A

Anonymous1997ES

Member
Jul 30, 2021
81
Sorry if I already asked that question before, it's something that I don't think I've ever known (and if I did, it was unconsciously, but I lost that skill a long time ago).

This week I checked out past accounts of mine to see how I interacted with people online... What I found shocked me, and I kinda lost my breath for a few minutes... I read messages of lost friendships, how I lost my first ever romantic relationship, how I was pretty much cancelled on Deviantart before cancelling became mainstream... And it looks like, almost ten years later, I haven't learned anything...

Thanks to God I still keep a very close internet friendship, as well as a somewhat casual one... But aside from those exceptions, the most I have managed to gain is to be an acquaintance, rather than even a casual friend. Recently I got invited to two Discord servers by two people, one of them has befriended almost 50 People from his server (checked out mutual friends by curiosity), and built it in less than a month...
The other also has befriended most people from his server (at least 10-12), and even introduced me to one of his friends (didn't want to be seen as ungrateful, so I said yes), managed to talk few words with that new person, but eventually it went to nothing (had I said no, I'm afraid I would've being seen as someone arrogant or selfish).

Honestly... I don't text people in Discord unless they text me first, or if I ask for permission in another channel (most of the time I chat with the "offline" icon on so I don't get seen...)
My reasons are these:
1. At the extremely best scenario, I manage to create a friendship (this only happens in very rare situations).
2. At the very best scenario, I might have a new friend for in between 1-6 months, and then radio-silence.
3. At best, we might talk a few words, and then radio-silence.
4. At neutral, If I text someone first, they might just ignore me.
5. At worst, I might get told that I'm making them feel uncomfortable, so that I no longer contact them.
6. At the very worst scenario, I might get blocked and reported.
7. At the extremely worst scenario, I might get blocked, reported and even cancelled, while being accused as someone who has evil intentions... Like an stalker, creep or God knows what else... This is my main fear to not text people first...

What am I doing wrong?

I don't really know how others can socialize so easily, even in the internet (which I've been using as a way to re-learn social skills before trying in real life), was thinking about asking one of three people I've met that seem really kind-hearted and we've had some conversations, but I'm afraid they might get the wrong idea...
In between 2.020 and 2.021, I was in a server for a year, and only managed to make a casual friendship there, while I saw other users that, in just less than a week of joining, made a lot of friendships far more easily...

In the three main ones I'm right now, have been in two for a year (both are connected), and the other one for like three months, and so far, while I've managed to hold conversations and get along with people as acquaintances in all three ones... So far I've yet to make a friendship there (thought I had one but, ended up ghosted after a month, and had to delete them to cope with the pain).
Is it possible for people to get vibes of our energy, even behind a computer? I've been trying to share hobbies with people, to slowly interact with them, to respect boundaries while hoping someone might tell me "would you like to be friends?", but those words being sincere...

What could I do? Should I ask those sempais for socializing lessons, or should I forget about it? Once again sorry if I already asked this before...
 
J

je.suis.prêt

Jag förstår inte :s
Jul 9, 2022
11
This doesn’t directly address the question, but:

Remember that you will not click with everyone. Some people click with many people, some with fewer. If you find that a lot of these relationships do not stick remember that it may take a lot of searching, and a lot of attempts to find your people/person.

I am the kind of person with fewer clicks.

Hope it helps :)

Varsågod
JSP
 
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A

Anonymous1997ES

Member
Jul 30, 2021
81
The topic has to get off suicide. What else do we have in common? That's my first line of inquiry here
You mean like moving the thread into the suicide forums? Or that not being able to socialize increasing suicidal thoughts?
Sorry, didn't understand the meaning of your sentence :c

This doesn’t directly address the question, but:

Remember that you will not click with everyone. Some people click with many people, some with fewer. If you find that a lot of these relationships do not stick remember that it may take a lot of searching, and a lot of attempts to find your people/person.

I am the kind of person with fewer clicks.

Hope it helps :)

Varsågod
JSP
Wow... If you don't mind me asking, how long did it took you to connect with others?
At least in Discord, I've been trying since 2.017, and have been in at least eight servers (counting the four mentioned here), in which I was a member for at least three months, ranging from series I like, to those focused on mental health support groups and even those to learn languages, but it's just too difficult... I'm scared that if I try to text someone I will end up getting blocked or God knows what else...
 
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whywhywhy

whywhywhy

Member
Jun 11, 2021
39
I think its pretty rare to have online only friends. People normally use friends to hang out irl if they are on the internet they might eventually get bored of it.
But dont take me as an expert on the matter
 
Ethereal Knight

Ethereal Knight

Looking for the eternal night 🌕
Jan 10, 2022
680
we live in a society that has an implied, hidden hierarchy of relationships, in which the level of intimacy that is expected from relationships is greater in marriages, lower on friendships, even lower on neighbors and work partners etc… so people are taught that they should get married, and have all their social, affectionate and sexual needs met by the same person. when they want intimacy, they look for a romantic partner, not a friend. it's not your fault. society is sick. they do social engineering on purpose to make people miserable, so they can profit more. I think it's as basic as that.

with that said, though, maybe you could try being vulnerable and being yourself, so maybe the person could feel free to be like this too.

sharing activities together helps a lot, we should have some common goal or hobbie, like cycling together, so you could have an actual thing to do, instead of just talking. (not to mention talking could be counter-productive, as it can lead people to ruminate about their problems).

needless to say that the person should not feel sexually attracted to you.

intimacy could very well mean "into me you see". when people feel like they can be themselves, they feel a sense of freedom and acceptance.

another option is to forget about this and try contribution instead. if you serve other people, if you are useful to them, this can actually be very good and therapeutic for you, even if this sounds like something you'd not gain anything from.
 
GentleJerk

GentleJerk

Carrot juice aficionado.
Dec 14, 2021
1,316
"Friend" is an odd concept, it made more sense back on the school playground, and in younger years.

I prefer family, and family to me doesn't mean blood relative.

Family is less of a hang out and have fun thing, and more of a got each others back and look out for each other + our kin thing.

Everybody is busy asf now as adults, making a living and having wives n kids and all that. I still have friends I guess, we might find the time to chat, or catch up occasionally, but it takes more than that to earn my full trust and respect now.

I'm actually over having people in my life that just wanna joke around, chill and watch movies & play games and shit. There to soak up all the good times, but always leave you dry when it really matters. Friends are cheap and easy. I've had 100's of "friends" they come and go. I'm even friends with my local fruit and veg shop owner and the deli butcher.

But family is for life. If you're my family, and someone messes with you, or your grandparents for instance, they have to deal with me. If you're just my friend, well, that sucks for you my friend, and I might help you out... but would you do the same for me?

Even if your a mongrel, I'd rather be your friend than your enemy. But at the end of the day, fuck friends. Because it's all about family, and family is for life.
 
J

je.suis.prêt

Jag förstår inte :s
Jul 9, 2022
11
Wow... If you don't mind me asking, how long did it took you to connect with others?
At least in Discord, I've been trying since 2.017, and have been in at least eight servers (counting the four mentioned here), in which I was a member for at least three months, ranging from series I like, to those focused on mental health support groups and even those to learn languages, but it's just too difficult... I'm scared that if I try to text someone I will end up getting blocked or God knows what else...
I can’t say much about online/discord friendships specifically, but with relationships in general I find that it takes maybe a month of regular contact with a person for them to become an acquaintance — not a friend just yet. Friendships specifically require much longer — a year maybe — of conversations, connections, and vulnerability (where appropriate of course).

You’re right to feel a anxious regarding rejection, we all do, the embers of any relationship — platonic, romantic, etc… — is the facing of this risk of rejection.

Keep on doing your best to enjoy yourself, engage in things you like, constructively better yourself, while also reaching out to people you think you’ll like.

You’re ok.

A lot of us feel like we’re learning to swim in the deep-end with regard to socialisation and all’at.

Varsågod
JSP
 
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A

Anonymous1997ES

Member
Jul 30, 2021
81
I didn't mean either of those things, don't worry about it
Sure xD

I have the same problem. A friend is worth 1,000 acquaintances.
It's difficult to make connections in these days... Agreed.

I think its pretty rare to have online only friends. People normally use friends to hang out irl if they are on the internet they might eventually get bored of it.
But dont take me as an expert on the matter
True, most people have face to face friendships and maybe some online ones (though the latter ones are more common in introvert individuals with hobbies like anime, videogames and manga/comics). :'v

we live in a society that has an implied, hidden hierarchy of relationships, in which the level of intimacy that is expected from relationships is greater in marriages, lower on friendships, even lower on neighbors and work partners etc… so people are taught that they should get married, and have all their social, affectionate and sexual needs met by the same person. when they want intimacy, they look for a romantic partner, not a friend. it's not your fault. society is sick. they do social engineering on purpose to make people miserable, so they can profit more. I think it's as basic as that.

with that said, though, maybe you could try being vulnerable and being yourself, so maybe the person could feel free to be like this too.

sharing activities together helps a lot, we should have some common goal or hobbie, like cycling together, so you could have an actual thing to do, instead of just talking. (not to mention talking could be counter-productive, as it can lead people to ruminate about their problems).

needless to say that the person should not feel sexually attracted to you.

intimacy could very well mean "into me you see". when people feel like they can be themselves, they feel a sense of freedom and acceptance.

another option is to forget about this and try contribution instead. if you serve other people, if you are useful to them, this can actually be very good and therapeutic for you, even if this sounds like something you'd not gain anything from.
Do you think that's why so many people end up succumbing to suicide should they break up with their romantic partner? As they were their only anchor tying them to reality, so they leave behind almost everything else (except maybe their families and/or some friendships)... Wow...

I've tried to be vulnerable, both in real life and in the internet, but at least I just make acquaintances, and at worst, I gain people's hatred (the last two people I befriend face to face ended up hating me and we became enemies). No worries, I'm not interest in any romantic relationship at all, as I don't have the maturity at all, and family/friends is more than enough for me.

As someone who's former ideal was helping people without asking for anything in return, trust me, do not follow that path, because eventually your subconscious mind will expect a reward, even a "thank you", so if you get used and/or betrayed after helping people that will break you... That's what happened to me.

"Friend" is an odd concept, it made more sense back on the school playground, and in younger years.

I prefer family, and family to me doesn't mean blood relative.

Family is less of a hang out and have fun thing, and more of a got each others back and look out for each other + our kin thing.

Everybody is busy asf now as adults, making a living and having wives n kids and all that. I still have friends I guess, we might find the time to chat, or catch up occasionally, but it takes more than that to earn my full trust and respect now.

I'm actually over having people in my life that just wanna joke around, chill and watch movies & play games and shit. There to soak up all the good times, but always leave you dry when it really matters. Friends are cheap and easy. I've had 100's of "friends" they come and go. I'm even friends with my local fruit and veg shop owner and the deli butcher.

But family is for life. If you're my family, and someone messes with you, or your grandparents for instance, they have to deal with me. If you're just my friend, well, that sucks for you my friend, and I might help you out... but would you do the same for me?

Even if your a mongrel, I'd rather be your friend than your enemy. But at the end of the day, fuck friends. Because it's all about family, and family is for life.
You mean like, friends whom you're so close to, you consider them as your second family, the one not tied by blood, but rather bonds and sincerity. I understand what you mean, making sure you will sacrifice for someone who will do the same for you, and not go away once things get difficult... Wish I could have your strength, you sound like a really brave person o_o

I can’t say much about online/discord friendships specifically, but with relationships in general I find that it takes maybe a month of regular contact with a person for them to become an acquaintance — not a friend just yet. Friendships specifically require much longer — a year maybe — of conversations, connections, and vulnerability (where appropriate of course).

You’re right to feel a anxious regarding rejection, we all do, the embers of any relationship — platonic, romantic, etc… — is the facing of this risk of rejection.

Keep on doing your best to enjoy yourself, engage in things you like, constructively better yourself, while also reaching out to people you think you’ll like.

You’re ok.

A lot of us feel like we’re learning to swim in the deep-end with regard to socialisation and all’at.

Varsågod
JSP
I remember that I kept trying a lot, and only gave up in mid 2.019, after my last attempt of making friends face to face ended up in ruin... In this year instead I lost two friendships, and I think with others I'm sure they don't want to tell me they don't want to be friends anymore, so I just don't delete them until they do so on their own, to not have enemies... I had so many chances to make good friends, but I lost so many of them because I was/am stupid enough and couldn't protect those bonds... If I can't even socialize in the internet, how will I do so in real life? Sorry for the rambling, it kinda hurts...
 
W

waitingforrest

Warlock
Dec 27, 2021
763
I have usually only had aquaintences in real life, I can definitely understand exactly how frustrating it is to be like a second choice for someone until their friends are available.

Usually losing many long term friends once they see mental breakdowns and how suicidal I am that I am a liability to have in their lives. I look at interacting with people in a different way than in the past, just appreciating the people I get to know in real life because I know I can't make them stay forever, nor can I hold onto them forever. Nor is staying with someone as unstable healthy for them in the long term.

It helps me cope at least when people I know in real life start to drift away. Cheesy and "vapid inspirational-qoute-like" to say. Although it makes once happy memories sad, it makes time spent with some people all the more important because it won't last forever. A month or a year is all the same because the dreaded goodbye will have to come eventually, whether by a falling out or a unexpected death.

But I know that this doesn't work for everyone, and it might not work for you as well. Most of us deep down just want someone to stay for once in our lives. And to experience the carefree joy that other people have with their many friends and families. It still does hurt after all, to wish for something that is so out of reach.

It's okay to ask as many times as you wish, you don't have to apologize at all. It is all too easy to feel like a burden, especially when many people have suddenly left without any explaination.
 
A

Anonymous1997ES

Member
Jul 30, 2021
81
I have usually only had aquaintences in real life, I can definitely understand exactly how frustrating it is to be like a second choice for someone until their friends are available.

Usually losing many long term friends once they see mental breakdowns and how suicidal I am that I am a liability to have in their lives. I look at interacting with people in a different way than in the past, just appreciating the people I get to know in real life because I know I can't make them stay forever, nor can I hold onto them forever. Nor is staying with someone as unstable healthy for them in the long term.

It helps me cope at least when people I know in real life start to drift away. Cheesy and "vapid inspirational-qoute-like" to say. Although it makes once happy memories sad, it makes time spent with some people all the more important because it won't last forever. A month or a year is all the same because the dreaded goodbye will have to come eventually, whether by a falling out or a unexpected death.

But I know that this doesn't work for everyone, and it might not work for you as well. Most of us deep down just want someone to stay for once in our lives. And to experience the carefree joy that other people have with their many friends and families. It still does hurt after all, to wish for something that is so out of reach.

It's okay to ask as many times as you wish, you don't have to apologize at all. It is all too easy to feel like a burden, especially when many people have suddenly left without any explaination.
Learning to let go of someone is really hard... Especially since most people seldom have to deal with that pain, while others have to do so quite a lot, I'm sorry to hear you have to deal with that... Like you, most of the friends I have are like 3-4% of all the people I've ever called "friends" in life... Abandonment issues are hard to deal with, and I hope we both might find a way to answer those questions u_u
 
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Z

Zegers

Specialist
Dec 15, 2021
337
I don't usually fit in with anyone, so i got tired and isolated myself, the juice isnt worth the squeeze. Connect with others is hard unless you are a social being or kind of fetching.
 
J

je.suis.prêt

Jag förstår inte :s
Jul 9, 2022
11
I remember that I kept trying a lot, and only gave up in mid 2.019, after my last attempt of making friends face to face ended up in ruin... In this year instead I lost two friendships, and I think with others I'm sure they don't want to tell me they don't want to be friends anymore, so I just don't delete them until they do so on their own, to not have enemies... I had so many chances to make good friends, but I lost so many of them because I was/am stupid enough and couldn't protect those bonds... If I can't even socialize in the internet, how will I do so in real life? Sorry for the rambling, it kinda hurts...
It’s fine to ramble, it’s basically therapy :)

after my last attempt at making friends ended in ruin
There are times where I cringe about how awkward I was from years ago. There was this cute girl I liked, and I was sååå awkward, typing this sentence brought back the memories, and made me cringe.

When these attempts end in ruin, it will hurt, and discourage you. Your feelings are very valid. But it should not cause you to stop trying. After all, practise makes perfect.

You will get embarrassed at times, it happens. When you are in face-to-face situations, you don’t have to go in with the primary intention of making friends. Participate in whatever is going on, and do your best to be friendly. Over time you will get to know each other, you might form acquaintanceships, or even friendships.

I had so many chances to make good friends but I lost so many of them because I was/am stupid enough and couldn't protect those bonds
So you do know how to socialise! Why not try to cultivate one relationship at a time. Don’t constantly message them, have them as your primary ‘friend project’ — almost like dating :D

If I can't even socialize in the internet, how will I do so in real life?
Personally, I think socialising in real life is the basis of socialising, online relationships can be more difficult to take to the next level. A big part of the interpersonal connection is physical presence. So I would word the above quote backwards: “if I can’t socialise in real life, how will I create interpersonal connection online.”

Something that may embarrass people like us is the need to actively learn how to socialise. I used to feel a little embarrassment because I had to learn — even study — the idea of socialising and conversations. It seems to come easily to others… but not to me? Is there something wrong with me?

What I found helps, which may help you too, is listening to other people, on the street, on talk shows, anywhere! And listen to their conversation. What questions do they ask? How do they react to certain things? How about body language?

It’s ok to feel down and sorry for yourself, but always pick yourself up and carry on!


Varsågod
JSP
 
A

Anonymous1997ES

Member
Jul 30, 2021
81
I don't usually fit in with anyone, so i got tired and isolated myself, the juice isnt worth the squeeze. Connect with others is hard unless you are a social being or kind of fetching.
Sorry to hear that... Agreed with you, sometimes isolation is better than rejection...

It’s fine to ramble, it’s basically therapy :)


There are times where I cringe about how awkward I was from years ago. There was this cute girl I liked, and I was sååå awkward, typing this sentence brought back the memories, and made me cringe.

When these attempts end in ruin, it will hurt, and discourage you. Your feelings are very valid. But it should not cause you to stop trying. After all, practise makes perfect.

You will get embarrassed at times, it happens. When you are in face-to-face situations, you don’t have to go in with the primary intention of making friends. Participate in whatever is going on, and do your best to be friendly. Over time you will get to know each other, you might form acquaintanceships, or even friendships.


So you do know how to socialise! Why not try to cultivate one relationship at a time. Don’t constantly message them, have them as your primary ‘friend project’ — almost like dating :D


Personally, I think socialising in real life is the basis of socialising, online relationships can be more difficult to take to the next level. A big part of the interpersonal connection is physical presence. So I would word the above quote backwards: “if I can’t socialise in real life, how will I create interpersonal connection online.”

Something that may embarrass people like us is the need to actively learn how to socialise. I used to feel a little embarrassment because I had to learn — even study — the idea of socialising and conversations. It seems to come easily to others… but not to me? Is there something wrong with me?

What I found helps, which may help you too, is listening to other people, on the street, on talk shows, anywhere! And listen to their conversation. What questions do they ask? How do they react to certain things? How about body language?

It’s ok to feel down and sorry for yourself, but always pick yourself up and carry on!


Varsågod
JSP
You're right, IRL friendships are the ones we learned with as children, so if someone had bad experiences there, connecting in the internet may seem more difficult u_u Will make another thread relating to a similar topic, think this too is too overcrowded... Thing is, because of a mistake I made, IRL most people just talk to me when we're face to face, or when they can't really avoid me, but after that is radio-silence.

Will try to talk less and listen more, count on that. Thank you both :D
 
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