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CyanideSoup

CyanideSoup

Memento mori
Joined
Oct 1, 2019
Messages
463
The past few months have been extremely difficult and all I've wanted to do is give up. But I am determined to prove everyone around me wrong, especially my ex and my dad. They both believe I will never get better, that I am a lost cause and a ticking time bomb. And even though I think those things too, I wont let them be right about me and if I'm anything, I'm stubborn. I have come to terms with the fact that the UK mental health system is a piece of shit and that if I really want to do this I need to be proactive.

I paid for a private ADHD assessment with PsychiatryUK, and it was such a quick and easy process compared to the NHS. The doctor was so lovely and helpful. And unlike every NHS doctor I have seen, she didn't make me feel like a burden when she diagnosed me. Honestly the lack of reluctance almost made think she rushed it, but then I realized it shouldn't take 10 years to receive help. So a week ago I started a stimulant called Elvanse (Vyvanse in America) . I haven't felt any effect so far, but I'm hoping as the dose is upped I will start to feel more focused. But even just having the diagnosis has helped me understand myself and my brain a lot more. Its given me a small bit of hope. The doctor also seems to believe that once my ADHD is under control, it'll be a lot easier for me to manage my BPD which is promising!

I have been referred to a support charity to help with my anxiety and get out of the house more and feel like I'm doing something more than just staring at the same 4 walls all the time. They apparently also help people get back out into the world and can help with getting education and training so I could potentially start working in the future. I never even started my GCSEs and have felt held back by that for years. Knowing that I have the opportunity to go somewhere is such a relief. It has made thinking about what kind of future I would want a possibility again. I know I want to help others with mental health issues and disabilities. Hopefully one day I will.

I am taking steps towards beating my gambling problem and managing my impulsivity with money and have cut that spending in half so far. I'm still around 2 years away from DBT which is frustrating because my BPD is the biggest issue for me and I don't really have any idea how to manage my behaviors. But I bought myself a DBT workbook to work on in the meantime and I hope it will make things a little easier. I had a really bad episode a few days ago. I couldn't stop crying and all I wanted to do was die. Everything felt like it was falling apart again. But instead of giving in, I forced myself to do something productive instead and deep cleaned my kitchen at 4am. I hadn't cleaned my kitchen in months, it was awful and I hated every minute of it. But it stopped me from hurting myself, and it stopped me from proving those people around me right. And when I had finally finished I felt proud of myself for doing something I had put off for so long. I know its unrealistic to expect myself to do that every time (I'm going to run out of rooms to clean at some point) But I think its more about knowing I will have these dips because its part of my BPD, and being able to ride it out. Even just getting through one small dip is a huge step for me.

The biggest challenge for me has been trying to look after myself again. Getting back into a routine of getting up at a normal time, showering and brushing my teeth, getting dressed and trying to break the pattern of disordered eating and suicidal incidents. But I'm getting there. And I'm hoping that if I continue to try and prove everyone wrong, maybe I can prove myself wrong too.
 
WornOutLife

WornOutLife

マット
Joined
Mar 22, 2020
Messages
7,333
Well, no matter the reasons, I'm glad you want to recover!

I'm trying to do it too! Things have improved a lot for me but I will always be suicidal and might ctb impulsively some random day.

Anyway, we gotta try out all the options!

Hugs,

Matt
 
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Celerity

Celerity

Enlightened
Joined
Jan 24, 2021
Messages
1,344
Good for you - and fuck ‘em, especially your dad. What an asshole.
 
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LetMeGoNow

LetMeGoNow

Member
Joined
Jun 23, 2021
Messages
21
CyanideSoup said:
The past few months have been extremely difficult and all I've wanted to do is give up. But I am determined to prove everyone around me wrong, especially my ex and my dad. They both believe I will never get better, that I am a lost cause and a ticking time bomb. And even though I think those things too, I wont let them be right about me and if I'm anything, I'm stubborn. I have come to terms with the fact that the UK mental health system is a piece of shit and that if I really want to do this I need to be proactive.

I paid for a private ADHD assessment with PsychiatryUK, and it was such a quick and easy process compared to the NHS. The doctor was so lovely and helpful. And unlike every NHS doctor I have seen, she didn't make me feel like a burden when she diagnosed me. Honestly the lack of reluctance almost made think she rushed it, but then I realized it shouldn't take 10 years to receive help. So a week ago I started a stimulant called Elvanse (Vyvanse in America) . I haven't felt any effect so far, but I'm hoping as the dose is upped I will start to feel more focused. But even just having the diagnosis has helped me understand myself and my brain a lot more. Its given me a small bit of hope. The doctor also seems to believe that once my ADHD is under control, it'll be a lot easier for me to manage my BPD which is promising!

I have been referred to a support charity to help with my anxiety and get out of the house more and feel like I'm doing something more than just staring at the same 4 walls all the time. They apparently also help people get back out into the world and can help with getting education and training so I could potentially start working in the future. I never even started my GCSEs and have felt held back by that for years. Knowing that I have the opportunity to go somewhere is such a relief. It has made thinking about what kind of future I would want a possibility again. I know I want to help others with mental health issues and disabilities. Hopefully one day I will.

I am taking steps towards beating my gambling problem and managing my impulsivity with money and have cut that spending in half so far. I'm still around 2 years away from DBT which is frustrating because my BPD is the biggest issue for me and I don't really have any idea how to manage my behaviors. But I bought myself a DBT workbook to work on in the meantime and I hope it will make things a little easier. I had a really bad episode a few days ago. I couldn't stop crying and all I wanted to do was die. Everything felt like it was falling apart again. But instead of giving in, I forced myself to do something productive instead and deep cleaned my kitchen at 4am. I hadn't cleaned my kitchen in months, it was awful and I hated every minute of it. But it stopped me from hurting myself, and it stopped me from proving those people around me right. And when I had finally finished I felt proud of myself for doing something I had put off for so long. I know its unrealistic to expect myself to do that every time (I'm going to run out of rooms to clean at some point) But I think its more about knowing I will have these dips because its part of my BPD, and being able to ride it out. Even just getting through one small dip is a huge step for me.

The biggest challenge for me has been trying to look after myself again. Getting back into a routine of getting up at a normal time, showering and brushing my teeth, getting dressed and trying to break the pattern of disordered eating and suicidal incidents. But I'm getting there. And I'm hoping that if I continue to try and prove everyone wrong, maybe I can prove myself wrong too.
Am a bit late but i hope things have worked out for you so far, definetly keep going! Your words alone inspired me to actually become more active again and to try harder. I want to help others with mental health issues too, so it's great to see someone who shares the same goal. :)
Prove them all wrong, you can do it!
 
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