New Member
Aug 14, 2018
Economically, socially, and physically, I'm in a good place. Problem is that there's been a niggling urge to destroy myself since I was a child that hasn't gone away even into healthy young adult maturity. There must be something wrong in my wiring; I don't view death as an escape but a destination.

I've never told anyone anything about how badly I want to self-destruct because I know that it will mess up any chances of me making my eventual suicide (when I hit 25) look like an accident (I have a very good plan). There is not one soul on this planet that knows how many fucked up things I've tried to do to myself and I must keep this facade until the end for it to work.

I'm so fucking starved of attention and help and I can't get any ever or it'll fuck everything up so this is all I've got. I'm in this weird state of being vain and narcissistic but also completely self-destructive.

Therefore I'd love to hear any suggestions of how to self-harm without physical marks. Currently, I get pissed alone, go to dangerous parties and partially hang myself until just before I pass out. I can't sustain the drinking because I'm into fitness and it'll fuck up my body. I was thinking of sexually self-destructing but I don't fancy the STDs, people knowing my identity and I'm a female virgin.