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fuckthis

fuckthis

I've made up my mind.
Sep 23, 2018
264
A lot of things have changed in the past few months. It has been a rollercoaster, and in the process of it I lost all my friends, and am no longer in education. Instead I just sit inside my room all day either having a wank or on YouTube. The first thing I do when I wake up is boot my PC up, and go onto YouTube. Even though I know it's just gonna be the same shit. Same loop. Every message pop up I got from Reddit excited me, even if it were a pointless response. I even get excited when someone likes my comment, or responds to me on here. I guess it means I'm being heard by someone. I get so desperate for human interaction. As much as I hate the general mass, and how they follow everything like a mindless heard, I still want to be part of it. I still want to interact with them and speak to them. It's stupid. The longer I isolate myself the worse it gets and I can't break the cycle. I tried to get help, I went to the doctors and gave them 4 pages worth of information about how I was dealing with a lot of demons, I made it very explicit how I felt and what I thought I had. But I guess I was wrong. Aparently all I needed was a "walk in the park" even though I excercise almost every fucking day. I have felt invalidated ever since.

I feel as if my whole life has been a lie. I was told there would be great things, new experiences I'd enjoy and friends I'd keep forever. But instead I'm venting on a fucking suicide forum 16 years into my life, trying to order antiemetics from Greece. Like seriously, what the fuck is happening? What is wrong with me? Why can't I even visit the barbers for a haircut. Why do I stutter and sweat even when in the presence of somebody else. I feel like a bitch, a waste of oxygen. A toy that has been manipulated and tested by others. Why my parents decided to have me I have no fucking clue. My dad is fucking useless. He'd rather watch TV and drink alcohol all day. I hardly see my mother and when I do I treat her like shit out of impulse. My sisters are something else.

I don't know how long I'll give myself before I finally break. But when I do it'll come as a massive shock to everyone in my life. God knows what they think of me now. I had a dream two nights ago, where I had seen this cute girl and we had started talking, and all my problems just... went away. I didn't for a second think about my anxiety or anything else. I was happy. Then I woke up, and it was the worst fucking feeling ever. It was like this huge hit inside my brain as I slowly started to realize that it was just a dream, and I'm still here...
 
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Desperate_Soul

Desperate_Soul

I'll See You Guys On The Other Side Of The Rainbow
Aug 26, 2018
1,980
A lot of things have changed in the past few months. It has been a rollercoaster, and in the process of it I lost all my friends, and am no longer in education. Instead I just sit inside my room all day either having a wank or on YouTube. The first thing I do when I wake up is boot my PC up, and go onto YouTube. Even though I know it's just gonna be the same shit. Same loop. Every message pop up I got from Reddit excited me, even if it were a pointless response. I even get excited when someone likes my comment, or responds to me on here. I guess it means I'm being heard by someone. I get so desperate for human interaction. As much as I hate the general mass, and how they follow everything like a mindless heard, I still want to be part of it. I still want to interact with them and speak to them. It's stupid. The longer I isolate myself the worse it gets and I can't break the cycle. I tried to get help, I went to the doctors and gave them 4 pages worth of information about how I was dealing with a lot of demons, I made it very explicit how I felt and what I thought I had. But I guess I was wrong. Aparently all I needed was a "walk in the park" even though I excercise almost every fucking day. I have felt invalidated ever since.

I feel as if my whole life has been a lie. I was told there would be great things, new experiences I'd enjoy and friends I'd keep forever. But instead I'm venting on a fucking suicide forum 16 years into my life, trying to order antiemetics from Greece. Like seriously, what the fuck is happening? What is wrong with me? Why can't I even visit the barbers for a haircut. Why do I stutter and sweat even when in the presence of somebody else. I feel like a bitch, a waste of oxygen. A toy that has been manipulated and tested by others. Why my parents decided to have me I have no fucking clue. My dad is fucking useless. He'd rather watch TV and drink alcohol all day. I hardly see my mother and when I do I treat her like shit out of impulse. My sisters are something else.

I don't know how long I'll give myself before I finally break. But when I do it'll come as a massive shock to everyone in my life. God knows what they think of me now.

This was a good read. If I interpreted this wrong and I don't make much sense, it's because I'm really sleepy and I'm going to take a nap after posting this reply. Here goes nothing. I'm assuming you want to live, but the demon inside of your head just won't let you, and the people around you don't help either. You've tried everything you could, but your body and mind just won't let you be happy. These feelings you have of excitement are understandable. We're all real people on this forum, and honestly, some people are on here not just to look up things for suicide, but to receive what they need that they don't get in their real life such as attention, love, acceptance, feeling understood, friendship, and more. In your case, you said you were happy when you were with the girl in your dream. Have you tried going out on dates? There are apps for that. This is a genuine question. I know nerves and anxiety will play a part too, but once you get past that and step just a tiny bit out of your comfort zone, you get familiar with people and you open up.
 
fuckthis

fuckthis

I've made up my mind.
Sep 23, 2018
264
This was a good read. If I interpreted this wrong and I don't make much sense, it's because I'm really sleepy and I'm going to take a nap after posting this reply. Here goes nothing. I'm assuming you want to live, but the demon inside of your head just won't let you, and the people around you don't help either. You've tried everything you could, but your body and mind just won't let you be happy. These feelings you have of excitement are understandable. We're all real people on this forum, and honestly, some people are on here not just to look up things for suicide, but to receive what they need that they don't get in their real life such as attention, love, acceptance, feeling understood, friendship, and more. In your case, you said you were happy when you were with the girl in your dream. Have you tried going out on dates? There are apps for that. This is a genuine question. I know nerves and anxiety will play a part too, but once you get past that and step just a tiny bit out of your comfort zone, you get familiar with people and you open up.

You've perfectly summed it up. This is like the only decent response I have gotten and it's from this forum. I usually get really generic responses. I have never dated anyone, I'm only 16 and I'm a recluse unfortunately. I struggle to even look up when I walk around in public areas. I'm also pretty unhinged and not stable enough to be in a relationship. I think it's unfair to put a lot of weight onto somebody else. I'm not their patient.
 
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azucaramargo

azucaramargo

Enlightened
Sep 16, 2018
1,010
You're an excellent writer, FT. I can't believe you're only 16. So smart! I also get ELATED when I get a response on YouTube or this forum. Mental-health issues can be so isolating and alienating--I really hate that. I also crave human contact. You are an excellent writer, and the way you describe yourself mistreating your mom out of impulse -- SO well-put. I do that, too. To my mom.
 
Kogoruhn

Kogoruhn

Student
May 20, 2018
109
OP, you remember me at that age, specially about the anxiety issues. I didn't have the courage to seek help or change until around 8 years later. The biggest step for me was talking to my family about my issues, before seeking help outside. Its like it gives you a base of confidence to which you can return. You could start there, maybe talking with your sisters?