New Member
Sep 18, 2022
Have y'all ever seen that episode of family guy where Stewie and Brian were trapped in the vault together? Stewie discovers Brian has a gun and in an uncanny few minutes the show takes a very serious turn as Brian explains he carrys it around in case he ever wants to commit suicide… That's exactly what this is- but different

Context: I had an extremely dark childhood to say the least. Without getting into too much detail, I had a long history of suicidal ideation that just kinda became normal over time. But during a few months when I was 16, I had become so entrouched in psychosis for a time that my "normal" suicidal ideation turned into something else. I had thought about suicide so often throughout my life at this point that it has mutated my mind and became "part" of who I am. I had developed Suicidal OCD- an unofficial subtype of harm OCD- this is my *second* darkest secret (Only my therapist knows about me having suicidal OCD). But there is something even she doesn't know.

Now this plagued me for a long while but… in a weird way- I had come to accept it- but that didn't mean it stopped bothering me. Therapy had helped me realize that it was related to control. I had so little control over so much of my life that suicide ended up looking like the best most powerful way to gain control back- which is ultimately why I developed "it". Now here's what I didn't tell anyone… I managed to get a gun (yeah- bad gun laws for my state definitely).

Now I realize this is a horrible thing and I'm not exactly happy about it- BUT I had suspicions that this would be oddly therapeutic. To my amazement… it is. It helps me keep myself in check and if I'm ever having an "episode" I'm able to reassure myself that I can go another day since I have the option to off myself whenever I want. Obviously I haven't told anyone this and maybe never will…
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Wish that I was gone.
Sep 24, 2020
I know that for many people it can be comforting having the option of a method right there as they don’t feel trapped in this world anymore. Wanting to keep a method by your side is perfectly understandable. I do think that suicide is the best way to die as I would rather exit at a time of my own choosing rather than a time out of my control. Death is inevitable for us all, after all so to me it’s better to exit when the time is right. Best wishes.
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