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BGooG

Member
Aug 26, 2022
16
As long as my daughter is here, no I don’t think I’ll actually do it. I think about it constantly. But I don’t think I’ll do it. My wife wouldn’t give a fuck, but it’d hurt my daughter too much. And she has her own issues, so I don’t want to do anything that could harm her.
 
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BRAINWORMS

BRAINWORMS

dust to dust
Jul 20, 2020
85
Honestly unsure. It's an escape hatch for me, a structure to help me feel less trapped. Ironically, feeling less trapped helps me feel better enough to stick around longer. That said, I've consistently believed I would die by suicide since my early teens, even in happier times. Even though I'm uncertain, it does feel kind of inevitable.
 
C

chloramine

Experienced
Apr 18, 2022
231
I don’t know. If a bad enough day comes then there’s a real possibility I will. I could see myself doing this day after day just waiting though too. I think that’s one of the things I’m most afraid of. Having to continue to exist like this for who knows how many more years. I’ve been considering trying more seriously again lately.
 
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sagepeppermint

Member
Jul 11, 2022
32
Absolutely, 100%. I'm not in an absolute "go tomorrow" rush but I'm also constrained by living with my parents, so need to find the right timing when they're out.

Fortunately for me, all the symptoms of SN are things i have dealt with for many years and experienced at far greater intensities - nausea, vomiting, stomach pain and hypoxia symptoms (dizziness, air hunger, passing out). Even the SN itself, I've taken so much nasty-ass tinctures and supplements and powders, I doubt it will be that bad.

The one upside of 15+ years of chronic illness, you get real used to pain and discomfort - great preparation for the real thing!
 
M

Musketeer

Student
Jan 24, 2020
150
Life has been pushing me towards suicide anyways, I will die of suicide before i die of old age thats for sure.
 
AerialBoundaries

AerialBoundaries

Member
Sep 18, 2022
11
12 years ago is when the thought of ending my life first entered my head. It would come and go initially, but eventually declined to the point that I think about it daily. I have the means to do it, the money to take care of my affairs and nothing left to live for.

When you're stuck in your own bubble of misery, you don't realise how much the world and the people around you change. You get left behind and they move on without you.

I feel that ending my life is an inevitability for me. There is no coming back from long term mental illness. Even if I were to wake up tomorrow perfectly sound of mind, it's too late. I've missed the boat.
 
KQuotientW

KQuotientW

404: Reason to live not found
Jul 17, 2022
226
Well, I've waited for 10 years to find a solution to move away from this gourd awful, horrible tiny town, after police confiscated my last one without charge, all because I'd tried to report my ex who was a cop. I've been stuck in this awful town ever since I was booted from my home, which I completely owned, 10 years ago.

Now, live next door to my stalker (not an ex) who follows me everywhere. We both live on acreage, not in suburbia. His home is far from mine but he has spent almost every night outside filming me, will travel miles from home to wait for me outside the building where I've attended a conference, etc. Weirdo.

I've been tying up loose ends before I catch the bus. I'm middle aged and want to ensure my family don't get anything. Also, after trying to report my ex, the former cop, again, local police dragged me to a psych ward. I was released and the psych staff were pissed that I was forced to take up a bed that someone else probably needed. The psych staff apologised. All I did was sit in my room and watch documentaries on my phone. Quiet, not disruptive, had nice conversations with other patients.

However, the cops didn't notice the many bags of charcoal I have that are stacked, sitting up against a window. I live in the bush so they probably thought I use them for cooking or something. I use firewood for cooking and heating. They asked if I had any weapons or anything to self harm, I said, 'No'. They do nothing about the stalker because of who my ex is and stalker's stepfather is a bail justice who is mates with the police.

So, yeah, I'm almost ready to CTB. I've almost finished sealing off the bathroom windows, gaps, etc. I'll finally be free of police brutality. Freeee!
 
brood

brood

It's how I live, not how long I live.
Sep 4, 2019
40
As I get older I'm beginning to struggle a little with mobility issues and COPD but generally life is OK. However I've watched friends and loved ones suffering for year after year waiting for a release from an unsatisfactory, unpleasant and undignified existence. This is not for me, 70 years is enough, after that I will appraise the quality of my life and end it when I choose. Strange though some will think I am actually looking forward to killing myself, making plans for the day, reviewing my chosen method and other options. My only slight worry is leaving it too late to be able to carry it out.
 
C

Cerulea

Member
Sep 19, 2022
49
Yes, I do think I will. I hope I do, anyway. My life has been radically and irreversibly altered in ways that sort of soothe the idea of dying for me. I used to think there was something broken or wrong with me for wanting to die all the time. Even if it was just happening passively for periods of time. I've spent a lot of life waiting for my release. Now that certain events have transpired, I don't feel any shame or guilt or judgement around it. I feel liberated to make this choice now. Figuring out how to provide this opportunity to myself has given me an odd sense of purpose.
 
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Jupit3rs

Jupit3rs

"I'm finally going home... to the stars"
Feb 23, 2022
21
Yes, i know im capable of it and thats not an issue... The problem? My family, i feel guilty everytime i look at them and is killing me inside, i need to overcome this soon, living this way is just torture.
 
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freedompass

freedompass

Arcanist
Jan 27, 2021
413
As I get older I'm beginning to struggle a little with mobility issues and COPD but generally life is OK. However I've watched friends and loved ones suffering for year after year waiting for a release from an unsatisfactory, unpleasant and undignified existence. This is not for me, 70 years is enough, after that I will appraise the quality of my life and end it when I choose. Strange though some will think I am actually looking forward to killing myself, making plans for the day, reviewing my chosen method and other options. My only slight worry is leaving it too late to be able to carry it out.
I feel very similarly to you. Right down to my 2 main physical issues, mobility and COPD. Both tolerable at the moment but in all likelihood will get significantly worse unless I change my lifestyle. I need to lose a lot of weight but lack motivation. Part of me is stubbornly counter suggestive about the ‘shoulds’ of life, like drinking 2 litres of water a day and going for brisk walks.

Sorry I wandered off topic. That happens a lot. I would rather not ctb but just die ‘of natural causes’ around age 70. Odds are that won’t happen (my mum is 90). I read online that people with severe mental illness, in this case bipolar, have greatly reduced life expectancy for a variety of reasons. I wish that could be the case for me. Failing that I can only hope I will find the courage to spare myself from the physical and mental trials of old age.
 
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Sammie

Member
Sep 2, 2022
24
Same. Who knows, maybe recovery will one day kick in for us...but after so many years of trying and just getting tired.
I won't be doing anything for a few years probably, definitely not this year anyway.
Eventually, yes, I think so. I'll keep giving recovery a shot every day until then, but frankly with every suicidal episode I have, I get closer and closer to actually doing it. There's a point of no return somewhere.
Absolutely, 100%. I'm not in an absolute "go tomorrow" rush but I'm also constrained by living with my parents, so need to find the right timing when they're out.

Fortunately for me, all the symptoms of SN are things i have dealt with for many years and experienced at far greater intensities - nausea, vomiting, stomach pain and hypoxia symptoms (dizziness, air hunger, passing out). Even the SN itself, I've taken so much nasty-ass tinctures and supplements and powders, I doubt it will be that bad.

The one upside of 15+ years of chronic illness, you get real used to pain and discomfort - great preparation for the real thing!
As someone with digestive motility disorders and many surgeries, I too have suffered all these for years. It sucks and it's exhausting.
 
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W

Wantingtogo

New Member
Sep 12, 2022
3
I think about that all the time. This might seem trite but I tell myself millions of people die every day and have been since the beginning of time. Is it really that bad? I mean we don't live in the middle ages, there are peaceful ways to go. I also think I can welcome death with the same intensity I hate life, not a dark sadistic way, but in a healthy, calm, accepting way. We're all going to die some day.
 
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L

literallydonee

Member
Sep 13, 2022
80
Absolutely, 100%. I'm not in an absolute "go tomorrow" rush but I'm also constrained by living with my parents, so need to find the right timing when they're out.

Fortunately for me, all the symptoms of SN are things i have dealt with for many years and experienced at far greater intensities - nausea, vomiting, stomach pain and hypoxia symptoms (dizziness, air hunger, passing out). Even the SN itself, I've taken so much nasty-ass tinctures and supplements and powders, I doubt it will be that bad.

The one upside of 15+ years of chronic illness, you get real used to pain and discomfort - great preparation for the real thing
So true. I'm escaping chronic pain with SN, a lil more discomfort isn't gonna kill me. Oh wait, it is :)
 
Dead Ghost

Dead Ghost

Mestre del Temps
May 6, 2022
538
I don't think so, I feel like I'm going to die of wear and tear, not any CTB. If I'm still alive ten years from now, it will mean that I was wrong and that I'm stronger than I thought, but I see it as thin.

//

No crec, tinc la sensació que moriré per desgast i exhaust, no pas per cap CTB. Si d'aquí deu anys encara segueixo viu voldrà dir que m'he equivocat i que sóc més fort del que em pensava, però ho veig magre.
 
viniboi9

viniboi9

Member
Nov 16, 2021
26
Gonna do it after my mum dies. When she goes I will have to fend for myself and I dont have capacity to live independently, I’ll end up homeless.
 
On Replay

On Replay

Member
Sep 23, 2022
55
I feel like I could go either way. I really don't want to be stuck the way I am forever- that is not improving my life but not ctb either. I am just stuck in between. I don't know whether to give recovery another real go. I tried to get better before through medication and it just ruined my life instead and is the reason I am ctb. I'm also tired of the relationship I have with my family- I don't want to deal with the financial disputes and wills and things like that anymore. Unluckily for me, I've never really believed SN is painless and that's my method. Cutting your body off from oxygen does not sound painless to me. I might be wrong about that but I can't shake that belief. Sorry to be such a downer, but I'm feeling v helpless and desperately unhappy. |Not sure what to do. How about you?
When people ask about certain things I tell them I’m a walking question mark. No idea what I’m doing or what I want to do or how to go about doing it etc. Same goes for ctb

In my heart I know it’s what I want. It’s one of the main things I think about daily.

Yet I’ve also been in moments where I really did believe it was the End. I found that was the only time I wanted to live (Painful & discomfort out of this world)

For me I guess it all comes down to method matters. All I want is some type of comfort.
 
jamie_

jamie_

emotionally abused and paralysed by a narcissist
May 21, 2022
164
i doubt it. don't have the courage. also seems like it's only the good ones who we seem to lose so that's probably why i'm still here.
 
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W

Why Me?

Student
Apr 5, 2022
122
I'm getting closer and closer to CTB each day as life becomes more disgusting and unbearable. Hopefully I will be super compelled to do it, when it's time, next summer or sooner.
 
Darrenloses

Darrenloses

Student
Nov 27, 2018
103
I have thoughts in my mind to leave this weekend. I have SN and AE so... I'm at the end of my tether with life
 
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Mtnwildflowers

Student
Jan 14, 2022
158
Yes. Any pain from N or SN will be significantly less than the mental pain and suffering I’ve been dealing with. To me I’d rather feel physical pain than emotional/mental/psychological pain. That can actually help you get through moments of physical pain..I’ll think “this is nothing compared to my mental suffering”. Doesn’t work for everyone though I’m sure