• Hey Visitor,

    In light of recent events, all community members in the US should reach out to their representative in regards to the Stop Online Suicide Assistance Forums Act that has been introduced in congress. This bill, if passed, could criminalize this community and hold it liable for simply hosting information.

    You should be able to locate and contact your represenative by going to this website. You can also contact Lori Trahan, the one spearheading this bill by calling her office at (202) 225-3411 or by leaving a message on the contact form on her site.

    One of the best ways to combat this is to make your voice heard. We're not political activists, but we made this notice to let you know that you do have a voice and that you do have representives that represent you in congress.
Rounded Apathy

Rounded Apathy

Longing to return to stardust
Aug 8, 2022
728
Your pfp is familiar; I have noticed you around. You weren't invisible before now.
You're not a bad person for any of the following:
  • being so in pain you wanted to die
  • actively trying to stop the pain that way
  • making an effort to get yourself saved after attempting
  • the shit the medical workers are subjecting you to while in their "care"
  • feeling the way you described afterward (i.e. not feeling much)
  • whatever happens after the fact
All of this was beyond you. People in general, especially here, fancy themselves masters of their own destiny or wish they could be, but the truth is there's a whole universe and the infinity of time behind everything that happens. We have as much agency and autonomy as a bacterium or a cloud, really.

I hope you receive kinder treatment from now and are freed soon. And that everything after that is better for you :heart:

PS. the in/extubation, eugh. That is honestly the main thing I wouldn't want to deal with were I to fail SN. None of the rest would be fun, but that...🤮 Did they not sedate you? Or did it not matter?
 
LookingOverTheEdge

LookingOverTheEdge

Member
Jul 13, 2020
69
I’m so sorry you have had to go through this. The mental health system is so broken and I feel does as much harm as good.
Do not be hard on yourself. You are not a failure. You fought, that took strength. Strength I’m not sure I would have.
I hope you can be at least a little kind to yourself, and I truly hope the world turns and things could go just a little bit your way for a change. I wish you the best
 
achromatic

achromatic

hedgehog dilemma
Oct 18, 2022
142
How long was the time frame between when you took SN and called your mom?
Max 15 min
PS. the in/extubation, eugh. That is honestly the main thing I wouldn't want to deal with were I to fail SN. None of the rest would be fun, but that...🤮 Did they not sedate you? Or did it not matter
They sedated me with propofol, ( I may remeber it incorrecty, so take it with a grain of salt (pun intented) but a nurse blocked the flow on accident for a moment ) thank you for your kind words
@yuzuchan Unclear - I have 50g written in med reports, but in my memory only three small sips of concentrated solution, so far far less
You are an incredible writer btw…I couldn’t pull off the OP on my best of days. What were you taking while you were in school?
Bio-chem in hs, then pharm
Always loved English and Polish the most in school
What country you from?
I mentioned it here before couple times so I'm not going to make it a secret, I'm Polish
What went through your head?
Not much - I was weirdly calm- single thought - " I don't want to die right now "
(Felt euphoria when preparing pills, tho) Before the attempt I was hesistant, because I have unusualy little life experience, even for my age and that made me feel regretful - never studying medicine or even neurobiology ( If I'll never menage to get into med) in uni, never feeling loved or wanted, never having friends, never reading thousands books on my to read list or learning thrid language, not being more kind and warm to my family/strangers - my life isn't tragic per se - it's empty and made of clay
Btw thank you all for being so understending and kind to me - not that I expected less from sasu

Everything looked a bit like that episode from the Bojack horseman- the view from halfway down - just my phone wasn't imaginary, but now I feel back to the square one
 
Last edited:
L

letsmakeitagoodworl

Member
Sep 25, 2022
31
Why take SN in your parents home? I’m sorry but that was kind of stupid. If you wanna ctb with SN, do it in a forest preserve or somewhere isolated
Jeezy why be so awful?!?! OP already obviously feels terrible. Some people feel safer like... dying in a familiar known environment (its called psychology). I can't get over why you'd comment this on a suicide forum, pep feel shit enough as it is
 
NeverReallyHere

NeverReallyHere

Member
Mar 15, 2021
57
Can't full blame that on SI as much as I would want to, in my understending of the term it's something much more primitive and instinctual - in my case it was an instant regret tm, before feeling any sort physical discomfort.

You don't need pain or discomfort for SI to kick in; just the realisation of imminent death is enough. Don't feel bad that billions of years of evolution got the better of you.
 
Pluto

Pluto

Meowing to go out
Dec 27, 2020
1,860
This sounds like an awful situation and I hope you are safe from all the chaos right now.

Your account is presented with an extraordinary recollection of technical details, yet a cheeky humour that reminds me of the titans of sitcom from my youth (Friends, etc.). And now it turns out that English isn't your native language. You have a remarkable mind and personality.

Now that you are here, it's an opportunity to step outside of the noise of the outside world and see what choices you would like to make moving forward. It's OK to ask for help if you need support, and you don't owe anyone anything.

The only reason I am still here is because I hope to experience love in some meaningful form before I die. I hope you get to know the feeling of being loved too. You are certainly worthy.
 
A

affinity

Member
Oct 8, 2021
45
Bio-chem in hs, then pharm
Always loved English and Polish the most in school

because I have unusualy little life experience, even for my age and that made me feel regretful - never studying medicine or even neurobiology ( If I'll never menage to get into med) in uni, never feeling loved or wanted, never having friends, never reading thousands books on my to read list or learning thrid language, not being more kind and warm to my family/strangers - my life isn't tragic per se - it's empty and made of clay

Bio chem is one of the hardest courses uni science students first encounter. I’ve spoken to doctors/veterinarians/pharmacists who still insist to this day it was the hardest course they ever took and yet…this was your major in hs. I’m not familiar with how students in your country gain entry to professional degrees such as pharm/medicine etc, but if you were excelling in that area in hs, the odds of you doing well (at least in terms of handling the material, succeeding in uni requires many things to go right) in uni are pretty good.

It sounds to me like you’re being wayyyy too hard on yourself. I also suspect you’re overestimating the life experiences your peers have had up until this point. There are literally millions of people your age who haven’t made real friends or haven’t have a bona fide & healthy romantic relationship. Don’t fall for what is shared on social media or even in person. I can speak from experience that when someone drones on RE how great their rltp is, that’s usually a major red flag, especially in younger people.

I am not sure what happened to cause you to leave uni (you don’t have to share if you’re not comfortable), but it’s obvious you’re very bright and capable. If it were me, I’d use this time to rest up/heal and figure out what it is that I really want to do. Don’t feel like you need to force yourself to go back to school to pursue a major you’re not reasonably sure of or you’re simply pursuing to make others happy. I know A LOT of people who pursued medicine/law/engineering because they were only trying to making their parents happy, thought it would make them attractive to the opposite sex, they simply didn’t know what else to do or they were too scared to pursue what they actually wanted.
 
A

Amccorm2

Member
Nov 7, 2022
48
@achromatic thank you so much for sharing your account and personal experience. It makes for fantastic reading when coupled with your dry but sharp sense of humour.

The comment about sodium azide really caught my attention and having researching the topic for a couple of days I can say I'm genuinely considering it now over SN, simply due to it's lack of a known antidote. I love the thought that I could ingest a similar amount of SA to SN and be gone faster and without chance of being saved. You must thank that doctor for me.

Lastly, you should not torture yourself for not wanting to go right now. It's your choice and there's no shame in changing your mind or underestimating SI.
 
locked*n*loaded

locked*n*loaded

Visionary
Apr 15, 2022
2,500
I think what truly comes out of this entire experience is that you really don't want to die, at least not right now. There's nothing wrong with that. What matters is you survived this (as you really wanted to, as evidenced by your actions) and can go on (if you choose) and see if you can recover if that's what you want. You lived to die another day. Take it for what it is. Go live for a while and see where it takes you.
 
DeathBecomesMe_2021

DeathBecomesMe_2021

Merry Crapmas and a Happy Blue Year
Oct 16, 2021
205
Why take SN in your parents home? I’m sorry but that was kind of stupid. If you wanna ctb with SN, do it in a forest preserve or somewhere isolated
It appears you’re lacking in emotional intelligence and insight to say something like that on this thread or pretty much anywhere on SS. People like you eventually get banned. So who’s the stupid one here?
 
  • Like
Reactions: achromatic
L

letsmakeitagoodworl

Member
Sep 25, 2022
31
You don't need pain or discomfort for SI to kick in; just the realisation of imminent death is enough. Don't feel bad that billions of years of evolution got the better of you.
Exactly. SI is not about feeling ill, knowing death is coming is more then enough. Think about it this way (different but hits a few points).. people know bunjy jumping is relatively safe, as in you'd be v unfortunate for it to go wrong. When you organize the jump you think youl be sweet... you just need to jump. But standing up there is a whole new situation from booking it on the ground, suddenly your body is looking at a drop that in all of history would kill them & even with the logical knowledge it won't kill you, alot of people still cant jump. With actual suicde it's a bit like that but on steroids. Your entire body is primed for surviving, mentally your up against millions of years of good evolution (since our species still exists SI has been sucessful). It doesn't say anything about you other then your body wants to live even if your mind doesn't x
 
O

oneeyed

Member
Oct 11, 2022
29
Glad you aren't suffering from permanent damage due to the attempt. I have fair bit of permanent physical damage to myself from my failed attempt so I know how much it sucks being reminded of it everyday. I can only hope things turn around for the better for you, whether that's ctb or not.
 
Sysiphos

Sysiphos

-
Nov 23, 2022
9
I'm so sorry. I'm new here. What is 'SI'?
I thought it 'Serious injury' but now I think might not be right.
Doctor A - huh, good thing she used sodium nitrite, not sodium azide
Love this one. Thank you for your report, I am sorry it happened to you, SI is a bitch.
 
C

CannotAnymore

Member
Apr 29, 2022
54
The mental health profession is broken. Death is a very real thing and what you described was survival instinct. It manifests in many ways...

I'm sorry you were shamed by people who shouldn't do that.

You are a unique individual despite similarities with others. Wanting to not be alive is a very real and very painful feeling. Even if you turned back at the last minute, you made it this far.

I'm sorry.
 
D

DeathDueToDysphoria

I love women so much, I wish I was one :(
Apr 19, 2022
1,423
Glad you aren't suffering from permanent damage due to the attempt. I have fair bit of permanent physical damage to myself from my failed attempt so I know how much it sucks being reminded of it everyday. I can only hope things turn around for the better for you, whether that's ctb or not.
did you attempt with SN? I am sorry you went through all of this :(
 
hope'less'girl

hope'less'girl

Happy Unbirthday
Oct 12, 2021
400
Tried to ctb with SN on wednesday (week ago), but aborted the "attempt". Turns out I'm the moronic poster child of rhetoric "suicidal person doesn't really want to die" maybe, (feel free to laugh at me), but from the begining. I wish I had smashed my phone with hammer. In psych ward rn.
For obvious reasons I'm not really an reliable narrator after ingestion. Have my parents witness accounts xd doctors & nurses opinions and read med records a bit.
Before anyone asks - No, I wasn't trying to test anything, get demo version of sn death, any of that bullshit, was prepared to ctb, or so I thought.
What's the point of me telling that story ? As we say in my country I am whining or braging ? Neither. Venting maybe. This site feels like my safe space. Don't want to encourage, nor fear monger.
Why I didn't wrote goodbye post ? Well I wrote one in my head xd but I'm not well known here and wasn't sure if I would be able mentally to even attempt to attempt, so I didn't wanted to cry wolf. I unfortunetely never talked to many of you, outside from someone I love to chat in priv. I wish I were someone who is able to talk/write to people.
Blood tested SN week ago. Fasted for maybe 8 hours. Made sure I'm going to be alone for couple hours. Wrote short & sweet letter. Smoked "The last" ciggarette as a treat, which was a bad idea for someone who didn't smoke for few months, terrible anxiety & coughing fit.
I'm 56kg/169cm f. Not taking any sort of medicine normally. Took 2g of paracetamol and 330 mg of propranolol. Put 50 g of SN into a not full glass of water, it didn't dissolved completely. Put on stupid netflix show to make it feel casual. Easy peasy euthanasia. Wanted to resign, but thought of my disgusting self and my even more disgusting future, took a sip and then another. Small & careful. Just very salty. Short wave of nausea and the nothing.Not sure if I drank more, since doc are stubborn with 50 g but they were probably judging by the amout left in the box and methemoglobina only I guess.
Can't full blame that on SI as much as I would want to, in my understending of the term it's something much more primitive and instinctual - in my case it was an instant regret tm, before feeling any sort physical discomfort. Paced around the house. Tried to provoke the vomit, wasn't really able to. Supposidly vomited more but I don't remember.
Wasn't really blue faced, but pale- my lips slighty brownish. Called mom. Emergency number called me, slurred some nonsense while trying to climb upstairs and finish the drink, wasn't able to walk much, don't remeber dyspnea. Dignified much. Cops & firefighters arrived & ems did not for quite a while, took me a bit long to lose consciousness, around an hour. They had to send second team of ems - because they wanted the one with a doctor in it, I don't remember their arrival. Last thing I remember was saturation of 73% and being lead to sit by firefigther, to make me breath better. I don't remember ever experiecing pain.
Supposedly started to scream. Relanium. Had saizures in my house and in ambulance. My face was paper pale and my lips were swollen and purple and my neck was really swollen for some reason - any idea why my dearest armchair medicine specialists ? 😂- some short of cardio shock ??? My parents were told by doc at the local hospital that I took 5 times the lethal dose and that they'd be careful when talking about survival.
83,3% Methemoglobina at local hospital, (in toxycology on arrival they tested it as only 60% so xd) they didn't have methylene blue there so was transported to toxycology unit 1.5 h away. Was described as critical - my parents were told that they call them if I die. Methylene blue ofc. Wake up next morning intubated and on ventilator, know that they used dopamine iv and sedated me with propofol, had central venous cather. Cardiomonitor, cather, saturation, fluids, kcl - all the usual jam, don't remeber more sins. Upon waking up was privy to kinda funny (at least for me at the time ) conversation between doctors.
Doctor A - huh, good thing she used sodium nitrite, not sodium azide
Doctor B - head of ward - Don't say such thing in front of "that kind " of patient
Ohh the one they use in airbacks ?
And then they commented on my tight self harm scars, one of them didn't know what they were. Anyway felt completely healthy and dandy after fucking horrible extubation, only cold. Monitored me overnight at ICU and sended to psych ward on monday

Was yelled by another Doctor next day that he is sure that I' going to kill myself and next time Ill take kcn and die for sure and what I'm doing can be compared to lying on tracks and hoping train wont arrive
I Started smiling from stress, so he is confident I'm arrogant, mental idiot for sure. Fair enough.
Clearly not ready to die now. Will I use SN in the future ? Sure. Maybe. I don't know. I want to be dead without dying, take my consciousness away, pls
If I were the Sims 4 character I would be long dead from embarassment itself. I am cringing hard, hating myself, at that point not a clown but entire circus. Peed bright green, not really blue actually.
Otherwise completly emotionaly numb, couldn't cry even if I wanted to, so numb that if I were an edgy 13 yo I would self-diagnose with being a psychopath. Can't even feel guilit or fear, only sitting in back of my head, still waiting for my worst person on earth badge to arrive.
The broken flashing light in hospital bathroom & cold shower make for really indie horror game experience.
The code word is shame. I wish I had died. No health consequences, tho outside from psychic demage xd
Thank you for sharing this. Sending some a warm virtual hug your way <3
 
yuzuchan

yuzuchan

Member
Sep 9, 2022
39
@achromatic achro
First of all thank you for your replay. For personal reasons I have to take my sn soon I was meant to take it at the end of last month but backed at myself however I only have a limited time frame to do it and I don't know how short it is but this isn't the time to get into my story

Your thread really freaked me out so thanks for replaying secondly could you describe how you felt more after taking it and how it felt blacking out.

I'm trying to mentally prepare my self as I may have no option since I've waited to long then to do it at home though I'm aiming to do anything but that but again personal reasons are going to work against me very soon I just don't know when.

Incase I am pushed to have to do it that way I've read good bye threads everywhere but you exprinced it so long I'm curious.

Sorry if this deducts from your thread and I am wishing you all the best and hope you can find more love and joy in life
 
achromatic

achromatic

hedgehog dilemma
Oct 18, 2022
142
@achromatic achro
First of all thank you for your replay. For personal reasons I have to take my sn soon I was meant to take it at the end of last month but backed at myself however I only have a limited time frame to do it and I don't know how short it is but this isn't the time to get into my story

Your thread really freaked me out so thanks for replaying secondly could you describe how you felt more after taking it and how it felt blacking out.

I'm trying to mentally prepare my self as I may have no option since I've waited to long then to do it at home though I'm aiming to do anything but that but again personal reasons are going to work against me very soon I just don't know when.

Incase I am pushed to have to do it that way I've read good bye threads everywhere but you exprinced it so long I'm curious.

Sorry if this deducts from your thread and I am wishing you all the best and hope you can find more love and joy in life
Dear @yuzuchan
In my memory I took only a semi tiny amount (unreliable but still) didn't experienced any pain and dyspnea at all, even tho was emancipating it, just problems walking and speaking clearly or in sentences, slurring words, then nothing. I also don't recon panic as in physical sense, maybe propranolol helped a lot, tho it must have happened at later stage - mentioned in original post screaming (but I didn't wanted to die rn and was probably dazed and confused, they were trying to keep me awake and constant questioning, maybe I would go to "sleep" calmly earlier otherwise). Seizures that I had I don't remember so it was not peacefull only for witnesses.
If I'll ever kill myself I'll use SN again, unless ofc I get my grabby, little hands on pentobarbital (N)
I'm so sorry it came to this to you and that you have to go so soon and wish you calm and easy passing if that's the best solution for you 💜
*With blacking out it's exactly like blacking out from alcohol or falling asleep - you don't remember the precise moment.
I experienced it for long, because cops were talking to me nonstop and not letting me night, night, also in all probability took way too little, I have no reliable way to check how much exactly. Have 50g written in charts, but I call bullshit - it was only amount gone from the box. 330 mg of propranolol for sure.
*I was calm, really i know it's hard to believe - just wanted my undo button, so tried to provoke vomit, then called.
No thoughts, head empty - but I'm usualy numb emotionaly during crisis. Lots of love and best wishes to you and anyone choosing this or other method.
So tl;dr chicken - AC was too scared to die, more set on dying people might react other way.
As a not so fun fuckt my father told me that he saw people with better skin color during open casket funerals - duh, they got makeup artist working on them, not nurses.
If I'll ever get out of menthol hospital exile, aka baby jail aka school detention and time out - I'll translate my toxycology raport for you all (ofc without any places, names etc)
Also sorry that I basically only repeated original post, that's not very helpfull from air conditioning
 
Last edited:
  • Hugs
Reactions: DeathBecomesMe_2021
C

conflagration

Member
Jul 29, 2022
51
never feeling loved or wanted, never having friends, never reading thousands books on my to read list or learning thrid language, not being more kind and warm to my family/strangers - my life isn't tragic per se - it's empty and made of clay
I think you should give yourself time. I had my first girlfriend at age 27, and I had no friends for a very long time. Group therapy helps a little bit in this department as you learn how to interact with people.
 
  • Love
Reactions: achromatic
achromatic

achromatic

hedgehog dilemma
Oct 18, 2022
142
I think you should give yourself time. I had my first girlfriend at age 27, and I had no friends for a very long time. Group therapy helps a little bit in this department as you learn how to interact with people.
I've turned 20 few months ago and felt despair, over living for so long. I'll try to do just that, dying is not going anywhere - since we don't have Sisyphus
 
Last edited:
achromatic

achromatic

hedgehog dilemma
Oct 18, 2022
142
Thanks again for your replay it means more then you know
I'm " happy" to hear that 💜
New info - my mom found my glass and down the sink it went, it was indeed only few (two or three) sippy sips
Not gulps, by any means
- while I was also very aware that thats it for many people (since clinicans based on cyanide poisoning treatment estimated 2-2.6g as lethal potential for homo not necessary sapiens) and would be also for me - I would make for a shitty lab rat, dying from such a small
dose
My Lowest GCS was 4 btw
 
Last edited:
Judy Garland

Judy Garland

HoHum
Mar 23, 2022
753
What do you mean you started to scream? Did you do this on purpose? Was it involuntary? I'm worried that if this happens with SN, then my neighbors will be alerted.
 
achromatic

achromatic

hedgehog dilemma
Oct 18, 2022
142
Not on purpose, don't remember it
What do you mean you started to scream? Did you do this on purpose? Was it involuntary? I'm worried that if this happens with SN, then my neighbors will be alerted.
Was only told I screamed