milkandcoffee

milkandcoffee

Member
Aug 8, 2022
11
I've got BPD. I go years where I feel like it's managed, it's all behind me, then some shit happens and drags me down again and suddenly I'm hurting myself and plotting my death again. Fucking unpredictable. It feels like there's no stability for me. Like if someone noticed and sent me to the psych ward, I'd just be on my way again with the same bottle of pills as always in three days, right back where I was on the downward spiral. I don't see what anyone could possibly do to actually help me.

Anyway, I've been having a hard time at work lately. Yesterday I scratched myself up in the bathroom with my nails. Not enough to bleed, but enough to bruise. It's on my forearm. My and my bf usually spend the weekends together. He went home to do some cleaning and take care of his pets but he'll be back in a few hours. I think I can keep it secret if I keep it hidden today. The bruises should be fairly faded tomorrow. Then I can say I did it without realizing when it doesn't look so angry. I think this is the only time in my life I've been happy to be on my period. Easy to brush off intimacy.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. I'm nearly 30 and medicated and in therapy and I'm doing everything right and I've got everything I could ever want and I'm living that goddamn live worth living but I just keep doing this. This shit ended my last relationship. I haven't talked to my bf about BPD- I had my head in the sand about it for a while even though I've suspected for years. Finally got officially diagnosed just a month ago or so, even though the psych did note I was in remission and was mostly diagnosing with my consent and because I believed the label would help inform treatment. I guess remission looks like hurting yourself and sobbing in the bathroom at work because of the stress that it seems literally everyone else in the office can handle just fuckin fine.

Just a vent I guess. Thanks for reading if you did. Life sucks. Hopefully this is an all right thread for the recovery section.
 
jodes2

jodes2

SN arrived!
Aug 28, 2022
1,305
Sorry you're struggling with SH and BPD I hope your boyfriend could be understanding?
 
theboy

theboy

Elementalist
Jul 15, 2022
847
I hear you. Cut the body and free yourself from pain. It's raw