Anarchy

Anarchy

Invisible anarchist
Jul 9, 2018
384
I'm rarely ever alone in the house, and then when I am, I want to fully appreciate that time and just relax for a bit while there's no-one there to make me feel uncomfortable. Like, I'll realise that it's a great opportunity to grab a knife and stab myself to death, or to walk to the tracks, but instead, I suddenly think, let's have a bath! Or, let's just take this time to eat as much crap as you want with no-one there to notice! And then, when I finally feel ready to go through with it, someone returns, and I'm not home alone anymore.

But I doubt that I could just do it straight away. I mean, I can't predict when they go out, so the only time I have to mentally prepare is when they've actually gone out. And there's never enough time to appreciate the alone time and to attempt. I just really want to be left alone for a whole day, and know what time they'll return at, so that I could manage my time better. But saying that, I'm shit at managing my time and sticking to a plan. I just do what I want when I want.

That's part of the reason why I really want to move out. I can't stand my parents, but I also want to move out to have more freedom. If I lived alone, I wouldn't have this problem. I wouldn't have an awkward window of time in which I could attempt. I could attempt whenever the hell I felt like it. I wouldn't have to worry about being found. I wouldn't even need to use the train; I could just stab myself to death and by the time anyone found me, my body would have decayed. Then, even without a train, they wouldn't be able to examine my body properly. Train's still better for that, but I think I'd rather bleed to death. I like the idea of a slow-ish death where you have time to reflect.
But, I have to wait a year and a half to move out.
My best bet would be to try to remain in a prepared state of mind all of the time, so that I could just do it as soon as I'm left alone, but it's exhausting to try to be prepared all the time.
Sometimes, I'll have spent most of the time alone relaxing, but there'll still be time for me to attempt. But then I won't do it, because I worry that my parents would return as soon as I left the house.
I sometimes want my parents to come back so I can use that as an excuse to myself of why I didn't attempt.
I just want to live alone.
 
Anarchy

Anarchy

Invisible anarchist
Jul 9, 2018
384
Yup, tried running away. I stupidly ran away along the coast and got trapped by the tide; ended up getting hypothermia and spending a week in hospital on IV fluids. To be fair, it was a very stupid plan. I'd have had more luck following the road, but I had this insane notion it would be better to walk by the sea because I could drown myself if caught. I now know that I would not like to drown.
I've thought of running away by getting a train away from home, but I thought, might as well just get myself hit by that train. I'd be so paranoid about being caught, and I'd be in public all the time, which would make it hard to attempt. I'd probably get seen just wamdering aimlessly around and get caught.
I would like to run away, but I'd have nowhere to go.