Fowli

Fowli

Member
Sep 15, 2022
22
Hi everyone, before I tell you my story, I want to share this picture :

phgUkz6.jpeg

This means a lot to me. I'm a 22 y/o musician from France that began producing original compositions about 6 years ago. This artwork, done by a wonderful artist I met online, was supposed to be the cover art of my first album. Before this, I had already done an EP, and worked with other artists. I was getting quite confident and wanted to release something that I could be proud of, that I would've put my soul and skills on it. However, I never finished it, for a reason I forgot.

Instead, I went to work on projects of other artists, and 2 years ago, I met the best musician I ever came across. We started working on a very ambitious album. Things were looking great. Just like her, the music was beautiful, elegant, unique, and still easy to listen to. A friend of mine who is a talented grey hat hacker, is able to give me the phone number and e-mail of almost anyone I wished to contact. So, even though we were a bunch of nobodies, with the right words, we got to plan featurings with some amazing artists in France, which music industry is particularly difficult to get into. I was living my dream.

But a year ago, she started panicking about the shear size of the project, and started slowing down her work input, until she didn't write anymore. I gave her as much time as I could give, but it wasn't enough. She started saying that I inhibit her ability to write, and I believed her, because I trusted her. A year later, and I'm now a depressed fuck. She abused me for months in what has become a toxic relationship, the project is canceled, and I've lost the will to write music, which was the only thing that kept me going.

So yeah, it's not that big of a deal.

The thing is, after all these efforts, I still have to start everything over, and I prefer dying. I'm at peace with that, because I don't value my life very much. It's just weird being alive, I thought about ending everything for years just because I don't understand why I am conscious, and why I should go through all the struggle of life rather than just not existing anymore. Now that I'm suffering from depression, I truly want to end it. I do not seek therapy and don't talk to my friends about it because I don't want to be helped.

I tried to ctb for the first time this week by poisoning myself, but ended up vomitting everything. This was totally unplanned, so I did everything wrong. I found this forum while looking to plan a serious attempt. I hope I will find peace amongst you depressed pals. If not, I hope I will find a way to go peacefully. I'm not afraid of death, but I'm afraid of an afterlife in which I would remember a painful death. Just like a video game that was just good enough to keep me playing, this difficult part of it has me wanting to delete it.

In the meantime, I like to look at this picture, thinking about what my life could've been if I just worked on a solo project.

I was wondering, do you guys feel something similar, or am I just the only spoiled idiot that can't enjoy life ?

TL;DR : I don't have a bad life, I'm just living through a difficult phase and depression for a few months only. Because I never valued my life as precious, I want to end it all, as I don't want to play the game of life anymore.
 
Last edited:
T

timf

Elementalist
Mar 26, 2020
822
The artistic temperament when fueled can supply an intense amount of emotional energy. Projects that might otherwise seem daunting can be tackled with enthusiasm. If in collaboration with another, the other person is seen as a sort of muse or inspiration, they can be seen as the reason for the project. Their departure can seem like a balloon deflation.

I once heard a writer say about collaborations that as long as each person thinks they are doing 80% of the work and are OK with it, the project can work. Collaborations are difficult because people are often unreliable and do not often think along similar lines for long.

A solo project might be just the thing for right now to help you regain an appreciation for your own skills and perspectives. Giving yourself to another is always a risk. Healing after being hurt can also provide some emotional energy to fuel an artistic endeavor.
 
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