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noaccount

Mage
Joined
Oct 26, 2019
Messages
525
IDK I find myself wondering how many times a week it is normal to have the thought I am dying in a relationship.

Then again I don't know if there's any circumstance, any way people could treat me, where I wouldn't feel like this, so it's no one's fault.

I have a job. I feel like I don't actually want any of the options that money can buy me and I'm feeling desperate to escape life.

I wanted to take stock of my needs and then live efficiently providing what I could for others around me, those the state and capital are trying to kill, to cover immediate harm reduction needs and advance our longer term struggles for rights and freedom.

I want to do this with others regardless of whether we're personally friends. However I feel that to feel non toxic enough in my body to enjoy anything though, travel or food or nature, I also need to be close enough to someone (s) to process shit and not just feel like a place where violence happens.
 
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timf

Arcanist
Joined
Mar 26, 2020
Messages
426
I am not sure I understand you correctly. However, you might want to be cautious not to lose your own identity in an idealistic cause. There is nothing wrong with idealism or even activism if you can retain your own identity. It is when a person becomes disassociated from life and others that they may find their world crumbling around them.

People who pour their heart into a movement may seem like comrades, but often the emptying of self for a cause leaves little that can be shared with others.

It sounds like you are somewhat free from the trap of materialism that can harm people. There is a line from the movie "Going in Style" where George Burns says in reflecting on his life, "I had enough of everything except money, and the guys who went after that paid too high a price".

You may wish to consider volunteer work like reading to the elderly or mentoring a kid. It is less grand in scope compared to a "cause", but it can be more rewarding in seeing what you can do to help one other person. If you have a more sensitive soul it can also be important to feed it with art or music.
 
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noaccount

Mage
Joined
Oct 26, 2019
Messages
525
This was a thread I started late at night while sleeping in my car while traveling for work. It is somewhat reassuring that for now, I can hold a job down, live fairly cheaply and efficiently, and put away some money.

I am talking to an elder who I'm prepared to help pay for culturally-competent home health care for if she needs it because she's experienced a lot of medical abuse in the past and is at higher risk of being put in a shitty long term care place if she can't get trustworthy home health aides. To navigate this I need to not talk about a lot of my personal business with her because that's lead to conflict in the past and I don't want to destroy the chance for us to work together on the harm reduction stuff she needs.

I am grateful that recently, I was able to tell someone who I count as a good friend, that I've felt like I had to hide any anxiety or conflicting feelings I had about volunteer or mutual aid things I was involved in, because I was afraid of people then telling me to "step back" when I was really looking for support in how to continue the work. I'd like to try sharing this with other people and give them the chance to understand and not assume in advance that they'll react badly.

I also want to go back and thank some people who gave me advice on alternate ways to get a certification that's helpful in my field of work, when the grant I was initially offered fell through.

I am trying to work things out in a relationship but keep feeling like I'm dying, but maybe I would feel like that regardless of how I was being treated. Not sure what to do.

Thank you people here for space where I can talk about suicidality and trying to overcome it without either being assumed to be "more sane".
In addition, all worthwhile causes (no fucking scare quotes needed!!) are MADE OF people and the relations.and acts of care between them. It is highly offbase to describe them as based in idealism, when they are based in taking account of real violence, and taking real action to address and alleviate it.
 
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noaccount

Mage
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Oct 26, 2019
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("Idealism" is often a term used to mis-describe people whose needs and struggles bring them into conflict with the status quo - or! even! - people who aren't even proposing alternatives but who are just acknowledging and mourning the damage the status quo does. In truth, any act of care or volunteering our time will lead us to ask - WHY is this problem happening? Why is this person hungry and needing a soup kitchen, or unhoused and needing shelter? If I stepped back from any bigger picture and just lookedat my own needs, I'd still need to ask WHY are suicidal people hurt and policed so much by our culture? The reason I'm on a pro-choice forum is because I long held that the PERMITTED LIVES were just not livable for me - so it was death or a radically different way of life. Maybe it could be called idealist if I expected to pursue these goals without suffering or loss, but certainly that's not my expectation.)

For many years even when I had the resources - if I could afford to get a nice meal, I still couldn't enjoy it and would feel sick after eating, or if I could get some time to go to the shore I couldn't go in the water because having to be more aware of my body was too toxic, because being targeted by harassment and profiling poisoned all that for me. I'm on a pro-choice on suicide forum because this has made life impossible at times and I'm posting in the recovery section because I need support as I try to keep living.
 
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