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Insomniac

Insomniac

𝔄 𝔲 𝔱 𝔦 𝔰 𝔪
May 21, 2021
679
about 8 weeks ago, I severely beat my dad while he was drunk. He showed up at our house completely drunk and that was it for me.i was going to kill him.

I threw everything I could get at him and took the broom and started violently hitting him and he fell and I continued and he was crying at some point. My sister heard us in the living room and she stormed in and tried to stop me. I aggressively pushed her away and continued kicking him and hitting him as hard as I could. I couldn't stop myself. I reached to the mosquito spray and sprayed the whole bottle on him. I think I was trying to poison him. At some point I tried to reach to burning hot water to throw on him.

My dad was still crying on the floor completely drunk when my sister decided to shield him with her body. It didn't stop me. Neighbors had to intervene (they heard the cries and the screams). Even after they forcefully locked me in my room, I continued banging at the door in rage for like two hours.

my dad has always been an extreme alcoholic and I spent my life forced to interact with him and his sexual negligence (he'd walk around naked from being too drunk and physically abuse me). I felt deeply disturbed and scared and now these feelings were no longer manifesting in the form of helplessness but in the form of a frightening rage. only someone who had a drug addict for parent can understand this level of desperation.

I had previously stopped answering my dad's calls and did my best to avoid him for exactly this reason: I knew seeing him drunk would trigger this kind of reaction from me. He would beg my sister to talk to me over the phone. He is in his 60s and afraid of aging alone uncared for and this is why he kept harassing me to visit him and answer his calls. He doesn't have any friend because of the kind of person he is and his family doesn't want anything to do with him. My mom abandoned him too.

I didn't feel bad about what I did even after I calmed down. Even after taking 5 alpraz I was still fuming. I had told my sister multiple times to warn him that I didn't have control of the rage I felt towards him, everyone was aware of my rage. I spent my life protecting my sister from him so she wasn't close to my dad at all. She was only upset because she said I could get in serious trouble. Same for the neighbours who stopped me, they all said they didn't care about my dad and only intervened for my sake.

My psychiatrist knew about my feelings towards my dad because I frequently discussed it with him. It's far from being a secret and most people who know me know how I feel towards my dad. He (the psychiatrist) gave me some clonazepam and alpraz to calm me down. I asked him to give them to my sister so that she could control my intakes and he said no. he said that he trusted me not to do anything stupid. which was weird considering what I had already done..

After the event a few more neighbours stopped at our house to talk to me and ask me if I was okay. No one gave a shit about my dad. Goes to show that even the neighbours were aware of the nightmare he had put us through throughout all those years.

Anyway Idk why I suddenly felt like sharing this extremely dark arc of mine. It's a random story with no particular moral to the story. I guess don't show up drunk to your homicidal daughter's house? because she might really kill you.

the reason there's no moral is because I had absolutely lost control of myself, which is why I can't feel any guilt.

my dad is the only reason I'm have chronic suicidal ideations. I feel like one of us has to die and since I can't kill my dad for obvious reasons, I chose to be suicidal and eventually kill myself. I tried everything but I'm haunted every nights for the rest of my life with images of me coming home from school to my drunk father pissing and pooping on the floor, walking around naked, being physically coercive, lacking any sense of dignity, leaving trash and a foul smell everywhere in the house, yelling at my mother, not letting us sleep etc every single day for 18 years.
 
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G

Gsvko

Mea culpa.
Dec 14, 2021
43
If you're accepting advice, I'd say move tf out.
 
S

_Seeking

I'm only here for this moment
Dec 16, 2021
59
I'm sorry that you had to go through that, you had a really tough childhood dealing with that. From what you are describing from the environment you grew up in, it's understandable you would have so much rage. My father tries to goad me into reacting to him out of some sick game, I have learned it's best to ignore him as he hates no attention the most.
 
lostautist

lostautist

wandering
Jan 12, 2022
139
I also would move and try to avoid any potential situations that could lead to incarceration.
 
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Seiba

Seiba

Arcanist
Jun 13, 2021
407
If you're accepting advice, I'd say move tf out.
I also would move and try to avoid any potential situations that could lead to incarceration.
This is dependent on him having the economic situation to leave for one. From the sounds of the write up "showed up at our house" and asking him to visit him the father lives somewhere else. Moving out would do little if the father just shows up at the house he moves to. Regardless, this was a vent post and advice was not asked for.
 
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avoid_slow_death

avoid_slow_death

Ready to embrace the peaceful bliss of the void.
Feb 4, 2020
1,107
My dad too was an alcoholic. Sometimes a raging beast who would beat the shit out of me, but more often he would belittle my feelings and remind me of how he wished I was never born because he would have had a better life otherwise. So yeah, I definitely get it.

Growing up, always had thoughts of just beating his ass really good. But he is, well, was, a very physically imposing individual who could street brawl and althoughI can fight pretty well myself, he definitely outsized me in every way. Now that he is old and frail and lost his wife, (my mom, the most beautiful soul I have ever known,) I no longer want to. I just feel pity for him.

I do get why you did what you did though. Hate to sound like a jerk, but it sounds like his ass had it coming for a long time and definitely deserved it.

Just know you're not alone in these thoughts and actions. Besides myself, I am pretty damn sure there are others here who can relate similar experiences. It's a hellish existence having to live like that. Especially as a child. You have my sympathy and support. Hugs and love.
 
Shiv15

Shiv15

Student
Sep 3, 2020
197
D
about 8 weeks ago, I severely beat my dad while he was drunk. He showed up at our house completely drunk and that was it for me.i was going to kill him.

I threw everything I could get at him and took the broom and started violently hitting him and he fell and I continued and he was crying at some point. My sister heard us in the living room and she stormed in and tried to stop me. I aggressively pushed her away and continued kicking him and hitting him as hard as I could. I couldn't stop myself. I reached to the mosquito spray and sprayed the whole bottle on him. I think I was trying to poison him. At some point I tried to reach to burning hot water to throw on him.

My dad was still crying on the floor completely drunk when my sister decided to shield him with her body. It didn't stop me. Neighbors had to intervene (they heard the cries and the screams). Even after they forcefully locked me in my room, I continued banging at the door in rage for like two hours.

my dad has always been an extreme alcoholic and I spent my life forced to interact with him and his sexual negligence (he'd walk around naked from being too drunk and physically abuse me). I felt deeply disturbed and scared and now these feelings were no longer manifesting in the form of helplessness but in the form of a frightening rage. only someone who had a drug addict for parent can understand this level of desperation.

I had previously stopped answering my dad's calls and did my best to avoid him for exactly this reason: I knew seeing him drunk would trigger this kind of reaction from me. He would beg my sister to talk to me over the phone. He is in his 60s and afraid of aging alone uncared for and this is why he kept harassing me to visit him and answer his calls. He doesn't have any friend because of the kind of person he is and his family doesn't want anything to do with him. My mom abandoned him too.

I didn't feel bad about what I did even after I calmed down. Even after taking 5 alpraz I was still fuming. I had told my sister multiple times to warn him that I didn't have control of the rage I felt towards him, everyone was aware of my rage. I spent my life protecting my sister from him so she wasn't close to my dad at all. She was only upset because she said I could get in serious trouble. Same for the neighbours who stopped me, they all said they didn't care about my dad and only intervened for my sake.

My psychiatrist knew about my feelings towards my dad because I frequently discussed it with him. It's far from being a secret and most people who know me know how I feel towards my dad. He (the psychiatrist) gave me some clonazepam and alpraz to calm me down. I asked him to give them to my sister so that she could control my intakes and he said no. he said that he trusted me not to do anything stupid. which was weird considering what I had already done..

After the event a few more neighbours stopped at our house to talk to me and ask me if I was okay. No one gave a shit about my dad. Goes to show that even the neighbours were aware of the nightmare he had put us through throughout all those years.

Anyway Idk why I suddenly felt like sharing this extremely dark arc of mine. It's a random story with no particular moral to the story. I guess don't show up drunk to your homicidal daughter's house? because she might really kill you.

the reason there's no moral is because I had absolutely lost control of myself, which is why I can't feel any guilt.

my dad is the only reason I'm have chronic suicidal ideations. I feel like one of us has to die and since I can't kill my dad for obvious reasons, I chose to be suicidal and eventually kill myself. I tried everything but I'm haunted every nights for the rest of my life with images of me coming home from school to my drunk father pissing and pooping on the floor, walking around naked, being physically coercive, lacking any sense of dignity, leaving trash and a foul smell everywhere in the house, yelling at my mother, not letting us sleep etc every single day for 18 years.
Define physically abusive? I am unable to decide who I should back.
 
demuic

demuic

Life was a mistake
Sep 12, 2020
1,201
Many people would like to judge someone for having these feelings, but they don't know what it's like to be pushed to very edge. Anything can happen at that point, and ulimately the one who can be blamed is the one who pushed a human being to that point in the first place.

I felt deeply disturbed and scared and now these feelings were no longer manifesting in the form of helplessness but in the form of a frightening rage.
This is very poignant to me. All I can say is I relate. That sense of helplessness I despise so much, the rage is almost like a way to gain control.

Unfortunately in this twisted society we live in, authorities would prefer to persecute someone for enacting vengeance on someone who abused them than do anything to prevent that abuse in the first place.

I don't think you have anything to feel guilty for. I hope you are taking care of yourself.
 
threesummers

threesummers

Enlightened
Nov 4, 2020
1,529
Unfortunately in this twisted society we live in, authorities would prefer to persecute someone for enacting vengeance on someone who abused them than do anything to prevent that abuse in the first place.
Luckily, many of us plan on killing ourselves. If you time it right, there is definitely vengeance to be had. Just have to be 100% on the ctb part before you go down that road.
 
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blueclover_.

blueclover_.

Better Never to Have Been: 2006, David Benatar
Oct 11, 2021
640
about 8 weeks ago, I severely beat my dad while he was drunk. He showed up at our house completely drunk and that was it for me.i was going to kill him.

I threw everything I could get at him and took the broom and started violently hitting him and he fell and I continued and he was crying at some point. My sister heard us in the living room and she stormed in and tried to stop me. I aggressively pushed her away and continued kicking him and hitting him as hard as I could. I couldn't stop myself. I reached to the mosquito spray and sprayed the whole bottle on him. I think I was trying to poison him. At some point I tried to reach to burning hot water to throw on him.

My dad was still crying on the floor completely drunk when my sister decided to shield him with her body. It didn't stop me. Neighbors had to intervene (they heard the cries and the screams). Even after they forcefully locked me in my room, I continued banging at the door in rage for like two hours.

my dad has always been an extreme alcoholic and I spent my life forced to interact with him and his sexual negligence (he'd walk around naked from being too drunk and physically abuse me). I felt deeply disturbed and scared and now these feelings were no longer manifesting in the form of helplessness but in the form of a frightening rage. only someone who had a drug addict for parent can understand this level of desperation.

I had previously stopped answering my dad's calls and did my best to avoid him for exactly this reason: I knew seeing him drunk would trigger this kind of reaction from me. He would beg my sister to talk to me over the phone. He is in his 60s and afraid of aging alone uncared for and this is why he kept harassing me to visit him and answer his calls. He doesn't have any friend because of the kind of person he is and his family doesn't want anything to do with him. My mom abandoned him too.

I didn't feel bad about what I did even after I calmed down. Even after taking 5 alpraz I was still fuming. I had told my sister multiple times to warn him that I didn't have control of the rage I felt towards him, everyone was aware of my rage. I spent my life protecting my sister from him so she wasn't close to my dad at all. She was only upset because she said I could get in serious trouble. Same for the neighbours who stopped me, they all said they didn't care about my dad and only intervened for my sake.

My psychiatrist knew about my feelings towards my dad because I frequently discussed it with him. It's far from being a secret and most people who know me know how I feel towards my dad. He (the psychiatrist) gave me some clonazepam and alpraz to calm me down. I asked him to give them to my sister so that she could control my intakes and he said no. he said that he trusted me not to do anything stupid. which was weird considering what I had already done..

After the event a few more neighbours stopped at our house to talk to me and ask me if I was okay. No one gave a shit about my dad. Goes to show that even the neighbours were aware of the nightmare he had put us through throughout all those years.

Anyway Idk why I suddenly felt like sharing this extremely dark arc of mine. It's a random story with no particular moral to the story. I guess don't show up drunk to your homicidal daughter's house? because she might really kill you.

the reason there's no moral is because I had absolutely lost control of myself, which is why I can't feel any guilt.

my dad is the only reason I'm have chronic suicidal ideations. I feel like one of us has to die and since I can't kill my dad for obvious reasons, I chose to be suicidal and eventually kill myself. I tried everything but I'm haunted every nights for the rest of my life with images of me coming home from school to my drunk father pissing and pooping on the floor, walking around naked, being physically coercive, lacking any sense of dignity, leaving trash and a foul smell everywhere in the house, yelling at my mother, not letting us sleep etc every single day for 18 years.
Man, i'm crying. This post hits too close to home. I completely relate you. As a child i've always tried to find the reason for my dad's abuse. I tried to justify it. I thought every dad beats their kid for looking at them the wrong way, or it's just something that they do for some other reasons i didn't know.

But after that one day in my teenagehood, i realized that he doesn't need a reason at all. I was just his living punching bag. Pathetic, helpless. It fueled a deep rage inside of me, rooted in the years of abuse in my childhood.

That's why i get homicidal tendencies sometimes and certain things are the triggers. I completely understand your situation and i don't blame you. Other people with loving parents will judge without knowing the whole story. None of us asked to be born so being 'ungrateful' for life is just a logical fallacy from the start.
 
avoid_slow_death

avoid_slow_death

Ready to embrace the peaceful bliss of the void.
Feb 4, 2020
1,107
Man, i'm crying. This post hits too close to home. I completely relate you. As a child i've always tried to find the reason for my dad's abuse. I tried to justify it. I thought every dad beats their kid for looking at them the wrong way, or it's just something that they do for some other reasons i didn't know.

But after that one day in my teenagehood, i realized that he doesn't need a reason at all. I was just his living punching bag. Pathetic, helpless. It fueled a deep rage inside of me, rooted in the years of abuse in my childhood.

That's why i get homicidal tendencies sometimes and certain things are the triggers. I completely understand your situation and i don't blame you. Other people with loving parents will judge without knowing the whole story. None of us asked to be born so being 'ungrateful' for life is just a logical fallacy from the start.
I'm so sorry you had to deal with this as well. I was fortunate enough to have a mother with a very kind soul to balance out my father's hatred. Otherwise I would likely be in prison right now for the very feelings OP is having.
 
little helpers

little helpers

did I tie the tourniquet on my arm or on my neck?
Dec 14, 2021
522
you have another one here who feels you down to their core…me.

it was a while ago now. saw a dude passing by who really resembles my father. haircut, appearance, the way he walks, all of that. it was literally like an uncontrollable twich that I just fucking wanted to kill him, that poor thing.

I no longer see my dad now, not even on an occasion. you have no idea how much relief I get knowing you can beat the hell out of your abuser cuz, mine is really daunting physically. if I got to revenge I totally would.

seems like helplessness and outbursts of rage just oscillates. if one goes down the other one comes up. I honestly don’t know if it’s better to show it outwardly, or put it on onself. those who don’t lash out just end up SHing, at least in my case. there has to be an outlet, somewhere.

I don’t really know what else to say. just wanting you to know that I relate.
 
Insomniac

Insomniac

𝔄 𝔲 𝔱 𝔦 𝔰 𝔪
May 21, 2021
679
D

Define physically abusive? I am unable to decide who I should back.
you don't need to back either one of us, I didn't write this story to receive backing. In fact I was expecting judgements.

to answer your question, my dad severely beat me multiple times while drunk and what I did to him paled in comparison to the kind of beating I used to receive.

but the physical abuse isn't what marked me the most and is nothing compared to the psychological trauma.
 
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David8886

David8886

Member
Nov 18, 2021
13
about 8 weeks ago, I severely beat my dad while he was drunk. He showed up at our house completely drunk and that was it for me.i was going to kill him.

I threw everything I could get at him and took the broom and started violently hitting him and he fell and I continued and he was crying at some point. My sister heard us in the living room and she stormed in and tried to stop me. I aggressively pushed her away and continued kicking him and hitting him as hard as I could. I couldn't stop myself. I reached to the mosquito spray and sprayed the whole bottle on him. I think I was trying to poison him. At some point I tried to reach to burning hot water to throw on him.

My dad was still crying on the floor completely drunk when my sister decided to shield him with her body. It didn't stop me. Neighbors had to intervene (they heard the cries and the screams). Even after they forcefully locked me in my room, I continued banging at the door in rage for like two hours.

my dad has always been an extreme alcoholic and I spent my life forced to interact with him and his sexual negligence (he'd walk around naked from being too drunk and physically abuse me). I felt deeply disturbed and scared and now these feelings were no longer manifesting in the form of helplessness but in the form of a frightening rage. only someone who had a drug addict for parent can understand this level of desperation.

I had previously stopped answering my dad's calls and did my best to avoid him for exactly this reason: I knew seeing him drunk would trigger this kind of reaction from me. He would beg my sister to talk to me over the phone. He is in his 60s and afraid of aging alone uncared for and this is why he kept harassing me to visit him and answer his calls. He doesn't have any friend because of the kind of person he is and his family doesn't want anything to do with him. My mom abandoned him too.

I didn't feel bad about what I did even after I calmed down. Even after taking 5 alpraz I was still fuming. I had told my sister multiple times to warn him that I didn't have control of the rage I felt towards him, everyone was aware of my rage. I spent my life protecting my sister from him so she wasn't close to my dad at all. She was only upset because she said I could get in serious trouble. Same for the neighbours who stopped me, they all said they didn't care about my dad and only intervened for my sake.

My psychiatrist knew about my feelings towards my dad because I frequently discussed it with him. It's far from being a secret and most people who know me know how I feel towards my dad. He (the psychiatrist) gave me some clonazepam and alpraz to calm me down. I asked him to give them to my sister so that she could control my intakes and he said no. he said that he trusted me not to do anything stupid. which was weird considering what I had already done..

After the event a few more neighbours stopped at our house to talk to me and ask me if I was okay. No one gave a shit about my dad. Goes to show that even the neighbours were aware of the nightmare he had put us through throughout all those years.

Anyway Idk why I suddenly felt like sharing this extremely dark arc of mine. It's a random story with no particular moral to the story. I guess don't show up drunk to your homicidal daughter's house? because she might really kill you.

the reason there's no moral is because I had absolutely lost control of myself, which is why I can't feel any guilt.

my dad is the only reason I'm have chronic suicidal ideations. I feel like one of us has to die and since I can't kill my dad for obvious reasons, I chose to be suicidal and eventually kill myself. I tried everything but I'm haunted every nights for the rest of my life with images of me coming home from school to my drunk father pissing and pooping on the floor, walking around naked, being physically coercive, lacking any sense of dignity, leaving trash and a foul smell everywhere in the house, yelling at my mother, not letting us sleep etc every single day for 18 years.
I'm sorry for all the bitterness, comrade

Times have been very, very hard for you

None of us may be able to bear it or we may be dead by now

I'm so glad you went to psychiatrist

There are many problems, including self-esteem, stress anxiety and so on

You have experienced very bad psychological damage

Sorry, I hope you can get better

If you are in the United States, please contact Dr. Farid Holakouee
 
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freemindnsoul

freemindnsoul

Wizard
Sep 29, 2021
649
I'm sorry for all the bitterness, comrade

Times have been very, very hard for you

None of us may be able to bear it or we may be dead by now

I'm so glad you went to psychiatrist

There are many problems, including self-esteem, stress anxiety and so on

You have experienced very bad psychological damage

Sorry, I hope you can get better

If you are in the United States, please contact Dr. Farid Holakouee
Who are you? why do you recommend this Dr?
 
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Feeding Pigeons

Feeding Pigeons

Arcanist
Aug 5, 2021
428
Christ almighty. This post freaks me out cause I deal with feelings and thoughts like this too but, thank god I never went through with them. Honestly dude the chickens always come home to roost, and some people need to learn that the hard way. Its good that you have a sister and neighbors that give a shit about you.
 
Messgram

Messgram

Member
Dec 30, 2021
35
I assaulted my father (who is also an alcoholic) a few years ago, I started hitting him and then I went into a blind rage and couldn't stop. My mother came between us, but still, i couldn't stop. She fainted and the shock that something might have happened to her made me stop. If she hadn't intervened, I might have killed him.

I think this was the worst day of my life, I locked myself in my room for several days and then I left home and went to live in another city with my grandparents.
For financial reasons, I had to move back in with him and we don't talk about it anymore, we seem to pretend it didn't happen and it's better that way because it's too traumatic to remember. But he's still the same asshole he was before, constantly belittling me and I really feel like dying when that happens. During the Lockdown, being locked up with him was hell and it was at this time that my depression sank even further and I bought my SN.
I swear I'll never attack him again, I'd rather die than have to experience that scene again. But I constantly imagine myself killing him in a very brutal way and I start biting myself violently as a way to vent my anger.
 
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