Pedrester

Pedrester

Member
Apr 27, 2018
22
Or was it always a shit storm? I can say I've had good years and everything just started crumbling when I was 9 and the feeling that things were alright for some time seems to sort of give me hope, not the kind of hope that drives me to do better and improve myself, but more of happy memories that I can hold on to from time to time, although they end up causing more pain after I end up craving and obsessing over them.

What about you? And how do you feel about it?
 
bag.of.cats

bag.of.cats

depressed cats
Apr 10, 2018
96
For me, it started crumbling from around the same age. I can say without exaggeration that those were the best times of my life. It was basically the only life I ever had. Then it gradually started sinking over the years, slowly but steadily, and there was no rock bottom. A never ending nightmare that keeps going, even now at 26.

The only reason I haven't killed myself already is because there's a part of me clinging to that past, thinking maybe I can turn around my life, to be like it used to be, but realistically speaking it's just wishful thinking. Things didn't get better, they've gotten worse and worse.

Sometimes I remember or dream about those times, and I cry so much, because the difference between now and then is absolutely depressing, and I'm saying that from an objective perspective. I also have pictures from then, and when I look at them, I want to instantly die.
 
FullFat

FullFat

^best order at Micky-D's ever
Apr 27, 2018
375
I think I was decently happy off and on before I hit puberty around age 10-11. I also had a few good months in late 2015. I got my hopes up, but of course, it didn't last. What a disappointing fluke! About the only thing that can make me happy is drugs, I think, but their effects are fleeting, and I don't have any good ones.

Best I can do is drown the misery in alcohol and sleep. I can't be happy, but at least sadness can't touch me in sleep (aside from the occasional nightmare). Alcohol sometimes even manages to give me a comfortable feeling of utter nonchalance. It's like I know I'm miserable but just don't give a fuck. If I do it right and keep myself buzzed (not drunk), the ghost of my sex drive even manages to return. Two for the price of one!
 
Fylobatica

Fylobatica

Inactive
Apr 1, 2018
365
Yes, but it was mostly because of childhood, I was ignorant about how reality works (and my personal sense of perpetual dissatisfaction too). Then I realized that simply being happy wouldn't have solved a thing in my specific case; I'd still felt incomplete. Plus, happiness comes at enormous expenses, and I'm sure that a lifetime of apathy, at least for me, is better than constant anxiety and the fear of losing my status quo asking why "I'm less happy than I was yesterday".
 
thatguyakira123

thatguyakira123

Student
Apr 10, 2018
188
For me everything went tp shit when I was 13. 6 - 12 were mostly good years, despite my abusive brother. Recently, I only get brief moments of happyness. I'm either too depressed or my anxiety is on the fritz. I miss my calm and reserved days.
 
L

Life sucks

Enlightened
Apr 18, 2018
1,864
Never been really happy in a "year". Since childhood my happiness was short-term only. The happiness I get is from video games, watching anime, technology and internet (except toxicity), food and sexuality. There are more things but all are of short intervals (even if it is continuous like learning a language for years it is considered short because whenever I stop the happiness ends)
Otherwise, whenever my little happiness and distraction ends, no, it sucks. I hated the world and I was ignorant and I learned about it and hated it more. These things I do was my real happiness that made me continue living. I delayed ctb many times because of these stuff. I wrote a list of games to play and things to do. Tbh sometimes I wish to continue doing these stuff and more but life is brutal.
 
sadak_the_wanderer

sadak_the_wanderer

An appropriate painting
Mar 19, 2018
243
I have wondered about this. It is an issue with which I had to grapple on the way to a final decision: surely there was something good about life, right? It wasn't all bad, was it?

I remember childhood as mostly loneliness, long stretches, punctuated with fear and crying. Never a happy child. I think I had only begun to come out of serious escapist fantasy around eighth grade. No "good birthdays" come to mind. I had one semi-decent year in high school but even then, it was a mixed bag at best. That would be the high water mark. I went through some college journals that are twenty-five years old now; I was miserable then, too. When I look through old letters to friends, what was on my mind then resurfaces and it is not good.

So far, the best times I have had are the times I was being someone else, thinking of somewhere else, trying to escape my life.

Therefore, I must ... escape my life.
 
Tiredman

Tiredman

Rest is best
Apr 30, 2018
229
I was content with life until 3 years ago when my health really started failing me but my life had been steadily sliding down hill ever since 2010 when I started smoking pot and drinking to cope with childhood trauma.
 
Mess

Mess

-
May 18, 2018
34
When i was a young child, before my parents and school totally ruined my life. But last year was a good year, my parents were still horrible but i had many friends, its a shame that i lost many of them.
 
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M

millefeui

-
Mar 31, 2018
1,036
I fell in love once and I do believe I was loved back. Those times (just a few months, really) weren't that bad. Eventually, it ended because... of a plethora of reasons. I haven't felt anything like that again and I doubt I will. That person somehow was just special. I hope she is living a good, pleasing life these days.
 
T

theinfinitesadness

Member
Jun 21, 2018
6
I had a great childhood up until the age of 9 when my dad lost his business and started abusing my 1 year old puppy. I remember feeling as if my childhood had ended the first time I heard him beating her in the garden before throwing her into the pool to drown. My dad was very ill due to financial ruin and died a few years later which I wasn't sad about, but then I was left at the mercy of my mother and grandmother who emotionally tortured me for years. I haven't had a happy day since but then I've always thought happiness was overrated.
 
Erik

Erik

Member
Jun 21, 2018
6
Or was it always a shit storm? I can say I've had good years and everything just started crumbling when I was 9 and the feeling that things were alright for some time seems to sort of give me hope, not the kind of hope that drives me to do better and improve myself, but more of happy memories that I can hold on to from time to time, although they end up causing more pain after I end up craving and obsessing over them.

What about you? And how do you feel about it?

I don't quite remember exactly what the happy times were, but i know that the negative feelings intensified around 8 years old. Nowadays the good lies in days, not so much years. It is a bit disappointing, but at the same time I can't really imagine what I would with myself if i was happy on a regular basis.
 
Imaginos

Imaginos

Full-time layabout
Apr 7, 2018
633
Enh, not really. I mean, the first few years after I became a hikikomori were kinda alright, I suppose. If for nothing else, then purely for the sense of freedom & release it offered me from not having to be part of the rest of the world any longer (at least in a direct physical sense, that is). I certainly wasn't happy. More just.....a middling sense of somewhat consistent contentment. Not to mention, that my hobbies still held some shred of appeal back then, so there's also that. Unfortunately, like everything else in this accursed life, it was all just a passing novelty. The same emptiness, dissatisfaction and general malaise that's followed me for essentially my whole life came slowly, but surely, slinking back into frame. Just as if it had never left in the first place. And that's mostly because, by & large, it didn't. If I had to describe this imposition, this wretched life I've led in it's entirety it would be this. A grueling, grind into the grave. No happiness. No joy. No especially fond memories. Just watching the fucking clock tick by, second by second, for nearly 27 god damn years. I can recall vividly my memories as a child about the enticing allure of death and how much I just wanted to get hit by a fucking car as I was crossing the various streets on my way to school. And yet here I sit, so many years later, still wishing for the same thing. It hurts just thinking about it, frankly.

 
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AntiLifeEric

AntiLifeEric

-
Jun 20, 2018
147
Enh, not really. I mean, the first few years after I became a hikikomori were kinda alright, I suppose. If for nothing else, then purely for the sense of freedom & release it offered me from not having to be part of the rest of the world any longer (at least in a direct physical sense, that is). I certainly wasn't happy. More just.....a middling sense of somewhat consistent contentment. Not to mention, that my hobbies still held some shred of appeal back then, so there's also that. Unfortunately, like everything else in this accursed life, it was all just a passing novelty. The same emptiness, dissatisfaction and general malaise that's followed me for essentially my whole life came slowly, but surely, slinking back into frame. Just as if it had never left in the first place. And that's mostly because, by & large, it didn't. If I had to describe this imposition, this wretched life I've led in it's entirety it would be this. A grueling, grind into the grave. No happiness. No joy. No especially fond memories. Just watching the fucking clock tick by, second by second, for nearly 27 god damn years. I can recall vividly my memories as a child about the enticing allure of death and how much I just wanted to get hit by a fucking car as I was crossing the various streets on my way to school. And yet here I sit, so many years later, still wishing for the same thing. It hurts just thinking about it, frankly.

You listen to black metal?
I used to "enjoy" Burzum and Shining, but I can't listen to that stuff, anymore. It just drags me further into darkness, rather than being a companion.
 
Definitelyworried

Definitelyworried

Member
Jun 19, 2018
555
I was very happy until I was 26, then things got bad for me, I had episodes where I was ok, not truly happy but ok, now at 32 I'm thinking ctb at least most of the day.
Last night I was just looking at the noose for 3 hours straight trying to figure out if I was going to go through with it.
Couldn't do it.
Something felt off yesterday.
Today I know I won't be able to ctb, I'm not even entertaining the taught, I don't want to waist another 3 hours just to walk away from it.
My face looks done though.
I'm so depressed.
 
G

guildford91rs

Member
Jun 22, 2018
47
Nope, for me wanting to quit is because of how detached I feel from my own life. I've had times where I've been distracted from the detachment but mainly through unhealthy ways such as going overboard with alcohol, sex and drugs so that's not a long term solution for me.
 
AntiLifeEric

AntiLifeEric

-
Jun 20, 2018
147
tfw a shy fat blonde girl works at the place that I'm applying to. It almost makes me want to live...but not really.
 
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Kogoruhn

Kogoruhn

Student
May 20, 2018
109
For me the goods years are from until i was 12 years old. I started to get bullied in school, and also from my father. Because of this i developed social phobia. About 4 years ago, when things started to get better, i developed a strange chronic condition which is making my life a lot harder than it was with the phobia. It's like if someone up there is enjoying watching me suffer.
 
longingforrelease

longingforrelease

Specialist
Oct 27, 2018
381
yes, actually. I had many good years. A reasonably happy childhood, good times in college, enjoyed graduate school, especially after I got sober. Landed a great job ,married my college sweetheart, had great success at work, traveled the globe, and had a beautiful daughter that has brought me enormous joy. But about five or six years ago addiction to amphetamines triggered my bipolar and went on an extended manic phase in which I engaged in terrible behavior - cheated on my wife, got into heavier illegal drugs, got arrested lost my job wife left me and was forced to sell the house. I now live 10,000 miles from my daughter and feel I have nothing left to live for. But yes, I was quite happy for a long time. But that seems irrecoverable. Which brings me here.
 
Trashcan

Trashcan

Trash
Aug 31, 2018
1,234
I did. It started going down hill at 12 or 13. Now I’m in my early 20s and still want to ctb.

But before then, I was happy. I was confident.
 
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Deleted member 2141

Deleted member 2141

The angel of choice is enduring.
Aug 30, 2018
5,309
There has been some moments in my life that I've actually feel happy, but those were rather short lived. Most of my happiness were during my childhood (however sparse and short lived they are, but still some moments) and also times during college. Here are some examples:

During childhood, I've actually succeeded in beating a video game that I could never beat when I was younger, but conquered it with one of my childhood friends at age 14.

In my Sophomore year of high school, I was accepted into a prestigious arts school (which required auditions to get in) and then transferred there at the beginning of my Junior year. During my senior of highschool, I managed to successfully give a piano performance as part of a recital in front of 200+ people and felt amazing afterwards. I was thoroughly pleased with achievements.

There are more examples, but these are the ones that come to mind.
 
Nem

Nem

Drs suck mega ass!
Sep 3, 2018
1,490
For sure. I was doing fine until my ex said we are quitting weed, two days after I moved in and still had my apt. I have no freaking idea why I didn't say screw this and move back to my apt where I was safe to do what I wanted and smoke what I wanted. I was an unsuspecting victim in this situation, I wish I had smartened up back then, I was a retard
 
BaconCheeseburger

BaconCheeseburger

Comfort-eating
Aug 4, 2018
689
2014-2015, I lived and studied abroad for nine months in a country away from my family, my (unreliable) friends and all of my issues and anxieties. I had never been so mentally well in my life. I made friends, I went out, I explored and actively wanted to try new things. I was living the dream and it was perfect.

I'm a shadow of who I was now. I'm afraid, I don't want to leave the house, and once again I'm surrounded (sort of) by people who say they're there for me but never willingly get in touch. I feel like shit.
 
52shriek

52shriek

Student
Nov 6, 2018
112
Yeah I had good years I guess.
A very sorrowful childhood though in a very dysfunctional family background. Weirdly enough it got much better when I was a teen, I had amazing friends and we were a cool bunch.

Also as a student, I was happy. I was always getting top grades and somehow convinced myself that being good in school/college meant I was sorted for life. Obviously, school didn't prepare me for life in the slightest.

Fast forward a few years and it's been a great rollercoaster, with good times and thoughts of ctb in more or less equal measure, until recently, when the good times cannot outweigh depression anymore.

Today I'm a recluse, I can't even feed myself once a day let alone 3, I work from home and I cannot even get out of bed anymore for that. So I'm crushed with guilt on top of everything else.
 

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