i hate myself

i hate myself

May 2, 2018
hello everyone, i actually don't know why im here but everything in my whole life has become in a way that i only can think bout suicide, and i know that this isn't the best place for asking something like that, but i dont really want to think more about killing myself, i mean, i've become really, really fucking depressive and i know that that's not me.

i am 16 years old and my adolescence (and probably the rest of my life, but i didnt realized what was i really living) has been a completely fucking shit. When i was a child at school i was the typical outcast kid, everyone threw his shit to me like insulting me and i received some beatings and more types of abuses at school from other kids. I havent had too much friends, so i can say that my whole childhood was completely lonely. I took refuge in videogames, and i could say that i was really happy. I lived in those worlds until i was 13 years old, without any type of friends but at least i got my family that was really happy.

that summer i started to have some problems when walking and, after some visits to hospitals, doctors diagnosed my epiphysiolysis, that is a really weird disease of the hips and i have some really big surgerys. After one caotic week at that hospital, i came back to school and some assholes started to humilliated me (because i was in a wheelchair and i couldnt do anything to stop them) in really cruel ways, like carrying me in my chair and start to run really fast, after knowing that my fucking disease was hard and serious. Other guys started to insult me and shout me.

when i recovered a bit, i met my first girlfriend (it was a pretty toxic relationship). I REALLY felt in love and she was the only person in my whole life that brought to me something different. After two months she made me do some things that i could say i'm not really proud. She made me go out at 5 AM only to see her, and she really wasnt, she started to insult me again, and practically the same kind of bullying that those school assholes did to me. Finally she got tired of me and broke up with me, and she also broke my heart when i discovered that she never loved me, what she was really doing is using me to forget other fucking guy.

my parents got divorced, and after the divorce they started to fight and shout and insult each other a lot. At this point i started to hate my life a little bit, because i became even more alone. They had a judgement and my father told me in my face that he didn't loved me and he didn't wanted children. I started to live alone with my mom, that i hardly could see her, because she was working. Anyway, i became really lonely and depressive af.

that year was my worst year in my whole life. Anyone wanted to be my friend and have any type of contact with me, i stopped to play videogames because my online friends stopped to play with me, i havent had real life friends and my family was a real chaos. i was practically a whole year doing absolutely nothing, and it was really frustrating to me, because im a person who needs some type of human heat, if i can name it like that.

but casually i found some friends in my town, who played guitars and basses and drums and that kind of instruments and made some metal bands and played arround my town and that typical band shit. i started to open myself and at least i got what i was looking for: somes friends. I also started to play guitar and now i know how to play it. I became a huge grunge/indie movement fan and i became the typical alternative teenager but really fucking crazy.

i also formed an indie band who lasted few months, but in that band i met the fucking best fuck in the world. i mean, that fucking girl is my only happy memory of my whole life. I really felt in love, and this time was real. in february of this year i started a relationship with her, but few weeks later she became really strange, to have really weird behavior, and in the end we had to end our wonderful relationship because she ended up taking a depression. Seriously, she was my only reason to get up every morning, and she was the only reason why i smiled. i loved, and i love her.

few days later, i was really unhappy and depressed, i just lost the interest in life, in doing things because i know that it isn't going to end up well. its really frustrating. in this moment i cannot get out of my room, because im really scared of everything that could come up to me arround there. i'm crying most of the time with not a reason at all. And i'm really afraid of thinking about ctb, because i know that im young and the only thing i need is something who motivate me to continue living.

finally i wanted to say to you that if you are like me, who is really afraid of thinking about suicide, or really want to continue living, but you have depression and you need help, just PM me, and we could become friends, idk.


Apr 27, 2018
Have you read 'the subtle art of not giving a f ck ?' by Mark Manson ?

I got it on torrent the other day , and it has some good ideas .

( It included a reference to my latest guru ( I'm 54 so I've had a few ... ) so it had more credibility for me because of that . )

First thing I would say is that suicidal thinking can be 'symbolic' of values and important things in our lives crashing to the ground.

You may feel suicidal ... but from what you say - I would think it is more that kind of 'everything important is fucked' kind of thing .

It is difficult to see the difference ... but it is a different thing.
We identified fully with something that is now gone ... like we ourselves are somehow gone too.
We have our illusions shattered some times .
It can feel like the end of everything when our life frame-work is destroyed .

It is ok to be hurting , it is ok to feel despair , it is ok .

Now we need to take those small steps toward becoming someone who has a different view , different values , different goals ...
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