• Hey Visitor,

    In light of recent events, all community members in the US should reach out to their representative in regards to the Stop Online Suicide Assistance Forums Act that has been introduced in congress. This bill, if passed, could criminalize this community and hold it liable for simply hosting information.

    You should be able to locate and contact your represenative by going to this website. You can also contact Lori Trahan, the one spearheading this bill by calling her office at (202) 225-3411 or by leaving a message on the contact form on her site.

    One of the best ways to combat this is to make your voice heard. We're not political activists, but we made this notice to let you know that you do have a voice and that you do have representives that represent you in congress.
-Raven's Night-

-Raven's Night-

wanna join the club 27
Jan 31, 2020
35
I write this outside a teamroom (the place for students to self study in my university) that i was just being thrown out of.
Those guys who kicked me out of the teamroom would not scan at my screen and saw SS on it. But I was crying. They must felt strange, "she must has something wrong with her brain!" but each time it happens, my reaction was like the same.
Just want to note that my inability to have the supposed emotional reaction at one thing. For example, a thing that makes me upset for a whole day or week would be simply be that one of my forum post has little reply while others have a lot. So I'm worthless because nobody cares about me, in real life or in online forums. Self-doubt would be like flood, and i've been living with it for 18 years i can say. Life is so hard to live in this way. And I really hate those compulsory meaningless thing but i have to do, people around me have seen me burst into anger for so many times at those things. I have extremely limited interests so most of the things in my life fall under such category "meaningless, pointless". I don't know when I'll be really, really fed up with it, maybe already. so sad i can't have the right to choose ctb (because of a promise) but only think about it day after night.
Do any of you feel the similar way? I feel so lonely. And I'm so changeable in feelings though the final conclusion is that i don't belong to the world.
 
annique

annique

gave up on trying to make sense of reality
Jul 5, 2022
141
the sense of not belonging in this world, being deemed mental ill and then becoming incapable of functioning. all of that i'm going through right now;
i'm here to let you know you're not alone;
it appears as the world is a big flawed system, where the suffers may fall in dismay and hopelessness whereas some people may get joy from that

hugs 🤗
 
HarmedVessel

HarmedVessel

Student
Nov 5, 2022
105
You deserve much better, I'm sorry for your pain. I also can become extremely upset over seemingly random things like this. If it involves people, you can guarantee that it will easily put me in crisis mode because people bring out all of my most painful feelings. This extends onto the internet for me as well. I wish only peace and relief for you. <3
 
-Raven's Night-

-Raven's Night-

wanna join the club 27
Jan 31, 2020
35
To be honest your answers move me so deeply and I appreciate them so much. Thank you for telling me that I'm not alone! I got so much to do and so pressured so I reply late.
 
FuneralCry

FuneralCry

She dreams of eternal sleep
Sep 24, 2020
16,631
I also have never felt as though I belong in this world, the reality is that there is absolutely nothing appealing about existing to me, I just despise life and will always do regardless of the circumstances. Life is so useless and it’s such a terrible burden how we have the ability to suffer to such an extreme extent and yet we are expected to just continue this life day after day. It’s true that some people are simply not meant for life and your feelings of seeing no point to it all are understandable. To me life is just endless problems that lead nowhere, we suffer just to deteriorate and die anyway, so at least to me it’s better to be free from all this. Only the thought of non existence comforts me.
 
Darkover

Darkover

Enlightened
Jul 29, 2021
1,200
these lives are terrilbe i don't see why anyone should be made to live like this, there is nothing i want more than to be free from this awful enslavement into death do us part it can't come soon enough
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: -Raven's Night-
Nirrend

Nirrend

The important is not how long you live ...
Mar 12, 2022
395
I write this outside a teamroom (the place for students to self study in my university) that i was just being thrown out of.
Those guys who kicked me out of the teamroom would not scan at my screen and saw SS on it. But I was crying. They must felt strange, "she must has something wrong with her brain!" but each time it happens, my reaction was like the same.
Just want to note that my inability to have the supposed emotional reaction at one thing. For example, a thing that makes me upset for a whole day or week would be simply be that one of my forum post has little reply while others have a lot. So I'm worthless because nobody cares about me, in real life or in online forums. Self-doubt would be like flood, and i've been living with it for 18 years i can say. Life is so hard to live in this way. And I really hate those compulsory meaningless thing but i have to do, people around me have seen me burst into anger for so many times at those things. I have extremely limited interests so most of the things in my life fall under such category "meaningless, pointless". I don't know when I'll be really, really fed up with it, maybe already. so sad i can't have the right to choose ctb (because of a promise) but only think about it day after night.
Do any of you feel the similar way? I feel so lonely. And I'm so changeable in feelings though the final conclusion is that i don't belong to the world.

Hi sweet @-Raven's Night-

I am sorry you are suffering so much, life is very often hard and cold ❤

The judgements you have felt are terrible and really don't help...

I understand what you are describing, I think you may feel an injustice about it, excluded, deeply lonely, misunderstood and maybe condemned to wander around like a ghost...

I understand, this fear and this lack of desire to try to show up because I imagine that the lack of response can bring back painful things related to abandonment, loneliness, rejection, disinterest ❤

I'm not going to lie to you, a place like this is really not easy to get the attention you want..

Of course your suffering is legitimate and so are your needs ❤

But in fact, here everyone is fighting against himself, against life. Fatigue, despair reigns for many and the absence of energy is felt

When I read you, I feel terrible because I try as best I can to give people attention and presence

But often I feel powerless, because, writing messages, even if I do it with my heart, it costs me a lot of energy... most of the time, there is a lot of distress in the same day, I can't answer to everything and I blame myself

I know that many people here give from their heart to people but very often they are also taken short by the number of messages of suffering and the little energy they have

But today I want to try to give you all the attention I can and I really wish I could have helped before if it was possible ❤

I think that today, even if I could be wrong, the question of existence, identity and love are part of your wounds...

Why sweet @-Raven's Night- ? ❤

Do you lack affection in your life ? Don't you like yourself? Do you think you are sensitive and feel you absorb people's emotions? Do you give and never receive in return? Do you isolate yourself for fear of rejection (but you understand that this is a vicious circle and that you don't risk giving people the chance to love you either)

I recognize myself in many of your words. And very often, in my case, I say to myself that "No matter how much I'm told I'm loved, no matter how much I'm hugged, I'll never feel loved".

Because identity is at the heart of the matter, the fact of feeling alive, of having a complete, finite perception of oneself

Perhaps you feel this way?

Even if you are afraid of not having an answer (and very often I am too!), write to us anyway, don't be alone with this ❤

In this spiral, you already feel alone in the background since you are discreet, after all what are you risking to comment here?

At worst, feeling alone as you already feel right now, at best, love and attention ❤

See, today you did the right thing writing this ❤😊

Courage to you sweet @-Raven's Night-, you already are brave, come back and see us here, people will find the time to give you some warmth ❤

I'll try in give and if I don't reply I'm sorry, it's not that you don't matter but that it's very hard to find the time and see through so much despair here...

From a sincere love 😊
 
  • Love
Reactions: -Raven's Night-
-Raven's Night-

-Raven's Night-

wanna join the club 27
Jan 31, 2020
35
Hi sweet @-Raven's Night-

I am sorry you are suffering so much, life is very often hard and cold ❤

The judgements you have felt are terrible and really don't help...

I understand what you are describing, I think you may feel an injustice about it, excluded, deeply lonely, misunderstood and maybe condemned to wander around like a ghost...

I understand, this fear and this lack of desire to try to show up because I imagine that the lack of response can bring back painful things related to abandonment, loneliness, rejection, disinterest ❤

I'm not going to lie to you, a place like this is really not easy to get the attention you want..

Of course your suffering is legitimate and so are your needs ❤

But in fact, here everyone is fighting against himself, against life. Fatigue, despair reigns for many and the absence of energy is felt

When I read you, I feel terrible because I try as best I can to give people attention and presence

But often I feel powerless, because, writing messages, even if I do it with my heart, it costs me a lot of energy... most of the time, there is a lot of distress in the same day, I can't answer to everything and I blame myself

I know that many people here give from their heart to people but very often they are also taken short by the number of messages of suffering and the little energy they have

But today I want to try to give you all the attention I can and I really wish I could have helped before if it was possible ❤

I think that today, even if I could be wrong, the question of existence, identity and love are part of your wounds...

Why sweet @-Raven's Night- ? ❤

Do you lack affection in your life ? Don't you like yourself? Do you think you are sensitive and feel you absorb people's emotions? Do you give and never receive in return? Do you isolate yourself for fear of rejection (but you understand that this is a vicious circle and that you don't risk giving people the chance to love you either)

I recognize myself in many of your words. And very often, in my case, I say to myself that "No matter how much I'm told I'm loved, no matter how much I'm hugged, I'll never feel loved".

Because identity is at the heart of the matter, the fact of feeling alive, of having a complete, finite perception of oneself

Perhaps you feel this way?

Even if you are afraid of not having an answer (and very often I am too!), write to us anyway, don't be alone with this ❤

In this spiral, you already feel alone in the background since you are discreet, after all what are you risking to comment here?

At worst, feeling alone as you already feel right now, at best, love and attention ❤

See, today you did the right thing writing this ❤😊

Courage to you sweet @-Raven's Night-, you already are brave, come back and see us here, people will find the time to give you some warmth ❤

I'll try in give and if I don't reply I'm sorry, it's not that you don't matter but that it's very hard to find the time and see through so much despair here...

From a sincere love 😊
Thank you so much for such a long and sincere post, and sorry that I didn't find time to reply until now. Yes exactly I have received so much love and attention here and it does make me feel moved. And it's such an amazing thing you are doing, even though, as you said, insurmountable depression here. It's a place where we can share any thoughts that's hard to tell elsewhere.
Unbelievable how you wrote these that I relate to them so much throughout my life. For those questions my answer would be several 'yes' ...especially today something on my mind is like being absorbing too much emotions, like the pain around the whole world. It was worse in the past, but nowadays guess meds are numbing my emotions. I appreciate all the replies here that indicates I'm not alone feeling these. Really. Thank you SO much!
 
Nirrend

Nirrend

The important is not how long you live ...
Mar 12, 2022
395
Thank you so much for such a long and sincere post, and sorry that I didn't find time to reply until now. Yes exactly I have received so much love and attention here and it does make me feel moved. And it's such an amazing thing you are doing, even though, as you said, insurmountable depression here. It's a place where we can share any thoughts that's hard to tell elsewhere.
Unbelievable how you wrote these that I relate to them so much throughout my life. For those questions my answer would be several 'yes' ...especially today something on my mind is like being absorbing too much emotions, like the pain around the whole world. It was worse in the past, but nowadays guess meds are numbing my emotions. I appreciate all the replies here that indicates I'm not alone feeling these. Really. Thank you SO much!

❤❤😊
 
leeloosnow

leeloosnow

Specialist
Aug 28, 2022
373
I think two experiences you mentioned are unfortuately similar to things I've experienced. There's a person that, years ago made some decisions to afford themselves a small amount of convenience, did not ask or believe or understand what I did and said about, many things, including that decision, as a result i suffered and lost a lot. That is one of many experiences I had in life that left me suffering, whether by my own poorly guided decisions, bad luck, or bad decisions on someone elses behalf.. anyways. I was initially angry years ago, I didn't want to hear that name, I didn't want to see that face or contact them at all. To this day I still can't have a detailed discussion about what happened there without crying, even with my therapist. She knows generally of that situation, about things with family, other so called friends or relationships. I avoided seeing that person for about two years while the hurt continued to pile up quicker than I could deal with it. A short term commitment that became important and caused me to miss my bus last month, the same reason was enough to make me see that person's face yesterday, knowing I would have to act politely, formally, and not act on any emotions I felt about the situation no matter what they chose to say or do. I was really worried about that yday, I didn't want to go, I thought it would be uncomfortable at best, and an emotional/verbal fiasco at worst... but when I walked into the room I felt nothing. I wasn't angry, it will never be okay what they did, but I couldn't feel anything. A little bit of acknowledging we're all flawed humans that make mistakes but nothing beyond. I am utterly emotionally exhausted from feeling extreme sadness, loss, and disappointment. Also the practicality of not existing next year, I guess long term hopes are irrelevant. I don't want to put energy into humans anymore. But that lack of feeling you talked about you said, I know that. And if i'm imagining being kicked out of a study hall for softly crying while looking at sasu on my computer, I think I'd feel exactly as you describe.
I've also done the exact same thing you're talking about with having less reactions to a social media post I made (here, other groups, or socials), than my peers there, and in retrospect I went straight to something seemingly trivial and felt worthless. Worthless is a word more common in my thoughts, writing, these days. So much negativity so often, for so long, and nothing I do (good or bad) ever seems to work. Pretty much what therapists call trauma. Humans can process trauma, it's like digestion I guess, some of us faster and some slower, but always there is too much too fast. And, that overflow is where I am. That is the pain the world has showed me too much of, that makes me prioritize relief of my pain by ctb above any of the things I have previously enjoyed in life.
Over the years I found things I loved, like rescuing pet rats. I didn't trust peolpe, but in that brief moment of a rat's short lifespan, I could relieve their suffering, help them have more quality enjoyable experiences like yummy foods, playing with cagemates, nibbling off small pieces of my laptop, whatever. I could turn a dejected dying animal, as I feel now, into a content being that enjoys their life, for a little while at least, suffering gone. I felt more worthwhile being able to so closely observe that. My interactions with humans, ones where I had to trust, have always left me feeling hurt and alone and worse off than when I was before, so I guess I got my interactions there and with online chatter, mmo's, this forum, similar. I guess it was around 2015, I got lied to and cheated on in a relationship, that was about when I stopped trusting humans or genuinely accepting people saying the fucking L word and trusting they really do care about my welfare. It would have served me well had I remembered that truth, of not trusting, but for some reason I'm very bad at getting into relationships (not necessarily intimate) that leave me hurt, I keep unwittingly getting into them. I hate the L word tho, for years when I am told that my face looks like I bit a lemon, or I completely change the topic of conversation, or I outright tell the offender to not say that. To some degree it's true, have loved and still care about people, but to an extent. It's important for me to act with integrity, follow through with actions I say I will, to those I care about. But this pain I have, outweighs anything. I might be able to tolerate it another few months maybe even a year, in this exact situation, if nothing changes. But recent years show me changes often are for the worst, things are harder to achieve, my ability to make the best of whatever it is becomes less as I am more taxed by having already tried.
Gonna paraphrase some other recent thought provoking threads here, one of them is finding sasu. Anyone who came here legitimately thought letting go of everything possibly positive in life was the best way out of the pain we have. I have emotional/situational hurt and have not found a way to improve otherwise. That has become unbearable, more than possibly being able to save pet rats, play mmo's, chat on forums, or anything else remotely pleasurable. Sometimes it's physical or emotional or a combination, the details are as unique as our personalities. We suffered enough to put it first, above any family or significant other. One unbearable common thing among us. I have tried before and failed, then tried to alleviate other ways without ctb. I keep ending up being okay with being dead more often, more days, and faster.
talking with ppl on sasu is uniquely helpful, as I can't even say to my therapist I'm considering (not intending) without potentially placing her job at risk. She's a rational logical person and gives suggestions I find helpful, but what I'm typing out now could easily complicate her job for my freedom because of arcane legislature. I'm starting to feel it again now, that mild headache and brain fog. I think I have too much in my head, I keep getting mild headaches this week. Hard to concentrate, maybe I should shut up. It's uniquely comforting, helpful for me to type stuff like this without worry of being locked up, costing someone a job. It's helpful for me to avoid any pain I may feel in my procedure if and when I carry forward, that alleviates stress, fear of pain, fear of this emotional pain plus added physical emotional loss. I feel less alone reading stuff I relate to, like in your post or nirrend's reply. That brought me here and is why I'm still here until I find the easiest way out of my predicament. I find constant toxic positivity boring and useless, same with negativity when it's too much too often. There's other reasons than pain someone would make accounts here, such as people that make money off newspaper ad revenue, or predators that get enjoyment watching and worsening ppl's suffering. I know I'm less capable of handling real life situations in my current brain foggy, tired, empty state, I try to remind myself that some vultures love to pick the bones off an animal like me, easy prey. Another member wrote about the rationality of legal suicide, that we aren't invalidated because our pain may be emotional vs physical, which is easier for normies to be okay with the latter, and referenced a few questions about having rational criteria for ctb. this is not my first option, and the reason I have, what i've tried led to worse, similarly to what other members describe in their own situations of worsening pain. I hate feeling this way, I hate seeing honest peolpe feel this way, fuck consumerism and fuck predators. big hugs to you raven.
 
-Raven's Night-

-Raven's Night-

wanna join the club 27
Jan 31, 2020
35
@leeloosnow Reading your post does make me feel so sorry and sad that you have to go through these complicated things... SaSu is a place that i can be hit by some words and feel so deeply related, and truly agree that some of the thought-provoking posts here would make me yell in astonishment because they provide such insight. Sorry I can't reply as long as I can due to being occupied with so many "pointless, meaningless" things in my life, but what i want to tell you is that i read what you wrote for several times and feel so deeply sorry, and relate to many of the points: About your therapist, for instance, I feel EXACTLY the same about mine... but was unable to identify and express my thoughts in this way. Toxic positivity, the pain weighs more than the possible great thing we can achieve, etc,. When i was younger, my opinion was not consistent though. Yesterday I read through my old thoughts several years ago that said, comparing to ctb or the eternal rest, i prefer to do good things in this world but only if the pain of existence can be alleviated. Nowadays, being more mature, i just see it through a possibly more practical way. That is like how you paraphrased that the best way out of pain is to let go of everything positively in life. Pain is inevitable, so many terrible things are happening around the world and i feel the pain for others when i can't handle the pain for myself. And i know what do you mean about newspaper, revenue, predators...

And what also hit me a lot is about the pet rats you mentioned, that is truly moving! Just want to let you know that you are not alone, like how other members here have told me here. Hugs back!