• Welcome! SanctionedSuicide is a forum for the discussion of mental illness and suicide. Please read our rules and our Principles.
    If you are in need of immediate support, please call the Samaritans hotline at (877) 870-4673, or check our recovery resources.

Status
Not open for further replies.
Lra888

Lra888

Enlightened
Sep 30, 2018
1,142
Over the course of my life I’ve often been forced to hide my mental illness to the point where i’ve avoided interaction with people or been forced to lie. For example when I’ve experienced severe depression and had to take time off from work - it’s not possible to be truthful with supervisors or coworkers - I have to make up some other reason or be vague : “I was sick”.

Mental illness is completely unacceptable in many situations. You simply cannot say “I suffer from mental illness” “I have severe depression and had to see my doctor” “I’m bipolar” “I have social anxiety and needed to get medication so I could come back to work” etc.

Sufferers are forced to hide in shame for fear of losing their jobs. This just adds to the loneliness, desperation and self hatred that mentally ill people experience, makes them feel unable to participate in society, makes them feel as though it’s not even worth it to try.

All of this on top of the fact that mental illness often makes simply getting through daily life seemingly impossible/ excruciating.
 
Lra888

Lra888

Enlightened
Sep 30, 2018
1,142
Lately I’ve been thinking about how I never had much of a chance and see why many people conclude there’s no point in trying. For mentally ill, physically ill, chronic pain, trauma survivors etc. it’s near impossible to keep things together long term and not crumble into poverty, desperation & loneliness. No chance for stability over time.

It’s absolutely exhausting forcing oneself to put forth the image of a happy healthy person on a daily basis which is a requirement for nearly all employment.
 
S

Schopenhauer

Enlightened
Oct 3, 2018
1,136
We’re told not to be ashamed, how common mental illness is, how we should talk to people — but the reality is much different. Lonliness is a requirement.

Indeed. If you do talk to people they'll never treat you the same way again. May even start looking down on you. I'm skilled in hiding my issues too.
 
Lra888

Lra888

Enlightened
Sep 30, 2018
1,142
Indeed. If you do talk to people they'll never treat you the same way again. May even start looking down on you. I'm skilled in hiding my issues too.
Yes they will always think “something is wrong with this person”. Even if you find someone that you believe will understand your circumstance there is danger in sharing because they may tell others which would be disastrous in many situations such as work or school - where people’s opinion of you is so important.
 
T

Throwaway563078

Experienced
Oct 6, 2018
273
This is unfortunately true. The stigma is too strong.

I personally regret being honest to some people, they changed the way they are with me and started pitying me. It sucked. Pretending is easier but sometimes it's not. Sometimes it really takes a toll on one's psyche especially if you pretend for a long period of time with people you deal with constantly.
 
Temporarilyabsurd

Temporarilyabsurd

NOISE:signal
Apr 27, 2018
439
My entire life was/is a pretense .

The only solace I have , is that now I regard all of humanity as functioning on a pretense.

all culture ... pretensions to meaning and value.
It makes me mad that all the lies are celebrated as virtues.
I'm sounding like a 14yo edgelord ....

Maybe that's because that's when it all began ? Around that age ?

The great "wtf ?".

I'm aiming for some kind of least-pretense process and the commitment to live it .
I'm addicted to pretense though ?

Groan.
 
Lra888

Lra888

Enlightened
Sep 30, 2018
1,142
This is unfortunately true. The stigma is too strong.

I personally regret being honest to some people, they changed the way they are with me and started pitying me. It sucked. Pretending is easier but sometimes it's not. Sometimes it really takes a toll on one's psyche especially if you pretend for a long period of time with people you deal with constantly.

There’ve been times people were upset with me for cancelling plans or not attending an event. I felt bad so I was honest with them about being too sick with depression to socialize. I hate myself for confiding in a person who’s mad at me in the hope they feel sorry for me instead.
 
Last edited:
Metavoid

Metavoid

Student
Oct 21, 2018
160
A previous landlord evicted me for having "mental health issues and you would make the other people living in the house uncomfortable. No one wants to live with a mentally ill person. You are not suited to sharing"

So ok, am I supposed to go sleep out on the street? Or kill myself according to you. Besides, I talked to my old roommates and they had no issue with me and I was being discriminated against. Why? Because he saw me crying silently a few times in the kitchen.
 
Lra888

Lra888

Enlightened
Sep 30, 2018
1,142
That's how I feel because your severe depression or anxiety can always come back. It just impacts how you see things and how you feel about yourself.
This is the reason suicide is inevitable for me. How many times in life I’ve thought I was “okay” because of some minor achievement like getting a job, having enough money to survive, renting an apt, being in a relationship—then some months or years later it’s all destroyed : I’m unable to go to work, can’t get out of bed, anxious insomnia, in poverty, completely alone, on awful medication, can’t take care of myself etc. etc. Everything ruined once again by my mental illness. This has happened several times. It’s fucking pointless to start all over again from zero.
 
faex42

faex42

Student
Oct 19, 2018
144
Some people in my area are so smug and unkind to people staying in their homes who are not 100% "healthy" "You are not suited to sharing" WTF?
I have found it's best to hide how seriously I may feel depressed, even with friends. Once after when I disclosed how badly I was doing, including thoughts of CBT, a couple I've known for quite a few years decided I couldn't stay at their house although they didn't admit the reason at the time.
They made up a lame, transparent excuse. I can understand their fears. We're still friends years later.
I do wish I had revealed far less than I had about the strength of the depression never mind ideation about CBT. I guess they were frightened that they would find me hanging from a ceiling beam. I had been counting on them for a place to stay. (There was one exception a person who was an apartment manager who let me move from one unoccupied apartment to another.) If I had to move into a room in someone's home again, I would be especially vigilant about my revealing anything negative
When I see people, no matter how depressed I am I force myself to hide it. People I know don't handle severe major depression well but maybe that could just be me.
 
Last edited:
faex42

faex42

Student
Oct 19, 2018
144
This is the reason suicide is inevitable for me. How many times in life I’ve thought I was “okay” because of some minor achievement like getting a job, having enough money to survive, renting an apt, being in a relationship—then some months or years later it’s all destroyed : I’m unable to go to work, can’t get out of bed, anxious insomnia, in poverty, completely alone, on awful medication, can’t take care of myself etc. etc. Everything ruined once again by my mental illness. This has happened several times. It’s fucking pointless to start all over again from zero.

You described much of my so-called life so perfectly. Thank you.
 
Tragoedia Vitae

Tragoedia Vitae

Experienced
Oct 14, 2018
224
I totally get this. Putting on a mask everywhere you go is such an entrenched social expectation at this point. It's the norm to the extent that very few people know what to do or say when the mask slips. Instead, they just farm you out to therapists, psychiatrists, psychologists, and the entire army of mental health "professionals." It's almost like we've forgotten how to care for each other. Or perhaps we never truly had the ability in the first place, and it's only relatively recently that we've begun paying the price.

Why have we devolved to such a point that other people's troubles make us uncomfortable so easily? Why have we declined to such an extent that we can no longer cope with each other's fears, anxieties, sorrows, and needs? Instead, the skill set needed to cope with emotions which are less than happy has been outsourced to paid "professionals," trained or otherwise. Every single one of us should learn how to support each other. What's the point of having family, or friends, or anyone at all if you can't rely or lean on them? Yes, the human creature is fundamentally unknowable, but that doesn't mean we have to go through life alone.

I don't know, it just vexes me to no end when people think that therapists and others of their ilk are the only people who could ever possibly help us cope with our emotions and burdens.

Are humans such fragile creatures that we have to constantly hide who we are with all our struggles lest they should shatter like crystal?
 
S

Schopenhauer

Enlightened
Oct 3, 2018
1,136
A previous landlord evicted me for having "mental health issues and you would make the other people living in the house uncomfortable. No one wants to live with a mentally ill person. You are not suited to sharing"

So ok, am I supposed to go sleep out on the street? Or kill myself according to you. Besides, I talked to my old roommates and they had no issue with me and I was being discriminated against. Why? Because he saw me crying silently a few times in the kitchen.

Just because you were crying by yourself? Fuck the fucking fuckers, I say!
 
Angst Filled Fuck Up

Angst Filled Fuck Up

Super duper enlightened
Sep 9, 2018
1,711
As humans we like to pretend we're shepherds of the Earth and the superior species, but we really are no more advanced than any type of animal. Case in point, if we struggle with something crippling like mental illness, we are forced to conceal it for fear of being victimized by others, in much the same way an animal would cover up a damaged limb so as not to become vulnerable prey.

All my life I've functioned at perhaps 20% as a result of mental illness. Aside from the general unpleasantness and hellish flare-ups of whatever I'm dealing with, it pains me that nobody I spoke to could ever really relate. Mental health care is hopelessly inadequate, and being that you have to come up with excuses for every little thing in life, you are forced to walk an incredibly lonely road.

I think the worst part is having to dream up reasons as to why you're not progressing in life, or why you can't do seemingly simple things to help yourself. This always perplexes others, yet I just feel like screaming that I simply can't function and am not made for this world in any form or way. It all looks so pitifully easy when you're on the outside looking in, but most people will never have a clue as to what an awful cross this is to bear and how severe mental illness impacts literally every aspect of your life.
 
worldexploder

worldexploder

-
Sep 19, 2018
2,823
I can relate. If I am forced to engage with someone other than close relatives, I try to hide my mental illnesses the best I can. I am apparently a horrible actor because people would tell others stuff like “is he ok? He looks upset”.

Ugh Christmas 2013 was a disaster! I was already having a horrible day with anxiety and depression but ITS CHRISTMAS SO FUCK MY FEARS, FUCK MY ANXIEY ATTACKS AND FUCK MY NEEDS! ITS ALL ABOUT APPARENCES THAT DAY!

My ex wife invited her mom and dad over...which I can understand. My aunt was there as well. My ex wife also invited the neighbor (who didn’t really know me). I tried my best to put on a good god damn apperence to make everyone happy. Yet when It was over, the neighbor was wondering why I was “acting so strange”. I dunno! I guess it’s maybe because I felt like I was dying inside? That’s a good theory.

Every holiday we had together ended up being a stressful fucking mess of some sorts. I just wanted to be left alone. I didn’t want to have no traditional dinners, no get together etc. Turkey days sucked too. I never felt like going to her parents to eat. I felt uncomfortable around people except for a select few. Plus I don’t like turkey.

Maybe people will finally GET IT when my mangled body is found floating down the New River. Maybe they will get it if this Dignitas thing works out and I can finally give my speech before taking the N.
 
onewayroad

onewayroad

“Dying is not a crime.” ― Jack Kevorkian
Oct 4, 2018
358
A previous landlord evicted me for having "mental health issues and you would make the other people living in the house uncomfortable. No one wants to live with a mentally ill person. You are not suited to sharing"

So ok, am I supposed to go sleep out on the street? Or kill myself according to you. Besides, I talked to my old roommates and they had no issue with me and I was being discriminated against. Why? Because he saw me crying silently a few times in the kitchen.

If that happened here in Australia you could sue that landlord into the ground. I'm pretty lucky to live here, I think there is less stigma around mental illness than other places. I lived in Japan for a few years and it's shocking there.

I'm also lucky that none of my friends seem to care. But I just have good friends. It's going to suck if I can never find effective treatment and have to ctb.
 
S

samsays89

Student
Oct 4, 2018
139
I'm sorry you had to go through that and I can definitely emphasize. People that work for the same company as me can be fired for no reason at all. In US it's called "at will employment". You don't even need a reason to fire people.

You aren't alone in having to go through the motions and take so much extra willpower just to complete normal tasks. I hope you can at least take comfort in knowing there are other people like you that wish you the best and hope you can just keep going with whatever you wish to do.
 
dunkelheit

dunkelheit

Null | Void
Oct 26, 2018
32
It's impossible for me. My co-workers are fully aware of how severe my depression has become. Suicide jokes are my coping mechanism.

There are a couple of other people I work with that are considered "more miserable" but thats only because I suppress a lot of my misery.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.