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fuckthis

fuckthis

I've made up my mind.
Sep 23, 2018
264
I spend so much time on here I often forget how I found this site to begin with. It's a great forum that provides the best sort of escapism but as soon as I look at the URL or banner I am instantly reminded of what I intend to do. I can enjoy so much with you guys that I question why I'm suicidal in the first place and I hate it. I hate the constant back and forth inside of my head. It doesn't help at all with my mental health. Sometimes I feel as if I'm going insane, I spend so much time in isolation that I feel really out of touch with society. I literally struggle to keep up with most trends. I'm 16 going on 60 at times. I don't even know how to operate Snapchat, but I once saw a group of 11 year old girls taking selfies with their iPhones. It's bizarre. I didn't even have a phone until I was 13 and even then it was only for emergencies. I'm not necessarily poor, I just live a completely different life to most people my age and it can really get to me when it hits hard.

I've never really fitted in, and I know that's ok. But it really sucks when it feels like it isn't. It really sucks when I've never had any messages from anyone where I've been invited to something, or someone wishing me a happy birthday over text. The worst feeling in the world isn't realizing that you're a loner, it's when people acknowledge that you're a loner and you instantly feel out of place and unusual. It's when things take a turn for me. There were people in school who treated me nicely and acted as if I was friends with them. But they did it out of pity, deep down I knew they all realized I was a loser with no friends. I know they poked fun of me behind closed doors. Some people will never experience that feeling. You don't appreciate something until you've lost it and that's exactly what happened with me and friendships. I had one friend in high school and the teacher once told us to get into pairs of 4. However there only ended up being 2 of us in our 'group'. The teacher then decided too say "can one person from another group please join theirs" and no one volunteered. That was when things clicked for me. When everyone started to laugh. I'm ashamed to admit this. At this moment I was not embarassed, or upset. I was empty. I just stared into space whilst everyone laughed. My friend was embarrassed, but I had experienced it so much at that point that I did not care.

I do not like being suicidal. I've met people who have made their thoughts and problems their personality, where they almost enjoy telling others that they're depressed. By no means does that invalidate how they feel but when you actually get to a stage where you feel as if suicide is the only solution it's a thought process I wouldn't wish on anyone. I find it really hard to describe this feeling, but I feel as if I am slowly killing myself anyways despite the methods I'm researching and attempting. Eventually I feel as if I'll just disintegrate into nothing as it is.

When I wake up from a night of self loathing and I walk over to my bathroom mirror to wipe the crust away from my eyes I see someone who is weak. I see someone who I struggle to look at. I see disappointment and failure. My hair is so long it covers my eyes, my shitty beard makes me look homeless and the idea of that I swim in bacon grease is humorous to me as I look at my acne. 5 years ago i was considered a role model at my old school, now I could be mistaken for a downtown junkie that experiments regularly.

I'm going off onto a tangent again. It's 1 am and I forgot what point I was trying to make. I'm going to bed. This is a terrible vent and it's badly written. I might delete this I don't know, it literally gets no message across..
 
Last edited:
NumbItAll

NumbItAll

bleeding out
May 20, 2018
476
I can relate to this in that I've barely had friends and only hung out with friends a few times in my entire life. I'm in my mid-20s now and have lived in almost total isolation, outside of family and talking to people online, since high school. I only recently realized how much of an outcast I am and how lonely I really am.

There's definitely nothing fun about being suicidal. I hope you find what you're looking for. FWIW, you're a pretty good writer, lol.
 
Mr2005

Mr2005

Don't shoot the messenger, give me the gun
Sep 25, 2018
3,380
It creates feelings of total helplessness in me without the actual means to do it. By that I mean a means I'm comfortable with. I'm so tempted to do anything I can just to end it but I don't. It's not a choice anyone should have to make because assisted suicide should be optional. That would make living then feel like what I was choosing to do. I don't not jump in front of traffic because I want to live on the contrary I don't do it because I wouldn't want to survive it
 
agreement

agreement

Mage
Mar 26, 2018
544
Damn you're half my age. I admire your tenacity to keep writing. I either can't be bothered or just can't find the words.
Actually his young brain isn't yet reduced to mush by years and years of suffering, mental illness, antidepressant use and drugs and alcohol abuse.

BPDII and antidepressant have done wonders to my brain, I think my IQ is going to be finally halved if I don't hurry up to CTB.
 
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Reactions: Mr2005
DreamFreedom

DreamFreedom

Thane
Oct 3, 2018
68
I spend so much time on here I often forget how I found this site to begin with. It's a great forum that provides the best sort of escapism but as soon as I look at the URL or banner I am instantly reminded of what I intend to do. I can enjoy so much with you guys that I question why I'm suicidal in the first place and I hate it. I hate the constant back and forth inside of my head. It doesn't help at all with my mental health. Sometimes I feel as if I'm going insane, I spend so much time in isolation that I feel really out of touch with society. I literally struggle to keep up with most trends. I'm 16 going on 60 at times. I don't even know how to operate Snapchat, but I once saw a group of 11 year old girls taking selfies with their iPhones. It's bizarre. I didn't even have a phone until I was 13 and even then it was only for emergencies. I'm not necessarily poor, I just live a completely different life to most people my age and it can really get to me when it hits hard.

I've never really fitted in, and I know that's ok. But it really sucks when it feels like it isn't. It really sucks when I've never had any messages from anyone where I've been invited to something, or someone wishing me a happy birthday over text. The worst feeling in the world isn't realizing that you're a loner, it's when people acknowledge that you're a loner and you instantly feel out of place and unusual. It's when things take a turn for me. There were people in school who treated me nicely and acted as if I was friends with them. But they did it out of pity, deep down I knew they all realized I was a loser with no friends. I know they poked fun of me behind closed doors. Some people will never experience that feeling. You don't appreciate something until you've lost it and that's exactly what happened with me and friendships. I had one friend in high school and the teacher once told us to get into pairs of 4. However there only ended up being 2 of us in our 'group'. The teacher then decided too say "can one person from another group please join theirs" and no one volunteered. That was when things clicked for me. When everyone started to laugh. I'm ashamed to admit this. At this moment I was not embarassed, or upset. I was empty. I just stared into space whilst everyone laughed. My friend was embarrassed, but I had experienced it so much at that point that I did not care.

I do not like being suicidal. I've met people who have made their thoughts and problems their personality, where they almost enjoy telling others that they're depressed. By no means does that invalidate how they feel but when you actually get to a stage where you feel as if suicide is the only solution it's a thought process I wouldn't wish on anyone. I find it really hard to describe this feeling, but I feel as if I am slowly killing myself anyways despite the methods I'm researching and attempting. Eventually I feel as if I'll just disintegrate into nothing as it is.

When I wake up from a night of self loathing and I walk over to my bathroom mirror to wipe the crust away from my eyes I see someone who is weak. I see someone who I struggle to look at. I see disappointment and failure. My hair is so long it covers my eyes, my shitty beard makes me look homeless and the idea of that I swim in bacon grease is humorous to me as I look at my acne. 5 years ago i was considered a role model at my old school, now I could be mistaken for a downtown junkie that experiments regularly.

I'm going off onto a tangent again. It's 1 am and I forgot what point I was trying to make. I'm going to bed. This is a terrible vent and it's badly written. I might delete this I don't know, it literally gets no message across..
Dude this sucks a lot. If it's any consolation, you're such a decent guy to talk to, even if it's just about video games or pee stained carpets. I'm sure you know all of this already but suicide is only ever a last resort. If you ever forget your reasoning in the first place, maybe you have an alternative or something left worth living for. I want you to be sure any decision you make, you're 100% certain. I don't want you to doubt yourself. I am completely with you whatever happens also.
"High school" really is just a place filled with twats, I think every outsider feels the same way. I'm sorry you feel so bad when you see yourself; I think a lot of people here see the same things you do about themselves. But the photos I've seen are all pretty frickin beautiful. It's a shame we can't see beauty in ourselves, but that doesn't mean its not there. Picking out your flaws and faults is good for nothing. I thought maybe we're conditioned to dislike our appearances and hate who we are, so other people can show us how to love ourselves. Idk if that make sense. I'm sorry for all the crap going on in your head. Maybe we'll all feel better someday. Maybe not. Don't know where I was going with this. *yawn*
 
V

Voldmort

-
Sep 23, 2018
287
Hi, I've identified with almost every aspect you've covered. I'm sorry that it was so with you, with me and so many other people. as much as I say I read your threads and posts and that you contribute to this forum in a unique way; that I saw your photo and you are beautiful and that by identifying me by the impression that this text passed of your personality, I would be your friend in the school, this will not be enough to make you overcome the suffering you had. will not be enough, but maybe, along with some minimal actions, make you have the strength to keep walking. one of the minimum actions I seek to do is to verify how unique and incredible I am and it is up to us to seek strength from somewhere, even if it seems that your body can not stand it anymore.
sorry if eventually this has not changed anything at all in you, this may happen too.

im a suicidal and dont like this idea. i have so much dreams are unfortunately dying.