J

Journeytoletgo

Elementalist
May 14, 2018
845
Hello I am new here! I need some serious advice. I plan on taking my life very soon, this will be my last 1-2 years if not sooner if it becomes to unbearable.

The reason I am on hold is because 1) I have to pay off some college debt (wrong decision to attend school then because now I am planning my exit), anyway I know I should pay it off however I have NO will to work and I find it unbearable every second, minute and hour of everyday is unbearable. I don’t think I’m going to be able to pay it all off because I already have arrangements made if I exit next spring at least everything else will be covered financially however this student loan. I don’t want my parents to have to send a death certificate to the loan provider. So my question is, how do I find the will to work and pay this loan off in one year and stay alive for one year, it’s enough to pay it down I just think the emotional torment will become so unbearable once I have my N, that I will exit without paying it off fully. I just don’t want my parents to have to send out a death certificate when they will be grieving at my decision.
 
J

Journeytoletgo

Elementalist
May 14, 2018
845
Well... I don't work. I have tried it over and over again, but something in my brain must be broken because I can't stand it.
Hey thanks for the reply. Yeah I’m actually thinking about having my parents send out a death certificate. Forget it. I been depressed for too long enough is enough.
 
J

Journeytoletgo

Elementalist
May 14, 2018
845
I
As hard as is it for me to go to work and smoke weed at work play video games research philosiphy etc I manage.
know exercise helps, I could smoke weed however the job I have does drug test at random so I can’t jeopardize that. I guess I will manage however if it becomes too intolerable, I think my parents will have to send that death certificate to the loan provider. I just find it harder and harder everyday to live and at that do anything. I don’t want to even eat anymore. Just so tired of these thoughts and everything
 
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Malice1

Malice1

-
Apr 6, 2018
287
I dont work. Parents take care of me but it does come with a cost. They're very controlling. Anyway when i did work at that one job i couldn't keep, i had a hard time coping. Help desk is so stressful i dont recommend it to anyone. If it wasn't for my co-worker that knew how to fix most things in the computer lab i would have been lost. I called him everytime i couldn't figure something out.
 
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Tiredman

Tiredman

Rest is best
Apr 30, 2018
229
I was working for 6 years at ome company until the working conditions led to me getting kidney + digestive problems. They sucked at safety too so I have multiple injuries as well. If it wasn't for this company I probably would still be in perfect health
 
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FullFat

FullFat

^best order at Micky-D's ever
Apr 27, 2018
375
It's hard. I try my best to pit my anxiety against my depression. I picture all the bad scenarios that could happen if I don't work and pay off my debt/taxes. I know I've hit the mark when I start hyperventilating.
 
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DepressionsAHo

DepressionsAHo

Heaven gained a new ho
Feb 15, 2019
832
Old thread buuut maybe itll help someone.
Benzos (I'm not prescribed them yet but I will be soon) and opiates (will also be prescribed them soon). The benzos keeps the self hatred and the OCD thoughts at bay for long enough for a shift and the opiates are for chronic pain but they also make me calm. I ride a baby high at work everyday for long enough to function. Of course they don't fix me but it's enough to work a shift. I've only just started doing this but it seems to work
 
CrushedHopes

CrushedHopes

Ex-narcissist that is looking to end himself soon
Nov 3, 2019
471
I don't. With my current state, I can't even work on an entry level day job. I'm just that broken. But I'll be going soon anyway, so it's not like it would matter.
 
noctiva

noctiva

the invisible girl
Nov 6, 2019
395
Don't get me wrong, I'm very broken and very very suicidal, but I'm also alone, no one I live with, no blood family that would support me. If I don't work, I don't get paid, I lose my apartment and I can't afford food. So I have to work, pure and simple, or I will be homeless, hungry and pretty much overall screwed. I have very limited energy, and all of it goes into working and nothing else. There's no energy left at the end of the day to meet a friend or go anywhere but home. But it beats homelessness and hunger.

I can't do lots of stuff but I can only recommend you find a job you like. I don't love my job, but it's a good job and I get to do things I like and things I'm good at. It's quite lovely to go on most days.
I'm bad at 9 to 5, so I looked for something more flexible, I bored easily with monotonous tasks, so I looked for something that has diverse range of tasks.

Look after yourself and be kind to yourself. Not everything has to happen all at once.
 
WhiteDespair

WhiteDespair

The Temporary Problem is Life
Oct 24, 2019
734
If it wasn't for my job I'd have CtB a long time ago.

This topic is missing the current loan amount.
 
Spock87

Spock87

Member
Nov 6, 2019
43
I have no choice but to work. My job sucks but I love some of the people. Most days I fight a panic attack but I know if I quit it will be the end
 
Sweet emotion

Sweet emotion

-
Sep 14, 2019
1,327
Hello I am new here! I need some serious advice. I plan on taking my life very soon, this will be my last 1-2 years if not sooner if it becomes to unbearable.

The reason I am on hold is because 1) I have to pay off some college debt (wrong decision to attend school then because now I am planning my exit), anyway I know I should pay it off however I have NO will to work and I find it unbearable every second, minute and hour of everyday is unbearable. I don’t think I’m going to be able to pay it all off because I already have arrangements made if I exit next spring at least everything else will be covered financially however this student loan. I don’t want my parents to have to send a death certificate to the loan provider. So my question is, how do I find the will to work and pay this loan off in one year and stay alive for one year, it’s enough to pay it down I just think the emotional torment will become so unbearable once I have my N, that I will exit without paying it off fully. I just don’t want my parents to have to send out a death certificate when they will be grieving at my decision.
You can't worry about that student loan. If you're dead you can't pay it. Why would your parents have to send in anything?
 
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S

SerenitySeeker

Member
Jun 28, 2019
84

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Sweet emotion

Sweet emotion

-
Sep 14, 2019
1,327
So what's the big deal if they give a death certificate?
 
S

SerenitySeeker

Member
Jun 28, 2019
84
So what's the big deal if they give a death certificate?

Nothing I guess. Going from the OP, seems that they wanted to tie up as many loose ends as they could so their parents wouldn’t have to be bothered with doing it. Which is commendable but sometimes just unavoidable.
 
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Sweet emotion

Sweet emotion

-
Sep 14, 2019
1,327
Nothing I guess. Going from the OP, seems that they wanted to tie up as many loose ends as they could so their parents wouldn’t have to be bothered with doing it. Which is commendable but sometimes just unavoidable.
Oh shit I didn't mean to write that to you. I'm sorry. I meant to write it to the OP. you
Hello I am new here! I need some serious advice. I plan on taking my life very soon, this will be my last 1-2 years if not sooner if it becomes to unbearable.

The reason I am on hold is because 1) I have to pay off some college debt (wrong decision to attend school then because now I am planning my exit), anyway I know I should pay it off however I have NO will to work and I find it unbearable every second, minute and hour of everyday is unbearable. I don’t think I’m going to be able to pay it all off because I already have arrangements made if I exit next spring at least everything else will be covered financially however this student loan. I don’t want my parents to have to send a death certificate to the loan provider. So my question is, how do I find the will to work and pay this loan off in one year and stay alive for one year, it’s enough to pay it down I just think the emotional torment will become so unbearable once I have my N, that I will exit without paying it off fully. I just don’t want my parents to have to send out a death certificate when they will be grieving at my decision.
Please don't think I'm insensitive but what is the big deal if your parents just have to put a piece of paper in an envelope and mail it? I don't think it will make grieving much worse. I'd rather they do that than have to pay money. If not you have to force yourself to work. It's either one or the other. I don't know how you're going to find the will but you're just going to have to do it.
 
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M

Mloureiro

Student
Oct 7, 2019
128
Hate it every single day, the work, the people. One of the main reasons I feel like I do. But kids need to eat and bills paid so...
 
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Kodama

Kodama

Experienced
Oct 11, 2019
209
Wish i'll not need to work anymore asap ! So i'll not need to CTB anymore ...
5 times per week this kind of miracle is possible & it cost me few € to believe that miracles exist so i bet...
Pathetic but it helps me every night to fall asleep (with some Benzos unfortunately)
 
azucaramargo

azucaramargo

Enlightened
Sep 16, 2018
1,010
I

know exercise helps, I could smoke weed however the job I have does drug test at random so I can’t jeopardize that. I guess I will manage however if it becomes too intolerable, I think my parents will have to send that death certificate to the loan provider. I just find it harder and harder everyday to live and at that do anything. I don’t want to even eat anymore. Just so tired of these thoughts and everything
Sounds like you have a ballin' job, J2lg: you could pay off your loan in a year...the random drug tests...Could you get me in there? :) I don't mean to sound flip. You are so responsible to think about your parents! Wish I were you. You seem much more together than I am. And, my CTB plans are not nearly as clear as yours.
 
Lotus1818

Lotus1818

Experienced
Nov 4, 2019
248
I have no choice but to work. My job sucks but I love some of the people. Most days I fight a panic attack but I know if I quit it will be the end
man i feel ya. im constantly stressed at work. trying to not get a panic attack. These last few weeks have only been getting worse. I had a talk with the boss that i screwed something up. and now my confidence is at a all time low. i cant sleep or eat. the pain i get from working is only getting worse.

but i need to work. i need to provide for my fiance and pay the mortgage. i work for a big company that has a office doctor. im going to have a talk with him soon. perhaps he can help me with this. I feel so helpless and getting more desperate. But perhaps there is no helping me. The only thing i think about is wanting to CTB.
 
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