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watchtthethrone

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Jun 25, 2018
54
For those who thought they would always be too scared to attempt, was there some kind of event or circumstances that finally pushed you over the edge? The problem for me is that my mental faculties are diminishing more and more to the point where I'm 'awake' all day, but can't concentrate on anything meaningful -- I just flick back between discord, reddit, instagram etc. It's so fucking mind-numbing, it's this tedium of knowing exactly how each and every day is going to go that's finally pushing me over the edge, since I can't even 'lose' myself in a dumb experience like a TV show anymore.

The main thing preventing me right now is a) inability to put together a coherent plan, and b) trying to finish up some personal projects, and c) the sense of injustice .. it seems unfair I held on and suffered so grossly for years on end, then I just die; there's no peace or relief or reward for all that pain.

The hardest part is being crippled by my fear of death -- because my life is otherwise controlled by abuse and fear inflicted by illness and those around me. So I feel like if I can reach a point where I can embrace the idea, it would be very empowering.
 
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Sternum

Student
May 12, 2018
121
I'm still scared, I think there is no other way around it, somehow we have to overcome that fear, how to do it is still a mistery to me
I agree. I think about it like the scene in ‘the beach’ where the guy has to jump off the edge of the waterfall before he can see paradise. I don’t think there is a paradise (or anything else) waiting for us, but to obtain freedom, we have to overcome that fear to enter the undiscovered country from which no traveler returns.
 
Laggy

Laggy

Member
Jul 20, 2018
31
Similar to you, OP. My mental state has deteriorated to the point that I can't enjoy the things I used to enjoy, and I don't have the energy to stay out of bed. I am still terrified of suicide because I'm worried about the people I love. I don't know if I'll be able to go through with it or not.
 
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watchtthethrone

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Jun 25, 2018
54
If you weren't afraid, I'd tell you you aren't a human being. It is natural to fear death. It is biologically hardwired into you.

Nothing wrong with being afraid. I myself fear death.

I'm sure everyone fears it. I just feel like my own psychological makeup (PTSD, OCD etc.) instills with me unnaturally high levels of anxiety and phobic avoidance of *everything*. So, of course, suicide becomes a much more difficult obstacle. I guess I'm just wondering how people who are like me reach that point where they finally do it.
 
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shadow11

Wizard
Jul 31, 2018
620
M
For those who thought they would always be too scared to attempt, was there some kind of event or circumstances that finally pushed you over the edge? The problem for me is that my mental faculties are diminishing more and more to the point where I'm 'awake' all day, but can't concentrate on anything meaningful -- I just flick back between discord, reddit, instagram etc. It's so fucking mind-numbing, it's this tedium of knowing exactly how each and every day is going to go that's finally pushing me over the edge, since I can't even 'lose' myself in a dumb experience like a TV show anymore.

The main thing preventing me right now is a) inability to put together a coherent plan, and b) trying to finish up some personal projects, and c) the sense of injustice .. it seems unfair I held on and suffered so grossly for years on end, then I just die; there's no peace or relief or reward for all that pain.

The hardest part is being crippled by my fear of death -- because my life is otherwise controlled by abuse and fear inflicted by illness and those around me. So I feel like if I can reach a point where I can embrace the idea, it would be very empowering.
My life sounds like yours
 
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shadow11

Wizard
Jul 31, 2018
620
I'm scared but I know the time is getting close. I do not belong in this world. I cannot function as a normal person anymore. I had a good short life I'm 57 and I think that is better than a long miserable one.
 
Jon86

Jon86

Specialist
Apr 9, 2018
371
I'm scared but I know the time is getting close. I do not belong in this world. I cannot function as a normal person anymore. I had a good short life I'm 57 and I think that is better than a long miserable one.

I wouldn't really consider 57 a short life. If I had a good life for over 50 years, i'd consider myself lucky. The end of life is also rarely pleasant, as i'm sure you know.
 
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286165

Member
Aug 6, 2018
46
I was scared, until the ex I’m still in love with got married, to the girl he cheated on me with many times. Now I’m too hopeless to be scared. If there was even a chance we could be together, I thought I might hold out. But that’s gone now. The only future I could imagine where everything would be ok, was one where I had him with me. He was all I wanted, and I can’t have him, and I don’t have or want anything that will make that feel ok. I’ve never have a solid plan for a future, and now the flimsy one I’d hoped for beyond hope, is gone.
 
Justanotherconsumer

Justanotherconsumer

Paragon
Jul 9, 2018
974
Death to me is alot more scary when you're not expecting it. Having about dropping dead on a cold sidewalk alone at night, vs the planned suicide with comforts around,
 
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Justanotherconsumer

Justanotherconsumer

Paragon
Jul 9, 2018
974
I was scared, until the ex I’m still in love with got married, to the girl he cheated on me with many times. Now I’m too hopeless to be scared. If there was even a chance we could be together, I thought I might hold out. But that’s gone now. The only future I could imagine where everything would be ok, was one where I had him with me. He was all I wanted, and I can’t have him, and I don’t have or want anything that will make that feel ok. I’ve never have a solid plan for a future, and now the flimsy one I’d hoped for beyond hope, is gone.

You would have been beyond miserable with a guy who didn't really care.
 
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286165

Member
Aug 6, 2018
46
You would have been beyond miserable with a guy who didn't really care.
My lizard brain knows that, but the rest of me isn’t running on that logic. I’m certain he was never the person I thought he was, it’s just very difficult to imagine myself connecting with anyone else on every level ever again. As far as romance and physical intimacy, I can honestly take it or leave it. He was the only person I’ve met who I was attracted to in every way, and if I can’t have him as a romantic partner, then I’m not really eager to seek out another one just on principle, the only benefit for me is consistent companionship, and I have a cat, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
 
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Ssname

Experienced
Jun 30, 2018
268
I was scared, until the ex I’m still in love with got married, to the girl he cheated on me with many times. Now I’m too hopeless to be scared. If there was even a chance we could be together, I thought I might hold out. But that’s gone now. The only future I could imagine where everything would be ok, was one where I had him with me. He was all I wanted, and I can’t have him, and I don’t have or want anything that will make that feel ok. I’ve never have a solid plan for a future, and now the flimsy one I’d hoped for beyond hope, is gone.

Can relate and I'm sorry. Love of my love crushed me of of nowhere and there is nothing else in life that interests me. At this point im only here because it is socially unacceptable to leave
 
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