M

millefeui

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Mar 31, 2018
1,036
tl;dr: Bunch of nonsense, skip it and dedicate your time to something more productive.

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In Inception, one of my favorite movies, the extremely attrac- err, I mean wise Saito says: “So, do you want to take a leap of faith... Or become an old man, filled with regret, waiting to die alone?"

When I first watched the film, I didn't put much thought into that quote. It was a cool quote, sure, but that is nothing new as far as Christopher Nolan films are concerned. I also definitely agree that taking leaps of faith, at least sometimes, is the way to live, but... With time, that quote seemed to resonate more and more with me.

You see, I always liked that I didn't have any regrets in life. Sure, life isn't and was never kind to me, but I never had a lot of choices to begin with, so what was there to regret, right?

Well, I was wrong. I do have regrets.

No more than three, but it is not about how many regrets you have, right? It is about the intensity and... Let me tell you, my regrets become heavier and heavier the older I get. It is becoming unbearable. I am having dreams (or nightmares) concerning one of my regrets. Is this how insanity feels like, I wonder? The beginning of it, at least? Well, I will never know the answer to that.

My three regrets... One of them is not that big of a deal, but it is something that bothers me to no end. When I was a kid, my mother put me into piano classes. It was fun, and weird. Such a massive instrument, and I was so tiny, my hands so tiny, too, of course (little did I know back then that my hands would always be child-like in size, but that is beside the point). But that in itself wasn't a problem, the problem was that the piano classes were affecting my school classes and that didn't sit well with my mother, so she took me away from the piano classes, but she asked me if I was okay with that.

You see, back then I kind of worshiped my mother, so I went with it, but that eventually became my number one regret. That was roughly twenty years ago. I am smart, very smart. I would be such a good pianist nowadays. Either that or I would hate piano more than anything, but I prefer the former scenario.

My second regret is significantly more serious. When I was in high school, trying to fit in with the cool kids, I did something I never thought I would do. I was prejudicial, openly so, to someone else. Now, other kids did the same, but that doesn't excuse my actions. I was a jerk, an awful human being at that moment. I saw how my words and actions hurt that person, and I never had a chance to ask for forgiveness. Of course, this is a lie. I had plenty of chances, but I was too much of a coward to say anything... I know how much prejudice can hurt, and I wish I hadn't done anything ever to hurt someone else. I learned my lesson, but at what cost? I know I have paid the price for my actions. I am not new to discrimination myself. Still, again, that doesn't justify what I did.

The last regret is the one that torments me the most, and of course it has to do with "love". You see, I fell in love once. It wasn't infatuation, or sexual attraction. I know the difference very well, because there is one person who I felt so much sexual attraction towards and I still remember very well how that feels. Heck, if I see her today, I know we will feel just as much sexual tension as ever. That aside, what I felt for this other girl wasn't sexual attraction (although it was there, too, it just wasn't the priority). It was love, care, affection. It was different.

I was always a relatively shy person. Well, not shy shy, but that kind of person who prefers to not draw attention towards herself. I never enjoyed being the center of everyone's attentions. Though, when I met her, it was exactly in her birthday (the 15th one), in October 14th of... I am not sure the year right now. I am a bit older than her, I was 17 years old at the time. Anyways, when I met her, my actions changed significantly. I went from that person standing at the corners, to a person who knocked at the door of her house to talk to her father (after he found us together... twice >_>) so he would hopefully let us date in peace. There is more to this story, but I don't want to bore even more anyone who might be reading this still.

It was something so out of character for me, that to this day my mother still tells me that I love this girl, because I never did anything like that for anyone. And you know, she is right, I love her. I never liked anyone since that day, ten years ago (I am 27 years old now) and I still think and dream of her every now and then.

So why is she a regret? Because I gave up on her. I loved her and it was clear she loved me, too, but... I wasn't being a good thing in her life. You see, I am kind of a bad lover. I like and need attention, to be the center of a person's attention and... Not everyone is like that. She wasn't, at least back in the day. She had her friends, and she shared her attention between us. Which was fine, but not in my mind. So I let her go.

I was a coward. I should have fought harder. I should have swallowed my pride and my needs and stayed by her side. Fuck, I hate myself for being a coward. I know things wouldn't have been easy and perhaps we would break up eventually anyways. I still had and have my gender issues, and I am not sure how she would handle that baggage. Still, all I can do is theorize.

But it is too late now. Oh, it is. She is finishing college and living in a different city, as far as I know and I am not going to knock on her door, like a ghost coming back from a previous life. What right do I have, to disturb her when she is seemingly at peace?

I will die with this pain, with this sadness, with this regret. I can only hope she has a good life, and that she finds someone who loves her as much or more than I do. Maybe, if there is reincarnation, like many users here like to believe, we will meet again in another life. That would be sweet. Maybe we will have a chance to have a life together someday.

--

So, I am becoming an old woman, filled with regret... Waiting to die alone.

Thanks for reading and sorry, I had another dream with her last night, and it was crushing me. My heart is so heavy right now. I needed to vent in a place where people don't know my real name or my usual internet alias. I thought this was a good place for that. Thank you.
 
Malice1

Malice1

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Apr 6, 2018
287
Wow that fucking quote i can relate to so much. Its actually what im contemplating RIGHT NOW. Should i take this leap of faith not knowing whats on the other side (if anything)? If i don't i most definitely will die old and alone with lots of regret. I gotta watch inception again before i ctb. One of my favorite movies too by the way. Now to read the rest of your post :P
 
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M

millefeui

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Mar 31, 2018
1,036
Wow that fucking quote i can relate to so much. Its actually what im contemplating RIGHT NOW. Should i take this leap of faith not knowing whats on the other side (if anything)? If i don't i most definitely will die old and alone with lots of regret. I gotta watch inception again before i ctb. One of my favorite movies too by the way. Now to read the rest of your post :P
What is there lose? You are suicidal, after all. If everything goes wrong, you can end it.

Take the leap of faith.

It is easy for me to say this, but right now the idea of taking a leap of faith fills me with fear and anxiety.
 
Tiburcio

Tiburcio

Voluntary deletion.
May 9, 2018
1,573
I felt identified with the second one. I know how it feels, I was so. The third thing... I can't say the same, I never felt hardly in love so I can't feel your pain. I'm sorry for you.

Also, once I took piano lessons but I hated it.
 
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Malice1

Malice1

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Apr 6, 2018
287
What is there lose? You are suicidal, after all. If everything goes wrong, you can end it.

Take the leap of faith.

It is easy for me to say this, but right now the idea of taking a leap of faith fills me with fear and anxiety.
Well thats the leap of faith, killing myself. Its probably the biggest leap i could take. Leaving behind everything you know for? Who knows.
 
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Tiburcio

Tiburcio

Voluntary deletion.
May 9, 2018
1,573
I just remembered the girl I liked in high school (nothing serious, just a crappy teenager romance, but anyway). I felt her so far away from me that I felt really frustrated and bad. If this happened with a shit high school romance, how you should be suffering with this? I can't imagine it, must be awful...
 
M

millefeui

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Mar 31, 2018
1,036
I just remembered the girl I liked in high school (nothing serious, just a crappy teenager romance, but anyway). I felt her so far away from me that I felt really frustrated and bad. If this happened with a shit high school romance, how you should be suffering with this? I can't imagine it, must be awful...
Thankfully, I don't miss her and feel bad every single day. If I did I would probably have killed myself by now, because it is really suffocating. Most of the time I am "fine" (read: numb), but then she pops out in my head out of nowhere, or in a dream, and yep, a few days of misery ahead, until I "forget" her again.

Part of me wishes to look up for her again, but I am scared. Ten years have passed, people change. I have changed SO much, why wouldn't she? Even though this feeling is suffocating, I am scared of ruining the most precious memories I have of this life. The days I had with her were the happiest I had. Too bad I was a dumb kid and gave up on the person I loved.

My mother believes she thinks of me as much as I think of her, but then again my mother is the kind of person who believes in fate and whatevers.
 
Temporarilyabsurd

Temporarilyabsurd

NOISE:signal
Apr 27, 2018
440
I'm a firm believer in narrative ranting as a possible way to see ourselves ....

I haven't done it on this site , but in the past I have written a lot for myself .

I too have focused very heavily on some people .

I kind of follow the idea that ' being in love ' is just the kind of madness that keeps the human
race going .... :)

Evolving my narrative of existence is one of the most helpful things in my life .
I too under rate it .... there are so many stories .
But there is only one view that is ours .
 

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