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HarmedVessel

HarmedVessel

Student
Nov 5, 2022
105
Why is it that even after seeing how horrible my suffering has been for years despite trying essentially every treatment available, one of my parents is still going to have a kid with their spouse who doesn't even want me around? Why am I, according to everyone human I encounter out in this horrible world, obligated to not ctb? Why does everybody swear that it would be a mistake and that it would be selfish? One thing is for sure, if any of the people who added to my suffering with these sentiments could feel my pain, they would beg on their knees for forgiveness for just how gaslit and alone they've made me feel.

Each year has been spent trying more and more to avoid those around me because despite all the effort that has been wasted on every type of treatment available, I have only gotten worse. Furthermore, the feeling that I am utterly alone has multiplied with each additional person I am around. Isolation has been my only pseudo-salvation. Of course, if it was true salvation, there would be no need for me to be on ss in the first place. Truth be told, I want to live but am not quite sure I will even have the option if my circumstances change which they are guaranteed to. I am SO dependent on others to stay alive but at the same time, those others are dependent on me staying alive to avoid having an encounter with grief and mourning. This life is literally a never ending nightmare and I am perplexed at the notion that I am supposed to just not ctb despite the fact that I have tried every treatment. I'm aware that I am restating myself but seriously, I can NOT fathom why someone would bring another kid into this world while their other kid is over here agonizing for years.

Thanks for reading my dissociated and disorganized rant.
 
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HarmedVessel

HarmedVessel

Student
Nov 5, 2022
105
They brought you here to put meaning to their meaningless life.

We’re all a meat shield because two persons were horny enough to initiate sex

The reality is really dark if you think about it.
Yes, this is a dark dark life. I just wish that the pleasure I get from self destruction was enough to justify living for myself but unfortunately it is not. In addition to that idea, I just can not ctb while they are alive because the pre-ctb guilt is just too strong. One may say I'm just not in enough pain to go through with it and I would say otherwise as I have been utterly obsessed with suicide and death for a long time before coming on this site. That being said, everything I type on here, I am still holding back some feelings due to fear that one day these posts may inevitably get back to them.
 
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leeloosnow

leeloosnow

Specialist
Aug 28, 2022
373
They brought you here to put meaning to their meaningless life.

We’re all a meat shield because two persons were horny enough to initiate sex

The reality is really dark if you think about it.
ew. y you make me think abt... 🤬
 
C

conflagration

Member
Jul 29, 2022
51
So my mother told me that she thought having kids is awesome because she can relive her childhood.
Thanks mom, great reason to bring another being into this misery.
 
F

Forever Sleep

Earned it we have...
May 4, 2022
1,266
I think it does depend on the parents. I think mine were actually genuinely happy and loved life- so I suppose it wouldn't even occur to them that I wouldn't or that things were just about to get a whole lot worse for them.

Although my Dad doesn't know just how badly I feel, he knows I think it would be cruel for me to bring a child into the world and he knows I'm struggling. Sometimes he even apologises- bless.

But your parents? No- I don't get that at all. If they can see how unhappy you are, why to they think this time around will be so different? I'm sorry- sounds like you are in a horrible situation.
 
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W

whywere

Enlightened
Jun 26, 2020
1,913
I feel your pain. I have told this so, so many times on here so I will be brief. My "parents" NEVER wanted me, hated me and kicked me out at 18 and never heard from them again, 100% their choice.

My heart breaks into pieces for you.

Sending you lots of huge hugs, kindness and the knowledge that you are a very kind and caring soul with so much to give the world and yourself.

Walter
 
HarmedVessel

HarmedVessel

Student
Nov 5, 2022
105
I feel your pain. I have told this so, so many times on here so I will be brief. My "parents" NEVER wanted me, hated me and kicked me out at 18 and never heard from them again, 100% their choice.

My heart breaks into pieces for you.

Sending you lots of huge hugs, kindness and the knowledge that you are a very kind and caring soul with so much to give the world and yourself.

Walter
Thank you for sharing and I'm really sorry that you've been put through this experience. No one deserves that and despite such hardship, you still care enough to show empathy to an internet stranger. It means a lot to me so thank you. :heart:
So my mother told me that she thought having kids is awesome because she can relive her childhood.
Thanks mom, great reason to bring another being into this misery.
I feel like there is no other explanation for this other than a complete lack of consideration for the potential of suffering in life. Needless to say, my life experience has me heavily identifying with anti-natalism. Also, whats worse is that despite my suffering becoming majorly intolerable, I am aware that it can literally still get worse. Ugh...
I think it does depend on the parents. I think mine were actually genuinely happy and loved life- so I suppose it wouldn't even occur to them that I wouldn't or that things were just about to get a whole lot worse for them.

Although my Dad doesn't know just how badly I feel, he knows I think it would be cruel for me to bring a child into the world and he knows I'm struggling. Sometimes he even apologises- bless.

But your parents? No- I don't get that at all. If they can see how unhappy you are, why to they think this time around will be so different? I'm sorry- sounds like you are in a horrible situation.
I have discussed the same things with my dad. I'm so afraid of hurting his feelings that I followed up the philosophical discussion (that I didn't start by the way) with "but I don't blame you or mom for having me," although often times I do. I try to remind myself that they didn't wake up one day and say "Lets have a kid so they suffer," but still...
 
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FuneralCry

FuneralCry

She dreams of eternal sleep
Sep 24, 2020
16,631
It’s incredibly cruel and beyond unfair to continue to bring life here. It’s just creating unnecessary problems and suffering in which there were never a need for in the first place. Of course the wish to prevent ctb comes from selfishness and lack of understanding as to what others go through, the reality of this existence is that we will all die someday so there could never be anything wrong with someone deciding to exit at a time of their own choosing. Suicide could never possibly be a mistake as I believe that when we die we simply won’t be aware of anything. But it would likely be different if all those who are against suicide ended up in a situation of endless torment and then they would wish to leave this world.
 
HarmedVessel

HarmedVessel

Student
Nov 5, 2022
105
But it would likely be different if all those who are against suicide ended up in a situation of endless torment and then they would wish to leave this world.
Yes, very likely it would be different and also quite the dark irony. I can think of times were I imagined telling this to others who I felt so severely misunderstood by but I fear that no amount of words substitutes for an experience when it comes to empathy and understanding.
 
S

SamTam33

Experienced
Oct 9, 2022
249
I have this obsessive thought that keeps popping into my head: I have to kill myself before my parents die so that they don't win.

A part of me feels like as long as I continue living the life they heaped upon me, they win and I lose.

I look at it the same way I would if someone was deliberately trying to push your buttons and you take the bait.

They get what they want and you end up doing all of the suffering.

I go off on these tirades in my head of how cruel it is for anyone to make a baby and suffer no consequences whatsoever for the life that child has to go on and live.

As long as they feed you enough to keep you alive, send you to school and don't beat you, they will incur no repercussions. How can that be?

Those are similar requirements for housing prisoners. The bare minimum.

I'm not trying to "teach them a lesson" or anything like that. My death is not going to devastate them by any stretch of the imagination.

But I need them to understand how thoroughly disgusted and repulsed I am at the life they gave me. I need that more than anything.

I don't know what my point is... I abhor my parents on a level that can't be put into words.

But it's a different kind of hate than what you develop when you've had abusive or neglectful parents. I can't explain it.

I hate them for being stupid. I hate them for existing. I hate them for making me in their image.

I want to destroy the thing that they made, and I want them to watch while I destroy it.
 
E

eldiablo666

Evil Always Prevail
Sep 25, 2022
331
I have this obsessive thought that keeps popping into my head: I have to kill myself before my parents die so that they don't win.

A part of me feels like as long as I continue living the life they heaped upon me, they win and I lose.

I look at it the same way I would if someone was deliberately trying to push your buttons and you take the bait.

They get what they want and you end up doing all of the suffering.

I go off on these tirades in my head of how cruel it is for anyone to make a baby and suffer no consequences whatsoever for the life that child has to go on and live.

As long as they feed you enough to keep you alive, send you to school and don't beat you, they will incur no repercussions. How can that be?

Those are similar requirements for housing prisoners. The bare minimum.

I'm not trying to "teach them a lesson" or anything like that. My death is not going to devastate them by any stretch of the imagination.

But I need them to understand how thoroughly disgusted and repulsed I am at the life they gave me. I need that more than anything.

I don't know what my point is... I abhor my parents on a level that can't be put into words.

But it's a different kind of hate than what you develop when you've had abusive or neglectful parents. I can't explain it.

I hate them for being stupid. I hate them for existing. I hate them for making me in their image.

I want to destroy the thing that they made, and I want them to watch while I destroy it.
I contemplate this too, but I’m conflicted because I think my parents would be happy that I die. So for me it’s the other way around. I need to outlive them to “win”.

But then again I don’t think there are any winners here, except parents are bigger losers than the rest of us.
 
HarmedVessel

HarmedVessel

Student
Nov 5, 2022
105
I have this obsessive thought that keeps popping into my head: I have to kill myself before my parents die so that they don't win.

A part of me feels like as long as I continue living the life they heaped upon me, they win and I lose.

I look at it the same way I would if someone was deliberately trying to push your buttons and you take the bait.

They get what they want and you end up doing all of the suffering.

I go off on these tirades in my head of how cruel it is for anyone to make a baby and suffer no consequences whatsoever for the life that child has to go on and live.

As long as they feed you enough to keep you alive, send you to school and don't beat you, they will incur no repercussions. How can that be?

Those are similar requirements for housing prisoners. The bare minimum.

I'm not trying to "teach them a lesson" or anything like that. My death is not going to devastate them by any stretch of the imagination.

But I need them to understand how thoroughly disgusted and repulsed I am at the life they gave me. I need that more than anything.

I don't know what my point is... I abhor my parents on a level that can't be put into words.

But it's a different kind of hate than what you develop when you've had abusive or neglectful parents. I can't explain it.

I hate them for being stupid. I hate them for existing. I hate them for making me in their image.

I want to destroy the thing that they made, and I want them to watch while I destroy it.
I relate to this at times and at other times, I have had parallel experiences/thoughts about it. It frequently feels like I will die without anybody truly understanding the sheer amount of nothingness and pain that I have to cope with unless I take initiative and "Correct the lack of understanding" by showing them the ultimate portrayal of what too much pain will cause.
 
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makethepainstop

makethepainstop

Enlightened
Sep 16, 2022
1,862
My parents went through hell to get me here and make me stay. Mom and I had RH problems before I was born, I then arrived three months early, then once I was here, I lived my first two months of life at the hospital as they thought I was going to die. Those loving and well-meaning idiots just couldn't understand that even before I was born, I DID NOT want to be here for this life. All they had to do was just let nature take its course, but no they couldn't do that.
When I was five and for the first time saw a kid in first grade named Ricky, I asked my mom why I didn't have hair like that and what kind of hair did Ricky have. She answered that's blond hair, and your father and I didn't have those genes. I asked, (as a five-year-old I thought if one lacked something that one must make every effort to obtain the missing element), Can't we go get some? (Blond genes), mom broke up laughing. I proceeded to pitch a fit and got my ass whipped for freaking out about not being able to get those blessed blond hair genes. So, I always knew I did NOT WANT THIS DAMN LIFE, at five years of age! Can't wait to leave this live, I pray, and hope God will grant me the build coloration and size I so desperately desire in my next incarnation. If not, I will CTB each life until I am granted those blessed genetics.
 
HarmedVessel

HarmedVessel

Student
Nov 5, 2022
105
My parents went through hell to get me here and make me stay. Mom and I had RH problems before I was born, I then arrived three months early, then once I was here, I lived my first two months of life at the hospital as they thought I was going to die. Those loving and well-meaning idiots just couldn't understand that even before I was born, I DID NOT want to be here for this life. All they had to do was just let nature take its course, but no they couldn't do that.
When I was five and for the first time saw a kid in first grade named Ricky, I asked my mom why I didn't have hair like that and what kind of hair did Ricky have. She answered that's blond hair, and your father and I didn't have those genes. I asked, (as a five-year-old I thought if one lacked something that one must make every effort to obtain the missing element), Can't we go get some? (Blond genes), mom broke up laughing. I proceeded to pitch a fit and got my ass whipped for freaking out about not being able to get those blessed blond hair genes. So, I always knew I did NOT WANT THIS DAMN LIFE, at five years of age! Can't wait to leave this live, I pray, and hope God will grant me the build coloration and size I so desperately desire in my next incarnation. If not, I will CTB each life until I am granted those blessed genetics.
Thank you for sharing this story. This is probably one of the more interesting posts I've read recently. I recall wanting to rename myself a pirate name in kindergarten and feeling pretty confused and dissapointed when I was not allowed to. Not exactly the same thing but it is a memory that popped into my head.
 
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makethepainstop

makethepainstop

Enlightened
Sep 16, 2022
1,862
Thank you for sharing this story. This is probably one of the more interesting posts I've read recently. I recall wanting to rename myself a pirate name in kindergarten and feeling pretty confused and dissapointed when I was not allowed to. Not exactly the same thing but it is a memory that popped into my head.
I cant imagine why as so many of my genetic family have dark hair, but I have always hated not being large and blond. (Large not meaning fat but big like 6'8, and of course, blond hair should for me be platinum blond.) I do not know and cannot fathom why having blonde hair and great size is so damn important to me. BUT IT IS if I am ever to be happy on this earth.