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anthomaniac

anthomaniac

Member
Joined
Oct 10, 2018
Messages
40
So i've been part of this community for a few years back and though i stopped visiting the site because i got better i always come back because i feel like this is the only place where i can speak freely and not hurt anyone i care about.

I am loosing my goddamned mind.

I'll put you in context. i am a young trans man living in a third world country that's been under a dictatorship for around 21 years or more, i've lived my whole life without knowing what truly freedom and comforts of life is. And i have been fighting to get outside of this hell hole ever since i was around 13 years old, i've protested, i've fought and all my friends and i got was bullets and beatings from the police, i've marched with thousands of people to try to fight for our future and all the answers we got was more oppression, so i grew tired, i grew so tired i got depressed because living in this country is just a constant reminders that things will never get better. And if living with depression is constantly having your mind remind you of that, imagine how fucking shitty it is to live in a place that's the PHYSICAL reminder that things, in fact, won't get bet better; not tomorrow, not in a month, not in a year, not never. I have already accepted that if there is a God or a bigger influence, they surely cursed my country (and many others, ngl) and they forgot about it. Living in my country means not having hope for anything, and let me tell you how that fucks you up even when you've never been the kind of people that believes in hope.

And even then, i'm still trying to push out of everything and save up to pack my bags and run. I've been scraping money like crazy, but with a minimun wage of 2$ and a sky rocketing inflation it's maybe being able to afford food or ''save up'', which seems ridiculous because i'd have to save up my whole life to get a decent amount of money and at least escape by land.

And as if the whole situation isn't enough, being transgender in a thirdworld SUCKS, everything is fine until the police humilliates you in a public space just because your face doesn't matches your ID and since they dont' have even two braincells to make the connection, they still prefer to humilliate you instead of asking, and don't you dare tell them anything about gender identity and diversity, it'll just get you a beating.

I've been trying and trying and trying but HONESTLY? Sometimes i just wish i could kill myself eventually, death is a preferable alternative to this living hell, to seeing everyday the same darkened sky, the same bad news, the same closed border and lack of hope.

Every day that passes i loose more my mind, the stress, the debts, the bills, not having money, not being able to find a good paying job, not knowing what the fuck can happen to me next time i go out to the streets. I just want to pack my bags and run but if i can't even feed myself how the fuck would i get enough to at least get to the border?

if there's a way out of this, i'm begging God to show it to me because everyday it just gets more and more darker.
 
raindrops

raindrops

Experienced
Joined
Mar 29, 2020
Messages
290
I have no words.
Where are you from?
If I tried to relate I would be an ass because I just can't.
All I can say is keep in mind that you can leave that place, I mean I can relate to the money situation, my job will not allow me to live alone and saving is non existent.

Unfortunately I'd love to do air stewarding, or even work on cruise ships, which would allow you to have accommodation and a job at the same time, plus a visa through the job, so once you have saved enough you can settle down somewhere you'd rather be. I know what I'm saying sounds stupid or a dream but there are these types of jobs out there, which actually are not so hard to obtain, as long as your record is clean and you're free to travel, it is perfect, plus speaking another language is great in those jobs.


Seriously I feel like what I have just said sounds ridiculous, I'm just imagining it as an option. Those types of employers employ anyone from around the world and not only that they supply the things you need to get around the world. It sounds like you need crazy ass qualifications, you really don't.
I'm sorry if I sound unrealistic, this covid situation doesn't help looking for jobs in other countries.
And I know it all boils down to money.
I really have no words, it's like I just want to keep going on about getting a job in another country, that's why I said cruise ships.
Ugh. I'm sorry. I know you can't change that place you're in single handily, governments disgust me and I could not imagine what you're going through. Ah damn I feel like I'm digging a hole for myself here. Maybe I'm naïve, I think anything is possible, you're saving as much as you can already, right. I just believe you can do whatever you put your mind too, ah fuck I'm sorry, I'm trying to pick my words here, you're fucking strong I know that much.
 
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◄✵火✵〇°Ø•WÅR•Ī°〇✵火✵►

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Joined
Feb 22, 2021
Messages
195
I'm sorry for everything you've been through. I just want to say, I find you very brave for standing up and fighting for freedom, comfort and a better future, not just for yourself but for your peers as well. You are truly admirable. I wish for you that the way will be shown to you and clear and you find what you're looking for. Stay strong.
Take care.
 
anthomaniac

anthomaniac

Member
Joined
Oct 10, 2018
Messages
40
raindrops said:
I have no words.
Where are you from?
If I tried to relate I would be an ass because I just can't.
All I can say is keep in mind that you can leave that place, I mean I can relate to the money situation, my job will not allow me to live alone and saving is non existent.

Unfortunately I'd love to do air stewarding, or even work on cruise ships, which would allow you to have accommodation and a job at the same time, plus a visa through the job, so once you have saved enough you can settle down somewhere you'd rather be. I know what I'm saying sounds stupid or a dream but there are these types of jobs out there, which actually are not so hard to obtain, as long as your record is clean and you're free to travel, it is perfect, plus speaking another language is great in those jobs.


Seriously I feel like what I have just said sounds ridiculous, I'm just imagining it as an option. Those types of employers employ anyone from around the world and not only that they supply the things you need to get around the world. It sounds like you need crazy ass qualifications, you really don't.
I'm sorry if I sound unrealistic, this covid situation doesn't help looking for jobs in other countries.
And I know it all boils down to money.
I really have no words, it's like I just want to keep going on about getting a job in another country, that's why I said cruise ships.
Ugh. I'm sorry. I know you can't change that place you're in single handily, governments disgust me and I could not imagine what you're going through. Ah damn I feel like I'm digging a hole for myself here. Maybe I'm naïve, I think anything is possible, you're saving as much as you can already, right. I just believe you can do whatever you put your mind too, ah fuck I'm sorry, I'm trying to pick my words here, you're fucking strong I know that much.
I am from Venezuela, you might have heard about it, our situation is not unknown to the world, but most people prefer to put a blind eye to it, and sadly my country it's not the only one that suffers in silence.

I really appreciate your words, i appreciate that someone even took the time to read my venting, after all i feel like we're all here to support each other in some way. Air stewarding sounds great but to do that here you need a permit only given by the government, i live very close by an international airport here so i've considered that option, but the main problem (aside from the permit) is my identity, they don't hire transgender people, not unless i get my birthname and sex changed which is still illegal to do here, so it's a deadend for that. i try to work online too but my country has the slowest internet connection in all the american continent, not to mention there are constant energy blackouts so it's nothing stable, i'm still trying to see if i manage to find something, anything at all that pays me even 10 bucks is worth it.

Thank you for your words, i really appreciate them <3
 

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