L

Littlewittlelight

Student
Sep 3, 2022
156
Thank you for being supportive and giving me space to vent and get accepted. When I joined I didn't know if I would end up like this I thought it would get over sooner or just won't but now I don't have everyone just left and those were there. My last attempts at making friends even if it meant online and pushing my rl high school friends away and being dysfunctional. I have come to terms and accepted my fate. I am taking SN I don't have all the ingredients and I also have my tourniquet ready if something goes wrong I am feeling so numb I hope it suppresses my SI. This is it and if I don't succeed then I am going to be looked down upon or be taken back as an attention seeker I know and I really feel that these people will just think I can do this much just for attention. I don't want to say much but everything I was holding onto doing art reading anything a page in week sometimes or laying down. I feel numb and hurt everyone just left they also suffer from severe depression she can't feel it either. I am going to have to do it either way and I thought one day maybe one day I could do something and accept myself, free myself from these self esteem issues and say it to her that I did love her but I couldn't. I can't wait until any of my career launches I am such a lazy ass. I am still thinking if I should tell her because it's unbearable to even last a day now. If I should let her know I did love her but I can't have and if I have her then she wouldn't be happy this is it. I really did try sometimes I think and it doesn't matter anymore because we all go unnoticed and it's hard to get people to see whqt you are capable of. Maybe if I had more money maybe if I could feel worthy, maybe if I was still trying to do what I was earlier I would survive but it's come to an end. I feel like a piece of me died yesterday and I maybe gone by tomorrow if I don't come back in 41 hours that's Sunday morning then I am gone and I request mods to ban me. I am running to forest in a couple hours and I have meto, propranolol, milk of ibuprofen and SN I will do stat dose. I want to cry but I can't I feel a piece of me died but I am use to feeling numb. It hurts but I can't feel where it is hurting. Sorry for rambling I am having a hard time writing. I just want to be at peace nothing else anymore.
Thank you for being there for me.
 
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Littlewittlelight

Student
Sep 3, 2022
156
HOPING THIS IS MY LAST LETTER TO HER( I will say I just had a breakdown and needed to just get it off my chest).

This is for you I am really aware of what I am doing. I am sorry I didn't know our friendship would grow this much but you know I told you I had low self-esteem. I am sorry for acting out yesterday. I don't know what can happen to any of us. I just wanted to message you today and let you know that when you said you love me and I said I love you back I did I am sorry that I pushed and pull you. I want to be honest I don't feel like a normal guy. I am so use to it but I really do love you and I really am grateful that I could share these moments with you. I always was waiting for right time to say it to you I felt you won't be happy if I am like this and I just to be whatever possible for you. Sorry I couldn't understand you better always you were more hurt than me. Sorry that you have to take those pills everyday and you feel don't have energy. I just wish I could hug you one more time or do something to give you my energy. I do love you and I look forward to meeting you Monday morning after college and If I can't life is always unpredictable. There have been times when you were so supportive I know we couldn't do much but just be there for eachother and you have been there for me more than I have been. I also told my family that I love them and I felt that noone was ever responsible for the situation I was in. Noone could do my part for me. You have been the source of joy and sometimes I talked rude I have felt happy and comfortable around you. If it meant giving everything up I would but I just want to see you happy. Sorry if I am saying so many things but I am having a breakdown and I just wanted to say whatever I have felt and I have felt this deeply. It's from the bottom of my heart thank you.
Hope we could talk more on monday and be kind to yourself just like you always told me to be kind to myself, don't be hard on yourself if others give you any kind of pain even if I am the source of pain because I haven't met a person like you before and I swear if anyone's gets you they would realise you have some kind of magic that can make someone strive to live. That's my word be kind to yourself and don't hold yourself responsible for anything you didn't do and had no control on
Are you sure this is what you want to do? Thinking of you x
Yes I am sure I am leaving in 2 hours. I can't process what is happening but I can't take it anymore. I have waited for so many things and have up on much. I thought it will change for better. I hope you find peace in some form
 
lonelygirl111

lonelygirl111

i don’t know what i’m doing anymore
Sep 20, 2022
39
im so so sorry for the pain in your life. none of it is deserved. i hope you find freedom, peace, and so much love where you go next. you are not alone.
 
brokensea

brokensea

Experienced
Aug 4, 2022
207
So the girl loves you and you love her but you feel not ok to be with her or did she leave you? Sometimes it’s good to give yourself a day or two to be sure if you’re reacting to something or feeling overly emotional. But only you can know and decide that.
 
H

Hope:-)

Elementalist
Jul 3, 2022
886
Thanks for your kind words- they're especially thoughtful at this trying time for you. Just don't do anything rash. Ahhh.. life is hard xx
 
GermanHanger

GermanHanger

Member
Sep 23, 2022
18
I'm sorry about what you go through. I wish you good luck for the journey ahead
I'm sorry about what you go through. I wish you good luck for the journey ahead
 
Zhendou

Zhendou

Alive
Sep 17, 2022
50
I hope you are at peace right now. Thank you for being a light to our community.
 
theboy

theboy

Elementalist
Jul 15, 2022
847
I am sorry you are going through such a hard time. I wish you peace, tranquility in whatever you decide to do.
 
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C

Cathy Ames

Hopeless
Mar 11, 2022
1,359
Thank you for being supportive and giving me space to vent and get accepted. When I joined I didn't know if I would end up like this I thought it would get over sooner or just won't but now I don't have everyone just left and those were there. My last attempts at making friends even if it meant online and pushing my rl high school friends away and being dysfunctional. I have come to terms and accepted my fate. I am taking SN I don't have all the ingredients and I also have my tourniquet ready if something goes wrong I am feeling so numb I hope it suppresses my SI. This is it and if I don't succeed then I am going to be looked down upon or be taken back as an attention seeker I know and I really feel that these people will just think I can do this much just for attention. I don't want to say much but everything I was holding onto doing art reading anything a page in week sometimes or laying down. I feel numb and hurt everyone just left they also suffer from severe depression she can't feel it either. I am going to have to do it either way and I thought one day maybe one day I could do something and accept myself, free myself from these self esteem issues and say it to her that I did love her but I couldn't. I can't wait until any of my career launches I am such a lazy ass. I am still thinking if I should tell her because it's unbearable to even last a day now. If I should let her know I did love her but I can't have and if I have her then she wouldn't be happy this is it. I really did try sometimes I think and it doesn't matter anymore because we all go unnoticed and it's hard to get people to see whqt you are capable of. Maybe if I had more money maybe if I could feel worthy, maybe if I was still trying to do what I was earlier I would survive but it's come to an end. I feel like a piece of me died yesterday and I maybe gone by tomorrow if I don't come back in 41 hours that's Sunday morning then I am gone and I request mods to ban me. I am running to forest in a couple hours and I have meto, propranolol, milk of ibuprofen and SN I will do stat dose. I want to cry but I can't I feel a piece of me died but I am use to feeling numb. It hurts but I can't feel where it is hurting. Sorry for rambling I am having a hard time writing. I just want to be at peace nothing else anymore.
Thank you for being there for me.
Regarding what you said about not succeeding, you can ALWAYS come back here and there will be people who will not look down on you or call you an attention seeker. That's true if you change your mind, too. I hope you can find peace, no matter what happens next.
 
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