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coleradedios

coleradedios

a day more, a day less
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Thank you all. It was just a day, but a day of heavy drinking. He was angry with a family problem. I was meeting some friends and they all ordered beer and I said, me too! I don't think two beers will hurt me. But there were more and I feel bad because I lost control when I was alone, you know, calling on the phone to declare my love, thank goodness he did not take it, then he went, and I broke a trash can. A disaster.
 
TriggerHappy

TriggerHappy

Inthe kingdom ofthe blind; the one-eyed are kings
Joined
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Messages
733
coleradedios said:
Thank you all. It was just a day, but a day of heavy drinking. He was angry with a family problem. I was meeting some friends and they all ordered beer and I said, me too! I don't think two beers will hurt me. But there were more and I feel bad because I lost control when I was alone, you know, calling on the phone to declare my love, thank goodness he did not take it, then he went, and I broke a trash can. A disaster.
Sorry for you my friend :: and we've all led such judgement-free, dignity filled lives, haven't we?? Never.
Join the club. You deserve the membership, no shame in that.
Strong emotions and stronger chemicals (incl alcohol) are a truly crazy mix. You might think it's a disaster and a mess, maybe sometimes it is...
But you got to see & understand it. Learn from it as long as you stop judging yrself.
No one can be harder on you than you, so give yrself a break.
One day at a time, one minute at a time :: if its meant to get fixed, it will.
Maybe not now, but have faith.
There's no way its a disaster if you learn from it, its maybe a disaster if you don't.
Much love.
 
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coleradedios

coleradedios

a day more, a day less
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Messages
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Thank you really, it's just how bad you feel not being able to control yourself, maybe there was a lot of pain inside and it came out like that. For now I'm going to continue without drinking (or trying) and leave it like a big bump.
 
Celerity

Celerity

Living life at a crossroads, always
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I’m on Day 3. My mother is also an alcoholic, so it is very difficult to abstain completely. I am happy with myself for even making it this far.

Yesterday evening, I had such a strong urge to drink beer that I could almost taste it. I wasn’t feeling upset about anything or even happy. No emotion drew me to the drink, just raw craving.

The rewiring of my brain is startlingly obvious. Years ago when I binge drank in episodes, I never experienced such craving. Years of chronic use did this.
 
TriggerHappy

TriggerHappy

Inthe kingdom ofthe blind; the one-eyed are kings
Joined
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Messages
733
coleradedios said:
Thank you really, it's just how bad you feel not being able to control yourself, maybe there was a lot of pain inside and it came out like that. For now I'm going to continue without drinking (or trying) and leave it like a big bump.
How are you doing? No judgements I swear :: just your truth :: you've been on my mind.
 
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coleradedios

coleradedios

a day more, a day less
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TriggerHappy said:
How are you doing? No judgements I swear :: just your truth :: you've been on my mind.
Not very well. In these 4 months of abstention, I have had ups and downs. Suicidal thoughts. But that day was a failure. I still have a great tolerance, and that is taking pills.
Celerity said:
I’m on Day 3. My mother is also an alcoholic, so it is very difficult to abstain completely. I am happy with myself for even making it this far.

Yesterday evening, I had such a strong urge to drink beer that I could almost taste it. I wasn’t feeling upset about anything or even happy. No emotion drew me to the drink, just raw craving.

The rewiring of my brain is startlingly obvious. Years ago when I binge drank in episodes, I never experienced such craving. Years of chronic use did this.
Our brain is no longer the same, it has the ability to heal itself. From the year of abstention, he will be practically 100% healthy. Another thing is the pills. I've been taking pills for 20 years and it's great shit. I know they have hurt my memory and do not cure my depression.

I advise you a physical activity to generate endorphins and spend your time better and not need alcohol
 
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TriggerHappy

TriggerHappy

Inthe kingdom ofthe blind; the one-eyed are kings
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Messages
733
coleradedios said:
Not very well. In these 4 months of abstention, I have had ups and downs. Suicidal thoughts. But that day was a failure. I still have a great tolerance, and that is taking pills.
Your thinking is so much like mine! How are u today? Now?
Stay away from your past :: you are not welcome there. It holds nothing but self deceit and sorrow for me.
You are a fucking warrior, I truly believe addiction (& the insanity it gets us into!) is the most difficult thing to grasp :: very few really get over it. I truly envy those that can.
I know its complicated (it always is) & if you're into someone similar to yourself the raw, always changing emotional ocean you're treading water in, feels like the moment u stop, u drown.
Be kind to yourself, or else you will pay the price.
You are worth the effort. I believe that.
Miguel // Triggerhappy
 
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TriggerHappy

TriggerHappy

Inthe kingdom ofthe blind; the one-eyed are kings
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Messages
733
Okay so I'm one of those idiots that hide behind my sense of humour so no one can figure out how messed up I am :: its been a psycho week.
That said how are you (all) doing? Esp @coleradedios :: u ok?
Miguel // Triggerhappy
 
coleradedios

coleradedios

a day more, a day less
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In my case it is that you think you control and you will only take two. I lie to myself. If I don't want to go back, I have to leave it completely.
 
TriggerHappy

TriggerHappy

Inthe kingdom ofthe blind; the one-eyed are kings
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Messages
733
coleradedios said:
In my case it is that you think you control and you will only take two. I lie to myself. If I don't want to go back, I have to leave it completely.
My friend; i know exactly how yu feeling.
That feeling like yu are on autopilot :: watching yu doing the actions (while shouting at yrself to stop!! &); doing the shit yu know is gonna mess yu up, but yu do it anyway... aargh.
Then there's the telling ourselv's:
  • this time is different /
  • this time we got self respect & self control! .../
  • all the while minimizing my use: (i'm so not as bad as my mates i hang out with!!)/
  • I'm financially flush, /
  • my only worth is my net worth that I'm bringing in/
  • I deserve sumthin fun /
  • I work so fkg hard, no validation whatsoever/
  • my life sucks/
  • I'm so fkg lonely/
  • I'm so damn depressed/
  • & invisible;/
  • no-one gives a fk about me anyway/
  • I'm so exhausted, :: so tired of myself -
  • this will never fkg change/
  • what's the point in trying, I'm gonna fail anyway/
  • I'm a spectacular failure :: if I'm gonna fckout anyway -im destined to;/
  • might as well do it right now.
This is the stuff that goes round and round in my head till I'm so tired & broken that using becomes some sort of release / relief.
I've put it in point format so you /i /we can isolate the (random & disordered) thinkng..
Loads of times I use for fun, but most of the time I use to remain functional.

Note: nowhere in the process of mental degradation (no pun intended, I wish it was funny but its not) do I :: get out of my head by doing recovery stuff :: this isn't easy- it doesn't come naturally
  • try change my thinking /
  • get busy doing sumthing else.../
  • get busy doing anything else.../
  • hit the gym / road/ lake/
  • reading just for today/
  • writing the inner madness out on page, not reading it/
  • saying affirmations when I'm mentally too messed up to focus/
  • remembering my magickal meditations.../
  • pray, pray, pray.
remember it took us a while to fkout so brilliantly, know it will take time to get back.
& it will never be / yu will never be the same person u once were.
You don't wanna be (that person was heading for a mighty crash...)
Maybe be something new, it won't be super efficient or have everything 'waxed', but it will a work in progress, yr version of perfect.
So even if you're lit (drunk /high) right now, its okay,
things will change when you're willing, (they already have, yu can tell)...
when you're willing to realise you're part of something bigger that's in control,
you're reading /communicating / taking stock of what's up.
Only awareness brings action.
I'm a monster delinquent fuckup, (to quote my family)
so I know that I know nothing.
But I know this cos I've seen yr communication :: yu r a worthwhile &beautiful person (evn if u don't believe this, checkout yr likes etc on this forum to prove my point).
& were here 4u cos we believe in yu.
Much love,
Miguel /Trigger
 
coleradedios

coleradedios

a day more, a day less
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I have stopped drinking since those episodes, but you know how worrying? tolerance has not lowered anything. In 4 months, nothing.
 
Celerity

Celerity

Living life at a crossroads, always
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coleradedios said:
I have stopped drinking since those episodes, but you know how worrying? tolerance has not lowered anything. In 4 months, nothing.
Are you drinking in the same setting? The effects of alcohol on our perception has been shown in laboratory studies to be influenced by our prior experiences with alcohol and our expectations of how it will make us feel (and how fast). They have even conned research participants with fake booze, and the participants reported getting a buzz. My point is that at least some of your tolerance may be based on this. Your tolerance has to decrease over time. Maybe it will take a long time to get noticeable results. I would reach out to r/stopdrinking on Reddit to see if anybody has some experience with the process.
 
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coleradedios

coleradedios

a day more, a day less
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Celerity said:
Are you drinking in the same setting? The effects of alcohol on our perception has been shown in laboratory studies to be influenced by our prior experiences with alcohol and our expectations of how it will make us feel (and how fast). They have even conned research participants with fake booze, and the participants reported getting a buzz. My point is that at least some of your tolerance may be based on this. Your tolerance has to decrease over time. Maybe it will take a long time to get noticeable results. I would reach out to r/stopdrinking on Reddit to see if anybody has some experience with the process.
I do not know if it could be because of the GABA receptors that I will have them destroyed by so much benzodiazepine
 
Celerity

Celerity

Living life at a crossroads, always
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Messages
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coleradedios said:
I do not know if it could be because of the GABA receptors that I will have them destroyed by so much benzodiazepine
Do you have access to a doctor who may be able to advise you on this?
 
coleradedios

coleradedios

a day more, a day less
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Celerity said:
Do you have access to a doctor who may be able to advise you on this?
Sure, the brain becomes "normal" in 1 to 3 years of abstinence. The problem is the other drugs: antidepressants, anxiolytics ... that I have been taking for more than 20 years and they also create addiction.
 
Celerity

Celerity

Living life at a crossroads, always
Joined
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Messages
1,608
coleradedios said:
Sure, the brain becomes "normal" in 1 to 3 years of abstinence. The problem is the other drugs: antidepressants, anxiolytics ... that I have been taking for more than 20 years and they also create addiction.
Ah, I’m sorry. I don’t like docs, but it may be worth it in your case to consult one. I saw some scary shit when I worked as a note-taker in the emergency room. One guy trying to come off alcohol seized and cracked his head open. Blood everywhere. Had to be put under and incubated.

Talking to a doctor may at least give you some things to watch out for and help set some expectations about how to proceed. Your case sounds complex and may benefit from some medical advice or supervision.
 
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