Ameya

Ameya

Pudding
Mar 22, 2021
62
Dramatic title to catch some attention. My bad
I am going to start my vent now.
I have failed my last attempts and I really want to die now, but I made one fatal mistake. I talked about me feeling suicidal. Somehow I miraculously got a partner (I don't want to bost I'm sorry if it sounds like that). I opened up to him about being suicidal. He's also well..depressed AND suicidal. And I told him I don't think I can hold on any longer. He said he'll follow me into my footsteps when I die. I don't want him to kill himself bc of me. I don't want to be the reason. Before you think he's very evil. He wouldn't kill himself if we broke up. Just knowing the fact that I will be gone would trigget that. I might have created a toxic codpandecy without my intention. I love him very much, but I don't want to live. Now instead of dragging myself to death I would drag him there too.
THIS MAKES ME SUPER GUILTY. This is the only rule I have for myself: Not dragging anyone to death with me or minimising the trauma of someone finding me. Hence why a lot of methods are out of the question for me. My partner doesn't know that. I never told him. But whenever he tells me he loves me I feel incredibly guilty.
A similar scenario happned with another friend of mine too. I was just at rock bottem and I told him I'd end myself one day. He said basically the same as my partner. "If you die I die". I can't do this anymore. Why are they keeping me alive with my own guilt. I never ment to open up about my suicidal ideations, but I did bc I felt desperate. Now I don't know what to do.

I know I sound super spoiled bc I have people around me and some on this forum don't. I'm super sorry for that. But I am in pain with just living no matter who is around me. I am my biggest enemy
 
Rounded Apathy

Rounded Apathy

Longing to return to stardust
Aug 8, 2022
205
sound like a hard place to be in, and good of you to acknowledge you have people who do care for you. the truth of the matter is you can never know the effects of your actions until they happen; your ctb-ing could very well have led someone you know to doing the same down the line, even if you weren't aware. in fact "survivors" of suicide (as in those who were close to someone who did) are already at a much higher rate for ending up committing it themselves.

I think the vast majority of us would rather be able to live on our own terms than die, and because of that want the same for those we care for. this could apply to your situation. maybe it's an opportunity to talk to these two about what they're dealing with and try to elevate all of your situations. i hope things work out.
 
FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Wish that I was gone.
Sep 24, 2020
14,697
That sounds like a difficult situation to be in and it must be hard to deal with. Things like that are why I never see it as a good idea to open up to others about being suicidal, nothing good can ever come from it, it will only just make things worse. I wish you relief from suffering.