S

sadandhopeless1

Member
Apr 4, 2022
7
I got prescribed sertraline about a year ago. It was awful getting on, it was the closest I ever came to actually following through with killing myself. Now that its leveled out I feel numb and apathetic. I've dug myself into this massive hole and I don't care enough about life to fix it. I know if I tapered off slowly I would just go back to the anxious depressed mess that I was before. Where does that leave me? I have to choose between feeling completely empty and hopeless or having my mind constantly race about how miserable I am and how bad I want to hurt myself. I think if I just stopped taking the pills one day that I would truly go off the deep end. I've skipped a day a few times and even that made me start to spiral and feel the walls closing in. I know that if I quit and gave it a few days that it would give me the emotional drive to actually follow through and be done with it. I keep waiting for a sign or something. For years I have told myself that I will kill myself once life gets bad enough, and that it was inevitable that something awful would happen to get me there. Maybe I don't need a sign and the awful thing will be me withdrawing from anti-depressants.
 
Suicidebydeath

Suicidebydeath

Falls in love
Nov 25, 2021
592
I've done that a few times when things were really, unfairly awful. Don't do it, it'll just make things worse x
 
artificial_ineptness

artificial_ineptness

Member
Nov 14, 2021
62
I do like the idea of ruining my life to make it easier to ctb, and will probably have to do it when I'll have to (again) face the fact that I'm a massive pussy that doesn't have it in them to end it.

That aside
I have to choose between feeling completely empty and hopeless or having my mind constantly race about how miserable I am and how bad I want to hurt myself.
are those really the only two options? I mean, I guess they might, what would I know, but I it's not like sertraline is the only anti-depressant that exists or some sort of be-all and end-all...
 
H

HopefulButPrepared

Member
Jun 22, 2022
49
I got prescribed sertraline about a year ago. It was awful getting on, it was the closest I ever came to actually following through with killing myself. Now that its leveled out I feel numb and apathetic. I've dug myself into this massive hole and I don't care enough about life to fix it. I know if I tapered off slowly I would just go back to the anxious depressed mess that I was before. Where does that leave me? I have to choose between feeling completely empty and hopeless or having my mind constantly race about how miserable I am and how bad I want to hurt myself. I think if I just stopped taking the pills one day that I would truly go off the deep end. I've skipped a day a few times and even that made me start to spiral and feel the walls closing in. I know that if I quit and gave it a few days that it would give me the emotional drive to actually follow through and be done with it. I keep waiting for a sign or something. For years I have told myself that I will kill myself once life gets bad enough, and that it was inevitable that something awful would happen to get me there. Maybe I don't need a sign and the awful thing will be me withdrawing from anti-depressants.
Would you like to be med-free and still alive, but feeling better, or do you just not want to be here, full stop?

I'm currently going through mirtazapine and oxycodone withdrawal, hoping I'll feel better without them. I'm using Xanax every other day to let me comatose myself through the withdrawal, and nytol (diphenhydramine) on the other days, just for drowsiness and sleep. It's going OK. I've joined a gym and I'm feeling good, at least sometimes, which is more than before.

I feel hopeful that this might not be the end after all.
 
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LifeHasNoOptIn

LifeHasNoOptIn

Worst Life Ever
Mar 31, 2022
169
Would you like to be med-free and still alive, but feeling better, or do you just not want to be here, full stop?

I'm currently going through mirtazapine and oxycodone withdrawal, hoping I'll feel better without them. I'm using Xanax every other day to let me comatose myself through the withdrawal, and nytol (diphenhydramine) on the other days, just for drowsiness and sleep. It's going OK. I've joined a gym and I'm feeling good, at least sometimes, which is more than before.

I feel hopeful that this might not be the end after all.
Sounds like you have a solid detox plan going that will hopefully work out.

I have detoxed off hydrocodone cold turkey before and it was one of the more unpleasant experiences of my life. The first 3 to 4 days were the worst. After that was more psychological withdraw with most of the physical symptoms being sleep difficulty with general malaise and soreness which eventually tapered off. That was after taking about 40mg daily for years.

Best of luck with your detox and hope it works out for the best šŸ¤—
 
H

HopefulButPrepared

Member
Jun 22, 2022
49
This is really helpful info. So I have benzo and nytol for the sleep issues. I'm a chronic pain sufferer, so this soreness you had as a withdrawal symptom, how long did it take for that to go? Answering that would be the most helpful thing you could tell me. Right now I have very sore joints, just from a reduction in dose.

I've been on between 20 mg and 100mg of Oxy a day for a few months, (bought loads on black market), depending on how much I felt like taking that day. I've just been using it to improve my quality of life so I can go out with friends and their children. It's been nice, but it's no long term solution, so now I plan to build muscle and strength to overcome the pain, with the help of some Testosterone therapy.
 
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DerTod

DerTod

No alarms and no surprises
Apr 17, 2022
137
I got prescribed sertraline about a year ago. It was awful getting on, it was the closest I ever came to actually following through with killing myself. Now that its leveled out I feel numb and apathetic. I've dug myself into this massive hole and I don't care enough about life to fix it. I know if I tapered off slowly I would just go back to the anxious depressed mess that I was before. Where does that leave me? I have to choose between feeling completely empty and hopeless or having my mind constantly race about how miserable I am and how bad I want to hurt myself. I think if I just stopped taking the pills one day that I would truly go off the deep end. I've skipped a day a few times and even that made me start to spiral and feel the walls closing in. I know that if I quit and gave it a few days that it would give me the emotional drive to actually follow through and be done with it. I keep waiting for a sign or something. For years I have told myself that I will kill myself once life gets bad enough, and that it was inevitable that something awful would happen to get me there. Maybe I don't need a sign and the awful thing will be me withdrawing from anti-depressants.
Been on Sertraline myself. Didn't do anything for depression just made me numb like all SSRIs i tried. But this one was particularly the worst because i lost most of the libido and sensitivity in the private area "thanks" to it and haven't recovered. Maybe consider a SNRI instead? I'm on Venlafaxine now plus Gabapentine for anxiety. It doesn't make me numb and i have more good days than before the treatment. Gives more energy as well. Even when i think of suicide, now i don't think of it with desperation but it's more like "heck if i can't fit here i'll just go and that's that". I'd rather CTB with this positive mindset than desperate,anxious,angry,sad and resentful.
 
LifeHasNoOptIn

LifeHasNoOptIn

Worst Life Ever
Mar 31, 2022
169
This is really helpful info. So I have benzo and nytol for the sleep issues. I'm a chronic pain sufferer, so this soreness you had as a withdrawal symptom, how long did it take for that to go? Answering that would be the most helpful thing you could tell me. Right now I have very sore joints, just from a reduction in dose.

I've been on between 20 mg and 100mg of Oxy a day for a few months, (bought loads on black market), depending on how much I felt like taking that day. I've just been using it to improve my quality of life so I can go out with friends and their children. It's been nice, but it's no long term solution, so now I plan to build muscle and strength to overcome the pain.
Being a few months versus years will hopefully lessen the length of your symptoms relative to my experience.

For me the soreness did not last too long, like maybe a couple weeks. However, I was not really suffering from any chronic pain and just started using it for the feel good effect which eventually spiraled into just taking it to avoid the pain of detox. I had not taken any prescribed for like 10 years when someone gave me a handful just being nice and it reminded me how good they made me feel and it kinda got out of control from there as I had a pretty consistent source available as long as I had the cash.

From my own experience, I would recommend tapering as the best method if possible, but I understand this can be extremely difficult. Once you make it past the first 3-4 days without, things should begin to improve and start working their way back to normal.

Good Luck and hope this helps :heart:
 
BetweenRadioStations

BetweenRadioStations

Member
Aug 10, 2021
92
I went practically cold turkey off my meds about 7 weeks ago because I wasn't functioning great on them. I was on them for over two years I think.
 
H

HopefulButPrepared

Member
Jun 22, 2022
49
Being a few months versus years will hopefully lessen the length of your symptoms relative to my experience.

For me the soreness did not last too long, like maybe a couple weeks. However, I was not really suffering from any chronic pain and just started using it for the feel good effect which eventually spiraled into just taking it to avoid the pain of detox. I had not taken any prescribed for like 10 years when someone gave me a handful just being nice and it reminded me how good they made me feel and it kinda got out of control from there as I had a pretty consistent source available as long as I had the cash.

From my own experience, I would recommend tapering as the best method if possible, but I understand this can be extremely difficult. Once you make it past the first 3-4 days without, things should begin to improve and start working their way back to normal.

Good Luck and hope this helps :heart:
Thanks so much for this advice. Because of the chronic pain, I have to be able to distinguish between what is my longer-term chronic pain, and what is soreness from withdrawal symptoms, so this has been really helpful to know. So I will expect my chronic pain to get worse for the first week or so, and just tell myself that my chronic pain is not getting worse, it's just a reaction to the Oxy withdrawal. This will put my mind at ease somewhat.

I had the same experience as you. I had a pile of cash and a source of never-ending back-alley 40 mg and 80 mg Oxycodone - I still have the source, and still have some accumulated cash, so it's very hard not to email him, pay bitcoin, and they'll be here literally tomorrow! Luckily, he sells Benzos, which are helping me sleep through the withdrawal symptoms, but my Doctor has agreed to give me benzos, so I stop buying from the back-alley guy. I realise Benzos are very bad for you if you become addicted, which is why I only take them every other day. Hopefully, any addiction to them, will be minor.
 
LifeHasNoOptIn

LifeHasNoOptIn

Worst Life Ever
Mar 31, 2022
169
Thanks so much for this advice. Because of the chronic pain, I have to be able to distinguish between what is my longer-term chronic pain, and what is soreness from withdrawal symptoms, so this has been really helpful to know. So I will expect my chronic pain to get worse for the first week or so, and just tell myself that my chronic pain is not getting worse, it's just a reaction to the Oxy withdrawal. This will put my mind at ease somewhat.

I had the same experience as you. I had a pile of cash and a source of never-ending back-alley 40 mg and 80 mg Oxycodone - I still have the source, and still have some accumulated cash, so it's very hard not to email him, pay bitcoin, and they'll be here literally tomorrow! Luckily, he sells Benzos, which are helping me sleep through the withdrawal symptoms, but my Doctor has agreed to give me benzos, so I stop buying from the back-alley guy. I realise Benzos are very bad for you if you become addicted, which is why I only take them every other day. Hopefully, any addiction to them, will be minor.
Yep, it's definitely important to remember that the inevitable increase in pain is temporary and will revert back to the norm with time. It's one of those things that makes detoxing from opiates more difficult for pain sufferers and infuriates me that doctors make people with legit pain issues suffer through withdraw or insufficent dosing because of the dumb ass DEA hovering over their shoulder and the virtue signaling politicians who don't give a fuck about anything but appearing to care about the opiate "crisis".

The benzos are definitely a thing to keep a close eye on. They were actually what brought me to the point that I decided to detox as I was taking them daily as well and reached probably the closest point of CTB in my life as I held my pistol in my hand feeling like it was the only way for it all to stop. They can definitely help blunt the symptoms and It sounds like you are keeping it in check. Hopefully, they won't add any difficulty to the road ahead.
 
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H

HopefulButPrepared

Member
Jun 22, 2022
49
Yep, it's definitely important to remember that the inevitable increase in pain is temporary and will revert back to the norm with time. It's one of those things that makes detoxing from opiates more difficult for pain sufferers and infuriates me that doctors make people with legit pain issues suffer through withdraw or insufficent dosing because of the dumb ass DEA hovering over their shoulder and the virtue signaling politicians who don't give a fuck about anything but appearing to care about the opiate "crisis".

The benzos are definitely a thing to keep a close eye on. They were actually what brought me to the point that I decided to detox as I was taking them daily as well and reached probably the closest point of CTB in my life as I held my pistol in my hand feeling like it was the only way for it all to stop. They can definitely help blunt the symptoms and It sounds like you are keeping it in check. Hopefully, they won't add any difficulty to the road ahead.
Thanks so much for all this advice. This is exactly what I needed to hear. When the pain gets worse, I'll know it's just temporary.

I was actually thinking of going...

day 1) benzo
day 2) nothing
day 3) nytol (diphenhydramine)
day 4) nothing

...then repeat.

I've found that the less you take something, the more effective it is because your tolerance is less, so I'll basically have...

GOOD sleep (nytol) / MAYBE POOR drug-free sleep / GREAT sleep (benzo) / MAYBE POOR drug-free sleep - so I'll be taking the benzo every 4 days - SURELY you can't get addicted from that?!

I could even just go...

1) Nytol (Diphenhydramine)
2) Benzo
3) nothing

...repeat. So the benzo is every 72 hours.
 
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S

Smart No More

Enlightened
May 5, 2021
1,846
Have you considered a change in meds? @sadandhopeless1

Thanks so much for this advice. Because of the chronic pain, I have to be able to distinguish between what is my longer-term chronic pain, and what is soreness from withdrawal symptoms, so this has been really helpful to know. So I will expect my chronic pain to get worse for the first week or so, and just tell myself that my chronic pain is not getting worse, it's just a reaction to the Oxy withdrawal. This will put my mind at ease somewhat.

I had the same experience as you. I had a pile of cash and a source of never-ending back-alley 40 mg and 80 mg Oxycodone - I still have the source, and still have some accumulated cash, so it's very hard not to email him, pay bitcoin, and they'll be here literally tomorrow! Luckily, he sells Benzos, which are helping me sleep through the withdrawal symptoms, but my Doctor has agreed to give me benzos, so I stop buying from the back-alley guy. I realise Benzos are very bad for you if you become addicted, which is why I only take them every other day. Hopefully, any addiction to them, will be minor.


You will still get addicted to the benzos using them every other day. It will happen fast too. Even every 3 or 4 days is too much unfortunately. Although it will drag it out a little depending which benzo you use. You probably noticed your tolerance picking up already. They have various half lives but none of them can be taken every other day without addiction forming. Even after a week or two you will notice it when you stop taking them. It will however take a couple of days to a week to be obvious you're in withdrawals though. Diazepam had a particularly long half life with a few active metabolites (your liver turns it into different benzos) so it's very easy to get caught out. The shorter acting ones like alprazolam/xanax don't have very long half lives and have no active metabolites but the addiction comes harder a faster. It's a damned either way situation with benzos and the withdrawal is equal to, if not worse than opioid withdrawal. I've done both. To come off opioids less painfully I'd say a fast methadone reduction plan is the best way. Or you can try subetex as they're easier to get hold of. With benzos the best way to get off them is with diazepam taper. If you want good info on benzos look for Dr Ashtons publications online. The Ashton manual is good. It's by far the most well informed plan and info around. There's a lot of incorrect info online about benzos and it can be confusing seeing all the conflicting advice.

There's a drug calles L-theanine you might find helpful. It's not going to knock you out like benzos but many benzo lovers that had to quit have sung it's praises.

If you're just using the benzos to get off the opiods then 3 days on would be enough to get you through the worst of the opiod withdrawals. After 3 days you're generally on a road to recovery and each day improves from there. Sleep can be an issue but benzo sleep isn't quality sleep so your body will probably provide a more natural sleep on day 4 and 5. After that you'll be feeling more natural and exercise in some form or another will be enough to tire you out. You'll maybe sleep for shorter periods but it's something that will improve daily if you plug away at it with good practice and sleep habits.
 
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LifeHasNoOptIn

LifeHasNoOptIn

Worst Life Ever
Mar 31, 2022
169
Thanks so much for all this advice. This is exactly what I needed to hear. When the pain gets worse, I'll know it's just temporary.

I was actually thinking of going...

day 1) benzo
day 2) nothing
day 3) nytol (diphenhydramine)
day 4) nothing

...then repeat.

I've found that the less you take something, the more effective it is because your tolerance is less, so I'll basically have...

GOOD sleep (nytol) / MAYBE POOR drug-free sleep / GREAT sleep (benzo) / MAYBE POOR drug-free sleep - so I'll be taking the benzo every 4 days - SURELY you can't get addicted from that?!
That sounds like a solid plan and should keep the benzo effective without a tolerance or dependance issue hopefully. While I could only go so far with the hydro(I have some weird issue where there is a very small window for opiates before they cause an OD "mania" type state), the tolerance issue became a problem with the benzos as I found myself taking more and more to get the same feel good high I had at the start.

Its also good that you are keeping the nytol in check as well. It doesn't seem like something to worry about, but at one point I was taking Z-Quil(alcohol+diphenhydramine) daily for sleep and eventually wound up developing extreme allergy problems presumably from my body becoming dependent on the artificial antihistamine being used daily. I stopped using it and the allergy problems subsided within a fairly short period. I switched to melatonin and that served me well for awhile and I have been able to go without it for awhile now.
 
H

HopefulButPrepared

Member
Jun 22, 2022
49
That sounds like a solid plan and should keep the benzo effective without a tolerance or dependance issue hopefully. While I could only go so far with the hydro(I have some weird issue where there is a very small window for opiates before they cause an OD "mania" type state), the tolerance issue became a problem with the benzos as I found myself taking more and more to get the same feel good high I had at the start.

Its also good that you are keeping the nytol in check as well. It doesn't seem like something to worry about, but at one point I was taking Z-Quil(alcohol+diphenhydramine) daily for sleep and eventually wound up developing extreme allergy problems presumably from my body becoming dependent on the artificial antihistamine being used daily. I stopped using it and the allergy problems subsided within a fairly short period. I switched to melatonin and that served me well for awhile and I have been able to go without it for awhile now.
This is all very interesting - I have started to develop extreme nightmares from the Oxy - it feels like people are on me, digging their fingers and elbows into my ribs and legs, and I wake up shouting for help! And I don't really feel that euphoria any more - it's more just taking it so I stop feeling like shit. It sounds like I've got myself sorted just in time, before I end up full smack-head!

I was taking Nytol every day for 10 years - I was fat for the whole 10 years and couldn't weight train without worsening back and knee pain - anything that blocks histamine also blocks fat burning and injury repair in soft tissue.

I was also on mirtazapine/remeron for 2 years and that is like extreme nytol - it blocks histamine so extremely that you become morbidly obese very quickly, and I suspect it's what lead to the chronic pain due to soft tissue injury repair impairment. This is all speculation, but the doctors, pain clinic consultants, physiotherapists have been as useful as a chocolate teapot, so I've had to research and speculate all on my own.

Thanks so much for the info on your situation. It has been so much help. I will keep this thread open on my computer for the next few months, as I come off the Oxy.

I don't want to CTB. I just want the pain under control so I can get my life back!
 
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UpandDownPrincess

UpandDownPrincess

Warlock
Dec 31, 2019
776
If you want to come off your meds, please consult the Harm Reduction Guide to Coming Off Psychiatric Drugs put together by the NY Icarus Project. It is widely available on the web and is an excellent resource. It is copyright free, so you can download or look at it from anywhere.
 
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H

HopefulButPrepared

Member
Jun 22, 2022
49
If you want to come off your meds, please consult the Harm Reduction Guide to Coming Off Psychiatric Drugs put together by the NY Icarus Project. It is widely available on the web and is an excellent resource. It is copyright free, so you can download or look at it from anywhere.
I'm coming off pain killers, not Psychiatric Drugs.