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motel rooms

motel rooms

So sodomitic.
Apr 13, 2021
5,947
Hi, my name is @hotelbeneathground, I'm 40, I suffer from C-PTSD & hypersexuality disorder (sex addiction) due to CSA (childhood sexual abuse) & I'm not sure I belong in the Recovery section. Not so long ago I was sure I was ready to ctb, but I ended up having a mini breakdown & starting a relationship with someone I thought was as doomed as me & would help me destroy myself. We got married instead. Our lives are still a mess, but I suppose I'm in love & I feel loved, so I kind of, sort of don't wanna die as much as I used to or whatever. Starting a thread in Recovery feels real weird, almost a bit humiliating, never thought it would come to this for me. :ahhha:

https://sanctioned-suicide.org/threads/i-hope-this-is-a-goodbye.73128/page-2#post-1326456
 
cambrai33

cambrai33

Traveller
Nov 3, 2021
386
Hi, my name is @hotelbeneathground, I'm 40, I suffer from C-PTSD & hypersexuality disorder (sex addiction) due to CSA (childhood sexual abuse) & I'm not sure I belong in the Recovery section. Not so long ago I was sure I was ready to ctb, but I ended up having a mini breakdown & starting a relationship with someone I thought was as doomed as me & would help me destroy myself. We got married instead. Our lives are still a mess, but I suppose I'm in love & I feel loved, so I kind of, sort of don't wanna die as much as I used to or whatever. Starting a thread in Recovery feels real weird, almost a bit humiliating, never thought it would come to this for me. :ahhha:

https://sanctioned-suicide.org/threads/i-hope-this-is-a-goodbye.73128/page-2#post-1326456
Personally I am really really happy for you both

To me this is the opposite of humiliation and a fantastic outcome

My best wishes to you
 
E

Eternal Oblivion

Member
Nov 23, 2021
77
I've been a lurker for a while and saw a loot of your posts, and you seemed to me like a likable person. It's a wonderful feeling to be accepted by someone you like being truly who you are, I've been there. Good luck and I hope that you can be happy.
 
motel rooms

motel rooms

So sodomitic.
Apr 13, 2021
5,947
Really awesome news! I'm glad for you and I really hope you will make the best possible recovery! :-) Didn't know you had already tied the knot. Congratulations! :-)

Thank you... Yeah, the knot is tied. Not quite the type of knot I ever thought life had in store for me. :hihi:

It's all so weird & it often feels like it's happening to someone else & I'm just observing it. I'm still the same person, I'm still tense, empty & perpetually horny, I still pop Xanax, I'm still quite bitter, I'm still a pessimist, I still keep almost everyone at arm's length by pretending I'm an eccentric who doesn't take anything seriously, the marriage has to be an open one because I can't stop being hypersexual & hubby's still a sex worker, I still have flashbacks & nightmares, he's still traumatized too & he drinks too much.

The other night it struck me that he & I have such a strong bond because it's so clear to us that we have absolutely nothing left to lose but each other. Nobody could possibly understand my life story & accept my many flaws but him & vice versa. He knows that I'm not repulsed by what he was forced to do to survive on the streets. I can cry in front of him like a helpless child & he doesn't think I'm weak, he still sees me as a man. He doesn't have to say anything, I feel it with every fiber of my being, & it's better than the best sex & drugs imaginable combined.
 
Idontrecognizemyself

Idontrecognizemyself

Thank you for listening
Oct 26, 2021
80
I always see your comments on posts and they make me laugh. As another hypersexual queer, it was encouraging for me to see you were such a well-loved member of this community. What a lovely story, I'm really glad to see you in Recovery. Blessings to you and your spouse. It's funny how things work out sometimes, huh. 💛
 
ImLosingMyGrip

ImLosingMyGrip

You may call me Cam, if you do so respectfully
Sep 16, 2021
17
Hi, my name is @hotelbeneathground, I'm 40, I suffer from C-PTSD & hypersexuality disorder (sex addiction) due to CSA (childhood sexual abuse) & I'm not sure I belong in the Recovery section. Not so long ago I was sure I was ready to ctb, but I ended up having a mini breakdown & starting a relationship with someone I thought was as doomed as me & would help me destroy myself. We got married instead. Our lives are still a mess, but I suppose I'm in love & I feel loved, so I kind of, sort of don't wanna die as much as I used to or whatever. Starting a thread in Recovery feels real weird, almost a bit humiliating, never thought it would come to this for me. :ahhha:

https://sanctioned-suicide.org/threads/i-hope-this-is-a-goodbye.73128/page-2#post-1326456
Its hard feeling like a sexual drive inside yourself is this endlessly hungry monster clawing at you, and its damn exhausting.
But if you are happy, you can join any community here you want. Because being here, ive learned that here is kind of a place you can be exactly who you want with no shame, and you dont need to be immediately flinging yourself off a bridge to be part of our family who just wants to....see this mess get better or clock the f**k out.
Congratulations on one big point in the good department and i hope it can grow to be long lasting and beneficial.
 
motel rooms

motel rooms

So sodomitic.
Apr 13, 2021
5,947
Super happy for you. I wish both of you the best.:heart::heart::heart::heart:
Hoping you can stay with us at least for awhile. :hug::hug::hug::hug:

Thank you... Oh, I'm not leaving SS any time soon, I'm still messed up & so is my husband. I've just decided to start this thread in Recovery because many members don't visit this section & talking about him too much in Off-Topic could be perceived as annoying & even hurtful bragging & gushing.
 
motel rooms

motel rooms

So sodomitic.
Apr 13, 2021
5,947
Very happy for you. I guess miracles of sorts happen now and then. Sometimes I think that all I ever wanted was someone to love. Wishing you the best.

Thank you. I spent more than 20 years longing to be truly intimate with another guy, but I couldn't bring myself to be vulnerable with anyone & tell them my gory story. I knew no one "normal" would be able to handle living with me, but I also always thought it would be pointless to pursue a relationship with someone as wounded as me. I guess one might consider my meeting my partner a minor miracle, but the lesson is probably that it's worth the risk to give another troubled person a chance. Of course, I'm very lucky that I'm able to work & earn enough money to support him. I'm not exactly thrilled that he still does sex work, but at least he can afford to pick his clients now & he's not nearly as depressed & dependent on alcohol to get him through his day as he used to be.
 
Flippy

Flippy

Felis Sapien
Jan 5, 2020
943
Thank you... Yeah, the knot is tied. Not quite the type of knot I ever thought life had in store for me. :hihi:

It's all so weird & it often feels like it's happening to someone else & I'm just observing it. I'm still the same person, I'm still tense, empty & perpetually horny, I still pop Xanax, I'm still quite bitter, I'm still a pessimist, I still keep almost everyone at arm's length by pretending I'm an eccentric who doesn't take anything seriously, the marriage has to be an open one because I can't stop being hypersexual & hubby's still a sex worker, I still have flashbacks & nightmares, he's still traumatized too & he drinks too much.

The other night it struck me that he & I have such a strong bond because it's so clear to us that we have absolutely nothing left to lose but each other. Nobody could possibly understand my life story & accept my many flaws but him & vice versa. He knows that I'm not repulsed by what he was forced to do to survive on the streets. I can cry in front of him like a helpless child & he doesn't think I'm weak, he still sees me as a man. He doesn't have to say anything, I feel it with every fiber of my being, & it's better than the best sex & drugs imaginable combined.
That's amazing! When reading your post the way you describe it kinda reminds me of Thunder Road by Bruce Springsteen. Or perhaps Livin' on a Prayer by Bon Jovi (Springsteen's Mini Me lol!). I don't know if it makes sense but I guess the basic sentiment is that together you can feel and become unstoppable. "A chance to make it good somehow..."

I guess things will feel surreal to begin with. When unexpectedly good things happen to me I get a similar feeling like I'm watching it from afar, but also within it too. I sometimes wonder if it's because times like that (rare as they have been) my senses are sorta capturing more than they normally would because the situation is just so good.

The great thing is that you know eachother's "flaws" so there's no need to hide from eachother. That's something more rare, I suspect, than it should be. I helps form a good solid foundation I think :-)

I'm sure you are familiar with Thunder Road but in case you aren't, here it is. Roll down that window and let the wind blow back your hair!

 
DocNo

DocNo

whatever
Oct 30, 2020
1,666
Thank you. I spent more than 20 years longing to be truly intimate with another guy, but I couldn't bring myself to be vulnerable with anyone & tell them my gory story. I knew no one "normal" would be able to handle living with me, but I also always thought it would be pointless to pursue a relationship with someone as wounded as me. I guess one might consider my meeting my partner a minor miracle, but the lesson is probably that it's worth the risk to give another troubled person a chance. Of course, I'm very lucky that I'm able to work & earn enough money to support him. I'm not exactly thrilled that he still does sex work, but at least he can afford to pick his clients now & he's not nearly as depressed & dependent on alcohol to get him through his day as he used to be.

yeah. also took me 20 years to open up, fearing that the things i kept to myself would make me totally vulnerable and repulsive which look now after letting it out far less "big". but i guess that's the problem with isolating yourself some way or another from others that you build up some scary images of yourself which you think will separate you from everybody else forever.

finally finding somebody to share my deepest thoughts and feelings also feels like a little miracle for me. i guess the life is full of risks anyways and it's the fear which kills us from the inside if we let the fear win and don't take sometimes the risk and let somebody in our lives.

anyways. wish you all the best and cu out there in some crazy threads about whatever comes to our minds ^^
 
motel rooms

motel rooms

So sodomitic.
Apr 13, 2021
5,947
I don't know if it makes sense but I guess the basic sentiment is that together you can feel and become unstoppable. "A chance to make it good somehow..."

It makes sense...

Well now, I'm no hero, that's understood
All the redemption I can offer is beneath this dirty hood
With a chance to make it good somehow
Hey, what else can we do now?

The great thing is that you know eachother's "flaws" so there's no need to hide from eachother. That's something more rare, I suspect, than it should be. I helps form a good solid foundation I think :-)

Yeah, everything's out in the open. We've seen each other at our most vulnerable. He's seen 30 years' worth of tears come out of my eyes in 3 days. I literally couldn't see anymore at one point, it was like an exorcism.
 
Flippy

Flippy

Felis Sapien
Jan 5, 2020
943
It makes sense...

Well now, I'm no hero, that's understood
All the redemption I can offer is beneath this dirty hood
With a chance to make it good somehow
Hey, what else can we do now?



Yeah, everything's out in the open. We've seen each other at our most vulnerable. He's seen 30 years' worth of tears come out of my eyes in 3 days. I literally couldn't see anymore at one point, it was like an exorcism.
It's one of my favourite lyrics from the song! :-) The thing about the song I like is that it's saying "neither of us are perfect but it doesn't matter, because together, the future becomes wide open with possibility."

I'm glad that you were able to "exorcise" those years of tears, get them into the external world and you don't need to keep them to yourself. Saying it's tough to keep them contained is a huge understatement. Processing things and having someone who will help you do that is more valuable than gold.

I really wish you both the absolute best! :-)
 
Angst Filled Fuck Up

Angst Filled Fuck Up

Super duper enlightened
Sep 9, 2018
1,704
This is all super gay, but I guess I'm happy for you. It does still feel like you have one foot out the door though. And if you do leave, there'll be trouble.

 
lostundead

lostundead

Student
Mar 18, 2021
127
Congrats and good luck on your path to recovery;

it'll be long and hard but you certainly don't lack experience with long and hard things so I'm sure you'll do fine (sorry).
 
motel rooms

motel rooms

So sodomitic.
Apr 13, 2021
5,947
it'll be long and hard but you certainly don't lack experience with long and hard things so I'm sure you'll do fine (sorry).

:haha::haha::haha:

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