- Aug 4, 2020
I just feel as if prolonged loneliness is an illness. I can go so long while being alone, but on weekends when I realise that there is nobody in my life who would like to see me, I recognise that I am alone. It really hurt me when I realised that my coworkers are friends with each other, and do things outside of work, without me. I get it, I really do. I am so far from perfect I am not even in the same realm. It still stings. I just want to have the ability to make friends. I feel like depression creeps up on me like sand. No body notices, if I told somebody that I knew, they would be sympathetic. However, there would be nothing that they could do about it, or that they would want to do. I have no desire most of the time to go above and beyond for a stranger, why would anybody want to do that for me? But I crave it, I crave the feeling of being important and desired and loved and listened to. Therapy takes too long to explain myself. Spending a couple hundred dollars each session just to get through a fraction of the wall that I have unwillingly put up is not fun. I feel like a therapist tends to think that I am fine, that all I need is whatever fixes that they can prescribe me or exercise. I know that sometimes I sit on the deep end and look down. I think that one day I really will take my own life. I think that people in my life will feel shocked, maybe they thought that I was so happy, working towards my dream, trying my best. I dont think that the people in my life realise how tired I am, I wish that people saw through the façade that I tend to rely on. I feel like leading breadcrumbs towards my mental instability. Letting people know how you feel sometimes just makes them tired of you, I find. They get tired of you complaining, and are not interested in hearing about your difficult times. Why would they? They are busy and have their own lives. I feel so insignificant in the scheme of the world. I am not an interesting person I am someone without a personality. Like a blank slate but dull and unusable. I am not sure why anyone might love me. I cant love myself. I'll pretend but Its hard, I try but its so hard. I am so tired. I am so tired.