athousandsorrows

athousandsorrows

Member
Jul 5, 2018
70
I'm kind of using this forum as a sort of diary for myself with some of my posts and I apologize if that's wrong, but I think I'm not the only one who does it.

After I started taking meds my dreams became either nightmares or non-existent. I know, we all dream, every night, all the time, and we just don't remember, but I used to be able to remember my dreams pretty well, and it was my favorite thing of sleeping, dreaming. I would discuss my dreams with my therapist and I liked figuring out what they might mean. Once I started the meds it was all nightmares or no dreams at all. I would either wake up rested, or wake up feeling literally like I'd been out partying all night and was going through the worst hangover. It's one of the things I hated the most about taking pills, them taking away my ability to remember my dreams.

Anyway, I stopped my meds about 6 months ago and I was really hoping that ability would come back. It seemed like a lost cause. I've been going to bed listening to a bunch of subliminal audios and hypnosis sessions to help me feel better with little to no success so far. Since I no longer live alone I have a set time I have to wake up, just to make the other people living in the house feel better, I guess. Beats me why my waking up at a certain time helps them or hurts them in any way, but not my house, so I have to follow rules.

I had a dream last night. It wasn't a particularly fantastic dream, but it wasn't a nightmare either. I dreamed I was kind of judging over some kind of contest, like the Olympics, but for English students. I used to be an English teacher, it was my second to last job. Anyway, I was on the panel of teachers/judges and next to me was this girl that looked a lot like Melissa McCarthy (LOL) and she was kind of like my friend there, and was trying to tell me what to do because I was absolutely lost and had no idea what to do.

I became desperate and frustrated because I had this huge folder in front of me with the rules for the contest and I just hadn't seen them before, hadn't studied them, and there we were on the "big day" and I didn't know what to do. So, I left the panel and ran through what I think was a campus, looking for a cigarette to help calm me down and figure things out. I found this particularly strange, because although I am a heavy smoker and have been for over 16 years, I had never dreamt about smoking before, ever.

Then the dream sort of shifted into a party, this huge HUGE party being held on that campus setting, and I knew nobody, but felt like I knew everybody there. Before I became this sack of nothingness, I used to be very social, but the truth is I always say I was good at faking it because I didn't really enjoy it. The whole reason I went out to parties in the first place was to get hammered and forget about my existence, potentially do some crazy thing, self-destruct mode.

I felt good at that party, like I belonged, and was being paid attention to. But, the same thing happened as in the previous setting. I became stressed, looking for something or someone but I don't remember what or who, and so I started going around asking to bum a cig. Again, super strange, not only because I never dream about smoking but because in real life that would never happen to me. I'm the person that gets asked for cigs, not the other way around. I am never caught off guard like that.

I woke up when the alarm sounded, which I absolutely hated. I turned off the alarm and forced myself to go back to sleep just because I wanted to go back to the dream. Like I said, it wasn't a good dream at all, it wasn't a nightmare either. It just felt normal up until the point where I got desperate and started to want to smoke. So odd. I had no success, slept an extra 2 hours, nobody came to wake me up, but I'm sure I'll hear about it later.

If I could only figure out what the cigarettes represent, I'm sure it's not just that I wanted to smoke. I've been smoking heavily for ages and I'd never dreamt about smoking. I keep looking for something or someone in my dreams and I always wake up before I find it. I guess it's my will to live, or my true passion. Who knows?

Thanks for letting me vent.
 
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Lucas

Lucas

Member
May 26, 2018
81
Funny enough I wanted to talk about dreams as well since they are the only place left where I feel okay. And I've been fortune enough to have lucid dreams every now and then. When those happen, you truly realize that we only need our brains, nothing else.

Last night was great too, it wasn't a lucid dream, but it felt really vivid and when I woke up, I just wondered "Why can't I just go back there, it was so real and much better than this". Though sometimes when I wake up, I get sleep paralysis which sucks and even hypnagogic hallucinations which can be fucking scary. Last time that happened, I was waking up and there was a giant spider on the wall and it moved, then it kinda faded away once I woke up for real. It looked 100% real so I can understand why some junkies kill themeselves while hallucinating.
 
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athousandsorrows

athousandsorrows

Member
Jul 5, 2018
70
Funny enough I wanted to talk about dreams as well since they are the only place left where I feel okay. And I've been fortune enough to have lucid dreams every now and then. When those happen, you truly realize that we only need our brains, nothing else.

Last night was great too, it wasn't a lucid dream, but it felt really vivid and when I woke up, I just wondered "Why can't I just go back there, it was so real and much better than this". Though sometimes when I wake up, I get sleep paralysis which sucks and even hypnagogic hallucinations which can be fucking scary. Last time that happened, I was waking up and there was a giant spider on the wall and it moved, then it kinda faded away once I woke up for real. It looked 100% real so I can understand why some junkies kill themeselves while hallucinating.


Woah! That sounds super intense! I haven't had a lucid dream yet, sadly :( Well, I kinda did. Let me explain haha. I saw this documentary about lucid dreaming where they told you a good way to tell you're dreaming is looking at your hand really quick, like flip it twice, the second time around it's going to look super weird, because your eyes can't process the thing or something I don't remember lol. The point is I was dreaming, checked my hand and the second time around it was a HUGE hand and it started melting, so I realized I was dreaming but got so excited I woke up immediately so I didn't get to do anything :( ! I experienced sleep paralysis when I was younger (teenage years), fortunately though I never saw anything, I was just terrified because I couldn't move and it felt just awful, that was enough to horrify me I guess. I want to learn to lucid dream so bad!!!!