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nzdarkshark

nzdarkshark

The Loved Mistake
Sep 4, 2018
401
I don't care if no one sees this or cares about it I just need to vent.

I am such a failure as a friend, as a person.
I'm pushing everyone away; my friends, my family, my girlfriend. Everyone.
Everyday I get worse and lie and tell people what they want to hear so an argument doesn't occur.
My friend got mad at me because he says he doesn't know if anything I say he can trust.
I think everyone knows I'm going to leave eventually they just don't want to lose me. I don't know why. The only thing that would be lost is any creative talent I have.
My school work's grades are slowly declining as I lose energy and motivation.
I just want to cry and ctb. People would miss me and my death would break so many people. I can't even get myself to pass out I'm just so fed up with life and myself I just want to be free from myself. I don't have access to alcohol or drugs due to my age and I just don't know. I just want to go. To disappear. To go.
People deserve so much better than I could ever give them.
I don't understand why people want me to stay.
 
MEoDP

MEoDP

Specialist
Sep 2, 2018
347
That's what's annoying. People will hate you for being unproductive,but in turn will absolutely oppose the idea of you exercising your right to die. Even when you're trying to be considerate by not being a leech,they instead still refuse to understand you and force you to do shit the hard way.
 
nzdarkshark

nzdarkshark

The Loved Mistake
Sep 4, 2018
401
I feel so out of it from trying to close up my throat arteries to pass out (and not passing out) I'm just staring at the roof hopelessly trying to pass out it's 1am and I don't think I'll get much, if any sleep tonight.

I feel so miserable.
 
FadedMemory

FadedMemory

Student
Aug 5, 2018
134
I feel the same way. I screwed up every relationship I ever formed, I screwed up my college entrance exams, I don't have any talents and I can't talk to people due to social anxiety.
I don't understand why people expect me to still suffer in this world. I wasn't meant to be here, I never belonged and always acted different from other kids no matter how much I tried to fit in. Now I have trauma from the past and feel guilt and paranoia.
It makes me angry that such a worthless piece of shit like me dodged death many times yet people who are kind and productive get terminal illness and die in pain.
I just want to go home and be forgotten.
 
M

midastic

Student
Sep 1, 2018
139
I feel the same, I get occupied with guilt with bad actions I did in the past as far as childhood. Most people will say the guilt is unreasonable but for me any bad action whether little or big is reasonable. The guilt is just unbearable along with the strong anxiety surrounding other things which is why I want to CTB. Most people outside my family won't care about me dead since I am anti social. If they did care, well I would hope they understand that I've desired to CTB for a while.
 
L

lifeofregret

Member
Sep 7, 2018
23
Same. I failed at life because of my physical disability, all I did was give stress to my family and friends. I really wanted to redeem myself but I failed and can't go on with this. I owe so much and never respected my family for helping me climb through this, but I can't take the pain and living like this forever. Wasted so much money and time going through so many doctors and physical therapy just to rise up and then fail again. I fucking hate that I'm going to kill myself knowing I didn't contribute anything to life and not payback all the help and love I was given. I was so selfish. I should've at least spent every night hanging out with my parents instead of staying in my room. After my accident I realized I was just a leech, can't believe I didn't notice it before. I wish I had a time machine to prevent all this.
 
Slacker

Slacker

⋔⊬ ☌⍜⎅, ⟟⏁´⌇ ⎎⎍⌰⌰ ⍜⎎ ⌿⍜⌰⟟☊⟒
Aug 17, 2018
298
It´s totally ok when u don´t function. You seem to have a really hard time.
Sometimes the others should be there for you. You need help. And that's ok.
That doesn't mean that you are weak. Don´t give up.
You should ask for help because other people sometimes doesn't recognize that you need it.
Because... sometimes we just hide our thoughts, our feelings and ourselves to protect our loved ones. And we feel like shit. But we aren´t.
It´s ok to ask for help sometimes. You shouldn´t feel guilty if u hurt someone just by showing that you feel bad.
That´s normal. People who love you will suffer with you together.
A problem shared is a problem halved.
 
RM5998

RM5998

Sack of Meat
Sep 3, 2018
2,206
I feel like I was born with gaps in my brain that kept me from feeling what everyone else did.

I don't think I've ever had a friend. Just acquaintances who enter and leave as life goes on, and I keep mirroring their behavior and speech patterns to try to fit in and get some amusement out of the society I inhabit. Nothing lasts, except the isolated state I'm always in. However, I also despise most people I meet, and thus there's this weird conundrum where a part of me feels better being in solitude and another part craves someone I can have a real conversation with. I want to meet at least one person to whom I'm not defined merely by the interests I have in common, but I'm also aware that due to my aversion towards the majority that composes the societal mass, this won't happen. As the song goes,

"There's no one to love you
When you build your walls too high"​

I'm just wearing myself out to the point where I have the strength to finally kill myself. Hopefully it won't take long.
 
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FadedMemory

FadedMemory

Student
Aug 5, 2018
134
I feel like I was born with gaps in my brain that kept me from feeling what everyone else did.

I don't think I've ever had a friend. Just acquaintances who enter and leave as life goes on, and I keep mirroring their behavior and speech patterns to try to fit in and get some amusement out of the society I inhabit. Nothing lasts, except the isolated state I'm always in. However, I also despise most people I meet, and thus there's this weird conundrum where a part of me feels better being in solitude and another part craves someone I can have a real conversation with. I want to meet at least one person to whom I'm not defined merely by the interests I have in common, but I'm also aware that due to my aversion towards the majority that composes the societal mass, this won't happen. As the song goes,

"There's no one to love you
When you build your walls too high"​

I'm just wearing myself out to the point where I have the strength to finally kill myself. Hopefully it won't take long.
Are we the same person? This describes my life word for word. People come and go, and I'm always alone. Add regrets from the past on top of it and you have me, the broken social outcast.
 
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weedoge

weedoge

Banned
Jul 12, 2018
1,528
I don't care if no one sees this or cares about it I just need to vent.

I am such a failure as a friend, as a person.
I'm pushing everyone away; my friends, my family, my girlfriend. Everyone.
Everyday I get worse and lie and tell people what they want to hear so an argument doesn't occur.
My friend got mad at me because he says he doesn't know if anything I say he can trust.
I think everyone knows I'm going to leave eventually they just don't want to lose me. I don't know why. The only thing that would be lost is any creative talent I have.
My school work's grades are slowly declining as I lose energy and motivation.
I just want to cry and ctb. People would miss me and my death would break so many people. I can't even get myself to pass out I'm just so fed up with life and myself I just want to be free from myself. I don't have access to alcohol or drugs due to my age and I just don't know. I just want to go. To disappear. To go.
People deserve so much better than I could ever give them.
I don't understand why people want me to stay.
I think one important thing to remember is that we're all shit people. If you're introspective enough to consider and feel guilty and call yourself a bad person, then you're pretty much not as bad as most out there. Life is so complex and you misinterpret the result of being dragged through life and suffering as your own fault from your own actions.

You're not a bad person.

People say that I kind, fun, thoughtful. like if its true then Be MY FUCKING FRIEND . i know I useless because I am alone have been my whole life
I feel that the few people we can really relate and get along with find it hard to hold a friendship together with each other just beause of our personal baggage. It's like an ironic shit truth. Even the people I loved and could relate strongly with... our relationships ended up toxic as fuck because none of us could cope with life in general.
 
lettuceleaf

lettuceleaf

weakling
Sep 9, 2018
10
Very relatable. The very main reason I'm planning on doing it is because of me --; I can really only blame others to an extent, but in the end, I carry responsibility. Once you're aware, you are responsible.

I believe that if I had been stronger, wiser and smarter I would be off way better. One thing I like about myself really, is the fact that I hate myself. I'd despise to accept myself, because I'll always be flawed and impure, and I should strive towards improvement.

So, yes, I'm a very flawed human being, but I don't believe thinking that way is wrong. I prefer feeling like this than being an arrogant idiot.