B

betternever2havbeen

Experienced
Jun 19, 2022
249
Just wondering what others think-I know it varies. I take things really really badly especially death so I think I grieve a lot more than most. Of course it depends how close you were to a person as well. We lost my grandmother a few months ago and I took it 10x worse than my mum did. I know she'll be upset at my death but she's not one to dwell on things, I doubt she'll give it a lot of thought really. I can't imagine her being like some of these other parents and playing the blame game (although she literally knows how I feel and have felt for many years so she knows no one has encouraged me in any way). I didn't wanna CTB whilst my grandmother was still alive, I think she would've taken it badly (I hid my depression from her for the most part) and I would feel bad doing it. My mum never shows any emotions she's literally the polar opposite of me and she loves life so she'll just go on living it no matter what life throws at her. I can't be that person.
 
AshersGirl

AshersGirl

Member
Apr 29, 2022
99
It depends, I think, on the person and the nature of relationship with the deceased. Some people will grieve forever though for most the intensity fades over time, like you learn to live with the loss even though you still feel it. If it was someone very close to you or a part of your day to day living, the absence of them can be felt viscerally in everything.

I’ve grieved close family members but still managed to somewhat navigate the day to day, but grieving the loss of my FP (term borderlines use for “favourite person”) never goes away and it’s hell because of the fact I do have such intensity of emotion. It’s only overridden when my emotions shut down as a dissociative defence mechanism, but then I feel nothing at all.

That’s me though. Neurotypical people may not feel it as though they’re being burnt from the inside out. I don’t have any basis for comparison other than how I experience it.
 
Well-Edited Chaos

Well-Edited Chaos

Member
May 8, 2022
179
Just wondering what others think-I know it varies.
Two of the things that have the most impact are the nature of the relationship and the suddenness of the death.

My grandma had a heart attack and died within a day. I had a good relationship with her and she was 70-something so I got over it in a few months.

My mom got leukemia (stage 4 by the time she was diagnosed) and died within weeks. We'd had a strained relationship most of my life and because of my commitments 1,000 miles away I couldn't leave to go see her until the very end. She died an hour before I got to the hospital. It took me MANY years to get over it.

Age also matters - I was in my early 30s when Mom died. It would have been even harder if I had been younger.
 
locked*n*loaded

locked*n*loaded

Enlightened
Apr 15, 2022
1,706
My mom died a little over 1-1/2 years ago, and I'm nowhere near over it. It took me years to get over my dad passing away. You never really get over it. I never had a child pass away. I can only imagine that would be about as hard as it gets.
 
B

betternever2havbeen

Experienced
Jun 19, 2022
249
@AshersGirl yeh I've wondered for a while if I may be autistic or something as everyone else seems to be able to put death "in perspective". Of course when someone takes their own life it seems to be different which is a problem...for me it seems like it wouldn't be so bad because the person chose that option instead of having death forced on them from terminal illness or something when they loved life and wanted to live. I haven't lost anyone to suicide though so I can't know what it feels like if it actually happens.

Sorry you have struggled with grief too 🤗
Two of the things that have the most impact are the nature of the relationship and the suddenness of the death.

My grandma had a heart attack and died within a day. I had a good relationship with her and she was 70-something so I got over it in a few months.

My mom got leukemia (stage 4 by the time she was diagnosed) and died within weeks. We'd had a strained relationship most of my life and because of my commitments 1,000 miles away I couldn't leave to go see her until the very end. She died an hour before I got to the hospital. It took me MANY years to get over it.

Age also matters - I was in my early 30s when Mom died. It would have been even harder if I had been younger.
Yeh true it depends on how they died. I had two grandmothers that died at the same age-one when I was only 16 but I got over it quickly because I only used to see her a couple times a year and my auntie and cousins were sorting everything. Then when I lost my other grandmother recently it was so much harder as we were very close. I hated being up close with death like that (she died at home after refusing to go into hospital which would've been better) I couldn't really handle it.

Sorry about your mom, I always find there are so many "what ifs" that make grief SO much worse.
My mom died a little over 1-1/2 years ago, and I'm nowhere near over it. It took me years to get over my dad passing away. You never really get over it. I never had a child pass away. I can only imagine that would be about as hard as it gets.
Yeh it took me years with my dad too, I know I couldn't handle my mother passing but that's just me. You only have one mother and one father and once they are gone that's it. I've always known once my mother goes I'll go too, but now I just think I'll go first because I have nothing to live for.
 
Last edited:
Fadeawaaaay

Fadeawaaaay

Enlightened
Nov 12, 2021
1,663
I have never been bereaved over anybody but there’s something wrong with my wiring
 
C

Cronetappingout

Member
Feb 13, 2020
42
You never stop grieving for someone you love. It just becomes part of your life. This is facts. Sorry if that isnt what you wanted to hear.
 
osako

osako

Everything all at once
Jul 30, 2022
179
My dad died in 2007. I’m still grieving. He did die in my arms , though, so that has stuck with me. Messed me up.
My mom died in 2017. I wasn’t there, so I feel a tremendous amount of guilt. I’m still grieving her passing as well.
I was an only child so that could play a part in it.
The fact that besides my son, they were the only family I had.
 
ge0rge

ge0rge

the satanic mechanic
Jul 29, 2018
431
Just wondering what others think-I know it varies. I take things really really badly especially death so I think I grieve a lot more than most. Of course it depends how close you were to a person as well. We lost my grandmother a few months ago and I took it 10x worse than my mum did. I know she'll be upset at my death but she's not one to dwell on things, I doubt she'll give it a lot of thought really. I can't imagine her being like some of these other parents and playing the blame game (although she literally knows how I feel and have felt for many years so she knows no one has encouraged me in any way). I didn't wanna CTB whilst my grandmother was still alive, I think she would've taken it badly (I hid my depression from her for the most part) and I would feel bad doing it. My mum never shows any emotions she's literally the polar opposite of me and she loves life so she'll just go on living it no matter what life throws at her. I can't be that person.
you can never properly assume how people react to different people's deaths. maybe your mother took it better than you because of who your grandmother was, but I think to lose a child is quite different.

I'm sorry you had to hide your depression and pretend. I know it gets very exhausting, not to mention that it deepens the depression.

sometimes people who never display their emotions still feel them, and deeply, but they're adept at hiding them. I'm not saying that's your case, or rather your mom's case, but you can never know for sure.

I lost my mother two months ago and ever since my world has become a dark, unwelcome place. I feel I've overstayed my welcome. I want to go where she went and, if possible, see her again. this kind of grief is completely incompatible with life, no matter how hard I might try to regain a sense of joy. I wish grief had a precise timeline, a clear beginning and an end.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: joeythinks
Rational man

Rational man

Elementalist
Oct 19, 2021
876
When my parents died I did not spill tears but when i lost my previous cat, i cried for Months. loss affects us differently and i have learned to live along side it. Be kind to YOU ❤
 
B

betternever2havbeen

Experienced
Jun 19, 2022
249
My dad died in 2007. I'm still grieving. He did die in my arms , though, so that has stuck with me. Messed me up.
My mom died in 2017. I wasn't there, so I feel a tremendous amount of guilt. I'm still grieving her passing as well.
I was an only child so that could play a part in it.
The fact that besides my son, they were the only family I had.
@osako sorry to hear of your losses. We didn't get to be there to see my grandfather either, I agree there is a lot of guilt you feel when you don't get to be there. That's probably the worst feeling.

@joeythinks yeh that's a really good analogy. It's so right in that you can think you are going ok and then it suddenly hits you again one day.

you can never properly assume how people react to different people's deaths. maybe your mother took it better than you because of who your grandmother was, but I think to lose a child is quite different.

I'm sorry you had to hide your depression and pretend. I know it gets very exhausting, not to mention that it deepens the depression.

sometimes people who never display their emotions still feel them, and deeply, but they're adept at hiding them. I'm not saying that's your case, or rather your mom's case, but you can never know for sure.

I lost my mother two months ago and ever since my world has become a dark, unwelcome place. I feel I've overstayed my welcome. I want to go where she went and, if possible, see her again. this kind of grief is completely incompatible with life, no matter how hard I might try to regain a sense of joy. I wish grief had a precise timeline, a clear beginning and an end.
We were both extremely close to my grandmother, but my mother doesn't dwell on things, it doesn't affect her in the same way. She doesn't want to lose me but she has much greater capacity than me to get over loss and I know she'll be ok.

Sorry to hear about your mother, I had that same cloud too when I lost my dad. I didn't think I'd ever get over it but I did-it took years though, but that was mostly due to the fact he suffered so much. I'm done losing people it's my turn next. I understand how you feel, I think ever since I was a kid I knew I wouldn't be able to cope without my mother and I'd just go then-turns out I can't cope now so I'm happy to go sooner, as soon as I can settle on an actual method.

When my parents died I did not spill tears but when i lost my previous cat, i cried for Months. loss affects us differently and i have learned to live along side it. Be kind to YOU ❤

Yeh I didn't cry much when my dad died-I figured crying over it didn't even begin to cover how I felt so I just didn't. Then I would cry over the most stupid things like if I couldn't get something to work. I did cry a lot over my grandmothers death but never in front of anyone else. I can't be doing with grief, I know it's a part of life but I can't accept it-not when I have hardly any family left now, might've been easier with a big family.