• Hey Visitor,

    In light of recent events, all community members in the US should reach out to their representative in regards to the Stop Online Suicide Assistance Forums Act that has been introduced in congress. This bill, if passed, could criminalize this community and hold it liable for simply hosting information.

    You should be able to locate and contact your represenative by going to this website. You can also contact Lori Trahan, the one spearheading this bill by calling her office at (202) 225-3411 or by leaving a message on the contact form on her site.

    One of the best ways to combat this is to make your voice heard. We're not political activists, but we made this notice to let you know that you do have a voice and that you do have representives that represent you in congress.
N

noname223

Illuminated
Aug 18, 2020
3,063
I don't kow why but I have these words in my mind. I think I have heard them in rap. Could be wrong though. (not exactly these words). Souns funny still.
The day was very mediocre in college. I wasted time with unnecessary stuff. Though due to the fact I study way too much it is probably not a huge issue.

I only study part-time because I am too fragile for full-time. Moreover I am quite old for the semester I am in. The reason is I had extreme mental torment the last years and my brain prevented me from anything productive instead it tortured me.

Today I have met people who now are way more advanced in their studies than me. And I am in courses they had a long time ago. I feel so fucking ashamed. At least I can share it here and with my friends. It is embarrassing. I only study part-time and still I study maybe more like people who study full-time. This is so embarrassing.

My mind is just too sick/ill. I have huge problems bipolar, psychosis and severe OCD. Especially the OCD prevents me from studying full-time. I need to understand the subject very in-depth. I am not that smart so I invest a lot of time in it. My grades are so far very good but I am such a fraud.

However to defend myself I think most people who are as ill as me would never even consider to work and just give up. I have huge doubts whether I will ever be able to hold a job. But I am desperately trying to get a stable income. If I fail I will ctb which is not unlikely.

Today someone teased me for my age. It is hard to say what he exactly told me because you had to understand the context. It was cheeky and I am really sensitive on this topic. I am so obsessed what other people think about me.

My reaction was to brag with my (alleged) high intelligence and knowledge in that course. I think I have impressed some people. I tried to show that guy that I am smarter than him. I don't know the whole thing is pathetic. I just should have ignored that comment and forget it but I could not. Such a reaction is deeply rooted in my brain. I was bullied and abused for being obese/ being not smart enough.

I am just a fraud. I study a lot to impress people. It is shallow and pathetic. I am obsessed and neurotic nothing else. The worst thing is when people see through my charade. I am good in deceiving people. I can make people think I was extraordinary smart which I am probably not. There was a guy who sat next to me during that course. Close to the guy who mocked me. The former guy (not the one who mocked me) is the smartest person I have met so far in college. This dude is extraordinary smart. Even my best friend in college who is extremely smart was astonished by him. They both are in a completely different dimension. I had the feeling (maybe that is paranoid) he saw through my fraudulence.

It was similar to the physics professor I have met. People who are really extraordinary smart see through my pathetic charade very fastly. They see how superficial my knowledge is and how needy I am for admiration or at least acknowledgment.

Maybe I should explain the title now. I often have the feeling in college I am probably the illest person in the room. I am proud that I sometimes can hide it. But sometimes I am too awkward. I have so many comorbidities. I am so fucking sick (and ill lol). So many of my behaviors are pathological. Though I might have the bias too overestimate that. I pathologize and overinterpret things sometimes.

However I think there are people who are similar as ill as me in this forum. (there is no competition). Which is nothing to feel ashamed about. We don't deserve such a pain. Most people who have caused this wreck like brain have better lives than me. Many were not punished and my mind is like a prison for me.

I feel pathetic and like a fraud. The whole shit is so messed up. I wish one could restart with a new a brain. Sadly there is so much injustice in this world
 
jodes2

jodes2

I'm pro CHOICE. Don't start on me. PLEASE
Aug 28, 2022
4,180
You're not a fraud! You deserve your success ❤️ well done with your amazing progress in your studies! ❤️

Try never to let what other people say affect you negatively. What do they know? Why are they so important that you should care?

You're not pathetic in the slightest, or a fraud, just ill! But clearly capable. Congratulations my friend! I wish I could have done well in my studies!❤️
 
  • Love
Reactions: noname223