Euler-Maskerony

Euler-Maskerony

I will go with you
May 19, 2022
39
Hello guys. How to earn money if you are useless and every little thing requires enormous efforts? My current job is pretty straightforward but I need to do it 12 h a day. All along I think about ctb, but I can bear it. The key part is that it changes my mind. By nature I'm very soft man. I'm not cursing and there is no place for hate inside me. This is the crucial part of my life. This is the only thing that prevents me hating myself. I'm very kind and peaceful. But this job makes me tougher. I can't stand it. I want to cry. Also I'm exhausted. I have no energy even if I sleep 12 h and do nothing all day, but now I'm literally drained. I ve found good job that I can try, but I need to quit university. I don't give a shit about money, but all my childhood I was really into math and programming. It's tough to just quit my dreams because of depression. It killed all my desires. Now I only able to solve straightforward tasks and nothing more. I just need to exist. I want to achieve peace in this world, but how? Live is killing all my humanity. How are you guys coping? How do you earn money? Can you give me advice? Can you talk to me? I'm so scared.
 
rainwillneverstop

rainwillneverstop

Serious health hazard
Jul 12, 2022
93
Reading your story, I can understand why you are scared.
Depression don't give a shit about what we are or were into, what used to make us happy, what energy we used to have etc. Depression will create chaos with all of those things. It is not you who quit your dreams because of depression, I think it is depression putting an end to your dreams.
I am sorry your days are like this.

I don't know how I am coping, but I just pretend a whole lot and put on a mask of pretend when I go to work. I feel quite numb. I feel as I'm a robot.
It's not a job I find very interesting, but I just picked the one career I knew I had the skills for, even though this job is not what I actually want.

I wish I could help you wish an advice, but I am not sure on what to say. Other than I feel like a robot, so it makes me not think a whole lot about much, especially when I am at work. I detach, but that comes with it's consequences.
Hope is all I got, so that is the best advice I can give I think... If you can see a climse of hope, then try to hold on to it as a way to get through the days.
 
Euler-Maskerony

Euler-Maskerony

I will go with you
May 19, 2022
39
Reading your story, I can understand why you are scared.
Depression don't give a shit about what we are or were into, what used to make us happy, what energy we used to have etc. Depression will create chaos with all of those things. It is not you who quit your dreams because of depression, I think it is depression putting an end to your dreams.
I am sorry your days are like this.

I don't know how I am coping, but I just pretend a whole lot and put on a mask of pretend when I go to work. I feel quite numb. I feel as I'm a robot.
It's not a job I find very interesting, but I just picked the one career I knew I had the skills for, even though this job is not what I actually want.

I wish I could help you wish an advice, but I am not sure on what to say. Other than I feel like a robot, so it makes me not think a whole lot about much, especially when I am at work. I detach, but that comes with it's consequences.
Hope is all I got, so that is the best advice I can give I think... If you can see a climse of hope, then try to hold on to it as a way to get through the days.
What is your job?
 
Euler-Maskerony

Euler-Maskerony

I will go with you
May 19, 2022
39
IT Support technician mixed with a little bit of sysadmin/network administration.
That's cool. I wanted to be c++ programmer. I even wrote quite complex program, but now that all gone. Now I want to be machinist of locomotive, but with depression I can't do that. What was your dream?
 
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rainwillneverstop

rainwillneverstop

Serious health hazard
Jul 12, 2022
93
That's cool. I wanted to be c++ programmer. I even wrote quite complex program, but now that all gone. Now I want to be machinist of locomotive, but with depression I can't do that. What was your dream?

I love the quite sharp change from programmer to machinist of a train lol! That's awesome.
Sorry to hear your programmer knowledge is gone... I can see why it's hard to get back into, especially C++, it's quite an complex language to learn and master because it can do... everything and anything. It is impressive you wrote an advanced program in it. Depression can really impact our skills, attention and memory and sometimes makes us feel stupid. A feeling that often not helps with depression.. It's a bad cycle to be in. And it feels weird to forget things that should be so simple to you, at least that happens to me.

I wanted to be an EMT, or a cybercrime investigator/digital forensics.
Just seems so crazy out of reach, I can barely keep myself alive.
 
Euler-Maskerony

Euler-Maskerony

I will go with you
May 19, 2022
39
I love the quite sharp change from programmer to machinist of a train lol! That's awesome.
Sorry to hear your programmer knowledge is gone... I can see why it's hard to get back into, especially C++, it's quite an complex language to learn and master because it can do... everything and anything. It is impressive you wrote an advanced program in it. Depression can really impact our skills, attention and memory and sometimes makes us feel stupid. A feeling that often not helps with depression.. It's a bad cycle to be in. And it feels weird to forget things that should be so simple to you, at least that happens to me.

I wanted to be an EMT, or a cybercrime investigator/digital forensics.
Just seems so crazy out of reach, I can barely keep myself alive.
So as you lul. EMT requires medical education, but for cybercrime investigations you need to have knowledge about networks and stuff, I suppose. Is your job stressful? I want job without any haste. I just can't perform tasks fast. It's awful. Do you feel the same? Ive started cutting myself again because of this shit.
 
rainwillneverstop

rainwillneverstop

Serious health hazard
Jul 12, 2022
93
So as you lul. EMT requires medical education, but for cybercrime investigations you need to have knowledge about networks and stuff, I suppose. Is your job stressful? I want job without any haste. I just can't perform tasks fast. It's awful. Do you feel the same? Ive started cutting myself again because of this shit.

yep lol... Both requires going back to studying.
Being an IT-Technician can be stressful but it isn't always. But critical system can break suddenly, and the fault has to be found as soon as possible and then the fixing comes in, and people want it done asap. But sometimes it's quiet, so it really depends lol.

I am awfully slow at my general tasks, but I can perform more efficiency under stress lol. I have ADD, so especially repetitive tasks are so hard to focus on, and it feels draining.
What does cutting give you? I use to do it too, but it's a while since last time. I had the urge but I couldn't find my tool of choice lol.
 
Euler-Maskerony

Euler-Maskerony

I will go with you
May 19, 2022
39
yep lol... Both requires going back to studying.
Being an IT-Technician can be stressful but it isn't always. But critical system can break suddenly, and the fault has to be found as soon as possible and then the fixing comes in, and people want it done asap. But sometimes it's quiet, so it really depends lol.

I am awfully slow at my general tasks, but I can perform more efficiency under stress lol. I have ADD, so especially repetitive tasks are so hard to focus on, and it feels draining.
What does cutting give you? I use to do it too, but it's a while since last time. I had the urge but I couldn't find my tool of choice lol.
The only thing I like myself is my softness. I'm very sensitive and kind, but this job forces me to curse a lot and I become more irritable. So I try to calm myself down with cutting. Then I can do a meditation to achieve next level of calmness. Sorry that I talk only about myself. Your story is really interesting. What sparks life inside you now?
 
rainwillneverstop

rainwillneverstop

Serious health hazard
Jul 12, 2022
93
The only thing I like myself is my softness. I'm very sensitive and kind, but this job forces me to curse a lot and I become more irritable. So I try to calm myself down with cutting. Then I can do a meditation to achieve next level of calmness. Sorry that I talk only about myself. Your story is really interesting. What sparks life inside you now?

It must be difficult having to have a job, that makes you sway away from your identity as a person.. Can I ask what kind of job it is? Cutting can release tention greatly, I don't blame you for that.
It is okay, no need for apologizing. My story is more chaotic than interesting I would say :)
There's nothing that sparks life inside of me right now, that's why I'm now here.. It's all very gray. The only thing that sparks for me right now is my lighter, lighting up another cigarette, it's the only thing I look forward to anymore lol. But it's something I guess.
 
Euler-Maskerony

Euler-Maskerony

I will go with you
May 19, 2022
39
It must be difficult having to have a job, that makes you sway away from your identity as a person.. Can I ask what kind of job it is? Cutting can release tention greatly, I don't blame you for that.
It is okay, no need for apologizing. My story is more chaotic than interesting I would say :)
There's nothing that sparks life inside of me right now, that's why I'm now here.. It's all very gray. The only thing that sparks for me right now is my lighter, lighting up another cigarette, it's the only thing I look forward to anymore lol. But it's something I guess.
That's horrible. Have you tried to find soulmate? I'm very lucky in this regard. I have one inside my head. It is like DID, but it doesn't cause any discomfort. She is perfect, but my mother thinks that I'm weirdo. She pretends that I didn't say her about it. The only problem is that I literally have no any interests except hugging with her. I'm weirdo, but she keeps me alive. No one can understand me, even my psychologist, but it's okay.
I work on biscuit factory. There are many automatic mechanisms, but they are quite bad actually. Im required to fix all mistakes they do. There are a lot of them. And I need to do it fast. It is exhausting.
 
rainwillneverstop

rainwillneverstop

Serious health hazard
Jul 12, 2022
93
That's horrible. Have you tried to find soulmate? I'm very lucky in this regard. I have one inside my head. It is like DID, but it doesn't cause any discomfort. She is perfect, but my mother thinks that I'm weirdo. She pretends that I didn't say her about it. The only problem is that I literally have no any interests except hugging with her. I'm weirdo, but she keeps me alive. No one can understand me, even my psychologist, but it's okay.
I work on biscuit factory. There are many automatic mechanisms, but they are quite bad actually. Im required to fix all mistakes they do. There are a lot of them. And I need to do it fast. It is exhausting.

I lost my soul mate 4 months ago unfortunately but due to the numb emotions, I don't feel much from the loss.
Glad to hear you have found someone like that. As long as she doesn't cause any discomfort, I see no problem. As long as you understand it, it's okay if not everyone around you does. It is worth to hold on to anything in my opinion, that can make us hold on for a little longer, that is the most important par.t

Ah so you maintain the machines at a factory, then we are almost in the same boat regarding having a job fixing the stuff that's broken lol. I understand you think it's stressful, there's always a lot of pressure in those situations.. I can see how it can make even a soft man, curse. For me, it isn't always easy to cope with those stressful moments, and being pushed and pushed and pushed.
The broken repairing the broken, kind of poetic in a way lol.
 
Euler-Maskerony

Euler-Maskerony

I will go with you
May 19, 2022
39
I lost my soul mate 4 months ago unfortunately but due to the numb emotions, I don't feel much from the loss.
Glad to hear you have found someone like that. As long as she doesn't cause any discomfort, I see no problem. As long as you understand it, it's okay if not everyone around you does. It is worth to hold on to anything in my opinion, that can make us hold on for a little longer, that is the most important par.t

Ah so you maintain the machines at a factory, then we are almost in the same boat regarding having a job fixing the stuff that's broken lol. I understand you think it's stressful, there's always a lot of pressure in those situations.. I can see how it can make even a soft man, curse. For me, it isn't always easy to cope with those stressful moments, and being pushed and pushed and pushed.
The broken repairing the broken, kind of poetic in a way lol.
Do you have friends?
 
Euler-Maskerony

Euler-Maskerony

I will go with you
May 19, 2022
39
I lost my soul mate 4 months ago unfortunately but due to the numb emotions, I don't feel much from the loss.
Glad to hear you have found someone like that. As long as she doesn't cause any discomfort, I see no problem. As long as you understand it, it's okay if not everyone around you does. It is worth to hold on to anything in my opinion, that can make us hold on for a little longer, that is the most important par.t

Ah so you maintain the machines at a factory, then we are almost in the same boat regarding having a job fixing the stuff that's broken lol. I understand you think it's stressful, there's always a lot of pressure in those situations.. I can see how it can make even a soft man, curse. For me, it isn't always easy to cope with those stressful moments, and being pushed and pushed and pushed.
The broken repairing the broken, kind of poetic in a way lol.
I just horrified about how you can handle all this by yourself. It must be very difficult. Do you like computer games? I actually didn't like them until I found a good one that interested me.