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Not-Ok-Ellen

Member
Jun 23, 2022
5
Trigger Warning- mentions Sexual Assault

So I introduced myself here today, but in my heart and head I know I am ready to CTB.

It has been too many years of hanging on for the sake of others, and I’ve had enough.

I obviously want my death to be painless, and OD is my preferred method, I can access a large combination of drugs lethal for suicide.

This last few months have been hell starting with last summer when I was sexually assaulted by a fellow dog walker in a public park. We’re not talking a serious sexual assault but one that still had a knock on effect on me. The police failed to do anything they made many mistakes including closing the case without telling me, and basically left me to deal with it on my own.

Months on and my MH just went down hill, I reached breaking point and did something I won’t apologise for and don’t regret, this time I’m arrested and have been charged with criminal damage and I’m due to appear in court next month. Although there are many reasons this might not reach court due to police errors when I was arrested.

I want to CTB, but more so I want all those people who have let me down in recent years know I hate them. I blame the MH team for refusing referral after referral because I was too high functioning, the police for not dealing with the crime I reported last year, massive failures from them.

Part of me just wants to disappear, CTB and never be found.

I’m at the point of sorting through my personal belongings, donating much of it to the charity shop, and throwing it, trying to make it as easy as possible for my dad who will have to deal with the aftermath, but there truly is no purpose for me to keep living. I’m tired and want peace.
 
FuneralCry

FuneralCry

She dreams of eternal sleep
Sep 24, 2020
12,336
It sounds really awful what you have been through and I’m sorry that it has come to this point for you. It is such an unfair life and it is terrible the way that some people treat others. I hope that you find relief from your suffering.
 
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waitingforrest

Wizard
Dec 27, 2021
692
That's awful. You must been tired for so long, having to live day by day. I want to dissapear as well, like there is something wrong with me, like I'm disgusting. Some events are horrible and things won't ever go back to normal. I'm sorry that you have to go through all of this, it must be very lonely.

It's cruel that no one helped you.
you endured so much, I hope you find peace and rest from all the pain you carry.
 
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Not-Ok-Ellen

Member
Jun 23, 2022
5
Thank you both, I just want to distance myself from everyone, I always said I should live in the middle of nowhere, on my own.