ryzee moth

ryzee moth

Member
Mar 27, 2021
13
Hello, I am not sure if this belongs here but I got better and felt like today, when feeling really shi**y, I should say why I am glad that I didn't die back in 2017 after attempting suicide by electrocution.
I used to hate myself and my life completely, thinking about suicide every day. There is this weird thing; during those years I had these weird pictures in my mind of shadows being present, I couldn't really see them or feel them, it was just like my mind was projecting the thoughts of them in my room and so on. After I moved away from my hometown, the occurring presence black shadows I felt in my subconsciousness dropped.
I felt happiness. I didn't know what that felt like before but it was there. Just enjoying the day and liking it the way it was, aware that I was happy. Eating food and feeling the taste, feeling the weather, realizing all that, you know. I felt joy just existing. I wasn't used to that at all so at first I was confused and acted super weird, like things that normal people didn't care about I found incredibly interesting and nice, it was like falling in love but with the whole world. Folks around think I'm a freak. Well, of course; I spent the previous years practically dead, staying at home with bulimia and sleep paralysis and the only things I felt were pain and fear. Feeling happy was the best feeling in my life and even talking about it now makes me feel way better than a moment ago.
It's probably because of living alone and also, which is super important, the right meds for me with the correct dosage (thankfully I found a good doctor, the previous one nearly ruined my already bad life with wrong meds).

Nowadays I am super happy but occasionally, it's like there is the black thing behind me, waiting. Whenever I make a mistake and get scared and start to worry, it's like it's feeding and I get empty. Empty, aiming back to the thoughts of looking forward to ending it all just because of some stupid thing or being reminded of my weirdness or stupidity/ugliness/impulsivity/whatever. I also get very bad headaches and stomach pains because of all the things I used to do to myself and sometimes it's really bad but mostly because I'm full of stress, always ready for the worst.

I sometimes think that I created something that lives on its own, even though it's just sorta ethereal and only in my head. And I still somehow know it's there, infecting my thoughts until I speak its thoughts under its control and then, one day, it can consume me. I wonder if you guys feel like that too.

Anyway, I just felt like spitting this out to make myself feel better about it all. I am not perfect and never will be. I never wanted to kill myself and never will want to. I struggle with money and food and my health and I get worried all the time about my job but I believe I'm going to feel happy again in the future.
 
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