• Welcome to SanctionedSuicide, a pro-choice forum for the discussion of mental illness and suicide. Please read our rules and our Principles.
    If you are in need of immediate support, please call the Samaritans hotline at (877) 870-4673, or check our recovery resources.

elzo5678

elzo5678

Member
Joined
Oct 6, 2020
Messages
61
I am a 19 year old girl living in England. I live with my parents and younger sister in a large detached Edwardian house. My family have never struggled with finances, we are comfortable. We afford to go on holidays every year and are in a good standing position in the community. I am a pretty girl I have been told, and I wont lie to myself, I am. I am academically gifted and talented at many things. I'm one of those people who, annoyingly, is kind of good at everything they try. I suppose things started to go seriously wrong when I was 14. I developed an eating disorder which I still struggle with 5 years later. I have been at war with myself since it began. I am now bulimic. I am carrying a load of shame and guilt around me wherever I go. I have never had proper treatment for my disorder, and I guess allowing it to slowly get worse and worse was a factor in why I am now writing this post on this forum. It is common for eating disorders to initiate depression and anxiety, and that is what happened in my case. The depressive episodes began 4 years ago, sudden low mood which I couldn't identify a trigger for. It would come with suicidal thoughts but would ease up in a few weeks or so. It was manageable. Well, it was. 2020 was rough for everyone. For me, it led me to choosing to go to university to study biochemistry in September. I lasted 2 weeks before I dropped out. I drank too much and took drugs without even thinking. I has crippling anxiety over being away from my boyfriend. But when I decided it was not for me and came home, the depression hit like a train. 3 months later and it is still here, eating away at my brain every day. Since I have come home from university, I have deteriorated. My eating disorder has become completely out of control. It didn't take long for me to end up in hospital after an overdose. I've had 3 serious attempts in the past month and a half. Most recently I tried to hang myself after breaking up with my boyfriend. My friend called an ambulance to my house and I was taken to the urgent mental health care hub at the hospital where I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, given promethazine and sent on my merry way. I've started abusing ketamine and am seriously falling apart. I ask myself every day "how is today possibly worse than yesterday?". I am hallucinating and hearing voices, I honestly don't know who I am anymore. I don't feel real and I'm so scared. Where did I go? Where is Kathryn? HELP! I'm so lost and permanently stuck in this state of confusion and it feels like a nightmare I can't wake up from. The only reason I'm living through today is because I'm waiting for my SN to arrive, then I'll finally be able to escape. I'm just so done. There is no hope for me now. I don't even know why I'm writing this. It all seems to have fallen apart so suddenly and at such a terrifying pace. It just seems, things can always get worse than you imagine.
 
M

Moviement

Member
Joined
Dec 16, 2020
Messages
15
My english suck, but i feel every you word.
 
  • Like
Reactions: elzo5678
W

WornOutLife

マット
Joined
Mar 22, 2020
Messages
7,347
elzo5678 said:
I honestly don't know who I am anymore.
I can relate so much!
I'm sorry you're feeling like this. You're so young!

Anyway, good luck with whatever decision you make. You deserve to be at peace.

Hugs and love
 
  • Like
  • Hugs
Reactions: elzo5678 and Sherri
Neowise

Neowise

We fly and fly but never reach our destination.
Joined
Oct 7, 2020
Messages
268
elzo5678 said:
We afford to go on holidays every year and are in a good standing position in the community. I am a pretty girl I have been told, and I wont lie to myself, I am. I am academically gifted and talented at many things. I'm one of those people who, annoyingly, is kind of good at everything they try.
I am exactly the opposite to this. My family is neither rich nor popular. I am ugly or mediocre looking, dumb and everything I try turns out crap, I have 0 talent for anything.

You are what I have always been wishing to be myself and thought this would be the key for me to live a happy life.
Turns out this might not be the case, I truly feel sorry for you that you are struggling like this although you've had very good starting conditions and hope everything will turn out better for you, one way or the other!
 
elzo5678

elzo5678

Member
Joined
Oct 6, 2020
Messages
61
Yeah, mental illness really doesn't discriminate :( I seemingly have everything yet am desperately
suicidal.
WornOutLife said:
I can relate so much!
I'm sorry you're feeling like this. You're so young!

Anyway, good luck with whatever decision you make. You deserve to be at peace.

Hugs and love
Thank you, I already feel like I'm dead tbh :(
 
sadgirl2002

sadgirl2002

Fallen Angel
Joined
Apr 9, 2019
Messages
452
I can relate. I was around 13 when I realised what depression was and I knew I had it all my life which stemmed from childhood. I also left sixth form after two weeks because I couldn't handle it and I was bulimic a few years ago. Life has only got worse for me as time passes. I have a job but that doesn't fix anything. I was 19 when I first found SS and that was over two years ago, I can see myself in the post you had written. If I had ended it then, I wouldn't be suffering even more now. I hope you find peace and I'm here if you want to talk. Hugs <3
 
  • Love
Reactions: Moviement
elzo5678

elzo5678

Member
Joined
Oct 6, 2020
Messages
61
sadgirl2002 said:
I can relate. I was around 13 when I realised what depression was and I knew I had it all my life which stemmed from childhood. I also left sixth form after two weeks because I couldn't handle it and I was bulimic a few years ago. Life has only got worse for me as time passes. I have a job but that doesn't fix anything. I was 19 when I first found SS and that was over two years ago, I can see myself in the post you had written. If I had ended it then, I wouldn't be suffering even more now. I hope you find peace and I'm here if you want to talk. Hugs <3
Thank you so much, I am close to finding my peace, I wont have to suffer much longer thankfully
 

Similar threads