Sep 12, 2020
In addition to the general hopelessness and despair, I am just realizing that I have failed the last therapy option that I had at least hoped would have some effect.

It is not the therapy, not the therapist, the problem is me, to be more precise the dissociation.

I guess I can add this therapy option to the long list of things that don't work out.

Honestly, I feel left to die, but it is not the people around me who are in any way to blame for my plight. It is the helplessness, of me and of everyone else, that will probably eventually finish me off.

There is simply nothing else that can help. How can it be that numerous therapies, medications, sports, healthy diet, everything does not help in the slightest?

Instead, the wall inside and around me only gets thicker.

I am so stupid and desperate to keep looking for help, while it does not exist.

What else am I supposed to do but take my own life? Why can't anyone understand that permanent, severe dissociation is not worth living? How long should I keep making excuses to drag it out? How much longer can I take it that there is simply nothing that can alleviate the dissociation or the agony, and it will go on and on, or get worse? How long should I keep looking for the help that does not exist?

I feel lost, trapped in a gap that is far too large.

How am I supposed to go on living if I don't feel like I exist? I am so tired of running into a wall all the time. I wish to finally smash my head in the process. If I don't manage to break out of this wall, I have to break into myself. I have tried to tolerate the wall, to accept it, to make friends with it, to ignore it, to fight it, but it does not retreat.

It hinders me from living, it drives me to death together with despair, hopelessness and pain.

I just can't deal with it. I am really too broken to be helped.


Wish that I was gone.
Sep 24, 2020
It really is such a cruel existence that brings people to this point. It sounds like you have suffered so much, it must be so tiring being trapped in this situation. I wish you freedom.