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Tiredman

Tiredman

Rest is best
Apr 30, 2018
229
This is purely hypothetical but If you could go back to certain point in your life and change one crucial thing would you still want to ctb?

I honestly was very afraid of death as a child and would often fantasize about immortality in an attempt to deny the fact that I would die one day. Now however, as morbid as it sounds, I can't stop thinking about death because it is the only thing that will bring about an end to my suffering from untreatable chronic pain and illness.

I think however if I had was given the opportunity go back in time to my early childhood and undo one crucial mistake I'd be a much happier person and would be in a totally different predicament I am in now.
 
DF90

DF90

Experienced
Mar 18, 2018
275
I've wanted to kill myself since elementary, but I felt happiness for several years, 2011 through 2016. I ruined it for myself in 2017 with self destructive behaviors. I think if I changed one thing in 2017 my life would still be okay and I would want to live more.
 
sadak_the_wanderer

sadak_the_wanderer

An appropriate painting
Mar 19, 2018
243
No, I do not think that I missed just one critical window or event. It wasn't like I fumbled a particular catch and everything would have gone differently. The things that drag me down, they were going to happen no matter what, as far as I can tell. I was always going to have health problems. I was never going to be attractive. I was always going to be alone.

If I could go back or at least pass knowledge to myself, I would have just CtB at an earlier date than what I have planned.
 
FullFat

FullFat

^best order at Micky-D's ever
Apr 27, 2018
375
Yes. My last depressive episode revealed to me that my life circumstances aren't the problem - it's me.

At the time, I was doing even better than I had expected. My career was soaring, I was easily able to make friends for the first time in my life, and I was even looking forward to finally dating. I had an incredible future ahead of me in terms of the things that I had always wanted. I was successful and capable. I felt like I had a purpose and that I belonged. I naively hoped that I had turned my life around.

Of course, after just a few months, it was back to my usual misery. The utter futility of my efforts finally dawned on me at a celebratory party for a hard-earned success. Distantly, I knew that I was supposed to be enjoying the fine dining and the conversation with people I admired, but all I felt was a profound emptiness. To drag out the overused but useful cliche, it was like all the color had been drained from the world, and all that remained were memories of how it looked in color.

I really can't overstate the despair I felt right then. I had finally been given the chance I had always wished for, and it wasn't enough.


So, I am fundamentally incapable of happiness. There is nothing I can do and no life I could live that would prove otherwise. There are things I regret, sure, but they're not game changing.
 
Tiredman

Tiredman

Rest is best
Apr 30, 2018
229
I wish life had a reset button but sadly we're stuck dealing with the consequences of a life we never intended or asked for. Thank you all for your responses.
 
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S

Sternum

Student
May 12, 2018
121
Not a sarcastic response, I would like to change my having been born, then I wouldn’t have to address this question of going through the miserable experience of preparing to kill myself, and then doing it.
 
S

Sternum

Student
May 12, 2018
121
Yes. My last depressive episode revealed to me that my life circumstances aren't the problem - it's me.

At the time, I was doing even better than I had expected. My career was soaring, I was easily able to make friends for the first time in my life, and I was even looking forward to finally dating. I had an incredible future ahead of me in terms of the things that I had always wanted. I was successful and capable. I felt like I had a purpose and that I belonged. I naively hoped that I had turned my life around.

Of course, after just a few months, it was back to my usual misery. The utter futility of my efforts finally dawned on me at a celebratory party for a hard-earned success. Distantly, I knew that I was supposed to be enjoying the fine dining and the conversation with people I admired, but all I felt was a profound emptiness. To drag out the overused but useful cliche, it was like all the color had been drained from the world, and all that remained were memories of how it looked in color.

I really can't overstate the despair I felt right then. I had finally been given the chance I had always wished for, and it wasn't enough.


So, I am fundamentally incapable of happiness. There is nothing I can do and no life I could live that would prove otherwise. There are things I regret, sure, but they're not game changing.

I relate totally to this. Sad.