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T

tabletop

Member
Joined
Oct 8, 2019
Messages
54
I actually want to be locked up permanently is a psych ward or mental hospital. I've been to a psych ward before. Twice. One to two weeks each time. But with just depression and suicidal thoughts there seems to be no way they would keep me forever.

I just dont trust mtself to run my own life or take care of myself anymore.

I guess I am just venting. But also hopelessly hoping there is a way i could be locked up safely and taken care of dor the rest of my natural life.

:'(

I super hate adulting.

Im in the US in case anyone is wondering.
 
Graf von Leiningen

Graf von Leiningen

Losing the plot
Joined
Apr 28, 2021
Messages
845
I am not condoning any kind of violence, but you ought to take a look at the life of French mathematician André Bloch:
"Bloch killed three of his family members, for which he was institutionalized in a mental asylum for 31 years, during which all of his mathematical output was produced."
 
J

JustLosingMyself

Mage
Joined
Sep 4, 2018
Messages
548
... sign up for the army...
You'll be told what to do most of your days every day
 
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T

timf

Arcanist
Joined
Mar 26, 2020
Messages
470
40 years ago in a major metropolitan area of 3 million there were only 19 psychiatric beds available, so even though many people wanted to be institutionalized, few were accepted. The alternative is to be rich and pay for private care.

When problems seem insurmountable, one can desire to be "taken care of". However, as one tackles and solves problems (starting with the small ones first), confidence is built and there can be sustaining satisfaction in the control over ones life one is able to achieve.

Some sail through life with this confidence as if they have never faced a single problem. Others of us have to scratch and claw our way past many problems. I think that the difficult path is more rewarding because one appreciates what is gained more than those who never face any challenges.
 
hotelbeneathground

hotelbeneathground

gay
Joined
Apr 13, 2021
Messages
3,532
Schöngeist said:
I am not condoning any kind of violence, but you ought to take a look at the life of French mathematician André Bloch
@tabletop is from the US, they wouldn't end up in a nice mental asylum. This Bloch person, who killed his brother, aunt and uncle "in order to eliminate branches of his family affected by mental illness", obviously had friends in very high places. I bet he didn't even think he was mentally ill, since he didn't attempt to eliminate his own crazy ass. What a wonderful world...
 
Graf von Leiningen

Graf von Leiningen

Losing the plot
Joined
Apr 28, 2021
Messages
845
hotelbeneathground said:
This Bloch person, who killed his brother, aunt and uncle "in order to eliminate branches of his family affected by mental illness", obviously had friends in very high places.
The judicial system works in mysterious ways...
 
W

whywere

Enlightened
Joined
Jun 26, 2020
Messages
1,318
I am also in the U.S. and I too have had the "fun" of been locked up after a attempt and I HATED it. Feet off the floor from 10:30p.m. till 6 a.m. Take these drugs or else and when I questioned everything, I was sent in front of a judge to see about getting locked up for at least 6 months. fought that aspect and won, thank heavens. At least for me it does not matter what one has, does..etc..one will always have struggles in this life. Heavens I know I do! With that aspect said I would NOT ever want to get locked up again and be yelled at to get my feet off the floor after 10:30p.m. and have almost every aspect of my life watched over and scrutinized. Now with all of that said, I truly believe that everyone should be able to do as they wish, so if for you it makes sense and makes you happy why not? Walter
 
T

tabletop

Member
Joined
Oct 8, 2019
Messages
54
whywere said:
I am also in the U.S. and I too have had the "fun" of been locked up after a attempt and I HATED it. Feet off the floor from 10:30p.m. till 6 a.m. Take these drugs or else and when I questioned everything, I was sent in front of a judge to see about getting locked up for at least 6 months. fought that aspect and won, thank heavens. At least for me it does not matter what one has, does..etc..one will always have struggles in this life. Heavens I know I do! With that aspect said I would NOT ever want to get locked up again and be yelled at to get my feet off the floor after 10:30p.m. and have almost every aspect of my life watched over and scrutinized. Now with all of that said, I truly believe that everyone should be able to do as they wish, so if for you it makes sense and makes you happy why not? Walter
Yeah I hear you there. I was fortunate to have a nice staff where I was.
 
Alwaysbadtime

Alwaysbadtime

Enlightened
Joined
Jun 28, 2021
Messages
1,179
Won't you be so fucking bored? Or grossed out by others there?
 
T

tabletop

Member
Joined
Oct 8, 2019
Messages
54
timf said:
40 years ago in a major metropolitan area of 3 million there were only 19 psychiatric beds available, so even though many people wanted to be institutionalized, few were accepted. The alternative is to be rich and pay for private care.

When problems seem insurmountable, one can desire to be "taken care of". However, as one tackles and solves problems (starting with the small ones first), confidence is built and there can be sustaining satisfaction in the control over ones life one is able to achieve.

Some sail through life with this confidence as if they have never faced a single problem. Others of us have to scratch and claw our way past many problems. I think that the difficult path is more rewarding because one appreciates what is gained more than those who never face any challenges.
Well worded. Yeah, to be taken care of is frankly EXACTLY what I want. I know it's not realistic though. I saw one website for inpatient depression care. It only said the cost for the first month. 69k
Alwaysbadtime said:
Won't you be so fucking bored? Or grossed out by others there?
I did get pretty bored. However there was always others there who could carry on conversations. And do puzzles. Even that got boring.
And I know that wouldn't cure my depression or anxiety. But it's a trade off. To be able to trade off freedom and in exchange I feel safe AND lose the stresses of everyday life. Adulting like rent and car insurance and job making sure I renew my car registration in time. And actually doing my taxes. I hate all that stuff so much. Plus I've practiced CTB attempts in the past. My current episode of depression isn't to that point yet but I'm scared it will be and I feel scared of my future self. I want to lose that fear so bad!
I never did get grossed out by anyone there. If I did i would just go to my room (in this fantasy ward that would keep me for life). Where I was in Kentucky we had private rooms.

I was in there twice in a months time. Each time there was at least one friendly person there admitted who engaged me in conversation and socialization. Made me feel welcome and good that others wanted to interact with me.

But yeah I get it. It's odd for one to be in one of those places. GOSH YES IT'S SO BORING!!! My second stay I paced for hours in the hall. And yeah even everyone else in there mostly seemed to hate it in there and would express it.

And everything in there from the door handles to the toilets are designed in a way that no sort of ligature could ever be hung from them. Cameras everywhere but in the rooms. And being checked on every 15 minutes. I actually felt safe!!! For the short time it was. Under 2 weeks each time. I often didn't want to do the activities they made us to. But it was only a few hours a day if that. Wasn't that bad. They didn't even always make us.
 
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T

tabletop

Member
Joined
Oct 8, 2019
Messages
54
I'm not depressed constantly either. Almost feels like it though. My episodes are about a year on a year off, but that also varies a lot. Sometimes in between episodes of bad depression i feel great for up to a year. Super great. But not always. Sometimes between bad episodes I don't really even come out of depression. I'm just much less depressed. But still good enough to be active camping and kayaking and drive thru safaris and meeting dates from dating apps.

And I KNOW KNOW KNOW that if this psych ward fantasy were a realistic option....I know that if and when I did ever feel better I would feel regret for agreeing to sign my freedom away for life. But in my current state of mind if in a place it were realistically possible with an experience equal to what I was fortunate to have compared to others.....then yes. I'd sign away my freedom for that trade any day. I justify it in my head by saying that if and when I was in there I ever felt better and regretted locking myself away I could cope by telling myself that it's best for me and I won't feel good forever and I'll be suicidal again in a year or less so I should be locked up cause that's what is best for me.

As I type all this I do think more, ok this is kinda a sucky fantasy. If I insist on having a fantasy why don't I have a better fantasy? I guess this one somehow realistic even though I know it's not. Or maybe I just am unable to imagine a life outside of such care where I could actually feel better than in that care.

I absolutely hate hate HATE feeling suicidal. It's the worst feeling ever to me. I'm only struggling with suicidal ideation right now. But my history shows I'll struggle with intent again. And when I do it lasts WAYYYYY longer that a couple weeks or so. Way longer that any hospital would ever keep me. They actually kinda pressured me through encouragement to reword my suicidal thoughts in a way to justify discharging me. As many others have said they feel just as suicidal leaving those short stays as they felt coming it. I'd need to be there for life for it to serve it's purpose of keeping me safe.

I have 2 items I could use for a successful painless suicide which I over a month ago asked a couple of friends to told onto for me. A firearm and a tank of gas I use for welding. I don't use it for work. Just for hobby. I work in factories and they don't even use portable gas tanks. Some still do. But most have massive tanks installed outside and pipe that crap into their buildings weld departments.

Even passing those things off I don't feel safe enough from my future self! What if I struggle with intent again! What if I practice attempts again or make an actual attempt for the first time! Outside of such care it's really impossible to remove all possible methods. Or what if I started drinking again while struggling with intent and practiced a method and got it right. I COULD KILL MYSELF!

Even if I had billions of dollars to create myself any life anywhere I desired....I would just end up pre-paying an inpatient depression facility to care for me the rest of my natural life. That feeling of safety couldn't be replaced outside of such care.

When I struggle with intent I don't even actually want to kill myself. Don't get me wrong. At those times I also don't want to keep living. I am scared of killing myself. I guess I fear suicide more than life but man it's a close one between those two lol.

Thanks for the replies everyone. Sorry I typed so dang much. I tend to ramble. I feel crazy, I think I sound crazy to others. I'm almost positive that normal people think I'm crazy if I truly express feelings like these around them.
 
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