Anarchy

Anarchy

Invisible anarchist
Jul 9, 2018
384
I'm either going to do it this morning or next time I'm home alone.
Even just mere weeks ago, I'd think I was so ready, but I had some goals.
For the past few days, suicide has been my only goal.
I feel so calm. I feel there are many people whose lives have become too messed-up to be resolved and they become so engrossed in death and suicide that they make themselves really different. I feel like everyone can understand each other to an extent, and are similar to an extent, but once you accept death and make it your sole goal, then you become one of the few people who are so changed from their old selves and so different from most people that they are practically destined to kill themselves. And once they focus on death as their main goal for so long that their personality fades and they're less human and more just a death-focused being, then no-one can relate to them well at all except others in that small subgroup, their potential lives are lost. And I'm one of those people.
I feel like I've thought myself to the point-of-no-return, and that my thoughts have messed up my mind so much that it is permanently changed such that I will never have a good quality of life.
I loved someone and if soulmates exist, they were that for me, but they weren't even a friend. I had loads of opportunities in which I could have told them how I feel and supported them, but I didn't because I was too scared. They ignore me now. That will always be my biggest regret.
I've been too scared to live my life how I want. My potential life has always been an unreachable dream, but up until now I've been under the illusion that it was destined to be; now the only thing I'm destined for is suicide.
I'll die a scared, small, insignificant person, but better that than living and being ignored and entirely unwanted and going insane because of it.
Hopefully my last moments will be peaceful.
 
I

I will go soon

Member
Apr 9, 2018
62
Your potential life can always happen, barring some circumstances. But I envy your ability to go so soon, I failed when I tried. Anyways, good luck my friend. Godspeed.
 
Anarchy

Anarchy

Invisible anarchist
Jul 9, 2018
384
Ah, my potential life cannot be done now. The only person I care about is forever gone, I will always be near-mute because of fear, I will always be scared because I've been abondoned and ignored; I will always be abondoned and ignored because I'm near mute: it's a cycle I can't break free from. I can't enjoy or pursue anything also because of my depression, and as long as I'm ignored and mistreated, it won't go away.
I'm stuck in a cycle of torture and it's too messed-up and integrated into my life to be broken free from by anything other than death.
I really appreciate your reply, though. Thanks. Good luck for you as well - I hope you succeed soon.
 
I

I will go soon

Member
Apr 9, 2018
62
I always try and look for the positive and even myself but there's none worth living for for me lol. But I'm sorry it had to be this way.
 
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Anarchy

Anarchy

Invisible anarchist
Jul 9, 2018
384
I'm sorry it has to be this way too. But I turned into an angry person. Murderously angry. I wanted total anarchy; I wanted all governments worldwide to be abolished and for there to be no leaders whatsoever and for everyone to be free.
I thought most people were fake.
And I was so tortured.
So, I had really passed the point of no return. I was partly insane.