Be rude to me at all times, I don't deserve kindne
- Jun 27, 2022
My life is bad purely because of my self destructive behaviours. I don't want to die, but it feels like I have to. I have become a fat lazy outsider. I'm very disappointed in myself. I don't know how to change anymore. I learned to just give in and give up. Totally give up. I think I'm the only person in the world who has purposefully ruined everything they had. I'm not strong enough to ctb. I hope I'll get better. I mean I still try. But I'm so out of it I'm so addicted to binge eating and browsing. I've ruined my life, it's not who I was 6 months ago. I have hope sometimes, but then I ruin everything. Nobody cares, even the therapists and psychologist don't fucking care. Nobody will truly every put as much faith in me and love and support. Nobody will drag me out of this. Nobody will understand me. I'm all alone. I'm so alone that I'm going crazy. And I'm too afraid and too far gone to have normal relationships. I'm too fat and indulgent to live like a normal 19yo. Nobody will ever want to be around me, I can sometimes be bearable. But eventually everyone gets tired of me. I don't know how to be better. How to manage my destructive behaviour. It feels like everyone is out to get me and laugh at me and like everyone knows that I don't have any real struggles, all my problems are my fault. Everyone is just making fun of me and they pity me behind my back. I deserve to be laughed at. My effort is funny, I should just ctb already. I stopped being myself a long time ago. Life is suffering and it's all consequences of my actions, me alone and nobody else. I want to never wake up. I want my family to never wake up either. Because they support me and want to help me, they would be sad if I died. But they're also tired of me, I'm a burden and I'm fat and ugly. The worst possible combo of human traits. At least if I were skinny I wouldn't look so pathetic. I deserve this. I felt like the worst person on earth and I destroyed my health. Now I'm so fucked. So fucked.