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Sep 30, 2018
well i read here all the time that people here are so nice but this certainly dont apply me to me. or st least it didnt use to. its only know that my life turned to complete shit that im humble and that im self reflecting more. and the truth is

i was vain, shallow, envious, vindictive, resentful, manipulating, self absorbed, selfish, even hateful.

i constantly compared myself to others. until this day i cant be genuily happy for others people success. if i see other people who are better than me i dont feel aspiration or motivation. i feel hate and envy. i have no intrinsic source for happiness. if people are around me are miserable i feel good. if they do well i feel bad.

i used to treat people „below“ me or people who cared/loved me like shit. exploited them emotionally, mentally a few times even physically.

but all this time i didnt felt like a bad person. no quite the opposite i felt like a victim. why? for the one part i dont have a sadistic tendency so i never hurt people for pleasure. if i did it was either bc i didnt think about it or bc i had the feeling they „deserved“ it because they „wronged“ me in any way. for the other part i never was really at the top of the food chain (eg before i got blessed by a second puberty with 17 i was one of these scrawny tall kids with no muscles) so of course some people not just „wronged“ me but really wronged me. if i think about it i might even got bullied - at least i was center of jokes for my scrawny appearance.

and i just focused on that. until today i can tell you back to kindergarten when i experienced misjustice by someone else. but my own actions? i forgot about it most of the times - and even if, it was either justified or „not so bad“ right? right guys?

no that i think about it i feel disgusted by myself. and at this point i cant even tell if i wouldnt have become on of this stereotypically bullies you know from highschool movies under different conditions.

and if im honest these bad personal traits contributed a lot to my personal downfall even though there were a lot of external factors out of my controll involved
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Sep 23, 2018
With me, is different. I am docile most of the time, but there are a few days when I wake up differently, or suddenly someone awakens another side of me, very violent. When I was younger I thought it was some kind of psychopath, but it has absolutely nothing to do with it. Does not stop scaring me sometimes.