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Pallf

I'm tired
Joined
May 27, 2018
Messages
207
So a lot of you here we're probably told that you were gifted, or smart, or maybe a wunderkind. And then possibly things started to fall apart. The same happened with me. I had math issues all through school, but I kept getting passed along and got to freshman year of college and the anxiety hits and the depression hits and I'm terrified of classes and I desperately need help so I go to therapy and while therapy helped some, I really needed more, but I'm not referred to a psych until April and then it's just game over. I have to pretend everything is fine and that I took a break from school or decided to transfer home, but I'm not ok. I'm devastated. Devasted at the amount of debt I owe, that I can't pass math no matter how hard I try, that I lost all my college friends, that I'm two years late on my degree, that I've lost the respect of my parents and everyone around me who thought I'd be something. I ended up being nothing but trash. I tried to do a medical withdrawal but I couldn't get the electronic form to save my answers and it just kept going blank every time I emailed it to my disability counselor. Is it even worth reaching out to my old school about this? I missed out on so many milestones that I looked forward to all my life.
I want to try and get better, I really really do, but it's so hard to convince myself that it will get better. Nothing has really shown me that it will. So yeah I don't think I'll make it to 30 and that would be a fitting end to this failed experiment called my life.
 
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timf

Arcanist
Joined
Mar 26, 2020
Messages
426
It sounds like you put your heart and soul into trying to live someone elses life. The frustration comes from trying to make yourself into the person for whom that life is a better fit.

Your parents may have also been deceived that the industrial educational conveyor belt was the only way for you to have a secure future. As a result, you may have to declare bankruptcy to clear the debt.

Someone who had bought into the "one size fits all" view of life may feel a failure if they fall off the conveyor belt. However, it can be a new beginning as all sorts of other possibilities become visible.

For example, life in a small town or even a rural area can be less costly (also income is lower) However, a slower pace of life and closer connections with people may prove to be worth it. The service industry (working in restaurants or stores) can provide a comfortable life as well.

In a way, it may be like Neo waking up in "The Matrix". You have a whole world of possibilities to explore to find what suits you. This can be scary and you can make mistakes, but it will still probably feel better that a square peg being pounded on to fit into a round hole.

One key element to discover on this new journey is what is it you enjoy. What satisfactions do you derive from work (ie. connections with people, solving puzzles, working alone, etc) This assessment can go a long way making the experimental forays into the wider world you are faced with more successful.
 
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Pallf

I'm tired
Joined
May 27, 2018
Messages
207
Yes. I don't know what I'm good at, or if what I'm good at is marketable. I'm noticing that I'm becoming more and more irritated by other people. It's stupid but say I post a picture of some bread I baked and no one decides to respond, but the same person posts their cat for the millionth time and it's just "oohs" and "says" and "what a beautiful bebe" and I'm just royally pissed. Don't get me wrong, I like cats, but I'd love for online friends to just acknowledge me and my accomplishments for once.
Yeah this is a ramble. I'm just devastated right now.
 
kovkay

kovkay

Experienced
Joined
Jun 29, 2020
Messages
244
I definitely feel you on the missing milestones part. I went to school a year earlier than you're supposed to and excelled in studies, until I started to fail classes in college. Turned to alcohol and harder drugs and ended up with a psychosis. Now two years later, most all my friends have graduated and are moving on to working in the industry or getting their Masters and I'm just here like oh well. Having done nothing in the past while, I'm thinking of going back to school, but I feel really behind and embarrassed about my situation.
 
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