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DutchSuicidalPerson

Mage
Joined
Jan 31, 2021
Messages
513
I've signed up almost 2 months ago on this forum. While I'm new here, I've always been watching places like this, until back then when ASH was popular. I suffer from both autism and BPD, along with an anxiety disorder. Life has always been a hell for me in the almost 30 years I've been alive. I was at my worst about 8 years ago, when I have done things and hurt people I'm not proud of. If a product like SN was known back then, I'd have used it without a doubt. Still, life improved over the years, until a new unknown medical issue showed up. I don't want to go into details about this, but after many years there's still no diagnosis, it's getting worse and it's really unbearable to live with.

Euthanasia isn't possible in my case. Yes, I asked already, but because those psychiatrists that "helped" me over the years didn't do their job, work together and write proper reports, there's basically no written evidence I'm indeed suffering and all kind of treatments have been tried. I guess the only option is self-euthanasia. But there's still some hope left this new disease can be treated. I want to give this a chance, because despite all pain in my life, I have had some great moments over the last years. But if this illness fucks up everything I've worked for. I'm not going back from doctor to doctor while being financially unstable, trying to find a solution which won't come anyway. I've had enough of that.

Since things are slowly becoming worse, I did some research and signed up on this forum. I've always done this with good intentions. I quickly read as many details as possible about SN and made sure I had it as soon as possible. It's such a big relief having this product at home now. I feel much calmer, because I know there's an exit. Ok, there will be discomfort, maybe huge discomfort for a very short while when I use it, but based on reports, this discomfort will be nothing compared to the pain I experience.

I didn't ask to be born. So why am I forced by society to live? I've helped some other forum users looking for certain products as well, obviously not in public, although I also never encouraged anyone to CTB and never will. I hope the people who buy SN and other products won't use it at all. I hope they find an alternative. But if they don't, and life is unbearable for them, it's up to them to make their own decision about whether to live or not. Some people I didn't send info at all, based on posts they made here. I mean, sometimes treatment is an option that can help and you have to try first. While I'm so-called pro-choice, I also believe CTB should be the last option, when other options have ran out. It shouldn't be an impulsive choice you make in a few days. But these are my personal views, I respect those who have other opinions.

But all of this got back like a boomerang in my face. I've seen some people being very rude here to new users I was personally in contact with because they were making some mistakes. I've tried to calm them down, which didn't end well. Users, a certain one in particular, accused me of being part of some pro-life group infiltrating here to take down SN routes and reporting to the police. What a bullshit.

But that's just a user, I don't care that much. It got out of hand when I noticed a certain link in the wiki lead to a false version of the PPeH, containing an email address a user got scammed with before. I immediately contacted a moderator about this while telling no one, but unfortunately this moderator didn't come online in time. The next day, I posted this in public and clearly someone was reading along and quickly replaced it with a correct version. The moderator took this as an accusation against him/her, which was simply a misunderstanding, which he/she does not believe. And because there is no hard evidence of that file being replaced, even though another user confirmed it as well, the moderator concluded I am lying and spreading fake news, an accusation he/she posted in public multiple times at multiple places. I even received a formal warning via PM for this.

Well, I'm not gonna explain that whole story again, you can find that in other topics, because that's not the point of this post. The point is that I was here for support, not for a fight. I spent hours and hours trying to reason with this mod, trying to prove my innocence. Because I want to be on this forum. But it appears I am guilty until proven innocent. The issue quickly reached even Marcuis and has been discussed within the mod team. So basically I am now considered a liar, fake news spreader, fear mongoring and possible pro-life infiltrator on this forum, only because I've tried to help people. It is true that I made one post with a statement that turned out to be incorrect, for which I apologised, but I have always handled in good faith. I have done every reasonable attempt to start a constructive conversation with this moderator to clear my name, but I've failed.

As most of these events occured in public, everyone can see this. And what do people see? A fight between me, a new user, and a long-term member and moderator. Ofcourse everyone, including you who are reading this, will conclude I indeed cannot be trusted. I would reason the same way. My reputation has been damaged and unless I can prove my innocence, the moderators and other users will be cautious towards me, at the minimum. I considered creating a new account and start over, but that's against the rules as well.

I don't blame this moderator. I have read through his/her profile and posts and I know this is a person who experiences a lot of pain in life as well. I'm also confident he or she always done the best he/she could and did a lot for this forum. I just deeply regret he/she does not understand how this kind of stuff affects me and is not willing to have a chat about it.

We should be supporting each other goddamnit, not fight each other over some misunderstandings. The moderator in question will read this topic soon and it's his/her choice what to do. If you truly believe I'm a troublemaker, pro-life infiltrator and someone who wants to spread lies about you, then go ahead and ban me. But I hope you won't and I hope you will think this through. We're on the same side, no matter how sceptical you may be. Please note this topic is not meant to open the discussion again, this is my topic to vent my feelings and frustrations about this place.

I feel very unwelcome here. I'm lonely and not welcome at any place actually, so I was hoping a place like this, where there are less tabboo's, might be a good place for me to hang out. But I'm not even welcome at this forum, just because I made the mistake of helping others preventing to get scammed. I'm having the bottle of SN right next to me, I wonder why I don't just use it. It's that little hope maybe, that this illness I have can improve. Hope which will probably be for nothing.

I'm taking a break now. I'll continue lurking around, just less, and won't post much else anymore. If I don't get banned for this post at least. I've done attempts to help people and it backlashed. In the future, I'll think twice before doing such action.

Thanks for reading, if you managed to get to the end of this long post.
 
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noaccount

Mage
Joined
Oct 26, 2019
Messages
518
Hi,
I wonder if you have considered perspectives on what autism and personality disorder diagnoses mean,
other than the perspectives of the licensed diagnosers,
who often abuse, manipulate, and gaslight us?
I hope this is okay to say here.
I am no one in particular with any power here.
I don't see any reason why anyone would want to ban you from here,
and i don't know a lot, but I hope that doesn't happen.
(Wait, I think I see the thread you're mentioning. I think the mod's pronouns are she/her not he/him, but I have no other complaints about what you wrote.)
I am so sorry that our lives have been so further mutilated by the thought-police who criminalize and detain us for being suicidal.
I want you to find solidarity and understanding.
xo
 
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Callie Arcale

Callie Arcale

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun
Joined
Feb 10, 2021
Messages
290
Hello there @DutchSuicidalPerson

I have not seen the thread (or threads) you are referring to, so I cannot form an opinion on the core of your post.

But I just wanted to say that I read your words and I am sorry you feel lonely and unwelcome. That resonated with me because I know the pain of loneliness. I have never felt ”at home” anywhere in my entire life. It’s hard going through life feeling like a ghost...

Take care! I hope things work out for you.
 
amarillo

amarillo

Member
Joined
Jan 30, 2021
Messages
60
Hi DSP,

I haven't been involved in what happened between you and the moderator and I don't think it would be wise to get involved now, but the only thing I want to say is that I believe you have and have always had good intentions on this forum. You are very knowledgeable about SN and its suppliers, and you have been able to help me obtain it when most options didn't seem to work out for me. I've also seen you help many other members by answering their questions, so I believe you are of great value here. :)

It looks like you are dealing with quite some heavy stuff and if I could I would give you a hug. I wish you the very best, whether you are on or off this forum, but if it's up to me, you're always welcome here!

Hope to see you around.
 
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DutchSuicidalPerson

Mage
Joined
Jan 31, 2021
Messages
513
noaccount said:
(Wait, I think I see the thread you're mentioning. I think the mod's pronouns are she/her not he/him, but I have no other complaints about what you wrote.)
My apologies, I actually did not have any knowledge about her gender identity.

noaccount said:
Hi,
I wonder if you have considered perspectives on what autism and personality disorder diagnoses mean,
other than the perspectives of the licensed diagnosers,
who often abuse, manipulate, and gaslight us?
I hope this is okay to say here.
If you are saying here that people with BPD often show manipulative behavior, that's often true. Still, I'm not the typical BPD patient, also why it took years to diagnose. I'm not here manipulating people on an internet forum, if that's what you might be talking about. For me, this kind of behavior only occurs to people I truly care about.
 
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usernameforhere

Student
Joined
Nov 15, 2020
Messages
147
Hi dsp. Your post is long but you come off well. I don’t wanna get involved in a dispute, I can cause my own problems for myself but I did want to say I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope you find some peace.
I always wanted to visit your country too. The cities look beautiful!
 
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noaccount

Mage
Joined
Oct 26, 2019
Messages
518
DutchSuicidalPerson said:
If you are saying here that people with BPD often show manipulative behavior, that's often true. Still, I'm not the typical BPD patient, also why it took years to diagnose. I'm not here manipulating people on an internet forum, if that's what you might be talking about. For me, this kind of behavior only occurs to people I truly care about.
Nooo no no, sorry, I think we might have a bit of a language barrier happening here?
I was talking about diagnosers, ie doctors, psychologists, gatekeepers - abusing and manipulating us. For instance, drugging or hospitalizing people against their will is inherently abusive. And if these are the main people telling us what being depressed or being autistic or anything *means*, this might lead us to look at ourselves from a perspective that devalues us a lot.
So for example I was wondering if you'd seen anything by trauma researchers like Judith Herman, who say that diagnosing someone with personality disorders is "little more than a sophisticated insult," or groups like the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network who are fighting against so-called "therapies" that are very coercive towards autistic people.
Or here is some writing on the borderline diagnosis specifically.

I mean, if there are perspectives or treatments you've found helpful that you've been able to access because of getting diagnoses, I'd be interested if you wanted to talk about that too, but no pressure and I understand if you're just saying you want to take a break and not engage here.
 
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Mew

Mew

Wizard
Joined
Dec 26, 2020
Messages
610
I am so sorry you have experienced pain here. I can relate, though my situation is different. It's regarding sexual harassment and how I felt my case wasn't handled appropriately. The moderators I spoke to, while respectful, I felt didn't do enough to help with my issue. I have also dealt with rude members from time to time as well

Like every place, SS is flawed. And sadly some people just have really shitty experiences. Just know that you aren't alone in this *hugs*
 
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sadhuman2

-
Joined
Mar 13, 2021
Messages
8
Diagnosis are a bunch of garbage (in my opinion)

Don't focus on all the stuff that does not matter (other people, peoples opinions, what people say)

Their words have no power. Your inner voice and your voice only is what you should listen to.

My greatest thing I have learned is to ignore everyone else. Ignore everything and just focus on eating/sleeping/working because those are the 3 things you have to do.

Then do what ever you want on top of that (read,movies,games)

Just sharing ideas.
 
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D

DutchSuicidalPerson

Mage
Joined
Jan 31, 2021
Messages
513
noaccount said:
I mean, if there are perspectives or treatments you've found helpful that you've been able to access because of getting diagnoses, I'd be interested if you wanted to talk about that too, but no pressure and I understand if you're just saying you want to take a break and not engage here.
Sorry about the confusion. Actually, I made the diagnosis BPD myself years ago. I've had to see multiple psychiatrists because they didn't believe me as I'm not the "typical" BPD patient. Eventually, one psychiatrist who had actual experience with BPD told me I might be right after listening to my story and let me have a complete personality test, after which she told me my self-diagnosis was right all along and confirmed this diagnosis.

I voluntarily admitted myself to a psychiatric ward which offered Dialectical Behavior Therapy, but was refused because I am autistic. As a result, I sent an email to Marsha Linehan, the inventor of the therapy. Surprisingly, I received an email back, sending me scientific articles about how DBT is actually useful to treat autism as well. I went to another psychiatric hospital, where the intake was done by a well-known professor who sometimes occurs in the media. He told me the refusal was bullshit and I was welcome for therapy at this hospital, but they didn't offer intense therapy like the other hospital did. This professor actually called the doctors who refused me in the first place, telling them they had to do their research first. The doctors apologized for "judging too fast". They never did to me though, they made this apology to my treating psychiatrist who informed me of that.

I've seen lots and lots of doctors and psychiatrists in my life, probably more than most people here. Some of them are really doing good work, but lots of them treated me like shit. Others have good intentions, but are making things actually (much) worse.

But to answer your question, no, the "therapy" I was offered only made things worse.
 
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yeahwellso

-
Joined
Dec 5, 2020
Messages
150
sadhuman2 said:
Diagnosis are a bunch of garbage (in my opinion)
No. Diagnosing a problem is step one towards dealing with the problem.

sadhuman2 said:
Don't focus on all the stuff that does not matter (other people, peoples opinions, what people say)
Other people and their opinions do matter. Humans are social animals.

sadhuman2 said:
Their words have no power. Your inner voice and your voice only is what you should listen to.
Great way to sink further into mental illness and insanity.

sadhuman2 said:
My greatest thing I have learned is to ignore everyone else. Ignore everything and just focus on eating/sleeping/working because those are the 3 things you have to do.
Sounds utterly miserable. Weird that you can "work" while ignoring everyone and everything, by the way. It's almost like that's a contradiction in terms, considering that it obviously is.

sadhuman2 said:
Then do what ever you want on top of that (read,movies,games)

Just sharing ideas.
Yes, cope with mental illness by leaning into the shut-in life. Great ideas, truly.
 
deflationary

deflationary

Member
Joined
Mar 11, 2020
Messages
64
I'm sorry to hear this. For me you're one of the most valuable users here and I always enjoy reading your posts. Really, you have been one of the reasons why I've been around here more often lately. You bring balance and calm to this place with your thorough and systematical approach.

I've read the thread in question and I think the mod treated you unfairly. I totally get needing to take a break, but I don't want you to feel boxed out. I value your presence a lot and I'm sure that so do most other people here.
 
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noaccount

Mage
Joined
Oct 26, 2019
Messages
518
Please no insulting
@yeahwellso this is a pro-choice website. no one here is compelled or obligated to do whatever stupid bullshit you think is "healthier," nor to understand their thoughts and feelings as illnesses.
 
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noaccount

Mage
Joined
Oct 26, 2019
Messages
518
Anyway, DutchSuicidalPerson, I'm sorry that this newb anti-choice troll is polluting your thread now, until whenever they get removed.

And I'm sorry you were denied access to DBT. Since so much psych diagnoses is nonsense, denying people a treatment they want because of a diagnoses, or because of a lack of a diagnosis, is really cruel bullshit nonsense too. Is there anything particular you were getting or wanting from DBT? You're the expert on your own needs.

As always.
https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/debunking-two-chemical-imbalance-myths-again
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/07/190708131152.htm/
https://thenewinquiry.com/book-of-lamentations/
 
WornOutLife

WornOutLife

マット
Joined
Mar 22, 2020
Messages
7,333
Breaks sometimes help.
Wish you the best with your life!
 
RainAndSadness

RainAndSadness

Global Mod
Joined
Jun 12, 2018
Messages
1,426
DutchSuicidalPerson said:
But that's just a user, I don't care that much. It got out of hand when I noticed a certain link in the wiki lead to a false version of the PPeH, containing an email address a user got scammed with before. I immediately contacted a moderator about this while telling no one, but unfortunately this moderator didn't come online in time. The next day, I posted this in public and clearly someone was reading along and quickly replaced it with a correct version. The moderator took this as an accusation against him/her, which was simply a misunderstanding, which he/she does not believe. And because there is no hard evidence of that file being replaced, even though another user confirmed it as well, the moderator concluded I am lying and spreading fake news, an accusation he/she posted in public multiple times at multiple places. I even received a formal warning via PM for this.

I'd just like to clarify one thing because this affects me as a moderator. You didn't receive a "formal warning" for your hints about potential fake resources. You said in one of your posts that importing SN into the EU is illegal. I messaged you and asked you for sources that would justify such a claim. You didn't provide any and I explained to you in detail that this is false information and that no member ever was charged for importing SN during my 2.5 years activity in this forum and that I would treat it as a regular rule violation the next time I stumble upon such claims - that involves a regular warning. As a moderator I care a lot about the integrity of information that is spread about the legality of resources and I don't tolerate fear mongering about SN. A bit later you came back to me and clarified that importing SN indeed isn't illegal so I closed this chapter on my part. I really don't know why you distort this story and claim that you received a formal warning for something completely different, it bothers me quite a bit but I guess, you do you. I'm not gonna comment on anything else in your post because I respect your interpretation of the events.
 

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