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Mar 28, 2018
I'm really gonna kill myself...via partial suspension hanging, probably

I hate this situation
I hate having no hope.
I have none.
I have no hope...

It's hell.
I'm not scared of going to hell....because I am already in continual torture without any hope.

What sucks the most is that others have to suffer too. I wish it was just me.

I wish I could take all of your pain. The pain and fear and hopelessness of everyone. I could take it if it was like that....

Let me be the sucker. Let this joke be played only on me....I wish it more than anything

But I can't. It doesn't work that way.

What can I do then..

Only thing I can do is love...I care about you guys. I care about everyone. That's what love is to me. Caring about something no matter what.
And I know they care about me too, even if is only a miniscule bit. That makes me so happy.

I can be at peace, even in hell, knowing that I am loved.

It gives me courage to know people have my back. I care for them too.

So I will do it. I will not lie anymore. I will ctb. I am really happy.

I won't set a date, but I wanted to get this out there, just in case

Thank you for caring for me, even if it is so little that you can't feel it. It makes me happy.