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Aug 18, 2020
I don't kow why but I have these words in my mind. I think I have heard them in rap. Could be wrong though. (not exactly these words). Souns funny still.
The day was very mediocre in college. I wasted time with unnecessary stuff. Though due to the fact I study way too much it is probably not a huge issue.

I only study part-time because I am too fragile for full-time. Moreover I am quite old for the semester I am in. The reason is I had extreme mental torment the last years and my brain prevented me from anything productive instead it tortured me.

Today I have met people who now are way more advanced in their studies than me. And I am in courses they had a long time ago. I feel so fucking ashamed. At least I can share it here and with my friends. It is embarrassing. I only study part-time and still I study maybe more like people who study full-time. This is so embarrassing.

My mind is just too sick/ill. I have huge problems bipolar, psychosis and severe OCD. Especially the OCD prevents me from studying full-time. I need to understand the subject very in-depth. I am not that smart so I invest a lot of time in it. My grades are so far very good but I am such a fraud.

However to defend myself I think most people who are as ill as me would never even consider to work and just give up. I have huge doubts whether I will ever be able to hold a job. But I am desperately trying to get a stable income. If I fail I will ctb which is not unlikely.

Today someone teased me for my age. It is hard to say what he exactly told me because you had to understand the context. It was cheeky and I am really sensitive on this topic. I am so obsessed what other people think about me.

My reaction was to brag with my (alleged) high intelligence and knowledge in that course. I think I have impressed some people. I tried to show that guy that I am smarter than him. I don't know the whole thing is pathetic. I just should have ignored that comment and forget it but I could not. Such a reaction is deeply rooted in my brain. I was bullied and abused for being obese/ being not smart enough.

I am just a fraud. I study a lot to impress people. It is shallow and pathetic. I am obsessed and neurotic nothing else. The worst thing is when people see through my charade. I am good in deceiving people. I can make people think I was extraordinary smart which I am probably not. There was a guy who sat next to me during that course. Close to the guy who mocked me. The former guy (not the one who mocked me) is the smartest person I have met so far in college. This dude is extraordinary smart. Even my best friend in college who is extremely smart was astonished by him. They both are in a completely different dimension. I had the feeling (maybe that is paranoid) he saw through my fraudulence.

It was similar to the physics professor I have met. People who are really extraordinary smart see through my pathetic charade very fastly. They see how superficial my knowledge is and how needy I am for admiration or at least acknowledgment.

Maybe I should explain the title now. I often have the feeling in college I am probably the illest person in the room. I am proud that I sometimes can hide it. But sometimes I am too awkward. I have so many comorbidities. I am so fucking sick (and ill lol). So many of my behaviors are pathological. Though I might have the bias too overestimate that. I pathologize and overinterpret things sometimes.

However I think there are people who are similar as ill as me in this forum. (there is no competition). Which is nothing to feel ashamed about. We don't deserve such a pain. Most people who have caused this wreck like brain have better lives than me. Many were not punished and my mind is like a prison for me.

I feel pathetic and like a fraud. The whole shit is so messed up. I wish one could restart with a new a brain. Sadly there is so much injustice in this world


I'm pro CHOICE. Don't start on me. PLEASE
Aug 28, 2022
You're not a fraud! You deserve your success ❤️ well done with your amazing progress in your studies! ❤️

Try never to let what other people say affect you negatively. What do they know? Why are they so important that you should care?

You're not pathetic in the slightest, or a fraud, just ill! But clearly capable. Congratulations my friend! I wish I could have done well in my studies!❤️
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