I met someone

[Famous Last Words]

I can't believe I'm in the recovery section. I'm not really recovering and I'm still checking the tracking on my SN twice a day. It's been four weeks now.

The thing is, I met a man on social media through a common interest in fitness. We've been chatting for about a year now and that went to talking on the phone and now we're about to meet up in real life for a few days. This guy is the total opposite to me - he's a real adult in the room type person. I have a huge amount of respect for him for how he approaches life and the success he's achieved. My life is a shambles, now completely paralysed by shame and guilt at how I let my life go so far off the rails. I'm just really embarrassed to be me which is why I don't want to continue living anymore.

I haven't told him any of this but he's very smart and he obviously knows something isn't right. He just tells me not to worry about it, that we all have a past and I can tell what I want in my own time.

Years ago, I think I almost used to fantasize about being "rescued" by someone like this. Someone who could maybe help steer me back onto the right path. But now I think I'm too far gone for this.

We've been in almost constant text communication the last few weeks. We're both really excited to meet each other and I know we're going to have an amazing time. But then there's this - this suicidal ideation - this secret I'm carrying that I haven't told anyone about and don't intend to tell anyone about either. At this point, it's really all I have. I feel bad for him that we're connecting so well but I secretly don't really want to continue living. But this feeling of connecting with someone so nice is actually making me feel really happy and this is very confusing for a brain that uses suicide as a very successful coping mechanism. If I don't have my suicide plan, then I really have to face up to things and that's something I can't do. And I'm too ashamed to let anyone know how badly I failed at life.

I had a failed attempt in February with SN (I prepared everything and then couldn't go through with it) and I was really hoping to be gone by now. Then this happens. Although it was so gradual that I almost didn't see it coming and now we're meeting up and definitely having sex. My attitude is that I should go and have a great time because suicide will still be there afterwards. I'm crying now, after writing this.

 

[houseofleaves]

Sending hugs.

 

[whywere]

Truly awesome, congrats!!! You and your post make my heart sing with joy for you.

Just so wonderful.

Sending lots of hugs and caring thoughts.

Walter

 

[Dead Ghost]

I could have written almost everything myself ... and I also felt like crying as I read it.
Let yourself be carried away by the opportunity presented to you, and enjoy it, feel as you feel now, without fear.
//
Ho podría haber escrit gairebé tot jo... i també m'han agafat ganes de plorar al llegir-ho.
Deixa't portar per l'ocasió que se't presenta, i gaudeix-ho, sentis com et sentis ara, sense por.

 

[Famous Last Words]

Let yourself be carried away by the opportunity presented to you, and enjoy it, feel as you feel now, without fear.

Thank you so much for this. This is what I will try to remember to do.

I hope you are doing ok too, wise one.

Truly awesome, congrats!!! You and your post make my heart sing with joy for you.

Just so wonderful.

Sending lots of hugs and caring thoughts.

Walter

You are a wonderful person, Walter. You really are. Thank you

 

[Famous Last Words]

Well we met up and had an amazing time together, just like I knew we would. He was much like I expected - very calm, self-aware and an emotional adult. The kind of person you feel safe around. Saying that, we laughed a lot, never ran out of things to talk about and the sex was incredible. He was very good about not asking any intrusive questions about my life and just let me volunteer information instead. Although I had no intention of killing the vibe with talk of "I want to die because I'm a complete failure and there's no place for me in this world".

The texting isn't as frantic now but we're communicating daily. I still really like him a lot but I'm acutely aware of my relationship attachment style due to childhood emotional reglect so I'm being very careful to stay in control of my feelings and not get carried away with them.

I really wish I hadn't messed up my life and I was in a good position to be thinking about taking this further. But it just isn't possible - it wouldn't be fair in inflict myself and my circumstances onto another person. I have too much respect for this guy to pull him into my nonsense. And if I did tell him, it would completely remove ending it as an option and I'm not prepared to do that. I've been trying to look at it from his point of view - what he would think if I told him. I'm guessing he would probably say that I'm being too hard on myself and there are plenty of other options. But I could never admit how badly I've let things slide. I'm just too ashamed and embarrassed. Whatever my life purpose was supposed to be, I've strayed too far to ever get back on track. I'm simply not fixable and neither is my life.

I'm so confused about what to do now. I would really like to see him again but I still don't want to be alive anymore. I can't spend the rest of my life not living or making plans for the future because I don't plan on living anymore. I've been living like this for a few years now. I need to make a decision either way.

 

[absolute]

Great , good luck I hope you find extreme happiness

 

[Famous Last Words]

Great , good luck I hope you find extreme happiness

Thank you. That would be nice but I'm still extremely suicidal. I can't see any other way out. If this goes any further with him, when I go, I would have to send a message explaining that it had absolutely nothing to do with him - that it's been planned for a long time. At the moment, there's nobody in my life who would need a note - a situation I think I created deliberately.

My SN appears to be stuck at Kyiv Airport though. It's been nearly five weeks now.

 

[NSA]

I'll stick my two cents in here, because this really resonates:

My life is a shambles, now completely paralysed by shame and guilt at how I let my life go so far off the rails. I'm just really embarrassed to be me which is why I don't want to continue living anymore.

I still really like him a lot but I'm acutely aware of my relationship attachment style due to childhood emotional reglect so I'm being very careful to stay in control of my feelings and not get carried away with them.

You sound both happy and self aware with this person. That's a good combo.

- it wouldn't be fair in inflict myself and my circumstances onto another person. I have too much respect for this guy to pull him into my nonsense.

Maybe let him be the judge of that. Be truthful (enough) and let him decide if he wants to deal with it or not. It's his choice too.

Keep the sn around as an option, but no rush. Barring extreme health and/or financial circumstances, you've literally got the rest of your life to decide. It's not a test.

I hope it works out.

 

[whywere]

HI! Lady follow your heart. Here is my idea: In traditional wedding vows something like : to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, or for worse, richer, or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.

I mention this, because nothing ventured nothing gained, and to have someone to get to know and find out about is wonderous in itself. Believe me, I have so many quirks, but I also try very hard to be kind, caring and nice to all, as life is so short. There is another key to this, is that life is a blink of the eye.

GO FOR IT! What is the worst down the road it does not work out, and I bet that you will find that walking hand in hand and watching a sunset will be awesome.

Not to be risqué, but sex is just that, sex, it never wears out the human body, I know that I will get blow back on here for saying that, but I am 66, reference point, and walking hand in hand and going out to a show or dinner is just pure bliss.

I would LOVE to have someone to sit on a beach and watch the sun go down wrapped up in a large beach blanket with a heartwarming friend.

All my best to you and your new friend, as you richly deserve lots of sunny blue skies to walk with your new friend with.

Walter

 

[Dead Ghost]

Don't let fear guide your decisions and move on. Enjoy the moment that is presented to you and do not decide for yourself how things are, do it between the two.

Good luck
//
No deixis que la por guií les teves decisions i segueix endavant. Gaudeix del moment que se't presenta i no decideixis tu sól com són les coses, feu-ho entre els dos.

Sort

 

[Famous Last Words]

HI! Lady follow your heart. Here is my idea: In traditional wedding vows something like : to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, or for worse, richer, or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.

I mention this, because nothing ventured nothing gained, and to have someone to get to know and find out about is wonderous in itself. Believe me, I have so many quirks, but I also try very hard to be kind, caring and nice to all, as life is so short. There is another key to this, is that life is a blink of the eye.

GO FOR IT! What is the worst down the road it does not work out, and I bet that you will find that walking hand in hand and watching a sunset will be awesome.

Not to be risqué, but sex is just that, sex, it never wears out the human body, I know that I will get blow back on here for saying that, but I am 66, reference point, and walking hand in hand and going out to a show or dinner is just pure bliss.

I would LOVE to have someone to sit on a beach and watch the sun go down wrapped up in a large beach blanket with a heartwarming friend.

All my best to you and your new friend, as you richly deserve lots of sunny blue skies to walk with your new friend with.

Walter

Thank you for your lovely post, Walter. I really appreciate you taking the time to write this and for your words of advice.

We're still in regular contact and have arranged to meet again for a few days. Things have taken a bit of a kinky turn - something not unexpected and a development I'm defintely on board and ok with. On one level, it's quite exciting but the more I'm becoming entangled in this, the more my suicide plan seems to be in doubt. And I actually really rely on my suicide plan, if that makes sense? When we checked into the super fancy hotel he booked, I remember thinking that it felt like a sliding doors situation - one where in a parallel universe, I was checking into (a cheaper) hotel with my SN.

If I'm being realistic, a real relationship with a shared vision for the future isn't a real possibility anyway. We're very different people and it's actually kind of crazy that this is happening at all. This isn't the exact situation - I don't want to identify myself - but think very conventional senior military officer and someone who lives in an off-grid commune, just to give an idea of how different we are. Class and background aren't an issue and we can talk for days about things like politics, history and current affairs but our life circumstances and world views are very different. Although I do wonder if part of the reason we like each other is maybe because we both represent something lacking in our own lives? No one who met me would ever guess that I'm suicidal - it's something buried under a lot of layers. On the surface, I can be ok company, I think. He said he thought I was incredibly interesting, which was nice of him to say.

Seeing as my SN is still stuck at Kyiv Airport, waiting to get on a plane, I will go and meet up with again and see how it goes. I still don't really want to live anymore but I also feel part of me coming alive again - something I haven't felt for years. It's so confusing!

 

[Famous Last Words]

Don't let fear guide your decisions and move on. Enjoy the moment that is presented to you and do not decide for yourself how things are, do it between the two.

Good luck
//
No deixis que la por guií les teves decisions i segueix endavant. Gaudeix del moment que se't presenta i no decideixis tu sól com són les coses, feu-ho entre els dos.

Sort

Thank you, Dead Ghost. My problem is that I've been suicidal for so long that my life has fallen apart, so much that suicide became the only real option. I'm really enjoying my time with this guy - we chat daily and we're meeting up in a couple of days - and I do think I'm starting to feel... hope? Not because I'm hoping he will fix my life but because his presence is making me feel a bit stronger and is making me look at the situation from another person's perspective - or what I imagine his perspective would be. I actually don't really know what it would be. There's a side to him that's quite hard and a bit judgemental but there's another side, one that has been actively developed and learned, that is very kind and empathetic.

I don't think he would be judgemental about suicidal feelings at all but letting my life fall apart while pretending (lying) to the world for so long that everything is fine - maybe. Or maybe this is just all projection on my part. On the surface, I probably seem like someone who could sort this out and the fact that I haven't is something I should take responsibility for. I feel like the only way I can take responsibility at this point is by ending my life. While that seems perfectly reasonable to me, I strongly suspect that he would think this is completely ridiculous.

I'll stick my two cents in here, because this really resonates:




You sound both happy and self aware with this person. That's a good combo.

Maybe let him be the judge of that. Be truthful (enough) and let him decide if he wants to deal with it or not. It's his choice too.

Keep the sn around as an option, but no rush. Barring extreme health and/or financial circumstances, you've literally got the rest of your life to decide. It's not a test.

I hope it works out.

Thank you so much for your kind post. I don't have any plans to tell him any time soon. I think I will just see where this goes - it could still fizzle out into nothing and become just a fun and interesting experience I had.

 

[Dead Ghost]

Thank you, Dead Ghost. My problem is that I've been suicidal for so long that my life has fallen apart, so much that suicide became the only real option. I'm really enjoying my time with this guy - we chat daily and we're meeting up in a couple of days - and I do think I'm starting to feel... hope? Not because I'm hoping he will fix my life but because his presence is making me feel a bit stronger and is making me look at the situation from another person's perspective - or what I imagine his perspective would be. I actually don't really know what it would be. There's a side to him that's quite hard and a bit judgemental but there's another side, one that has been actively developed and learned, that is very kind and empathetic.

I don't think he would be judgemental about suicidal feelings at all but letting my life fall apart while pretending (lying) to the world for so long that everything is fine - maybe. Or maybe this is just all projection on my part. On the surface, I probably seem like someone who could sort this out and the fact that I haven't is something I should take responsibility for. I feel like the only way I can take responsibility at this point is by ending my life. While that seems perfectively reasonable to me, I strongly suspect that he would think this is completely ridiculous.

If it doesn't work for you, I'll soon be dating the person I fell in love with. I know perfectly well that it is not reciprocal and that it is just a friendship, but it is the only thing that gives me strength to try to stop my process of self-destruction ...

I know that self-destruction is not the same as suicide, because the latter clings strongly to my mind at certain times while self-destruction has been in me for many years in a sustained and unstoppable way.

I wanted to write to you about this, about the dynamics we follow, about the inertia that forces us not to know how to stop and think after so long ...
I, despite staying with her, can't help but punish myself thinking if I deserve it and I'm looking for excuses to self-sabotage this crumb of happiness / hope.
Only when I am calm is I able, in a sad moment of lucidity, to realize what I am doing.

Then I decide I just want to enjoy the opportunity and let the ghosts get close to me to fuck them bravely (Note: This translator .... beat the ghosts - the fears -? is it better understood?).
It's also true, I think, that she, with her friendship, kept me from making a fool of myself last summer, a fool because she didn't know I was capable of loving someone that way (and of suffering to love ).

I just wanted to share this with you.

Spoiler: Original Text

Si et serveix de res, jo he quedat aviat amb la persona de la que em vaig enamorar. Se perfectament que no és recíproc i que només és una amistat, però és l'únic que em dona forces a intentar aturar el meu procés d'autodestrucció...

Se que l'autodestrucció no és el mateix que el suïcidi, doncs aquest últim se m'aferra fort en el pensament en moments puntuals mentres que l'autodestrucció porta ja molts anys en mi de manera sostinguda i imparable.

D'això et volía escriure, de la dinàmica que seguim, de la inércia que ens força a no saber aturar-nos i pensar després de tant de temps...
Jo, tot i quedar amb ella, no puc evitar castigar-me a mi mateix mateix pensant si m'ho mereixo i cerco excuses per tal d'autosabotajar-me aquesta engruna de felicitat/esperança.
Només quan estic en calma sóc capaç, en un trist moment de lucidesa, d'adonar-me'n del que estic fent.

Llavors decideixo que només vull gaudir de l'oportunitat i deixo que els fantasmes se m'apropin per fotre'ls de valent.
També és cert, que penso, que ella, amb la seva amistat, va evitar que fes un disbarat l'estiu passat, un disbarat perquè no sabía pas que jo fós capaç d'estimar algú d'aquesta manera (i de patir per estimar).

Només volía compartir això amb tú.

Bye

 

[Famous Last Words]

Hi everyone, well things have taken another interesting turn.

We met up again for a few days and this time I stayed at his house. We hung out, talked, had great sex, went for walks, ate food... It was a great time.

I ended up telling him that I was suicidal but it didn't happen in a way I would have expected at all. We'd gone out for food on the last day and it was him who brought up the subject - I had no plans to take the conversation there at all, preferring to keep things fun and light-hearted instead. He started telling me about a particularly dark time in his life where he felt like things had fallen apart and he'd made a semi-impulsive decision to end it all.

I actually feel really bad about how the conversation went at this point after replaying it a bit in my head. I realised afterwards that this had actually been a big deal for him to tell me, despite the tone being calm and casual and not said in a big revelatory manner. He'd hinted previously that there was something dark in his past and I think maybe this was it. But instead of being kind and empathetic like a normal person, I told him that his method was very flawed and probably wouldn't have worked. I have no idea why this was my reaction and it probably came off as very cold-hearted. Maybe this is just what happens when you know the Peaceful Pill Handbook inside out. Then I told him that his reasons seemed ridiculous and totally invalidated them - something I'd worried about him doing to me! I didn't really mean that his reasons were ridiculous; what I really meant was that I think he's a great person and his reasons didn't make him a failure in my eyes at all. But I'm not sure it came out like that. I really wish I could tell him what I really meant but I don't know how to go back there without bringing up THE subject again.

But anyway, this seemed like a good a time as any to say that I had also experienced suicidal feelings. I didn't announce that I'm imminently suicidal or start crying or anything like that. We could have been talking about the weather for all the emotion that was expressed during the conversation. I told him that I'd been suicidal since I was 13 (first attempt) and that I sometimes (always actually) look at the world and don't really see a place for me in it.

He was a bit quiet after this. We spoke about suicide in a more general way for a while and then moved on from it. The conversation weighed really heavily on my mind for the rest of the day though. I had in effect told him I was suicidal right now, even though I didn't say the words, and I really really regret putting myself in this position. I definitely don't want to put someone else in the position where they're worried that they're dealing with a suicidal person! When I got on the train, I decided that enough was enough, that things had become a bit too close for my liking and it would be a good time to back away. But then he sent me a lovely message saying what a great weekend he'd had and even put kisses on it (he's not a kisses person). Then he sent me more messages, insisting that I let him know I'd got home safely and I couldn't help but respond with the same energy. Since then, we've been texting daily as usual and if anything, he seems even warmer towards me than before.

Maybe he's relieved that his "big secret" isn't a big deal to me at all. It doesn't change my view of him in the slightest. I do think that there are things in my past that would be a lot for him to process if he thinks that suicidal feelings are a big deal. But that's really another story. I'm ok with keeping some stuff locked up in a box and not sharing them with anybody.

My SN arrived from the Ukraine finally and I haven't used it yet, obviously. From the perspective of being alive = good, I guess this is progress. But I still have no plans for the future and even thinking about it sends me into a bit of a panic and to the reassuring thought that my SN and accompanying medication is right near me now, if I need it. Reintegration into society isn't going to be an easy process. Where do I even start?

If it doesn't work for you, I'll soon be dating the person I fell in love with. I know perfectly well that it is not reciprocal and that it is just a friendship, but it is the only thing that gives me strength to try to stop my process of self-destruction ...

I know that self-destruction is not the same as suicide, because the latter clings strongly to my mind at certain times while self-destruction has been in me for many years in a sustained and unstoppable way.

I wanted to write to you about this, about the dynamics we follow, about the inertia that forces us not to know how to stop and think after so long ...
I, despite staying with her, can't help but punish myself thinking if I deserve it and I'm looking for excuses to self-sabotage this crumb of happiness / hope.
Only when I am calm is I able, in a sad moment of lucidity, to realize what I am doing.

Then I decide I just want to enjoy the opportunity and let the ghosts get close to me to fuck them bravely (Note: This translator .... beat the ghosts - the fears -? is it better understood?).
It's also true, I think, that she, with her friendship, kept me from making a fool of myself last summer, a fool because she didn't know I was capable of loving someone that way (and of suffering to love ).

I just wanted to share this with you.

Spoiler: Original Text

Si et serveix de res, jo he quedat aviat amb la persona de la que em vaig enamorar. Se perfectament que no és recíproc i que només és una amistat, però és l'únic que em dona forces a intentar aturar el meu procés d'autodestrucció...

Se que l'autodestrucció no és el mateix que el suïcidi, doncs aquest últim se m'aferra fort en el pensament en moments puntuals mentres que l'autodestrucció porta ja molts anys en mi de manera sostinguda i imparable.

D'això et volía escriure, de la dinàmica que seguim, de la inércia que ens força a no saber aturar-nos i pensar després de tant de temps...
Jo, tot i quedar amb ella, no puc evitar castigar-me a mi mateix mateix pensant si m'ho mereixo i cerco excuses per tal d'autosabotajar-me aquesta engruna de felicitat/esperança.
Només quan estic en calma sóc capaç, en un trist moment de lucidesa, d'adonar-me'n del que estic fent.

Llavors decideixo que només vull gaudir de l'oportunitat i deixo que els fantasmes se m'apropin per fotre'ls de valent.
També és cert, que penso, que ella, amb la seva amistat, va evitar que fes un disbarat l'estiu passat, un disbarat perquè no sabía pas que jo fós capaç d'estimar algú d'aquesta manera (i de patir per estimar).

Només volía compartir això amb tú.

Bye

Hey Ghost, sorry for the late reply. I only just logged on and saw this.

This is very exciting! Have you started dating the girl yet? Relationships based on friendship often lead to the great romantic relationships because a lot of trust has already been established.

I completely agree with you and think you need to follow your own advice - don't overthink it and enjoy being in the moment with this girl. If I could offer you some advice, it would be not to pursue the romantic aspect too strongly. Be your best self around her, show her what a great person you are and let her come to you - let her think that it's her idea to move things beyond friendship. Most women tend to back away if they feel under pressure romantically. I wish you the best of luck!

 

[Dead Ghost]

Yes, last Monday we arranged to meet after almost a year of communicating at a distance and by text. Despite being aware that it was just a meeting between friends I was very nervous to the point of having trouble looking at his face or talking relaxedly about topics that we usually talk about.

We still had a good time... although I spent quite a few days with a headache and discomfort because on the way there and back I was overexposed to the sun and I think I got a little sunburned.

She is beautiful (the tone of voice, the gestures, the patience, the laughter...) but the relationship will not go beyond a friendship and I am not sorry, because I have no previous experience in affective personal relationships and I have not much health either physically or mentally... I mean I would not know what to do or how to act if it comes to it, nor could I keep up with her or go to many places that she seems to enjoy.

I wish I wasn't 44 and I was 20 again, then all the limitations were just of the mind and I think I would have more chances to get ahead or take more risks in terms of trying a more personal relationship yet, not necessarily beyond a friendship, but at least be able to have more flexibility and generate more opportunities for understanding between us.

And speaking about your meeting, just tell you that we worry too much about what they will think of us and if they will reject us for how we are... it is not worth worrying about, we often exaggerate our defects so much, or what we think they are, that we never consider that perhaps the other person sees them as qualities that she values positively and that make the relationship even stronger.

We should relax more and let everything flow and take its course.

Good luck to you.

Spoiler: Original Text

Doncs si, dilluns passat vem quedar per trobar-nos després de estar gairebé un any comunicant-nos a distància i per texte. Tot i ser conscient que només era una trobada entre amics em vaig posar molt nerviós fins al punt de costar-me mirar-li a la cara o parlar distesament sobre temes que habitualment parlem.

Tot i així ens ho vem passar bé.. tot i que m'he passat forces dies amb mal de cap i malestar perquè al anar i al tornar em vaig exposar massa al sol i em sembla que em vaig cremar una mica.

Ella es preciosa (el to de la veu, els gestos, la paciència, les rialles...) però la relació no anirà més enllà d'una amistat i no em sap pas greu, doncs no tinc cap experiència previa en relacions personals afectives i tampoc tinc gaire salut ni física ni mental... vull dir que no sabría ni que fer ni com actuar arribat el cas, ni podría seguir-li el ritme ni anar a molts llocs que ella sembla gaudir.

Tant de bò no tingués 44 anys i tingués altre cop 20, llavors totes les limitacions eren només de la ment i crec que tindría més oportunitats de tirar endavant o arriscar-me més en quan a intentar una rel·lació més personal encara, que no necessàriament més enllà d'una amistat, però si al menys poder tenir més flexibilitat i generar més oportunitats d'entesa entre nosaltres.

I ja parlant sobre la teva trobada, només dir-te que ens preocupem massa pel que pensaràn de nosaltres i de si ens rebutjaràn per com sóm... no val la pena que ens amoïnem, sovint exagerem tant els nostres defectes, o el que creiem que ho són, que mai ens plantegem que potser l'altra persona els veu com a qualitats que valora positivament i que fan enfortir més la relació.

Ens em de relaxar més i deixar que tot flueixi i segueixi el seu curs.

 

[SadVegan]

Any updates? Im really interested in listening to the rest. I had been getting to know a girl a little while ago, got rejected i think mainly because of my pessimistic attitudes towards life, she's not quite optimistic, however shes got plans for the future, as for me im failing at life quite miserably, wasted two years in two different universities im almost 20, no job, no real friends, no self confidence. I see no point in working for money as im not interested in it. Spending all my life being a worker just to afford living... For me it just isn't worth it. I'll be trying a new school, if i fail this time, I'll buy a gun and blow my brains out for good.
As for the relationship with this girl, it has been decaying quite a bit. Sometimes i send her messages and doesn't even bother to respond to them, she just decided to dust them off like nothing. I guess our friendship is almost over.

 

[Baemo]

I am happy for you, I wish I could find someone to help me see the light. I wish you the best!

 

[mblum]

I can't believe I'm in the recovery section. I'm not really recovering and I'm still checking the tracking on my SN twice a day. It's been four weeks now.

The thing is, I met a man on social media through a common interest in fitness. We've been chatting for about a year now and that went to talking on the phone and now we're about to meet up in real life for a few days. This guy is the total opposite to me - he's a real adult in the room type person. I have a huge amount of respect for him for how he approaches life and the success he's achieved. My life is a shambles, now completely paralysed by shame and guilt at how I let my life go so far off the rails. I'm just really embarrassed to be me which is why I don't want to continue living anymore.

I haven't told him any of this but he's very smart and he obviously knows something isn't right. He just tells me not to worry about it, that we all have a past and I can tell what I want in my own time.

Years ago, I think I almost used to fantasize about being "rescued" by someone like this. Someone who could maybe help steer me back onto the right path. But now I think I'm too far gone for this.

We've been in almost constant text communication the last few weeks. We're both really excited to meet each other and I know we're going to have an amazing time. But then there's this - this suicidal ideation - this secret I'm carrying that I haven't told anyone about and don't intend to tell anyone about either. At this point, it's really all I have. I feel bad for him that we're connecting so well but I secretly don't really want to continue living. But this feeling of connecting with someone so nice is actually making me feel really happy and this is very confusing for a brain that uses suicide as a very successful coping mechanism. If I don't have my suicide plan, then I really have to face up to things and that's something I can't do. And I'm too ashamed to let anyone know how badly I failed at life.

I had a failed attempt in February with SN (I prepared everything and then couldn't go through with it) and I was really hoping to be gone by now. Then this happens. Although it was so gradual that I almost didn't see it coming and now we're meeting up and definitely having sex. My attitude is that I should go and have a great time because suicide will still be there afterwards. I'm crying now, after writing this.

Ah, the savior types. My suggestion is don’t get too attached. They’ll eventually abandoned you. Happened to me and many others I know and we all thought we could entrust them with our poor mental health and that they’d always be our little “hero”.

 

[Dead Ghost]

Ah, the savior types. My suggestion is don’t get too attached. They’ll eventually abandoned you. Happened to me and many others I know and we all thought we could entrust them with our poor mental health and that they’d always be our little “hero”.

So difficult that it makes us have the fears at bay inside our head, you just need to tell him this even if you say it with good intention (it is understood that you warn him not to make illusions).
//
Tant difícil que s'ens fa tenir les pors a ratlla dins el nostre caparró, només falta que li diguis això encara que ho diguis amb bona intenció (s'entén que l'adverteixes que no es faci pas il·lusions).

 

[Famous Last Words]

Yes, last Monday we arranged to meet after almost a year of communicating at a distance and by text. Despite being aware that it was just a meeting between friends I was very nervous to the point of having trouble looking at his face or talking relaxedly about topics that we usually talk about.

We still had a good time... although I spent quite a few days with a headache and discomfort because on the way there and back I was overexposed to the sun and I think I got a little sunburned.

She is beautiful (the tone of voice, the gestures, the patience, the laughter...) but the relationship will not go beyond a friendship and I am not sorry, because I have no previous experience in affective personal relationships and I have not much health either physically or mentally... I mean I would not know what to do or how to act if it comes to it, nor could I keep up with her or go to many places that she seems to enjoy.

I wish I wasn't 44 and I was 20 again, then all the limitations were just of the mind and I think I would have more chances to get ahead or take more risks in terms of trying a more personal relationship yet, not necessarily beyond a friendship, but at least be able to have more flexibility and generate more opportunities for understanding between us.

And speaking about your meeting, just tell you that we worry too much about what they will think of us and if they will reject us for how we are... it is not worth worrying about, we often exaggerate our defects so much, or what we think they are, that we never consider that perhaps the other person sees them as qualities that she values positively and that make the relationship even stronger.

We should relax more and let everything flow and take its course.

Good luck to you.

Spoiler: Original Text

Doncs si, dilluns passat vem quedar per trobar-nos després de estar gairebé un any comunicant-nos a distància i per texte. Tot i ser conscient que només era una trobada entre amics em vaig posar molt nerviós fins al punt de costar-me mirar-li a la cara o parlar distesament sobre temes que habitualment parlem.

Tot i així ens ho vem passar bé.. tot i que m'he passat forces dies amb mal de cap i malestar perquè al anar i al tornar em vaig exposar massa al sol i em sembla que em vaig cremar una mica.

Ella es preciosa (el to de la veu, els gestos, la paciència, les rialles...) però la relació no anirà més enllà d'una amistat i no em sap pas greu, doncs no tinc cap experiència previa en relacions personals afectives i tampoc tinc gaire salut ni física ni mental... vull dir que no sabría ni que fer ni com actuar arribat el cas, ni podría seguir-li el ritme ni anar a molts llocs que ella sembla gaudir.

Tant de bò no tingués 44 anys i tingués altre cop 20, llavors totes les limitacions eren només de la ment i crec que tindría més oportunitats de tirar endavant o arriscar-me més en quan a intentar una rel·lació més personal encara, que no necessàriament més enllà d'una amistat, però si al menys poder tenir més flexibilitat i generar més oportunitats d'entesa entre nosaltres.

I ja parlant sobre la teva trobada, només dir-te que ens preocupem massa pel que pensaràn de nosaltres i de si ens rebutjaràn per com sóm... no val la pena que ens amoïnem, sovint exagerem tant els nostres defectes, o el que creiem que ho són, que mai ens plantegem que potser l'altra persona els veu com a qualitats que valora positivament i que fan enfortir més la relació.

Ens em de relaxar més i deixar que tot flueixi i segueixi el seu curs.

Good for you for going to meet her in person! That's a very brave thing to do, especially if you were very nervous and not feeling your best. It's a shame you don't feel like it can go further than friendship. Although making a new friend is also exciting and would bring a feeling of connection? Have you been in contact since you met up?

Any updates? Im really interested in listening to the rest. I had been getting to know a girl a little while ago, got rejected i think mainly because of my pessimistic attitudes towards life, she's not quite optimistic, however shes got plans for the future, as for me im failing at life quite miserably, wasted two years in two different universities im almost 20, no job, no real friends, no self confidence. I see no point in working for money as im not interested in it. Spending all my life being a worker just to afford living... For me it just isn't worth it. I'll be trying a new school, if i fail this time, I'll buy a gun and blow my brains out for good.
As for the relationship with this girl, it has been decaying quite a bit. Sometimes i send her messages and doesn't even bother to respond to them, she just decided to dust them off like nothing. I guess our friendship is almost over.

Oh no, I'm sorry the relationshp isn't going in the direction you wanted. It's so difficult when you're not feeling optimistic about the future. I really hope your new school works out for you and perhaps gives you a fresh outlook on things. The idea of feeling safe and happy in the now and working towards a future you're looking forward to - it seems so simple in theory but it's a hard thing to achieve, especially if things have gone off the rails.. But you're lucky that you're only 20 and you can afford to make mistakes, time wise.

I'm sorry you feel like she's giving you the brush-off though. Attraction is a very tricky thing to understand. Speaking as a woman, I do think most women are attracted to men who make them feel safe - this is part of our biological programming. A pessimistic attitude isn't something that turns a woman on and makes them excited to hear from you, unfortunately.. Here's a video about this that might be helpful to you. It's not a very fashionable opinion but probably a more biologically accurate one.



For the sake of completeness, Teal Swan made a great video about what women need to know about men, too.




I wish you all the best, SadVegan!

 

[Famous Last Words]

Ah, the savior types. My suggestion is don’t get too attached. They’ll eventually abandoned you. Happened to me and many others I know and we all thought we could entrust them with our poor mental health and that they’d always be our little “hero”.

Hmm, respectfully, I think maybe you're projecting your own bad experiences onto my situation. I'm sorry men have been shitty to you in the past.

I don't feel like I'm getting too attached and I've made it clear to him that I'm not interested in a relationship. Saying that, I do very much trust him and his character. He's a good and decent person. He didn't come into my life trying to rescue me - we got to know each other chatting about fitness and he gave me good advice when I ran my first marathon (he's run lots of marathons).

We're not very well matched personality wise for a real relationship, unfortunately. I'm not saying I've got him all figured out (that would be very arrogant) but I can already see the ways in which we're incompatible. My prediction is that we have a few more meetups left (in the world where I don't commit suicide) and then it will fizzle out and we will be left with fond memories and affection for each other. The sex is awesome so I think we'll both be sticking around for that for a while.

Interestingly, I looked up our Myers Briggs compatibility and our types aren't well-matched at all. I'm INTJ (turbulent) and he's ESTJ. Everything written here (from a Myers Briggs website) is on the mark. There are probably things about me that he wouldn't tolerate in a partner but which he finds intriguing at this level where we're not too invested. I can already see that. Conversely, I would probably start to find him a bit boring and rigid in his thinking.


How INTJ and ESTJ Get Along

INTJs and ESTJs have some common themes that often arise when they get to know each other. As an INTJ, you'll want to keep these issues in mind when you get to know an ESTJ.

As an Intuitive Thinking type, you approach relationships a little differently than the average person. You have a lively mind and an appetite for ideas. More than any other type, you like to spend time with people who can keep up with you mentally and who expose you to new ideas and worldviews. Ultimately, what you are looking for in relationships is intellectual stimulation—although you also appreciate people who can draw out your softer side.

Your first impression of this person is likely to be that they are traditional, literal, and by-the-book. They may remind you of a boss who micromanaged you or a teacher who enforced the most inane rules with inordinate gusto. This person's primary concern is following the rules, toeing the line, and making sure that procedures are followed. Since your primary concern is usually either breaking the rules or making up your own, you're not likely to feel this person has a lot to offer you.

There are a few reasons you might consider this person worth getting to know. The most obvious is that you have to, because they are a coworker, a family member, or someone else in your daily life. If this is the case, fear not: you do have potential to influence each other in a positive way.

First and foremost, this person can provide a needed reality check for you. While you are innovative and imaginative, you can also be impractical. You may neglect to attend to the details, or you may get very excited about ideas that turn out to be unworkable or unnecessary. Your counterpart does not suffer from this problem. They tend to be extremely suspicious of new ideas, and will absolutely refuse to get caught up in your enthusiasm. While this may feel like the world's largest wet blanket, in practice it's a tremendous asset to you. If you can get your counterpart interested in one of your ideas, it will be because you have truly thought through the details and identified a real need for something new. In other words, they will always make you do your homework—and that's a good thing.

In addition, this person can be a powerful stabilizing force for you. While you may tend to get absorbed in the abstract, they will focus on daily practicalities—making sure there is food to eat, the bills are paid, and everyone is properly dressed. This is not stuff you tend to want to worry about, so having someone on your side who doesn't mind taking care of such things can make for a great team. So long as they don't resent your disinterest in such matters, your partnership can allow you to each focus on what you are good at.

Moreover, this person can help you to tune into the valuable aspects of the past. Although you tend not to put much stock in the way things have always been done, sometimes the traditional way is actually the best way. Listening to this person's perspective can help you to understand what's working just fine as it is, and keep you from trying to reinvent the wheel.

This person likely has a higher energy level than you do, and you may find their enthusiasm overwhelming at times. You may find it important to set boundaries and let them know when you need space and quiet.

Although there are some common problems that can arise in INTJ/ESTJ relationships, it's important to remember that there's no such thing as a perfectly compatible pair in personality typing. Whether you get along with someone has more to do with your own self-knowledge and your sensitivity to your friend's needs and preferences—not some magic formula. Learning more about your own type with an in-depth assessment is a great place to start to build the self-awareness that is key to successful relationships.

I am happy for you, I wish I could find someone to help me see the light. I wish you the best!

Thank you so much Baemo. The light will always be there waiting, even though it sometimes feels like we're permanently stumbling around in the dark. I wish you the best too!

 

[Zegers]

I wish I could find someone to take the darkness out of my life, but I don't think that will happen and even if it does, it won't be a complete solution for me, I don't feel good anymore.

 

[Dead Ghost]

Good for you for going to meet her in person! That's a very brave thing to do, especially if you were very nervous and not feeling your best. It's a shame you don't feel like it can go further than friendship. Although making a new friend is also exciting and would bring a feeling of connection? Have you been in contact since you met up?

Yes, we keep in touch, but this week I've sunk a little, because I keep comparing myself to her and I lose everywhere ... I wouldn't care much but how it was for me to be affected by to go out; sun exposure, the environment, breaking my routines (I have OCD). It even affected me mentally and last night I already noticed it, I don't get the deep discomfort, too many sensations inside me. My perception of the passage of time has also changed (the days go by slowly, everything goes slower).

The truth is that I am so scared that if we stay again it will be in the fall, not before .. now everything is too big for me and I need time.
I no longer know that a more engaged relationship is not possible, it is that I wonder if I am able to maintain a simple friendship at a distance with anyone.

Everything will be seen.

Spoiler: Original Text

Si que seguim en contacte, però aquesta setmana m'he enfonsat una mica, doncs no deixo de comparar-me amb ella i surto perdent per tot arreu... no m'importaría gaire sinó fós per com m'ha afectat el fet de sortir; l'exposició al sol, a l'entorn, trencar les meves rutines (tinc TOC). Fins i tot m'ha afectat mentalment i aquesta nit passada ja m'ho notava, no em trec el malestar de fons, masses sensacions dins meu. La meva percepció del pas del temps també ha canviat (els dies passen a poc a poc, tot va més lent).

La veritat es que tinc tanta por que si tornem a quedar serà a la tardor, no abans.. ara tot em va massa gran i necessito temps.
Ja no es que no sigui possible una relació més compromesa, es que em plantejo si sóc capaç de mantenir una simple amistat a distància amb qualsevol persona.

Tot es veurà.

 

[mblum]

Hmm, respectfully, I think maybe you're projecting your own bad experiences onto my situation. I'm sorry men have been shitty to you in the past.

I don't feel like I'm getting too attached and I've made it clear to him that I'm not interested in a relationship. Saying that, I do very much trust him and his character. He's a good and decent person. He didn't come into my life trying to rescue me - we got to know each other chatting about fitness and he gave me good advice when I ran my first marathon (he's run lots of marathons).

We're not very well matched personality wise for a real relationship, unfortunately. I'm not saying I've got him all figured out (that would be very arrogant) but I can already see the ways in which we're incompatible. My prediction is that we have a few more meetups left (in the world where I don't commit suicide) and then it will fizzle out and we will be left with fond memories and affection for each other. The sex is awesome so I think we'll both be sticking around for that for a while.

Interestingly, I looked up our Myers Briggs compatibility and our types aren't well-matched at all. I'm INTJ (turbulent) and he's ESTJ. Everything written here (from a Myers Briggs website) is on the mark. There are probably things about me that he wouldn't tolerate in a partner but which he finds intriguing at this level where we're not too invested. I can already see that. Conversely, I would probably start to find him a bit boring and rigid in his thinking.


How INTJ and ESTJ Get Along

INTJs and ESTJs have some common themes that often arise when they get to know each other. As an INTJ, you'll want to keep these issues in mind when you get to know an ESTJ.

As an Intuitive Thinking type, you approach relationships a little differently than the average person. You have a lively mind and an appetite for ideas. More than any other type, you like to spend time with people who can keep up with you mentally and who expose you to new ideas and worldviews. Ultimately, what you are looking for in relationships is intellectual stimulation—although you also appreciate people who can draw out your softer side.

Your first impression of this person is likely to be that they are traditional, literal, and by-the-book. They may remind you of a boss who micromanaged you or a teacher who enforced the most inane rules with inordinate gusto. This person's primary concern is following the rules, toeing the line, and making sure that procedures are followed. Since your primary concern is usually either breaking the rules or making up your own, you're not likely to feel this person has a lot to offer you.

There are a few reasons you might consider this person worth getting to know. The most obvious is that you have to, because they are a coworker, a family member, or someone else in your daily life. If this is the case, fear not: you do have potential to influence each other in a positive way.

First and foremost, this person can provide a needed reality check for you. While you are innovative and imaginative, you can also be impractical. You may neglect to attend to the details, or you may get very excited about ideas that turn out to be unworkable or unnecessary. Your counterpart does not suffer from this problem. They tend to be extremely suspicious of new ideas, and will absolutely refuse to get caught up in your enthusiasm. While this may feel like the world's largest wet blanket, in practice it's a tremendous asset to you. If you can get your counterpart interested in one of your ideas, it will be because you have truly thought through the details and identified a real need for something new. In other words, they will always make you do your homework—and that's a good thing.

In addition, this person can be a powerful stabilizing force for you. While you may tend to get absorbed in the abstract, they will focus on daily practicalities—making sure there is food to eat, the bills are paid, and everyone is properly dressed. This is not stuff you tend to want to worry about, so having someone on your side who doesn't mind taking care of such things can make for a great team. So long as they don't resent your disinterest in such matters, your partnership can allow you to each focus on what you are good at.

Moreover, this person can help you to tune into the valuable aspects of the past. Although you tend not to put much stock in the way things have always been done, sometimes the traditional way is actually the best way. Listening to this person's perspective can help you to understand what's working just fine as it is, and keep you from trying to reinvent the wheel.

This person likely has a higher energy level than you do, and you may find their enthusiasm overwhelming at times. You may find it important to set boundaries and let them know when you need space and quiet.

Although there are some common problems that can arise in INTJ/ESTJ relationships, it's important to remember that there's no such thing as a perfectly compatible pair in personality typing. Whether you get along with someone has more to do with your own self-knowledge and your sensitivity to your friend's needs and preferences—not some magic formula. Learning more about your own type with an in-depth assessment is a great place to start to build the self-awareness that is key to successful relationships.



Thank you so much Baemo. The light will always be there waiting, even though it sometimes feels like we're permanently stumbling around in the dark. I wish you the best too!

Lol you’ll see what I mean in due time, cupcake

 

[Famous Last Words]

Yes, we keep in touch, but this week I've sunk a little, because I keep comparing myself to her and I lose everywhere ... I wouldn't care much but how it was for me to be affected by to go out; sun exposure, the environment, breaking my routines (I have OCD). It even affected me mentally and last night I already noticed it, I don't get the deep discomfort, too many sensations inside me. My perception of the passage of time has also changed (the days go by slowly, everything goes slower).

The truth is that I am so scared that if we stay again it will be in the fall, not before .. now everything is too big for me and I need time.
I no longer know that a more engaged relationship is not possible, it is that I wonder if I am able to maintain a simple friendship at a distance with anyone.

Everything will be seen.

Spoiler: Original Text

Si que seguim en contacte, però aquesta setmana m'he enfonsat una mica, doncs no deixo de comparar-me amb ella i surto perdent per tot arreu... no m'importaría gaire sinó fós per com m'ha afectat el fet de sortir; l'exposició al sol, a l'entorn, trencar les meves rutines (tinc TOC). Fins i tot m'ha afectat mentalment i aquesta nit passada ja m'ho notava, no em trec el malestar de fons, masses sensacions dins meu. La meva percepció del pas del temps també ha canviat (els dies passen a poc a poc, tot va més lent).

La veritat es que tinc tanta por que si tornem a quedar serà a la tardor, no abans.. ara tot em va massa gran i necessito temps.
Ja no es que no sigui possible una relació més compromesa, es que em plantejo si sóc capaç de mantenir una simple amistat a distància amb qualsevol persona.

Tot es veurà.

I'm so sorry you're having a bad week with your thoughts. It's great that you're keeping in touch though and she obviously likes you as a person. Although perhaps you need to take your own advice to me here - maybe you're judging yourself way too harshly and putting this girl on a pedestal (this is a term used in English where you look up to someone and don't see any faults).

I understand how difficult it is though when you get trapped in a spiral of isolation. We are social animals and need both human connection and some outside stimulus to be able to function. We all need it to some extent and without it, we become more and more sensitive to anything outside the comfort of our familiar four walls. I guess it's a bit like exercise where you force your body to do something that's temporarily uncomfortable, but not too much to break it, and then it becomes much easier to do day-day-day tasks like walking up stairs or carrying heavy items.

Perhaps doing all these things that you're not used to, at the same time - sun exposure, travelling, new environment, meeting up with a girl you really like - perhaps it was all a bit too much in one go? But maybe if you did a little every day such as a short walk or a few minutes of sun exposure, then next time you meet her it will be a bit easier?

I think it's wonderful for you that you have this new connection in your life. She sounds like a lovely person from what you say. And you must be too, for her to be friends with you.

Lol you’ll see what I mean in due time, cupcake

Maybe you're right. I've decided to call the whole thing off anyway.

A few days ago we got a bit carried away and had phone sex (Whatsapp sex). It was something completely out of character for me but at the time, it was quite exciting that it was out of character. We even sent videos to each other. I felt a bit weird about it the next day but decided it was ok because it was just two adults having fun. But then there was no communication the next day, which I also decided was ok because this is just the natural ebb and flow of things. People need the space to back away if they want. But then it continued into the next day - him leaving me on read all day which has never happened before.

I think I panicked then. I just suddenly felt completely mortified and embarrassed about what I'd done and.. exposed I guess. Vulnerable. So I decided the best course of action would be to delete Whatsapp, delete all the evidence (my side anyway) and pretend none of it ever happened. I'm fully aware that ghosting isn't the mature way to go but I'm too embarrassed to be an adult about it. Although I admit I'm due on my period and that my ability to think and act rationally might be somewhat compromised right now. I'll have to reinstall Whatsapp eventually because of a couple of groups I'm in but I'm happy to spend a few days without it, rebuilding my defences I guess.

It's funny you know. On one level, part of me is watching me sabotage myself and completely understands the reasons for it. But the part of me that feels very sad and heavy and has been unsuccessfully fighting back tears all day, that part doesn't care about the theory at all. It just wants to protect me from becoming more sad.

This video came up on my feed earlier and it really resonated with me. It's another Teal Swan video and she describes something called the "doll complex" where a parent only has a kid because they desire an animated doll to play with - much in the same way a child finds esteem in caring for a toy doll. The parent doesn't quite realise that their child is a separate person from them with their own needs and would prefer to put the child away in the corner and take it out again when it suits them. She then goes on to describe how this severely affects the child in later life, making it very difficult for them to form relationships.

I realised this was exactly how my own mother approached parenting - she wanted a little girl to dress up and do its hair but got very upset and angry if I had needs. My mother is dead now but whenever I think of her, all I hear is her screaming at me. Some of my earliest memories are of me begging and pleading with her to be friends with me again after she'd gone in a sulk because of something I'd done.

It's an interesting video anyway. I think most people who are suicidal have these experiences rooted in childhood.

 

[Dead Ghost]

Famous Last Words, never be ashamed of you, nor do you collapse me please. I recognize everything that happens to you, it is always the fear of everything, the insecurities that crack the beautiful things that have happened to you these days, the fact of thinking if the other person will understand you and really accept how you are or will run away from you when your relationship evolves.

It's happened to me all these days, too,.. yesterday I hinted to my friend that we would probably never leave again until autumn arrived from October and I was surprised by her cheerful refusal to accept it, so I understand that soon we will see each other again (and I hope I can look her face without fear and maybe shake her hand)... I love him very much... it makes me feel good she don't be afraid to be my friend of mine.

Let's see how I do it to deal with the "inclement weather" of the summer. I used to like to walk and walk and not stop walking and because of the pandemic I was scared to leave my house a lot (unless she asks me to, I don't even think about it much).

Trust you, please, but will you do better than you?

Spoiler: Text original

Famous Last Words, no t'avergonyeixis mai de tú, ni te m'ensorris si us plau. Recònec tot el que et passa, sempre és la por a tot, les inseguretats que esquerden les coses boniques que t'han passat aquests dies, el fet de pensar si l'altra persona et comprendrà i acceptarà realment com ets o fugirà de tú quan la vostra relació evolucioni.

A mi també m'ha passat pel cap de tot aquest dies,.. ahír li vaig insinuar a la meva amiga que probablement ja no tornariem a sortir fins que arribés la tardor a partir d'Octubre i em va sorprende la seva negativa alegre a acceptar-ho, així que entenc que aviat ens tornarem a veure (i espero poder-li mirar a la cara sense por i potser donar-li la mà)... jo es que l'estimo molt... em fa sentir bé que no tingui por de ser amiga meva.

A veure com m'ho faig per fer front a les "inclemències" de l'estiu. Abans m'agradava caminar i caminar i no parar de caminar i per culpa de la pandèmia he agafat por a sortir gaire de casa (sinó es que m'ho demana ella, es que ni m'ho penso gaire).

Confia en tu, si us plau, sinó que ho farà millor que tú?

 

[Famous Last Words]

Famous Last Words, never be ashamed of you, nor do you collapse me please. I recognize everything that happens to you, it is always the fear of everything, the insecurities that crack the beautiful things that have happened to you these days, the fact of thinking if the other person will understand you and really accept how you are or will run away from you when your relationship evolves.

It's happened to me all these days, too,.. yesterday I hinted to my friend that we would probably never leave again until autumn arrived from October and I was surprised by her cheerful refusal to accept it, so I understand that soon we will see each other again (and I hope I can look her face without fear and maybe shake her hand)... I love him very much... it makes me feel good she don't be afraid to be my friend of mine.

Let's see how I do it to deal with the "inclement weather" of the summer. I used to like to walk and walk and not stop walking and because of the pandemic I was scared to leave my house a lot (unless she asks me to, I don't even think about it much).

Trust you, please, but will you do better than you?

That's great news, Ghost, I'm so happy for you! You must be very excited. I'm sure it will be much easier for you this time, now that you've already done it once before. It's easy to say but try not to let nerves get the better of you. Just be in the moment and focus on the present :)

I think it's back on now with this guy. Maybe I overreacted a little. I reinstalled Whatsapp and he'd sent a few messages so I replied and we had quite a fun and friendly exchange. He didn't seem to notice that I'd had a breakdown, ended it with him and ghosted him for an entire day.

I really don't think I'm cut out for this human connection thing. I know it's a thing we need but I think I struggle with genuine closeness. I don't think I've ever actually experienced love but I've become good at being friendly and likeable while never letting anyone in beyond a very surface level. It would really be a big relief to me now if this "relationship" was to end but in another way, I really don't want it to. It's very confusing.

 

[Dead Ghost]

To Famous Last Words,

It is the first time in my life that I have fallen in love with someone (who had to tell me a year ago, when I was 43) and that I have loved someone... I am learning to separate infatuation from affection, but without a doubt I would never have dared to take certain steps towards her without the push that comes from being in love with someone.

I know I have her on an altar, but I don't care because no one has ever treated me with such respect, affection and understanding before. And in fact her appearance in my life was very accidental and perhaps fortuitous.

Imagine myself a year ago, in June, with a lot of growing discomfort for quite some time, with no will to live and gradually coming to the conclusion that everything is over, that there is nothing more ahead and that I just have to find a "polite" and discreet way to put an end to it all.
One more month passes, July, the pressure in my head is enormous that I have already decided to die but I don't know how to do it. The days go by and at the end of July I decide to consider myself dead without taking the step (a strange attitude, I know)... and it works, at least the first days... and I think that maybe this gain of time, of calm, will not last long and I will fall back into my dark reality...

And I don't know why, I also decide to take another step forward, considering an impossible, a last wish: a good friendship.
Considering that I do not relate to people beyond what is strictly necessary, it was a step that broke with everything, but since I was going to kill myself, I had nothing to lose.
And in the network we met because of a strong misunderstanding, and the topic of suicide came out very strong from the beginning... and the months went by and everything that I had never felt before for anyone grew inside me.

I suffered a lot during this year, I didn't understand what was happening to me and I don't know how many times I was about to throw everything overboard in despair: I cried, I didn't sleep, anxiety attacks very often and a lot of fear... I deleted emails from her, I wrote some of my own, which I never sent, begging to leave the relationship. A nightmare from top to bottom.

But everything goes on as if it did not depend on me, everything is guided. And often I lose hope again and suddenly a single gesture from her makes everything calm down inside my head.

I have never had a partner and I don't mind not having one, as I have no social skills or any kind of experience in emotional relationships.
I am fine with the way things are going for me, although I am aware that if someday it ends I will find myself with many problems that I carry inside me and have not known how to solve.

As you say, everything is very confusing, but sometimes quite pleasant.

I can only tell you to make an effort to put aside your fears, insecurities and let yourself be loved by others.

Good luck and don't lose heart.

Spoiler: Original text

Jo és la primera vegada en tota la meva vida que m'he enamorat d'algú (qui m'ho havía de dir fa un any, quan tenía 43) i que he estimat algú... estic aprenent a separar enamorament d'estima, però sens dubte mai m'hagués atrevit a fer segons quins passos cap a ella sense l'empenta que et dona el fet d'estar penjat d'algú.

Se que la tinc en un altar, però no m'importa perquè ningú abans m'ha tractat amb tant de respecte, estima i comprenssió. I de fet la seva aparició a la meva vida va ser molt accidentada i potser fortuïta.

Imagina't la meva persona ara fa un any, Juny, amb molt de malestar creixent de força temps, sense ganes de viure i poc a poc arribant a la conclusió que tot s'ha acabat, que no hi ha rés més per endavant i que només he de trobar una manera "educada" i discreta de posar-hi fi.
Passa un mes més, el Juliol, la pressió al meu cap és enorme davant el fet que ja he decidit morir però no se pas com fer-ho. Van passant els dies i a finals de Juliol decideixo donar-me per mort sense fer el pas (un actitud estranya, ja ho se)... i funciona, almenys els primers dies... i penso que potser aquest guany de temps, de calma, no durarà pas gaire i tornaré a caure a la meva fosca realitat...

I no se perquè, decideixo també fer un altre pas endavant, plantejant-me un impossible, un últim desig: una bona amistat.
Tenint en compte que no em relaciono amb la gent més enllà de l'estrictament necessari va ser un pas que trencava amb tot, però ja que m'anava a matar, no tenía res a perdre.
I a la xarxa ens vem conèixer per un fort malentés, i el tema del suïcidi ja va sortir ben fort d'inici.. i van anar passant els mesos i va crèixer dins meu tot el que no havía sentit mai abans per ningú.

He patit molt durant aquest any, no comprenía el que em passava i no se quantes vegades he estat a punt de llençar-ho tot per la borda desesperat: he plorat, no he dormit, atacs d'ansietat molt sovint i molta por... he esborrat correus seus, n'he escrit de meus, que no he arribat a enviar mai, suplicant de deixar la relació. Tot un malson de dalt abaix.

Però tot continua endavant com si no depengués de mi, tot va guiat. I sovint perdo altre cop l'esperança i de cop i volta un sol gest seu fa que tot es calmi dins el meu cap.

No he tingut mai parella i no m'importa no tenir-la, doncs no tinc habilitats socials ni cap tipus d'experiència en relacions afectives.
A mi ja m'està bé com em van les coses, tot i que sóc conscient que si algún dia s'acaba em trobaré amb molts problemes que carrego dins meu i no he sabut pas resoldre.

Com tu dius, tot plegat és molt confós,... però de vegades força agradable.

Només et puc dir que t'esforcis en deixar de banda les teves pors, inseguretats i deixa't estimar pels altres.

Sort i no defalleixis pas.