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Deleted member 2141

Deleted member 2141

The angel of choice is enduring.
Aug 30, 2018
5,309
I've grown up with Aspergers and social anxiety (further exacerbated with loss of confidence due to bullying and harsh parenting, authoritarian parents), and while I don't have any physical disability, I've just barely kept up in life. With that said, I could just not imagine how much worse my life would be, if on top of the existing conditions and ailments, that I become physically and intellectually disabled.

In other words, suppose that on a given task I'm going at near 100% effort and ability, and my output is only 4/5 of the average person while the average person is going at around 70-80% effort and ability, then they are either getting 4/5 output maybe 5/5 sometimes. I'll give a concrete example, let's say playing an instrument, the piano for instance.

(Me while able bodied)
Me - Going at/near 100% effort - I could perform level 8 music and polish it to performance/concert level.
Other concert musician - Going at/near 80% capacity and power - performs level 8 music and also polishes to performance level. Therefore if he/she goes at 100% effort will outperform me.

(Me physically disabled - depending on impairment)
Me - Going at/near 100% effort - only able to perform maybe level 4-5 music and maybe not polished to performance level.
Other concert musician - Going around 70% effort - performs level 7 music and maybe polished to performance level.

I just cannot imagine living in a world where I'm fucked over on top of my existing conditions and then getting fucked over even worse with additional ailments or disabilities. That alone would be more than enough motivation and fuel for me to ctb. What are your thoughts on this?

tl;dr - life is already difficult as it is and if given our circumstances we are just barely keeping up, then anything worse would make it unbearable.

Edit: Sorry if this is confusing, feel free to ask for clarification and I will try to explain it. I may also consider rewriting the example or use different example if the one I gave is too ambiguous or confusing.
 
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TheFool

TheFool

Member
Oct 19, 2018
83
I think I see what you're saying. I've always felt behind others in a lot of ways, and though I've managed to keep up more or less, it's always been a struggle. And I always feel like I'm on the brink of disaster, like the next bad thing that happens to me could be the one that finally does me in. It's taking everything I've got to maintain this low level of functioning as it is.