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Mecha Man

Experienced
Jul 16, 2018
232
Disclaimer: Yes, I actually did actually attempt suicide, and I posted my thoughts beforehand on some other forum when I was lost in madness and despair. Remnants of these thoughts come back to me when I'm not feeling good, but it's not how I generally feel now, nor do I want to believe these things (except for the parts I actually do believe, lol). I actually don't feel that great right now, and somehow felt like posting this here would help in some way *shrugs*. So without further adieu, my "what would I put in a suicide note?" letter.



"Hi everybody. My name is ----. Not really sure why I'm posting here since, if I actually post it, I'll either end up dead, or probably be too embarrassed to come back and read it. I guess I was thinking to myself what kind of things I would put in a suicide document, or letter, or whatever, and thought it would be easier if I made it into a post onto a forum. It just feels more productive for some reason.

The most obvious thing that I would think a person would put in a suicide letter would be the reason for doing it. Well, for me, in a way it's very simple; there's no reason to go on living. Period. Life has no significance. The idea of God and an afterlife was invented by people to help them cope with their fear of death. I myself have long admitted that I NEED to believe that there is a God and a heaven, and that there is some higher purpose for me in life, in order to motivate me to go on living a happy, healthy life. Non-Existence has been my greatest fear ever since I was a child, though I acknowledge that it is a completely irrational fear. If it is, in fact, the case, that when I die I will simply cease to exist in any form, then I would cause myself much less suffering just by dying right now. I've come to the realization recently that this is what I now believe to be true.

Of course, there are many others who would suffer immensely because of this, most of all my family. My death would be totally traumatic to my parents, and my older brother and sister. But putting my emotions aside, looking at it from a purely logical viewpoint, eventually they too will die, and when that happens, so too will -their- suffering come to an end. Ultimately, it makes no difference what you do in life, whether you do good, evil, or nothing at all. Nothing matters. I dream of a thing called significance... But it's a fabricated concept.

Does it sound strange that I don't -want- to be helped? That's actually how I've been feeling lately. I feel like I want someone to tell me it's ok to kill myself. That it's actually the smart thing to do. There are a lot of things holding us, or at least me, back from doing it. At least so far.

I've thought that in my suicide letter I would like to apologize to all the people who might (and those who most definitely will) be hurt in some way by my suicide. My parents, my siblings, my psychiatrist, and my friends. They might not ever hear about it, but I'd want to make a plea to the people who sold me whatever I might have used to assist me (let's say, just for a stupid example, that I bought some special rope to hang myself with) not to feel guilty as if they played a part in my death which could have been prevented. I don't want to cause any suffering, even though I'm downright contradicting myself because I'm also saying that it doesn't matter what you do in life, whether it be harmful or helpful to others.

All of these emotions, desires, feelings of obligation, and inclinations that there is some sort of higher power at work in life, or that there is some purpose or significance to it is nothing more than nature at work; all of these things are instilled in us in order to encourage the survival of our species, as that is nature's one and only purpose, or priority (If "nature" can be said to have such a thing): The perpetuation of life.

I came to the realization a long time ago, back when I was taking philosophy and ethics classes during the process of getting my undergraduate degree (when I was still mostly sane), that nature was a thing that I had no respect for; nature consists of a world of plant and animal life going around and brutally killing and consuming one another (and of course reproducing) in order to survive. Nature is totally and completely amoral. So, whenever I heard someone make an argument that such and such is wrong or immoral because it goes against "Nature," or "The natural order of things," I internally scoffed at the notion. And to this day I still do.

And now, putting it all together, I see that no matter what I do, what I think, what I try to tell myself, I am nature's slave. Whatever I do is within the natural order of things, because humans are now a part of nature (debatable I suppose). I vow that I WILL NOT be a slave to nature. If I could eradicate all life right now, I would. But I don't have that kind of power. The only real power I have is over my own life. I could go on endlessly trying to think of ways to beat nature, but it's simply futile, because the more time I spend living and using the brain that nature gave me, nature wins. Well I may not be able to beat nature for the rest of humanity, but at least I can free myself from it's shackles."
 
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Walilamdzi

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Mar 21, 2019
1,702
Thanks, I might try to write something soon, so that I have something ready, in case my motivation for writing eventually becomes nonexistent.