C

CalmInfused

New Member
Jul 26, 2018
2
I just found this site and read through tons of posts. Honestly at first I was skeptical, I didn't believe there could be so many others who felt basically the same as I do.

So, I'll try to somewhat quickly go through my attempts and why they've happened and didn't work.

I tried two times as a child. I didn't fully understand why honestly, it took becoming an adult and learning more about my childhood before it made sense. My stepfather was physically and sexually abusive. I was so young that a large portion of it I was simply too young to remember. The rest I suppose I forced myself to forget. It ended around age 6 or 7 I guess. My aunt slipped up and told me there had been a big thing about it because apparently I showed up on the bus bleeding on to the seat. CPS was involved, criminal charges were filed, I even had to have some sorry of surgery to repair some of the damage. My mother is still and will always be in a state of denial.

My first attempt was around that same age 6 or 7 or maybe even 8. I can very clearly remember it, I can even remember thinking, "Maybe this will finally fix me." As I jumped off the neighbors 3-barn. No hesitation. The fall was beautiful. I hurt my legs pretty badly, they had multiple breaks, but that was pretty much it.

Then several years later I tried hanging myself. My oldest sister just so happened to drop something off and realized I should have been home. Beyond physically saving me no one really did or said much. My medical files were stamped with Major Depression and pills were handed out that I never took.

By 15 I had dropped out of school and had become emancipated. I had an apartment and a part time job. Wasn't long before I was dating a much older man and became pregnant. I was 17 when my son was born. His father had began using and I told him to either get help or stay away. He decided to try and overdose on ice and ended up on a church roof naked with a metal pipe that he used to beat the crap out of the cops trying to save him.

My third attempt was when my son was about 1. After a long day at work and a long night of doing nothing right for him according to his cries, I sent him to 'spend the night' with his godparents and then was planning to carve up my arms and neck. I panicked at the last moment somehow ended up falling on the huge knife I was holding and nearly disemboweled myself. Made for outrageous scars on my stomach/arms and a terrified landlord who popped in to check something that I'd told him was broken months before.

I told the hospital it had been an attempt, but then I'd fallen. I guess they thought that meant I was cured. No new meds, therapy, etc. Just sent me home with pain pills for the week and called it good.

I later got back together with my ex, had another child. He quit breathing on my 19th bday. He was revived and on life support for a short time before passing at 10 days old. The only answers they had was SIDS. I attempted ODs on mixed pain pills multiple times in the following years. Usually I would pass out before enough was in my system or start throwing it all up. Pain meds never have sat well with me.

My ex and I split during my second sons last few days and my ex went off the deep end again. This time instead of attacking himself, I was the target. One of the many times he broke in my home, he raped me. I became pregnant unbeknownst to me. Sounds stupid or crazy but whatever. I didn't know until my water broke almost three months early. If I had known I would have gotten an abortion cause I'm screwed up enough and I couldn't handle the thought of another child dying.

Now here I am. 30 years old, my oldest is now 13 and youngest is 9. Their father is not in any of our lives thank goodness. I've OD'd a few more times but obviously with no success. I have a will, living will, and requests for my children's care and safety set up. Put in place long ago.

I have fought through cervical cancer and won. It has since returned as vaginal cancer. I have a neurological sleep disorder called hypersomnia which has basically no treatment and no cure. And I have constant back and stomach pain from both previous attempts and previous injuries from my ex and my stepfather.

My body is covered in scars.

I want to finally feel calm and at peace with myself. I just can't freaking die though.
 
F

Final Escape

I’ve been here too long
Jul 8, 2018
4,354
I just found this site and read through tons of posts. Honestly at first I was skeptical, I didn't believe there could be so many others who felt basically the same as I do.

So, I'll try to somewhat quickly go through my attempts and why they've happened and didn't work.

I tried two times as a child. I didn't fully understand why honestly, it took becoming an adult and learning more about my childhood before it made sense. My stepfather was physically and sexually abusive. I was so young that a large portion of it I was simply too young to remember. The rest I suppose I forced myself to forget. It ended around age 6 or 7 I guess. My aunt slipped up and told me there had been a big thing about it because apparently I showed up on the bus bleeding on to the seat. CPS was involved, criminal charges were filed, I even had to have some sorry of surgery to repair some of the damage. My mother is still and will always be in a state of denial.

My first attempt was around that same age 6 or 7 or maybe even 8. I can very clearly remember it, I can even remember thinking, "Maybe this will finally fix me." As I jumped off the neighbors 3-barn. No hesitation. The fall was beautiful. I hurt my legs pretty badly, they had multiple breaks, but that was pretty much it.

Then several years later I tried hanging myself. My oldest sister just so happened to drop something off and realized I should have been home. Beyond physically saving me no one really did or said much. My medical files were stamped with Major Depression and pills were handed out that I never took.

By 15 I had dropped out of school and had become emancipated. I had an apartment and a part time job. Wasn't long before I was dating a much older man and became pregnant. I was 17 when my son was born. His father had began using and I told him to either get help or stay away. He decided to try and overdose on ice and ended up on a church roof naked with a metal pipe that he used to beat the crap out of the cops trying to save him.

My third attempt was when my son was about 1. After a long day at work and a long night of doing nothing right for him according to his cries, I sent him to 'spend the night' with his godparents and then was planning to carve up my arms and neck. I panicked at the last moment somehow ended up falling on the huge knife I was holding and nearly disemboweled myself. Made for outrageous scars on my stomach/arms and a terrified landlord who popped in to check something that I'd told him was broken months before.

I told the hospital it had been an attempt, but then I'd fallen. I guess they thought that meant I was cured. No new meds, therapy, etc. Just sent me home with pain pills for the week and called it good.

I later got back together with my ex, had another child. He quit breathing on my 19th bday. He was revived and on life support for a short time before passing at 10 days old. The only answers they had was SIDS. I attempted ODs on mixed pain pills multiple times in the following years. Usually I would pass out before enough was in my system or start throwing it all up. Pain meds never have sat well with me.

My ex and I split during my second sons last few days and my ex went off the deep end again. This time instead of attacking himself, I was the target. One of the many times he broke in my home, he raped me. I became pregnant unbeknownst to me. Sounds stupid or crazy but whatever. I didn't know until my water broke almost three months early. If I had known I would have gotten an abortion cause I'm screwed up enough and I couldn't handle the thought of another child dying.

Now here I am. 30 years old, my oldest is now 13 and youngest is 9. Their father is not in any of our lives thank goodness. I've OD'd a few more times but obviously with no success. I have a will, living will, and requests for my children's care and safety set up. Put in place long ago.

I have fought through cervical cancer and won. It has since returned as vaginal cancer. I have a neurological sleep disorder called hypersomnia which has basically no treatment and no cure. And I have constant back and stomach pain from both previous attempts and previous injuries from my ex and my stepfather.

My body is covered in scars.

I want to finally feel calm and at peace with myself. I just can't freaking die though.
Wow! That’s quite a story, very tragic and traumatic. You should be able to find the resources here to decide on a method and help with directions. Sorry u have had to go through so much suffering. Your childhood must have been absolutely horrendous if u were trying to kill yourself so young.
 
Last edited:
Lara Francis

Lara Francis

Enlightened
Jun 30, 2018
1,630
Welcome to the forum.I hope you find the answers you are looking for.no one should ever have to go through what you have experienced.Thankyou for sharing your story,I hope it helps to talk and I am so sorry for your pain.Internet hugs.
 
C

CalmInfused

New Member
Jul 26, 2018
2
Wow! That’s quite a story, very tragic and traumatic. You should be able to find the resources here to decide on a method and help with directions. Sorry u have had to go through so much suffering. Your childhood must have been absolutely horrendous if u were trying to kill yourself so young.

Thank you Final Escape. The bits and pieces I remember are very fragmented but bad enough that I really don't care to remember more. I had a friend once try to talk me into hypnosis to 'retrieve lost memories' but it is so easy to even accidentally plant false memories that I can't bring myself to do it. Oddly enough the feelings I had during the attempts are what I would consider my favorite memories. I can't why very well though.

Welcome to the forum.I hope you find the answers you are looking for.no one should ever have to go through what you have experienced.Thankyou for sharing your story,I hope it helps to talk and I am so sorry for your pain.Internet hugs.

Thank you Lara Francis. It does help a little. I still feel nervous, like someone in my day-to-day life is going to see this and have me admitted or something. Weird as this will sound, I don't know what I would do if that happened and they took my kids away. Such an odd position to be in. *Hugs* <3
 
1

15163703b

New Member
Jul 10, 2018
4
I'm so sorry you've had such a tough life, I hope you find this site helpful.
 
Lara Francis

Lara Francis

Enlightened
Jun 30, 2018
1,630
Thank you Final Escape. The bits and pieces I remember are very fragmented but bad enough that I really don't care to remember more. I had a friend once try to talk me into hypnosis to 'retrieve lost memories' but it is so easy to even accidentally plant false memories that I can't bring myself to do it. Oddly enough the feelings I had during the attempts are what I would consider my favorite memories. I can't why very well though.



Thank you Lara Francis. It does help a little. I still feel nervous, like someone in my day-to-day life is going to see this and have me admitted or something. Weird as this will sound, I don't know what I would do if that happened and they took my kids away. Such an odd position to be in. *Hugs* <3
Don't worry you are safe here.just don't give out personal details such as tel no,address,or real names but most other things are OK. I have a child and am worried too about having to go into hospital -it is not nice,been there before.its very sad to always think that you would do anything for your children except stay alive because it's just too hard and a battle that cannot be won personally speaking.I've found that telling a few people ie friends that I visit forums (No names given ) just causes them unnecessary concern as they don't understand.
 
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