- Oct 6, 2020
I am a 19 year old girl living in England. I live with my parents and younger sister in a large detached Edwardian house. My family have never struggled with finances, we are comfortable. We afford to go on holidays every year and are in a good standing position in the community. I am a pretty girl I have been told, and I wont lie to myself, I am. I am academically gifted and talented at many things. I'm one of those people who, annoyingly, is kind of good at everything they try. I suppose things started to go seriously wrong when I was 14. I developed an eating disorder which I still struggle with 5 years later. I have been at war with myself since it began. I am now bulimic. I am carrying a load of shame and guilt around me wherever I go. I have never had proper treatment for my disorder, and I guess allowing it to slowly get worse and worse was a factor in why I am now writing this post on this forum. It is common for eating disorders to initiate depression and anxiety, and that is what happened in my case. The depressive episodes began 4 years ago, sudden low mood which I couldn't identify a trigger for. It would come with suicidal thoughts but would ease up in a few weeks or so. It was manageable. Well, it was. 2020 was rough for everyone. For me, it led me to choosing to go to university to study biochemistry in September. I lasted 2 weeks before I dropped out. I drank too much and took drugs without even thinking. I has crippling anxiety over being away from my boyfriend. But when I decided it was not for me and came home, the depression hit like a train. 3 months later and it is still here, eating away at my brain every day. Since I have come home from university, I have deteriorated. My eating disorder has become completely out of control. It didn't take long for me to end up in hospital after an overdose. I've had 3 serious attempts in the past month and a half. Most recently I tried to hang myself after breaking up with my boyfriend. My friend called an ambulance to my house and I was taken to the urgent mental health care hub at the hospital where I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, given promethazine and sent on my merry way. I've started abusing ketamine and am seriously falling apart. I ask myself every day "how is today possibly worse than yesterday?". I am hallucinating and hearing voices, I honestly don't know who I am anymore. I don't feel real and I'm so scared. Where did I go? Where is Kathryn? HELP! I'm so lost and permanently stuck in this state of confusion and it feels like a nightmare I can't wake up from. The only reason I'm living through today is because I'm waiting for my SN to arrive, then I'll finally be able to escape. I'm just so done. There is no hope for me now. I don't even know why I'm writing this. It all seems to have fallen apart so suddenly and at such a terrifying pace. It just seems, things can always get worse than you imagine.