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achromatic

achromatic

hedgehog dilemma
Oct 18, 2022
142
Tried to ctb with SN on wednesday (week ago), but aborted the "attempt". Turns out I'm the moronic poster child of rhetoric "suicidal person doesn't really want to die" maybe, (feel free to laugh at me), but from the begining. I wish I had smashed my phone with hammer. In psych ward rn.
For obvious reasons I'm not really an reliable narrator after ingestion. Have my parents witness accounts xd doctors & nurses opinions and read med records a bit.
Before anyone asks - No, I wasn't trying to test anything, get demo version of sn death, any of that bullshit, was prepared to ctb, or so I thought.
What's the point of me telling that story ? As we say in my country I am whining or braging ? Neither. Venting maybe. This site feels like my safe space. Don't want to encourage, nor fear monger.
Why I didn't wrote goodbye post ? Well I wrote one in my head xd but I'm not well known here and wasn't sure if I would be able mentally to even attempt to attempt, so I didn't wanted to cry wolf. I unfortunetely never talked to many of you, outside from someone I love to chat in priv. I wish I were someone who is able to talk/write to people.
Blood tested SN week ago. Fasted for maybe 8 hours. Made sure I'm going to be alone for couple hours. Wrote short & sweet letter. Smoked "The last" ciggarette as a treat, which was a bad idea for someone who didn't smoke for few months, terrible anxiety & coughing fit.
I'm 56kg/169cm f. Not taking any sort of medicine normally. Took 2g of paracetamol and 330 mg of propranolol. Put 50 g of SN into a not full glass of water, it didn't dissolved completely. Put on stupid netflix show to make it feel casual. Easy peasy euthanasia. Wanted to resign, but thought of my disgusting self and my even more disgusting future, took a sip and then another. Small & careful. Just very salty. Short wave of nausea and the nothing.Not sure if I drank more, since doc are stubborn with 50 g but they were probably judging by the amout left in the box and methemoglobina only I guess.
Can't full blame that on SI as much as I would want to, in my understending of the term it's something much more primitive and instinctual - in my case it was an instant regret tm, before feeling any sort physical discomfort. Paced around the house. Tried to provoke the vomit, wasn't really able to. Supposidly vomited more but I don't remember.
Wasn't really blue faced, but pale- my lips slighty brownish. Called mom. Emergency number called me, slurred some nonsense while trying to climb upstairs and finish the drink, wasn't able to walk much, don't remeber dyspnea. Dignified much. Cops & firefighters arrived & ems did not for quite a while, took me a bit long to lose consciousness, around an hour. They had to send second team of ems - because they wanted the one with a doctor in it, I don't remember their arrival. Last thing I remember was saturation of 73% and being lead to sit by firefigther, to make me breath better. I don't remember ever experiecing pain.
Supposedly started to scream. Relanium. Had saizures in my house and in ambulance. My face was paper pale and my lips were swollen and purple and my neck was really swollen for some reason - any idea why my dearest armchair medicine specialists ? 😂- some short of cardio shock ??? My parents were told by doc at the local hospital that I took 5 times the lethal dose and that they'd be careful when talking about survival.
83,3% Methemoglobina at local hospital, (in toxycology on arrival they tested it as only 60% so xd) they didn't have methylene blue there so was transported to toxycology unit 1.5 h away. Was described as critical - my parents were told that they call them if I die. Methylene blue ofc. Wake up next morning intubated and on ventilator, know that they used dopamine iv and sedated me with propofol, had central venous cather. Cardiomonitor, cather, saturation, fluids, kcl - all the usual jam, don't remeber more sins. Upon waking up was privy to kinda funny (at least for me at the time ) conversation between doctors.
Doctor A - huh, good thing she used sodium nitrite, not sodium azide
Doctor B - head of ward - Don't say such thing in front of "that kind " of patient
Ohh the one they use in airbacks ?
And then they commented on my tight self harm scars, one of them didn't know what they were. Anyway felt completely healthy and dandy after fucking horrible extubation, only cold. Monitored me overnight at ICU and sended to psych ward on monday

Was yelled by another Doctor next day that he is sure that I' going to kill myself and next time Ill take kcn and die for sure and what I'm doing can be compared to lying on tracks and hoping train wont arrive
I Started smiling from stress, so he is confident I'm arrogant, mental idiot for sure. Fair enough.
Clearly not ready to die now. Will I use SN in the future ? Sure. Maybe. I don't know. I want to be dead without dying, take my consciousness away, pls
If I were the Sims 4 character I would be long dead from embarassment itself. I am cringing hard, hating myself, at that point not a clown but entire circus. Peed bright green, not really blue actually.
Otherwise completly emotionaly numb, couldn't cry even if I wanted to, so numb that if I were an edgy 13 yo I would self-diagnose with being a psychopath. Can't even feel guilit or fear, only sitting in back of my head, still waiting for my worst person on earth badge to arrive.
The broken flashing light in hospital bathroom & cold shower make for really indie horror game experience.
The code word is shame. I wish I had died. No health consequences, tho outside from psychic demage xd
 
Last edited:
Rocket

Rocket

Member
Oct 12, 2022
12
I'm so sorry you went through this intense journey and had some insensitive people like the doctor who yelled at you. Thank you for sharing your experience.

You are a beautiful soul and deserve compassion and love.

Take things one day at a time, that's what I'm doing too. Wishing you well and peace in all you choose to do. Big hug to you. :heart:
 
F

Forever Sleep

Earned it we have...
May 4, 2022
1,268
I'm so sorry. This sounds like a nightmarish scenario that I think we all dread. You've got nothing to prove or feel you need to excuse though. No one on here is obliged to kill themselves. None of us know how we're actually going to react when the time comes. We all know that thinking about it is very different to doing it.

Sounds like such a horrible experience in the hospital. I'm so sorry. There's no way you are the worst person on earth though. You were suffering so much that you wanted to end it but then got scared. Sounds a natural reaction to me. I hope you make a fast recovery.
 
G

grosz

Member
Sep 30, 2022
22
przykro mi jak to czytam, pewnie nie bedzie ci lepiej ani troche, ale mam nadzieje ze wyjdziesz ze szpitala szybko
narazie jedyne co mozesz robic to odpoczywac xd nie mysl o niczym odpowiadaj lekarzom jak npc i po prostu czekaj na swoje wyjscie
nie przejmuj sie zadnym cringem teraz, po prostu lez i czilluj poki mozesz XD, bo jak zakladam po jakims czasie wrocisz do szkoly czy cos
po prostu cziluj i rob cokolwiek co lubisz nw ogladaj jutuba albo netflixa cokolwiek aby zabic czas i nie myslec
jedyne co teraz musisz zrobic to zabic czas i nie myslec, trzymaj sie tego, a jakos przezyjesz ten pobyt w szpitalu xd
 
lachrymost

lachrymost

finger on the eject button
Oct 4, 2022
65
Is it wrong that I want to compliment you on your sense of humour? There are some clever asides here. Sorry to hear things went so poorly, but I'm glad there doesn't seem to be any lingering physical damage. Thanks for sharing your experience.
 
goodnighttime

goodnighttime

Member
Nov 18, 2022
23
Seems like quite the intense experience wow.. glad there's no permanent damage.. Curious, what was going through your head before you took SN?
 
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achromatic

achromatic

hedgehog dilemma
Oct 18, 2022
142
No thoughts head empty
Seems like quite the intense experience wow.. glad there's no permanent damage.. Curious, what was going through your head before you took SN?
Why take SN in your parents home? I’m sorry but that was kind of stupid. If you wanna ctb with SN, do it in a forest preserve or somewhere isolated
You are speaking to unemployed, broke, severly depressed ex uni student, my parents wouldn't be home for 6 h +Would die for sure if I didn't call my mom and she ems
No other choice was there -there is only small, full of walking parents with children mini "forest "nearby
 
Last edited:
WaveringLight

WaveringLight

pReTtY cOlOrS
Nov 7, 2022
82
Shit. That is one hellish experience. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'm sure once you felt instant regret everything felt like a blur from there. I hope the whole experience wasn't too traumatic long term, especially that doctor. I send my love to you. That psych ward must not be so fun.
 
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achromatic

achromatic

hedgehog dilemma
Oct 18, 2022
142
Shit. That is one hellish experience. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'm sure once you felt instant regret everything felt like a blur from there. I hope the whole experience wasn't too traumatic long term, especially that doctor. I send my love to you. That psych ward must not be so fun.
Ty 💜Yes, it was a blur - psych ward is psych ward flavored
 
K

knightxenon

Hope fading
Nov 5, 2022
17
You went through a lot...good to see you were saved bcs u weren't sure to go....was it painful after u took sn??
 
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B

bunniesrcool

Member
Nov 8, 2022
9
Im so sorry that sounds awful 😢
But I do want to know the tea about sodium azide 😬
 
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achromatic

achromatic

hedgehog dilemma
Oct 18, 2022
142
Nope
You went through a lot...good to see you were saved bcs u weren't sure to go....was it painful after u took sn??
There are threads here about it here - SA- pretty terrible way to go imao
 
NoLightRemains

NoLightRemains

The light of my life has waned
Sep 26, 2021
195
I'm sorry about your experience with the medical staff and the failed attempt. I hope things improve for you soon :heart:
 
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deathissosad

deathissosad

Member
Nov 17, 2022
68
Tried to ctb with SN on wednesday (week ago), but aborted the "attempt". Turns out I'm the moronic poster child of rhetoric "suicidal person doesn't really want to die" maybe, (feel free to laugh at me), but from the begining. I wish I had smashed my phone with hammer. In psych ward rn.
For obvious reasons I'm not really an reliable narrator after ingestion. Have my parents witness accounts xd doctors & nurses opinions and read med records a bit.
Before anyone asks - No, I wasn't trying to test anything, get demo version of sn death, any of that bullshit, was prepared to ctb, or so I thought.
What's the point of me telling that story ? As we say in my country I am whining or braging ? Neither. Venting maybe. This site feels like my safe space. Don't want to encourage, nor fear monger.
Why I didn't wrote goodbye post ? Well I wrote one in my head xd but I'm not well known here and wasn't sure if I would be able mentally to even attempt to attempt, so I didn't wanted to cry wolf. I unfortunetely never talked to many of you, outside from someone I love to chat in priv. I wish I were someone who is able to talk/write to people.
Blood tested SN week ago. Fasted for maybe 8 hours. Made sure I'm going to be alone for couple hours. Wrote short & sweet letter. Smoked "The last" ciggarette as a treat, which was a bad idea for someone who didn't smoke for few months, terrible anxiety & coughing fit.
I'm 56kg/169cm f. Not taking any sort of medicine normally. Took 2g of paracetamol and 330 mg of propranolol. Put 50 g of SN into a not full glass of water, it didn't dissolved completely. Put on stupid netflix show to make it feel casual. Easy peasy euthanasia. Wanted to resign, but thought of my disgusting self and my even more disgusting future, took a sip and then another. Small & careful. Just very salty. Short wave of nausea and the nothing.Not sure if I drank more, since doc are stubborn with 50 g but they were probably judging by the amout left in the box and methemoglobina only I guess.
Can't full blame that on SI as much as I would want to, in my understending of the term it's something much more primitive and instinctual - in my case it was an instant regret tm, before feeling any sort physical discomfort. Paced around the house. Tried to provoke the vomit, wasn't really able to. Supposidly vomited more but I don't remember.
Wasn't really blue faced, but pale- my lips slighty brownish. Called mom. Emergency number called me, slurred some nonsense while trying to climb upstairs and finish the drink, wasn't able to walk much, don't remeber dyspnea. Dignified much. Cops & firefighters arrived & ems did not for quite a while, took me a bit long to lose consciousness, around an hour. They had to send second team of ems - because they wanted the one with a doctor in it, I don't remember their arrival. Last thing I remember was saturation of 73% and being lead to sit by firefigther, to make me breath better. I don't remember ever experiecing pain.
Supposedly started to scream. Relanium. Had saizures in my house and in ambulance. My face was paper pale and my lips were swollen and purple and my neck was really swollen for some reason - any idea why my dearest armchair medicine specialists ? 😂- some short of cardio shock ??? My parents were told by doc at the local hospital that I took 5 times the lethal dose and that they'd be careful when talking about survival.
83,3% Methemoglobina at local hospital, (in toxycology on arrival they tested it as only 60% so xd) they didn't have methylene blue there so was transported to toxycology unit 1.5 h away. Was described as critical - my parents were told that they call them if I die. Methylene blue ofc. Wake up next morning intubated and on ventilator, know that they used dopamine iv and sedated me with propofol, had central venous cather. Cardiomonitor, cather, saturation, fluids, kcl - all the usual jam, don't remeber more sins. Upon waking up was privy to kinda funny (at least for me at the time ) conversation between doctors.
Doctor A - huh, good thing she used sodium nitrite, not sodium azide
Doctor B - head of ward - Don't say such thing in front of "that kind " of patient
Ohh the one they use in airbacks ?
And then they commented on my tight self harm scars, one of them didn't know what they were. Anyway felt completely healthy and dandy after fucking horrible extubation, only cold. Monitored me overnight at ICU and sended to psych ward on monday

Was yelled by another Doctor next day that he is sure that I' going to kill myself and next time Ill take kcn and die for sure and what I'm doing can be compared to lying on tracks and hoping train wont arrive
I Started smiling from stress, so he is confident I'm arrogant, mental idiot for sure. Fair enough.
Clearly not ready to die now. Will I use SN in the future ? Sure. Maybe. I don't know. I want to be dead without dying, take my consciousness away, pls
If I were the Sims 4 character I would be long dead from embarassment itself. I am cringing hard, hating myself, at that point not a clown but entire circus. Peed bright green, not really blue actually.
Otherwise completly emotionaly numb, couldn't cry even if I wanted to, so numb that if I were an edgy 13 yo I would self-diagnose with being a psychopath. Can't even feel guilit or fear, only sitting in back of my head, still waiting for my worst person on earth badge to arrive.
The broken flashing light in hospital bathroom & cold shower make for really indie horror game experience.
The code word is shame. I wish I had died. No health consequences, tho outside from psychic demage xd
Sorry for your experience. So to be clear you had no pain from the SN just SI kicked in for you? Other than nausea was it painful or scary at all?
 
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A

affinity

Member
Oct 8, 2021
52
Ty 💜Yes, it was a blur - psych ward is psych ward flavored

I guess one tiny comfort is that you still have your phone. Glad to hear there wasn’t any physical damage caused, but I’m sure those moments shortly after and while being looked after by med personnel were not good times. How are your parents - I’m sure that wasn’t an easy conversation after being stabilized.

You are an incredible writer btw…I couldn’t pull off the OP on my best of days. What were you taking while you were in school?
 
yuzuchan

yuzuchan

Member
Sep 9, 2022
40
Tried to ctb with SN on wednesday (week ago), but aborted the "attempt". Turns out I'm the moronic poster child of rhetoric "suicidal person doesn't really want to die" maybe, (feel free to laugh at me), but from the begining. I wish I had smashed my phone with hammer. In psych ward rn.
For obvious reasons I'm not really an reliable narrator after ingestion. Have my parents witness accounts xd doctors & nurses opinions and read med records a bit.
Before anyone asks - No, I wasn't trying to test anything, get demo version of sn death, any of that bullshit, was prepared to ctb, or so I thought.
What's the point of me telling that story ? As we say in my country I am whining or braging ? Neither. Venting maybe. This site feels like my safe space. Don't want to encourage, nor fear monger.
Why I didn't wrote goodbye post ? Well I wrote one in my head xd but I'm not well known here and wasn't sure if I would be able mentally to even attempt to attempt, so I didn't wanted to cry wolf. I unfortunetely never talked to many of you, outside from someone I love to chat in priv. I wish I were someone who is able to talk/write to people.
Blood tested SN week ago. Fasted for maybe 8 hours. Made sure I'm going to be alone for couple hours. Wrote short & sweet letter. Smoked "The last" ciggarette as a treat, which was a bad idea for someone who didn't smoke for few months, terrible anxiety & coughing fit.
I'm 56kg/169cm f. Not taking any sort of medicine normally. Took 2g of paracetamol and 330 mg of propranolol. Put 50 g of SN into a not full glass of water, it didn't dissolved completely. Put on stupid netflix show to make it feel casual. Easy peasy euthanasia. Wanted to resign, but thought of my disgusting self and my even more disgusting future, took a sip and then another. Small & careful. Just very salty. Short wave of nausea and the nothing.Not sure if I drank more, since doc are stubborn with 50 g but they were probably judging by the amout left in the box and methemoglobina only I guess.
Can't full blame that on SI as much as I would want to, in my understending of the term it's something much more primitive and instinctual - in my case it was an instant regret tm, before feeling any sort physical discomfort. Paced around the house. Tried to provoke the vomit, wasn't really able to. Supposidly vomited more but I don't remember.
Wasn't really blue faced, but pale- my lips slighty brownish. Called mom. Emergency number called me, slurred some nonsense while trying to climb upstairs and finish the drink, wasn't able to walk much, don't remeber dyspnea. Dignified much. Cops & firefighters arrived & ems did not for quite a while, took me a bit long to lose consciousness, around an hour. They had to send second team of ems - because they wanted the one with a doctor in it, I don't remember their arrival. Last thing I remember was saturation of 73% and being lead to sit by firefigther, to make me breath better. I don't remember ever experiecing pain.
Supposedly started to scream. Relanium. Had saizures in my house and in ambulance. My face was paper pale and my lips were swollen and purple and my neck was really swollen for some reason - any idea why my dearest armchair medicine specialists ? 😂- some short of cardio shock ??? My parents were told by doc at the local hospital that I took 5 times the lethal dose and that they'd be careful when talking about survival.
83,3% Methemoglobina at local hospital, (in toxycology on arrival they tested it as only 60% so xd) they didn't have methylene blue there so was transported to toxycology unit 1.5 h away. Was described as critical - my parents were told that they call them if I die. Methylene blue ofc. Wake up next morning intubated and on ventilator, know that they used dopamine iv and sedated me with propofol, had central venous cather. Cardiomonitor, cather, saturation, fluids, kcl - all the usual jam, don't remeber more sins. Upon waking up was privy to kinda funny (at least for me at the time ) conversation between doctors.
Doctor A - huh, good thing she used sodium nitrite, not sodium azide
Doctor B - head of ward - Don't say such thing in front of "that kind " of patient
Ohh the one they use in airbacks ?
And then they commented on my tight self harm scars, one of them didn't know what they were. Anyway felt completely healthy and dandy after fucking horrible extubation, only cold. Monitored me overnight at ICU and sended to psych ward on monday

Was yelled by another Doctor next day that he is sure that I' going to kill myself and next time Ill take kcn and die for sure and what I'm doing can be compared to lying on tracks and hoping train wont arrive
I Started smiling from stress, so he is confident I'm arrogant, mental idiot for sure. Fair enough.
Clearly not ready to die now. Will I use SN in the future ? Sure. Maybe. I don't know. I want to be dead without dying, take my consciousness away, pls
If I were the Sims 4 character I would be long dead from embarassment itself. I am cringing hard, hating myself, at that point not a clown but entire circus. Peed bright green, not really blue actually.
Otherwise completly emotionaly numb, couldn't cry even if I wanted to, so numb that if I were an edgy 13 yo I would self-diagnose with being a psychopath. Can't even feel guilit or fear, only sitting in back of my head, still waiting for my worst person on earth badge to arrive.
The broken flashing light in hospital bathroom & cold shower make for really indie horror game experience.
The code word is shame. I wish I had died. No health consequences, tho outside from psychic demage xd
Forgive me if I read this wrong but to me this sounds like sn does disapoint.

I'm glad you were saved since you didn't want to go and jt sounds like a hellish exprince but sn is my choice of method and the fact you drank 50g or near?
Am I wrong did I read jt wrong forgive me and stayed aware for so long has honestly freaked me out
 
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E

Esc9434

Student
Feb 25, 2020
189
What country you from?

I hope not America.

I'm glad you are alive, but the medical bills (if America) 😬.

Regardless of country, maybe this will be a shock to the system that you want to live?

That is all that matters.
 
FuneralCry

FuneralCry

She dreams of eternal sleep
Sep 24, 2020
16,696
That sounds like a really horrible experience what you went through but I can imagine that it must be a relief having no permanent damage. I wish you the best.
 
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Cathy Ames

Cathy Ames

Ephemeral Machine
Mar 11, 2022
1,780
if I were an edgy 13 yo I would self-diagnose with being a psychopath. Can't even feel guilit or fear, only sitting in back of my head, still waiting for my worst person on earth badge to arrive.
I think it's more like you are in SHOCK than anything else. That entire experience sounds very traumatic, and you did come close to dying (what with the 1.5 hour delay before methylene blue and such high methemoglobin%, needing a ventilator, etc). Please try be kind to yourself and give yourself a break. It looks to me like all of this can be boiled down to your wanting to take away your suffering, which is basically a NORMAL desire, not psychopathic and all this other stuff. You deserve to feel better, and I hope there is a way for that to happen while you stay alive.
 
Sunset Limited

Sunset Limited

I believe in Sunset Limited
Jul 29, 2019
968
I think you've experienced the worst thing a human can experience. It is very hard to face SI, to live with it every day. Caught between life and death. Sory and hugs.
 
yuzuchan

yuzuchan

Member
Sep 9, 2022
40
How much did you actaully end up drinking you seemed to be awake for way to long its scary
 
HarmedVessel

HarmedVessel

Tortured By Myself This Life is Hell
Nov 5, 2022
169
I'm really sorry for your experience, it sounds like it was beyond awful. You definitely do not get the worst person on earth title although I understand that the guilt can feel all consuming when it comes to the desire and action of ending your pain. I strongly hope that the painfulness of this situation subsides for you considering how exhausted you must be from it all.
 
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F

fayth2567

Member
Oct 18, 2022
27
How long was the time frame between when you took SN and called your mom?
 
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